March 2013 – Go Jules Go

Well I’ve gotta tell you Chipmunks, it makes a gal feel good to know some of you are so willing to snuggle up as my 3rd spouse, joining the ranks of First Husband, Peppermeister, and Second Husband, Darren Criss (of Glee fame).

When I put the question out there on Monday, I was delighted by your responses.

I don’t know why I think it’s so flattering, though. Taking a brief glimpse back in time, why wouldn’t anyone volunteer for Go Jules Go back rub duty?

...baffling. — …I am too sexy for my shirt.

I face a tough road ahead. Figuring out ~~how to keep those pics from popping up on your blogs~~ who’ll be the 5th candidate (along with my BFF, Jenn, Adam Levine, Justin Timberlake and Bacon) for 3rd spouse.

GoJulesGo-3rdSpouse-5thCandidates — Like choosing between champagne and more champagne.

The Candidates

Speaker7‘s Boy Toy, Hugo
- Heavily influenced by 50 Shades of Grey; sure to overcompensate for lack of bottom half
Sandy from SandyLand
- Cleans during bouts of insomnia; curious about New Jersey
The Good Humor ice cream man (courtesy of Ice Scream Mama)
- “Brings the goods and good humor”; may lure additional spouses with said goods
Misty from Misty’s Laws
- Will not hog ~~covers~~ other spouses and has “huge…bathtub”; will bring bacon, booze and thoughtful gifts
Ryan Gosling (courtesy of She’s A Maineiac)
- Abs; also abs
Rache from Rachel’s Table
- Cooks, writes loving haikus, enjoys pillow fights and long walks ~~on the beach~~ in the brewery
The Byronic Man
- Can borrow wardrobe, will share pie crust secrets (editor’s note: unconfirmed), believes bears have feelings, too
Chris Brown (courtesy of PILCHARDRABIES)
- Lends diversity; has tattoos
The wizard troll doll (courtesy of Katiepede’s Blog)
- Will “make me feel ‘Oh so special’ in that kind of crazy hair way that no other doll can do” (take note, Hugo)
The Former Pope, Benedict XVI (courtesy of GINGERFIGHTBACK)
- “Great wardrobe, lovely condo in Rome and can always get his hands on some nice candle holders for a romantic dinner”
Seth MacFarlane (courtesy of The Sacred and The Profane)
- Super rich; most likely to already have a Red Room of Pain

Clearly I need your help. Who’s your pick For the final 3rd spouse candidate? (Vote for up to 3!)

Cast your vote(s) by NOON EST on Saturday, March 30th. On Monday, April 1st, we’ll put the final 5 candidates head-to-head (because why do something in one post when you can draw it out in 3?)!

My Bed is Getting Cold

March 25, 2013March 24, 2013 Go Jules Go

As many of you Chipmunks know, I have a long-standing polyandrous situation in my house. Sure, First Husband, Peppermeister, is great, but…Scrabble…is more fun with extra players. Cue Second Husband, Darren Criss (of Glee fame).

Things have been grand over the past year, but our bed is really, really big. So.

Enough chatter. I’m cold.

Let’s review the candidates…

#1 – My BFF, Jenn

My dearest wife Jules,

After all these years, I know it’s obvious to you I was born to be your third and only (hmmm, we’ll have to work on that – we have time). But perhaps your readers, like the majority of state legislatures in our fair nation, need a pinch of persuasion. After all, they haven’t:

worked retail with me

fallen in/out of love with my brother

fled to the arms of another man from dated YOUR brother

taken a kick ass road trip with me

nearly died with me

Okay, those last two are really the same thing, but I’ll make it count for two.

Jules, I was born to be your Third Husband, because let’s face it. I got this vow shizz locked up like a three-peat offender. In good times and in bad? How much better can it get than our impending wedding date in the banquet hall of a Greek restaurant in Texas that rents its second floor as apartments? (B-T-Dubs, my first guest post as Hub³ – just sayin’.)

JULES + JENN 4-EVER.

And bad times? Let’s be honest, we’ve already hit rock bottom together. Amazingly, I’m not even talking about vodka here. On our road trip [from New Jersey to Georgia in 2002], you lost your wallet, like, 27 minutes in. We were checked into the Blue Ridge Motor Lodge (I could stop here) by a heavily bleeding sexagenarian who begged us to take a plunge in his toad-infested pool (he really did have a surprisingly strong grasp on metaphor). Then our friend couldn’t meet up with us in Atlanta as planned because he was… oh, that’s right… IN JAIL. And to top it all off, we nearly died. On a cliff. We nearly went over a cliff together. Can’t you just see the Thelma and Louise motif on our engraved invitations?

When we I backed up on the freshly wet gravel, smack into the electrified fence that was then the only thing between my back tires and the plummet, and the passenger door was pinned shut by the… voltage, didn’t I demand that you climb over me to safety? Wriggle between my body and the steering wheel, out the driver’s door, before I even THOUGHT about escaping myself?

Jules and Jenn in Savannah, circa 2002. Five days from near death.

And when the farmer in denim overalls, sans shirt or underwear, came strolling out to look at my handiwork with his fence… and you asked him where exactly we were…. when he removed the hay from both his teeth to reply: “Girly, you’re in the middle of nowhere…” Well, girly, he couldn’t have been more wrong. We could never be lost as long as we’re together.

So, in conclusion:

I, BFF, take you, GJG, to be my unlawfully wedded wife, to have (mercy) and hold (your hair back), from this day forward. For better (see above) and worse (ditto), for richer (I’m not worried) and poorer (we got this), in sickness (check) and health (too late), until Blue Ridge Mountain death do us part.

Love,

Jenn

#2 – Adam Levine

No, I don’t, Adam. Show, I mean tell, me.

Hey Jules,

You know what they say about guys with tattoos…

xox,

Adam

P.S. – I do yoga.

#3 – Justin Timberlake

Jules,

You knew I’d come back for you, Jules.

I’ve wracked my ~~brain~~ abs for a way to properly thank you for convincing me to finally bring sexy back. Are you enjoying my new album, The 20/20 Experience, which dropped March 19th? Oh wait, this isn’t about me. It’s about you. And how I plan to repay you…

Hugs and Harmonies (and more?),

JT

#4 – Bacon

My Jules,

Duh.

-Bacon

#5 – ?

That’s right, Chipmunks. Here’s your chance to nominate someone else, or throw your teeny, tiny, adorable hat in the ring. And take it from Jenn: I’m very open-minded…

Submit your 5th candidate ideas [in the comments section below] by NOON EST Wednesday, March 27th. Polls will open Thursday, March 28th at 6am EST!

Uncle Jesse, Vlogalicious, Wipe the Drool

What Do You Get For the Australian Labradoodle Who Has Everything?

March 20, 2013March 20, 2013 Go Jules Go

Dear Uncle Jesse,

I’m not sure you’ll recognize that today is special, when we shower you with gourmet, organic treats, long walks and hour-long massages. Or when we coo over and over again, ‘He’s a good man. That’s a good man. Who’s the best man?’

ToastToTwitterers — Oh. Is this not an appropriate excuse to drink champagne?

But it’s true!

Today’s your 3rd birthday!

Birthday surprises from your BFF, Shunderson!

Already you’ve been with us for 2 years, 9 months and 28 days. Now’s not the time to talk of my guilt over your silver-spooned upbringing, but rather to praise your genetic superiority and extremely reputable entry into this world thanks to your mother’s tireless research and your father’s stubborn allergies.

We named you after John Stamos’ character on Full House because we knew you were destined to be the cool one. And have great hair.

Here are just a few of the things we love about you, Uncle Jesse:

You fetch your Hot Pocket toy when we sing the jingle (“Ho-ot Pocket!”).

You dry your tongue on our pants after you take a drink.

You have access to your kibble all day, every day, and only eat it when we sit down to dinner; then you nosh lying down.

You help Dad tune the guitar when he gets to the 4th string, every time.

You learned how to do Full House-themed tricks at 9 1/2 weeks old.

(If people don’t believe the last two, they should play thE video!)

Uncle-Jesse-Tucked-Paws — Please stop touching me.

If you disapprove of someone’s petting methods, you lick them aggressively to correct the faux ~~paw~~ pas. They mistake this for affection. I’m sorry we blew up your spot, but you do it to us, too, you ungrateful ~~bastard~~ well-bred specimen.

Your legs are super long and your paws are incredibly fancy, especially when you tuck them under, or cross them just so.

You’re convinced the bedroom ceiling fan is possessed and/or omnipotent. If it’s been too quiet for too long, or something is otherwise amiss, we catch you staring at it dubiously.

I hope you enjoy this birthday tribute video I made especially for you:

Love,

Your doting and equally adorable mother

~*~*~*~*~*~

So what do you get for the Australian Labradoodle who has everything? Well, you can make like a Shel Silverstein tree, and give. Please join me in helping friend and fellow blogger, Valerie from Nikitaland:

Note: The ad below the Pledge for Pets button is not part of this post.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Blogging

“My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” Pilot Episode Airs March 20th!

March 18, 2013March 18, 2013 Go Jules Go

ATTENTION CHIPMUNKS! THIS Wednesday, March 20th, the much-anticipated pilot episode of “My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” is airing on YouTube! More details to come. You miiiiight even see MY HEAD. …I know. You’re welcome.

My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours

The ability to write about what you experience in life is gift.

Living in a dysfunctional family definitely had its down sides. You know, the feeling of being trapped in craziness, no one knows what you’re going through, how can they get away with this, what if I wind up being taken to a mental institution, etcetera etcetera. So, is there an upside? Yes. Being able to make fun of absolutely everything I want to – in the best way I know how. The written word.

Well, when I curled up on my 1983 Miss Piggy sheets in my sweatpants at my tender not-so-young age during severe unemployment and pronounced singlehood, a light bulb came on amidst the cookie-induced fog in my head. What if I created a TV show that could invite the rest of the world to laugh with and at my experience? Except, HBO wasn’t knocking at…

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Blogging

Hoop-Dee Cars Make Us Stronger. Also Funnier.

March 12, 2013March 12, 2013 Go Jules Go

Definition courtesy of urbandictionary.com.

Once upon a time, I drove a sparkly VW convertible, Aquarius blue with a gray soft top and interior. By sheer ~~nepotism~~ luck, I’d scored a well-paying job in Big Pharma right after I graduated college, and in May 2005, I bought her.

Nudge.

Named for her annoying ‘alert’ sound, Nudge had a habit of wailing the instant you sat down without your seatbelt, left the door open, or felt too smug for your own good.

Now don’t misunderstand me: I hate to drive. No interest in cars. If I won the Mega Millions, the first thing I’d do is hire a chauffeur. But Nudge, well, she was special. A sign of independence, financial and otherwise.

Before Nudge, I had a series of hoop-dee cars. I never minded; I was grateful for my parents’ hand-me-downs, already used when they bought them, barely worth $1,000 combined by the time they were in my possession. I couldn’t stand the idea of high school kids getting brand new cars for their 16th birthdays. How would they ever learn the value of a dollar, or the thrill of gluing ‘NSync bobbleheads to the dash of their 1987 Chrysler Le Baron (“Toaster”) without consequence?

When Peppermeister (Current Husband) and I decided to buy a house in 2010, I sold Nudge and paid cash for a used 2006 Hyundai Sonata with a buttload of miles on it. Aside from being in my price range, it handled well, had great pick-up, 4 doors, and most importantly, unlike Nudge, excellent visibility. At 28 years old, it was my grown-up car.

A while back, I asked you clever Chipmunks to vote on a name. The winner was a write-in for “Dash” (thanks, Girl on the Contrary!). The name was based on my car’s impressive engine, and also short for Kardashian (she had a lot of junk in the trunk at the time).

So it stunk like smoke for the first four months. It has a sunroof! That's almost as fun as a VW convertible... Right? — So it stunk like smoke for the first four months. It has a sunroof! That’s almost as fun as a brand new VW convertible that smells like hope and roses… Right?

Two weeks ago, I met up with a few lovely blogger friends for brunch: Rache from Rachel’s Table, Misty from Misty’s Laws, and Julie Maida from MaidaSomeArt. Julie had driven to Rache’s house in Delaware from Virginia, and Dash and I had come from New Jersey.

We traded war stories.

“So my heat knob’s not working now,” I began, as we I poured champagne and put Rache to work making delicious frittatas. “It used to work on the 1 and 4 levels, but now nothing. Which means I can’t use the defrost. Luckily, it was sleeting the whole drive here, so that was fun. I need warmer gloves,” I finished with the casual laugh of someone who knows all too well what it means to drive a car with the roof lining dangling on your head, loosely kept in place with multi-colored thumbtacks.

Julie Maida and her custom Rachel's Table champagne glass. You're welcome for my amazing photography. — Julie Maida and her custom Rachel’s Table champagne glass.

Julie replied, “Did you have a bottle of water, at least?”

I looked at her quizzically. She explained, “To thaw the ice. I took my husband’s car, and the windshield wiper fluid doesn’t work. And you know it was misting just enough where the wipers only smudge up the windshield. Luckily, I had a bottle of water in the car, so I tossed that on the windshield when I stopped to pay the tolls – which is also when I had to open the car door because the window won’t roll down.”

It reminded me of one of my all-time favorite hoop-dee stories. Peppermeister drove a real winner when we started dating in 2003: A 1987 Chevy Blazer. There was an issue with the lock, but he was able to open the doors with… a dime. A dime in the keyhole. A dime he kept hidden in the rust hole at the bottom of the driver’s side door.

Let me repeat that.

He opened his car using a dime that he stored in the rust hole of the car door.

What’s your favorite hoop-dee car story? I really can’t wait to hear.

Blogging, Food, Giveaway Junkie, humor

Pi Day Pie Challenge: Are You Ready For the Next Level?

March 6, 2013March 5, 2013 Go Jules Go

Remember how much you love my Tollhouse pie, JM? *cough*

My friend, JM Randolph, author of the spectacularly funny and engaging blog, Accidental Stepmom, is hosting a Pi Day Pie Challenge.

What the fudge is that, you ask?

In her early blogging days, JM had to make a ‘Pi Day Pie’ for her stepdaughter’s math class – they were celebrating March 14th (= 3.14) as Pi Day. Though JM claims to have half-assed it, this was the result:

This year, JM decided to host a contest where you can create your best Pi Day Pie, and the winner gets “Poopourri” (~~seeing~~ smelling is believing)! But really, everyone’s a winner, because… pie.

There was obviously no way I wasn’t entering this contest.

I love pie. Me ‘n pie (pie and I?) go way back. I even talk about pie on my About page. I’m very proud of the fact that I make my own crust.

But this experience uncovered a dark secret. Something I’m hesitant to admit…

I f&*$#% hate making pie crust!

I hate it the way Michelle hates wrapping presents.

The way Speaker7 ~~loves~~ hates 50 Shades of Grey.

The way Thoughtsy hates unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

It starts with the stress of adding ice water. Not regular water. Ice water. One drop too little, your dough won’t stick together. One drop too much, you’ve got chewy, tough crust.

Pi Day Pie Water — Can you hear my heart pounding?

Then there’s cleaning the food processor. (Oh sure – you try making crust without a food processor. That’s what hell looks like: A stick of cold butter, flour and a fork.)

Ah, like scrubbing super glue with tears.

Then there’s making an even bigger mess rolling it out, which, half the time, ends in a piece of dough the shape of Texas.

Pray for me. — I’m not even kidding – that scar on my wrist is from making pie.

Nevertheless, I finally got my chocolate chip-walnut Tollhouse pie assembled, still not sure how I was going to decorate it.

Just as I closed the oven door, inspiration hit.

And it was green lights and all rights from there on out.

Note my vain attempt to counterbalance this activity with a green smoothie. — Speaking of green, note my vain attempt to counterbalance this activity with a kale smoothie.

I've never done anything more fulfilling in my life. — I’ve never done anything more fulfilling in my life.

And the final product…

Game. On.

Deadline: 11:59pm EST on March 13, 2013. Email your photos to JM or blog it up like me and link back to her source post!

Do you have any cooking / baking pet peeves?

Blogging

Did You Know I Write For You?

March 1, 2013February 28, 2013 Go Jules Go

Yesterday, the panic settled in – that WordPressurey feeling that’s become all too familiar: Oh god I’m so behind on reading blogs, people are going to think I don’t care about them, and why can’t I find my dashboard, and why is my comments widget missing, and WHAT AM I GOING TO WRITE ABOUT NEXT?

And that’s when I read one of my favorite blogs, She’s A Maineiac. Suddenly all was right in the world. Darla had posed a series of hilarious and compelling questions to bloggers.

I’d found my next blog post. Warning: We’re about to go deep.

Thanks, DP!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Why in the hell do you blog?

I believe in taking baby steps, to JUST KEEP GOING, in order to survive and thrive creatively, and blogging has been the perfect medium for that approach. It’s manageable, yet lets me push myself.

Like this happened. — On the set of the “My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” pilot webisode shoot, Oct 2012.

He loves peppers and I love...blogging. — Have you heard? He loves peppers.

How did you discover blogging? What was your initial impression?

Husband #1, Peppermeister, has a blog and urged me to start my own. My degree is in Creative Writing, but I’d let writing slip for many years.

My first impression was, “Um, hello? Anyone out there? Can you please tell me what HTML is?”

Were you shy and withdrawn as a child or gregarious?

A little of both. Still am. In social situations, if I’m with someone shy, I’ll step up to the plate and carry the conversation; if I’m surrounded by extroverts, I’ll take a back seat. I cater to others to distract myself from my own insecurities; it’s exhausting, actually.

How close is your ‘blogging’ persona to the real you?

I think Rache (Rachel's Table) was really disappointed. — With Rache (Rachel’s Table) in Nov 2012. What was that about shyness?

Oh gawd. I get so nervous when I meet other bloggers in person; I worry they’ll be disappointed with the gal behind the ‘stache glasses. Nevertheless, this blog helped me find my voice, and sometimes I think it’s the most genuine representation of me.

How has blogging changed you or your life?

It’s given me creative momentum, which is huge, but what’s life-changing? The connections I’ve made with fellow bloggers. They inspire me every day – this post is a perfect example.

Do you consider yourself to be a ‘writer’?

It took a long, long time; I’ve been writing since I was a kid. One day in my mid-20s, it just clicked: I write, therefore I am a writer.

Do you prefer to write, then edit, edit, edit or just throw up on a page and be done with it?

I’ve never written a post without tweaking it at least 10 times. Usually more. Some of it has to do with the visual component – that’s very important to me. I’m still wondering about the text format I chose for these questions!

How confident are you after you hit that dreaded ‘publish’ button?

I’ve gotten better at letting it go, in part because I can count on such a supportive blogging community. But when I share something personal, or spend another 20 hours making a video, believe me – I’m holding my breath!

Have you ever regretted something you’ve written?

I really regret wearing that red shirt in my ‘200th post’ video blog – does that count?

Have you ever been 100% satisfied with something you’ve written?

Yes. Once:

The Byronic Man and me. It was his birthday. It was special.

Do you view your writing as good, bad, so-so, or ‘eh, you really don’t care’? Do you ever look back at a post and cringe?

I think my writing has improved VASTLY since I started this blog, but there’s plenty of room for improvement, and there always will be. And YES, some of my old posts make me cringe (note how I’m not linking back to any here)!

When you write, do you have a certain audience in mind, or do you just go with your gut and let the words spew forth without a care who would like it or not? In other words, do you censor yourself at all?

Darla and I actually talked about this last week during one of our marathon phone chats. We agreed blogging [for us] has evolved to where we write with a specific audience in mind – regular readers that we like to tease or make laugh.

I know everyone says write for yourself, but I did that for years, and let me tell you: It’s way, way more fun to write for your friends – yeah, I mean you!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Aren’t these questions fantastic? If you haven’t already, please go check out the source post on She’s A Maineiac – I encourage you to answer them, too!

~*~*~*~*~*~

And the random winner of the 2nd blogoversary ‘stache glasses is… Susie Lindau! She was the 41st commenter (not counting my comment replies)!

	Grab a drink and Chi… on Dating: A Mental Load (of You…
	Go Jules Go on Dating: A Mental Load (of You…
	Grab a drink and Chi… on Dating: A Mental Load (of You…
	Go Jules Go on PLEASE STOP SAYING “JOUR…
	Anonymous on PLEASE STOP SAYING “JOUR…
	Go Jules Go on PLEASE STOP SAYING “JOUR…

Month: March 2013

Vote for My Final 3rd Spouse Candidate!

The Candidates

Clearly I need your help. Who’s your pick For the final 3rd spouse candidate? (Vote for up to 3!)

My Bed is Getting Cold

Let’s review the candidates…

#1 – My BFF, Jenn

#2 – Adam Levine

#3 – Justin Timberlake

#4 – Bacon

#5 – ?

What Do You Get For the Australian Labradoodle Who Has Everything?

Here are just a few of the things we love about you, Uncle Jesse:

(If people don’t believe the last two, they should play thE video!)

I hope you enjoy this birthday tribute video I made especially for you:

“My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” Pilot Episode Airs March 20th!

Hoop-Dee Cars Make Us Stronger. Also Funnier.

Pi Day Pie Challenge: Are You Ready For the Next Level?

And the final product…

Game. On.

Did You Know I Write For You?

Why in the hell do you blog?

How did you discover blogging? What was your initial impression?

Were you shy and withdrawn as a child or gregarious?

How close is your ‘blogging’ persona to the real you?

How has blogging changed you or your life?

Do you consider yourself to be a ‘writer’?

Do you prefer to write, then edit, edit, edit or just throw up on a page and be done with it?

How confident are you after you hit that dreaded ‘publish’ button?

Have you ever regretted something you’ve written?

Do you view your writing as good, bad, so-so, or ‘eh, you really don’t care’? Do you ever look back at a post and cringe?

When you write, do you have a certain audience in mind, or do you just go with your gut and let the words spew forth without a care who would like it or not? In other words, do you censor yourself at all?