Family Ties

The One Where Things Get Hairy

Chipmunks, this is undoubtedly the most polarizing post I’ve ever published.

If you make it through, I’ll know where we stand.

Once upon a time, this came into my life:

Wait for it…

Maybe I should back up. Speaking of backs, that’s a bag of back hair.

My father-in-law’s back hair.

Still with me? Okay, good. It really makes perfect sense. You see, a guy’s gotta shave his back, and my mother-in-law heard sprinkling hair around the perimeter of your property keeps deer away.

And if the deer are away, Peppermeister‘s (Husband #1) garden is safe.

And everybody’s happy.

Though this was a surprise to us, it was like it was meant to be. Like recycling between father and son. Mother Nature at work.

…No? Are you saying you’re against recycling and Mother Nature? You probably just want us to shoot those poor deer, don’t you? Wow.

The day we were given the back hair, my sister-in-law (SIL) caught sight of the exchange, and, well… She was less than pleased. Disgusted might be the word. Yeah. That’s the one.

So, naturally, there was only one thing to do.

Before we left the family gathering that night, Peppermeister hid the bag ‘o back hair in SIL’s cooler. Specifically, the cooler where she keeps her children’s food.

Because…obviously.

Over the next few months, we found various unsettling ways to keep the back hair traveling between each other’s houses. It landed anywhere but scattered around the perimeter of our house, clearly destined for greatness.

And then it went missing. For months.

Until last Saturday, when I did my yearly cleaning.

Well played.

Thank god. I should really clean more often.

Do you have any ongoing pranks / inside jokes that tickle your back hair fancy?

P.S. – Watch your back, SIL. Watch your back.

104 thoughts on “The One Where Things Get Hairy”

  1. We had a small, life-like rubber mouse/rat who traveled among us. He went missing a few years ago, possibly carried off by a life-like cat or something.

    I mentioned this in blog-land and my blog-friend Betty sent a replacement
    rat. It is SO scary. I can’t even take it out of the box.

    Actually, now that I think about it, it looks a lot like the bag o’ back hair. I wonder how it would work as deer-repellent.

    1. “The Betty & Debbie Show” sounds like it could be pretty promising. That is, if Betty’s willing to take the rat out of the box.

      Apparently hair doesn’t even work well as a repellent, ha! So far Uncle Jesse seems like our best defense. Which, let’s face it, is almost as awesome as using a bag of back hair.

  2. Laughing my ass off right now! Too funny. But, did you know that “hair” in the garden really does not work that well, rather having someone pee on the perimeter of your garden works much better to keep the deer away. Anyhow, now that the “back hair” is “back” in your possession, you should take some of it and make a “stache” out of it and glue it to the next victim’s face when they are sleeping. Now that would be funny & gross at the same time! LOL (revenge is so sweet isn’t it?)

    1. I’m so glad you didn’t run away screaming. I do think the perfect ending to this story would be us ACTUALLY trying it on the yard, and then a picture of Peppermeister’s garden totally destroyed by deer. (I’ve heard it doesn’t work, too!)

      Does this mean we should expect a jar of my father-in-law’s urine at Thanksgiving?

  3. I’d love to report my own family/friend running prank, but I have none.

    On a side note, my recent post on the whereabouts of Bigfoot, while fairly thorough, failed to bring up the point that he may be hiding among us, in plain sight, but manscaped.

    1. Ren-zay, when I first saw this comment on my phone, I only saw the first line, and I thought, “Okay. Jules. You knew what you were doing when you published this post. This is what you should have expected.”

      But then.

      I should have known better. Welcome to the family! Do you have any coupons for razorblades?

      1. You used an actual razor? WOw, I would have thought you’d gone electric or something. I should have known better. That is some seriously long back hair.

        Just so you know, I used to watch porn with my FIL.

        He’d love it if I shaved his back. 😉

        1. Actually, I think my mother-in-law uses scissors. It’s more intimate, she says, because it takes longer.

          (I’m taking liberties in the comments now that I’ve gotten the family’s approval of this post.)

          Wow. Wowww. Where is THAT blog post?!?!

        1. Lol, the way I did it in the first comment only I didn’t separate the periods from the smiley code. It’s colon followed by the word oops followed by another colon. So : oops : but without any space between!

  4. I’m with Renée.

    I, too, was repulsed. But, if you assumed that repulsion didn’t stop me from reading you’d be right. First Babs and the sheet folding. Now hair games? You’ve only tripled my desire to be a part of the family.

    Please. Pretty please. With a bag a back hair on top?

    1. “Pretty please. With a bag a back hair on top?” Hahahahaha! 😉

      You know it’s only good because it’s HER family. If it were OIR family, we’d think it was disgusting and never blog about it. Ever. Think of all the missed opportunities. Maybe I need to write about the way my husband cuts his cuticles. Or leaves taps running.

      Nope. Not the same zing. 😉

  5. Well, you know what they say about back hair – better in a ziploc bag on your coffee table than still affixed to your back grossing out complete strangers on the beach. It’s possible that your house guests might disagree…

  6. I am in awe of this game. I feel like throwing up and suddenly I’m itchy all over.
    My family has the “blue dress” that gets exchanged at every birthday, Christmas, or graduation. Its this over sized scarf body wrap hula dancing waist thingy that someone recieved as a gift from a non-relative a long time ago. But, this just doesnt produce the same gag-reflex that a bag of back hair has to offer.
    Gross.
    Awesome.

    1. OMG B, thank you for noticing. It was a splurge but it’s one of my favorite things. I kept staring at this picture because isn’t it so photogenic, too? I should bring it upstairs, where we actually watch TV (this is why the bag ‘o back hair went undetected for so long).

      Look at us. Just a couple of friends, talking about a photogenic basket on a bag-o-back hair post. Must be Wednesday.

  7. Can’t he plant onions and garlic around the perimeter of the garden or use scarecrows? Do you think you could convince your father-in-law to stand there half-naked, back hair in full glory, and act as a human scarecrow?

    1. Holy snort-buckets. Okay. You really got me with this comment. Almost short-circuited my computer because yes, I’m drinking coffee even though it’s after noon and I really shouldn’t be,

  8. I,too, was astonished at the remote basket. Jim would die and go to heaven if we had one of those. We just keep ours in the deepest crack of the couch cushions.

    My family does have a running gag thing going on…we’ve managed to keep it going for decades. Not as repulsive as yours..(ahem) but still funny. See, back in the early ’80s there was this game called Mr. Gameshow Host:

    And over the years, my brothers would take turns sneaking him into various places, they’d hide him in suitcases etc. Mr. Gameshow has been all over the world. He went to Indonesia, Oregon, Florida, Canada….He did get quite beat up though. He’s completely armless and only has one leg now. Currently, my younger brother has him down in North Carolina. Who knows when he’ll show up at my house again? Once he emailed me various photos of Mr. Gameshow host with ransom notes. It was hilarious.

    1. DP, I was just telling B it’s one of my favorite things, though I almost didn’t get it because it was expensive (you know, for a basket…why are baskets so expensive?!), but it’s really nice and I lluuuurve it. It was from Fortunoff.

      I will have to watch this clip later, but I am so proud. I would expect no less from your family ‘o brothers.

      When Peppermeister and I went to San Diego many moons ago, we found this tiny little doll bottoms up in the sand. We named her “Sandy” (of course) and got hilarious pictures all around southern CA… the best was on an outdoor escalator in La Jolla, where he put her on an escalator stair and sent her down to me by herself, while I took a picture from the bottom (of her riding down). Onlookers WAITED so we could get the shot.

      Some people are just cool. As you’ve proven with this comment. And that bear vid.

  9. Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. Considering how warped my family is, I am surprised that no one has thought of anything like this…so no, we do not have any traditions/practical jokes like this. Me thinks that I’ll need to come up with something for Xmas time…ya know, when the whole family is together and all. After all, a family that can be disgusted together, stays together.

    1. *humble nod* Why thank you kindly.

      What’s funny is I’m against a lot of pranks because they seem mean spirited, but, well…come on. Bag of back hair. GIVEN to us. Like a gift from the Jester Gods.

  10. This is one shirt short of a full load, my friend. I see now that I can learn a lot from you, and I have determined to cross that. hairy. line.

  11. If you had that baggie in your car and you got stopped by the po-lice, I’d pay good cash money to see the exchange:
    “no officer, really, it’s not drugs…it’s back hair!”

    1. Ha! Peggles, I did have a good time last night imagining all of the things people might THINK were in that bag. And you know, it really could have been worse.

      So you’re welcome, everyone. Just a little back hair. That’s all.

  12. Gross!!! And totally hilarious! It sounds like something my brothers and I would do to each other. Nothing like the bonds of family… and back hair.

  13. HRRRRRKKKKKKKKK.

    That is me throwing up my lunch, because THAT was the opportune time that I began reading this post. Mid-lunch. Thanks for that, Jules. Thanks a lot.

    There used to be this gold eagle statue thing that my husband and his friends would pass around amongst themselves for certain “accomplishments.” I’m not sure in who’s possession it is in now. I think we had it last time, so it might be in a box somewhere in my shed. We may need to track that thing down.

    1. I bet you’re really giving me the hairy eyeball right now, aren’tcha, Misty?

      Certain “accomplishments”? You have NO idea what my mind is doing with that innuendo right now. Finish your lunch and we’ll talk. 😉

  14. I may know something about a bike shop and a giant purple dildo… or I may not… and it may or may not be WELL over a foot long… and it may (or may not) end up hidden as a surprise in various places back and forth between various people (which now may or may not have grown to include multiple states and the postal service)… and it may or may not have once been discovered in a TSA search… I really couldn’t say though.

  15. That is a lot of back hair. My word. Such a great story. My college roommates and I used to do something similar with, er, gross magazine pictures. You’d open a notebook and find the picture taped there. Lie down on your bunk bed and there it was above your head. Fun stuff.

  16. Love it! Wha ha ha! I love hiding things in places for people to find…. especially little drawings half way through other people’s notepads 🙂 My sister also hides her 3 rubber ducks around her house all the time! 😀 x

  17. I would love, love, LOVE for somebody to accidentally discover the bag and then hear your backpedaling story to explain the ziploc of back hair away. 🙂 “It’s my father-in-law’s back hair. He gave it to us to keep the deer away, I swear!” This has got to be the most random (disgusting) thing I’ve heard of in years! 😛

  18. we never had a running gag, but when the kids were growing up we would break into spontaneous food fights at the table from time to time. Did you know Rice-A-Roni REALLY sticks to the wall???

  19. What a wonderful tradition you have! Far more awesome than sending postcards, or holiday sweaters or Dad never being there for Thanksgiving! You go, Glen Coco!

  20. Back hair? Wha…? I find myself laughing, but it’s really more of a nervous laugh, like when your toddler comes out of your closet with a nice, cute colorful clownface (a/k/a your make-up) on, until you notice the two similarly colorful hands clutching several colorful wet-wipes, and the words, “Uh, mom, I need some help…”

  21. I love your family. Mainly because it reminds me of my family. While we haven’t exchanged back hair yet (and trust me, there’s plenty of that to go around), what we do exchange is all at my expense. My childhood photos pop up all over the place. Suddenly there’s me at age 12 sneering at the camera with giant teeth and a mullet taped on the (local) milk carton. Or a randomly placed school photo under my mom’s pillow. At this point, I’m thankful for my awkward years because it’s a lot of fun now. I think.

  22. We had a similar thing going once with a bag of hundreds and thousands (i think you guys call them sprinkles?) but now that i compare it to back hair it seems kinda tame.

    I did work with a girl once that hid a picture of a chimp sticking it’s tongue out around the office for a prone to screaming co-worker to find – usually hanging from the shelf inside the cupboard, the back of the toilet door etc. And she was sweet at discretely hiding the chimp away for another day when the shock had just died down.

    The chimp turned up in the mail in my first week of living in college shortly afterward. welcome guest. my friends thought i was strange(r).

    But still, not quite back hair…

  23. You definitely win the award for prank originality on this one. At first I thought that was a dead baby animal of some sort…perhaps a chipmunk?

  24. Yeah I can believe that. That makes sense. You live where there are deer and you want to keep them away from your house. The deer are allergic to male human back hair. So far so good. You totally failed to scatter the anti deer matter and moved it around until you lost it. It turned up in a basket you keep remote controls in. Two questions; Why do you have basket for remote controls? Have you been overrun by deer in your garden?

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