humor, PSAs

Be Careful What You Wish For

While mustaches are kinda my thing, and I constantly wax poetic (pun totally intended) about the merits of the handlebar, the Groucho, the walrus, etc., there’s something that’s bothered me for years.

Discovering the vanity-inspiring MacBook photo booth application, circa 2008.
Discovering the vanity-inspiring MacBook photo booth application, circa 2008.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

“It’s probably just a shadow,” I told myself. But it continued to eat away at me. For the next five years. I could have been curing cancer, saving tigers Britney, learning sign language, but I was simply too busy worrying about It.

So. Last week I went to the drug store and picked up this:

bleach-box
I didn’t think it was a good sign that this is what happened to the box when I opened it.

The instructions mandated that I test it out and wait 24 hours to see if it caused an allergic reaction.

“That’s probably wise,” I thought.

bleach-kit

Two seconds later, I was mixing the cream and slathering it on my face.

bleach-stache-apply
Go Jules Go: Living Life on the Edge Since…Today.

“If it starts burning, I’ll wipe it off,” I thought.

I waited the recommended 10 minutes, killing time by wondering if horse really tastes as good as people say, and whether Adam Levine’s tattoos make him more or less more sexy.

bleach-stache-2
Got shame?

I don’t think that shiz worked at all. Look!

DeepThoughts-Jules-mustache

No but seriously. I think it did the trick. Thank gawd. Now I have time to learn how to sign, “Is Adam Levine a vegetarian?”

Sooo… how about sharing your embarrassing personal grooming stories? No? Um, okay, well, gosh. This is awkward.

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98 thoughts on “Be Careful What You Wish For”

  1. You are my hero. This post had it all. Yes, tattoos make him more sexy. Although a man can go overboard. He’s right on the edge of too much.

    No, I don’t wax my upper lip. I don’t need to, just maintaining my Amish beard is enough to deal with.

    Speaking of painful beauty treatments. I was just plucking my brows yesterday and frankly, I’m sick of doing it. The older I get, the less I care about facial hair in general.

    1. Doesn’t it, though? It’s got creepiness, ‘staches, vanity, aloe vera and Adam Levine! Truly. I’ve outdone myself. Thank you for noticing.

      I’m about to post an amazing Adam Levine video for B Man’s education. I don’t know if it’ll embed in the comments, though. Is there a trick to that?

    2. P.S. – Oooh the vid worked without me having to do anything but paste the link. Wow. I just want to watch it a thousand times. Even Peppermeister agrees it’s unfair that he sounds like that AND looks like that.

          1. I am on it. But it says I have to watch in on youtube as embedding is disabled. What? I have to click on something else now? IF I must, I must…

            By the by, I just left a real doozy of a video in B’s comments section. It is spectacular.

  2. I need to invest in some of that stuff…I have to occasionally pluck out some strong dark moustache whiskers…although the hair on my head is white as snow, the facial hair has remained very dark…not fair. Although I did see some white eye brow hairs the other day – and when the eye lashes go white I shall probably just fade into the background and all that will be visible will be facial hair. I’m with Darla, I don’t care so much about facial hair – just don’t want to be the bearded lady…

    1. I know! It’s one of life’s cruel jokes, that the minute you pluck the blonde, downy hair, BAM! A life of hairy misery. Akin to poverty and war, really. How am I supposed to contribute to society looking like this?

      Maybe we could put together a side show to give back to the community?

  3. I was cursed with dark, dark brown hair. Just this last year I grew a lady stache that no amount of makeup could hide. I panicked and rushed to a salon where a slightly aggressive Asian lady waxed my lip. I was so relieved to be hair free that I wasn’t paying attention when my WHOLE FACE REGION started blistering. I’ve since accepted the stache, because burnt skin smells nasty.

    1. Nooooooo. Oh, Tori. I’m still traumatized by this news special I saw several years ago about a shady “salon” in Manhattan that destroyed this woman’s upper lip. Like, ripped off every layer of skin.

      Whew. Be safe out there, my friend.

  4. I still need to look up who Adam Levine is…

    “Bleach… with aloe vera!” are not two things you generally think about going together. Makes sense in a terrifying way, I guess.

    And yes, its 4:17am my time. This is the second time up tonight with the baby. Yay.

    1. Well gooooood morning, Sunshine! It’s just a beautiful, glorious, brisk, happy, blue skies… okay. I’m sorry.

      I was wondering if anyone was going to comment on the “aloe vera”! I think it worked. You should see how soft and touchable my upper lip is.

      Okay, this vid is just for me you, B. And if you go back to bed dreaming about my blog Adam Levine, I’m gonna be so jealz.

      1. Um…very nice. Very very very nice. Was he even singing during that? I don’t remember.

        I think there is nothing sexier than a man who is so secure in his masculinity that he can sing falsetto no holds barred. I think he sings higher than I can.

        1. Crud, you do have to click over to YouTube. Well. It’s worth it.

          I am also very secure in his masculinity. Very, very secure.

          That might not even make sense. I don’t know. I can’t even think straight now. Who are you?

        1. 1) You’re allowed to make mistakes at 4:17am (but only then), and 2) I think I fixed what you mean. I can even delete these comments to hide the evidence. Because that’s just the kind of BBFF I am.

        2. P.S. – You have NO idea how hard it was for me not to add additional comments while editing. Namely centered around how funny and stunningly attractive I am, with or without facial hair.

  5. I have something that will make you feel SO much better – no, it’s not a picture of Adam Levine lying naked on a bear skin rug…. wait, let me google that shit and see if I can find one….nope. Damn, I thought google had everything.

    Oh well, second best is being able to read about freaky facial hair that will make your downy ‘stache seem positively adorable by comparison. You might want to read this on an empty stomach…..

    http://getwritedowntoit.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/not-by-the-hair-of-my-chinny-chin-chin/

    1. Oh, that post was classic – thank you for sharing! And also, my sincere gratitude for your Google image search efforts. My imagination right now is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

  6. I had my stache waxed once. ONCE. It was so freaking painful and left my top lip flaming red for HOURS, that I was like . . . yeah, NOT worth it. I’ve never tried the bleaching thing, though. With my luck I would totally break out and start burning. And I never do that “test a small patch and wait 24 hours” thing, either. That’s for pansies, I say.

    Oh, and I hear Adam Levine prefers hairy women. Just saying. πŸ˜‰

    1. I’m completely terrified of the waxing. Also because I’m afraid of how the hair would, at least eventually, start to grow back. But laser hair removal, now that may be where my life is headed. Sigh. Not looking like Chewbacca is going to be expensive, isn’t it? And will Adam still like me?

  7. You are hilarious! Hahaha! I used to have a monster magnifying glass that I used in the morning that made my pores look like craters on the moon. Not anymore!
    I try to pluck the “Who” hairs that seem to grow from my sideburns…. πŸ™‚

    1. If anyone doubts the devil’s existance, they merely need to look into one of those magnifying mirrors. Unholy. (And if anyone doubts god’s existance, they merely need to view that Adam Levine vid I posted in response to Byronic Man’s comment. Wowza! No design flaws there, Lord Almighty. Nice job with that one.)

  8. Mine’s already blond. It won’t get any lighter. So I wax, when I feel like it. Because PS? It only gets worse as you age. European Wax Center is a chain and they have a different technique & different wax than the usual. Hurts way way less. On another note, I saw a hilarious ad for something called the wax-vac for cleaning one’s ears, and I think you should do a post on it.

    1. I am in for it, I think. So thank you for the recommendation. I should start asking for gift certificates now.

      Oooh maybe I could do some sort of ‘Vroom Vroom Grooming’ feature. …I’m starting to think that only make sense in my own [hairy] head.

  9. Oooo…look how pretty and curly your hair is! Just to be clear, I am referring to the hair on your head.

    I’m a upper lip bleacher. I had laser hair removal on my lower legs….and my…ahem…bikini line. Loved it! I’ll probably do it on my upper lip after I have kids. I heard the pregnancy hormones wreak havoc on unwanted hair.

    1. Thanks, Thoughtsy! (I HATE that picture. But I posted it because I LOVE my blog [too much].)

      I’ve heard mixed reviews on the effectiveness of the laser hair removal treatments, so I’m glad it worked for you! It does seem like the way to go.

  10. Imagine rubber bands being snapped on your ‘stache area. Over and over and your eyes watering from the pain. That’s laser hair removal. And just once doesn’t do it; you’re in for at least 3 rounds and there’s still no guarantee. Genes. You’re welcome.

    One the other hand – loving sexy singers in tight pants also seems to have been passed down. It’s a balance.

  11. Last year, whilst in Austria on a school ski trip, one of my friends decided to wax her ‘stache. It was the first time she had tried, and well, didn’t really know what she was doing. Once she had finished, she put on some cream that was meant to help it in some way. Two minutes later and she’s screaming. So she washed it off and the rest of us tried desperately not to laugh as she tried everything she could to stop the pain. When it finally stopped, we noticed it had gone very red. We managed to use a bit of concealer to hide it and we went down to dinner. The next morning we woke up to my friend swearing at the mirror. Where her ‘stache once was, was now a scab. And what made it worse was that she had missed some hair, and looked like something had tried to eat her. Her explanation for the rest of the group? She had slipped on ice and grazed her mouth.
    Lesson of the story? Don’t wax on school trips. (Especially not when your roomates will laugh until they cry) :’)

  12. Speaking of Adam Levine – no mention of his recent SNL hosting gig? Did any of you see it? In case you didn’t, here’s the hulu link to his opening monologue. You have to watch a 23 second commercial, but it’s worth it!

    1. Oh-hoh yes I saw that. Allllll of that. I’m hoarding it on the DVR, and I thank you for sharing it here. I’m actually thinking of turning this blog into an Adam Levine fan site. (I’m sure there aren’t enough of those.)

  13. That’s awesome! Hey, beauty takes a little pain and embarrassment now and again.
    My worst personal grooming story? I used to do my makeup sitting on the edge of my bed as a teen. To say I’m clumsy is a perverse understatement. So when I tell you that things did not go well one day between me an eyelash curler I’m not exaggerating. I fell off of my bed while using said instrument of torture and managed to pull out half of my eyelashes. My eye twitched for a good hour afterwards and I haven’t bothered using an eyelasher curler since that fateful day. I’m just glad to have eyelashes at this point. Whether they curl perfectly or not seems a little vain anyway (says my wounded pride).

    1. Oh gawd, Audrey, this story made me howl. But I’m laughing…with…you πŸ™‚

      It is kind of amazing that there’s a tool JUST for curling eyelashes. Like, let’s say they actually got in the way, then, okay, maybe.

      1. Oh, thank you! Here I was afraid you might laugh AT me.
        Looking back, I’m confused about why I thought my eyelashes needed to be curled on a daily basis. Rack that one up to a score of other makeup faux pas, right next to using glitter gel…

  14. Adam Levine looks like he needs a good wash.
    I’m really not a fan of his voice…..it’s what I refer to as a ‘cakey voice’……like when you’ve eaten some sponge cake and it’s a bit cloying….and then you try to sing, but the cake is stuck to the roof of your mouth……a bit like that.
    In terms of personal grooming issues…..I once squeezed a spot that was located between my eyebrows. I misjudged the squeezing and it bled underneath my skin.
    I looked like Mikhail Gorbachev.

    1. Wow, even though I don’t agree about his voice, I absolutely love this description. Cakey voice. I’m going to have to steal…I mean graciously borrow… that.

      I bet there are support groups just for zit popping catastrophes.

      1. Consider ‘cakey voice’ yours……please deposit $10 into my Paypal account.

        A ‘cakey voice’ isn’t half as bad as a ‘straining poo voice’……these voices are owned by artists like Michael Bolton who can often sound like he’s struggling to pass a house-brick sized ‘movement’……listen to “How am I supposed to live without you?” and you’ll see that my description is incredibly accurate.

  15. Oh, brave Jules. You shared, so I will share.

    I used to bleach the ‘stache when I was younger and then I stopped caring. A few months ago, I thought that maybe I should start again because my sister lovingly told me that I looked like Groucho. Now mind you, this is a woman who trims her arm hair even though she doesn’t have any. I’ve known her my whole life and unless she started the trimming process when she was about 5, then I know she never had too much or too dark arm hair. And yet she is so convinced that she has ape arms and is so dedicated to her arm-trimming process that she’s actually (accidentally) cut flesh off of her arm.

    Knowing her tendency to hallucinate about hair, I still decided to revisit the ‘stache issue. Got the bleach. Didn’t do anything. Y’know why? Because I think it’s not my hair. It’s my skin. Same shade as the spots showing up in other places. Age spots. Liver spots (or, because I’m in the NY metro area, livah spots.)

    I don’t need bleach, I need laser treatments.

    I am BEYOND annoyed at this. For now, I’m told that I’m the only one who notices it, but maybe it’s because I only have either have blind friends or lying friends.

    1. I think lying friends are the best kinds of friends. This is why I’m pretty sure I look like Katherine Heigl and have the voice of Mariah Carey.

      I hear mostly good things about the laser treatments, except from my mom – she said it really didn’t work. Which worries me.

      Also? Thank you for not leaving me hanging with this post. I had serious second thoughts after I hit Publish. (No, that’s a lie. I have no shame.)

    1. I almost mentioned it in this post, but I will never, ever forget how, when Rosie O’Donnell had her own talk show, she let this one rogue chin hair grow and grow, and then strung beads on it. To this day I am equal parts disgusted and enchanted by that memory.

  16. My wife and I decided to save money on a haircut by using her lady trimmer to buzz my hair. The haircut was horrible and extremely patchy, resulting in a lengthy and awkward conversation with the professional stylist I sought out the next day to fix it all.

    1. Really?? Man, I think I’d endure any kind of torture if I never had to shave my legs again. Except have my legs amputated. I’m thinking that’s where I’d toe the line. (Get it? TOE the line! Yeah… sorry.)

  17. I can’t believe you went there. Have you forgotten the oath you took when you turned 13??? (age lowered to 12 recently) You totally blew the “Hot Chicks Code of Silence In Front Of Men To Maintain The Illusion That We Don’t Have Any Less Than Attractive Bodily Parts & Functions.”

    You brave, brave, FOOLISH girl.

    I’d tell you about what’s in store for you in another 20 years, but then they’d kick me out of the “Still Trying To Maintain That Illusion When Faced With The Accelerating Bodily Horrors of Menopause” club.

    1. Peggles, I know! I really did feel like I was forsaking the Girl Code. Don’t worry. My next post will more than make up for it: “This Weekend’s Sleepover: Pillowfights In Our Underwear (Because That Totally Happens)!”

  18. I used to bleach, but I am impatient, so now when I finally notice how hairy I am getting, I pull out the Remington personal hair trimmer (sized to also trim unsightly nasal and ear hair for when my estrogen finally gives out and I completely devolve into a man.)

  19. Apparently chick staches are quite common πŸ˜‰ They seem to vary too, I have a few friends who have them come in fairly noticeably so they have them waxed, bleaching is a nice option for if they aren’t too noticeable like yours. I don’t have much body hair myself but for some random reason I started growing these odd BLACK hairs on my neck :\ just one or two here and there, which I have to pluck out (or I guess I could leave them there and see if any one notices and gets creeped out, lol!) I asked my doctor and he said, yep that happens but you don’t have that many so it’s ok. Umm no it’s not ok, but whatever – I just have to be vigilant with the tweezers I suppose, they pull out really easily. My friend calls them “the legendary black hairs of aaaaaauuggh” (little Monty Python reference for some of you out there) so yes, we are all special snowflakes πŸ˜‰

  20. Oh Gawd, Julsie!! Your little mustache is sorta cute! It’s been a while since I’ve commented. This made me think of the 30 Rock episode where Liz Lemon revealed her ‘stache! I have no embarrassing grooming habits, but I will admit that I don’t shave my legs from September to May. (I’m a natural blond and I don’t think my leg hairs show, but maybe I’m delusional! πŸ™‚

    Off subject, but the Gypsy Sisters show begins on TLC this Sunday!! These are the women that live only 15-20 minutes from me!!

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