I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Just For Fun

A Very Byronic Birthday!

I’m so excited right now, I don’t know whether to pee or squee. Wait. Do chipmunks squee? I mean I know they pee, and they give really sh*tty advice, for sure, but I guess there’s still so much I don’t know about them…where was I going with this? Oh, right:

Today is The Byronic Man‘s birthday!

You probably didn’t know that, because let’s face it, your blogger-stalking skills are just not what they ought to be. That’s where I come in.

(If you *gasp, sputter, gadzooks!* don’t know The Byronic Man, please stop everything you’re doing, tell your boss/spouse/kids/plants/Jeremiah your new garden bull frog [oh, just me?] you’re suffering from a happiness-threatening giggle deficit, and head over to his blog. You won’t be sorry. Oh and hey, while you’re there, maybe vote for me in his latest Question of the Week contest.)

B-Man and I, well, we’re like peanut butter and jelly chocolate, Balki and Larry, slap bracelets and martinis. We’ve been yucking it up for about a year now, united by our love of being awesome, adorable and more awesome the silly. From talking animals to dental hygiene to spicy food, there’s little we don’t agree on. When I read his blog, especially posts like this, somehow, the world makes sense again.

Now, this isn’t just some lame, “Hey man. I heard it was your birthday. Cool. You going out to dinner? Oh that’s nice. Have a good one!” post.

No, no. It’s so much more than that. More like in Harry Potter when they tried to get one of the horcruxes from Bellatrix Lestrange’s safe at Gringotts and everything kept multiplying. Yeah. More like that.

As far as The Byronic Man’s concerned, I’ve been working with a local printer and cardboard cut-outs are involved. This has been his only other clue:

This is my chance to show B-Man what our BFF-ship means to me. After all, he gave me a prize-winning birthday post back in April.

So, thanks to that very post, and a certain ‘kid photo’ contest I entered in May, I was able to make The Byronic Man…

The Greatest most unsettling Birthday Card of All-Time.

I learned how to do new things in PowerPoint for this.

You’re welcome, B. You. Are. Welcome.

How do you feel about giving/getting birthday surprises?

86 thoughts on “A Very Byronic Birthday!”

    1. Ha! I’m all over it! Thanks so much – I hope this doesn’t give him nightmares, considering I already scarred my dog for life in the past week 😉

  1. This is the best birthday post I have ever seen. Kudos to you, Jules.

    I think you should have the last picture blown up, put on cardboard and you should put it in the front window of your house to let the world know about the magical duo of Larry and Balki.

    You two are blogtastic. When I see there’s a post from both of you in my reader and I can barely contain my excitement.

    Happy birthday, B-man! (again. How many times do I have to tell you this?)

      1. Uh oh, maybe I need more coffee because I can’t figure out what part DIDN’T make sense. I hope not the part where you said all those nice things. 😉 LOL!

    1. Darla! I did a little happy dance when I saw you were ‘online’ today 🙂 I think you’re absolutely right re: the cardboard blow-up. (Someone I know actually did this for their husband’s 40th*, using this horrific kid picture of him, and it was SO life-like and amazing.)

      You always know how to make a gal feel good, even when there’s a disturbing Halloween costume picture of her just one scroll away 😉

      *I should point out I have no confirmation of B-Man’s actual age, but he’s older than me and that’s all I needed to know. ‘Over the hill’ jokes never, er, get old…right?

      1. I think you should do the blown-up poster thing…then take videos of yourself carrying it out in public, then post it on youtube so it can go viral. The perfect bday gift for B-man.

        I also think B-man should teach his classes dressed in drag.

        Also….B-man is younger than me. My guess is 35…then again, my eyesight isn’t very good at my age, he’s probably much much older. Hard to tell with only half a head in his pic (Happy bday, B-man! Did I mention I wish you a happy day today?)

        1. Wait, is today B-Man’s birthday? 😉

          I think making this thing go viral is the only logical next step. The perfect Christmas present, perhaps?

        2. Darla, I think you and I are right about the same age, aren’t we? It’s funny, I’ve never been self-conscious of my age, but just now having a baby for the first time, I’m suddenly uneasy about it.

          1. That’s right…you did almost go to the same college around the same time as me…so unless you were a child prodigy and got into college at the age of 12 (I wouldn’t be surprised if you did) you are close to my age. I’m certain I’m still older than you because you have no right to look so good with half a head at my age.

  2. Happy Birthday, Byronic Man! You don’t look a day over 18. I think it’s the whole half-face thing. And the synergy! Oh, the synergy! You two are so cute I don’t know whether to adopt you for being so cute or to sue you for mentioning Balki and Larry in a blog post (taking a little advice I recently got from the old man himself…because I’m sure you’ll remember that I wrote a post about Bronson Pinchot last month).

    That might be the greatest disturbing birthday card I’ve ever seen…and I used to work at a Hallmark store so believe me that I’ve seen A LOT.

    1. Ah HAH! I bet YOU’RE the reason we’ve had Bronson Pinchot on the mind and didn’t know why. It’s all coming together now…!

      You’re right B-Man doesn’t look a day over 18. I was just telling Darla I’m not 100% sure what # birthday this is, but nothing will stop me from making ‘over the hill’ jokes.

      Wow. Babs used to work at a Hallmark store, too. You two could exchange some serious war stories. If I sent this picture to the ‘awkward family photos’ lot, do you think they would ‘get’ it?

      1. Babs and I could have quite the conversation about people who swap better envelopes for their cards. I can’t even go there or I’ll start throwing heavy breakable things.

        Precious Moments. Two words I can never say out loud again. Ever.

        1. Precious Moments! Gah! Say no more.

          If I have to dust something, I at least want it to say “Number 1 Goalie Who Wasn’t Really Number 1 But Was Too Chubby to Play Forward Like She Really Wanted.”

  3. Holy smokes! This stalking drama is like an accident you just can’t look away from.

    Personally, my birthday is too close to the Christmas holidays to have ever gotten too excited about. Maybe it was the “Oh-crap-I-already-overspent-on-xmas-and-now-it’s-Dave’s-damn-birthday!” moment my parents had every year. Or maybe it was how my parents would classify one of my Christmas presents as “a sort of a Christmas/birthday kind of gift thing”

    In any case the therapy has worked wonders and there’s only trace amounts of residual bitterness now.

    I’m getting out some medical texts to look up this “squee” phenomenon.

    1. ha ha I think that picture is definitely like an accident you can’t look away from, Dave!

      And Christmas time birthdays. Yeah. There’s no sugar-plum coating it. That blows.

    1. *gasp* You just made my day, speaker! You’re gonna love him – I only befriend bloggers funnier and better-looking than me (present company included), because I believe it makes me look better by proxy.

      P.S. – I saw you posted more Shades posts this weekend – and here I thought I couldn’t ‘squee’ any louder! I can’t wait to catch up (I’m so bad about blogging over the weekend)!

  4. That is probably simultaneously the most disturbing yet adorably dorktastic thing I have ever seen anybody do to, er FOR, for anyone on their birthday. Bravo, Jules. I think you’ve ensured not only a very happy birthday for B man, but also years and years of therapy sessions in his future! That’s what you were going for, right? 😉

    Good job, Jules. And Happy bday, Byronic!!

    1. Ha ha! I love that the dorkiness manages to shine through; I’m still kind of stuck in the ‘I’ve just sent someone to therapy’ zone. (I guess I might as well commit: Yeah! Totally! Exactly what I was going for!)

      Thanks, Misty! And hey…when’s your birthday again…? 😉

      1. Uh oh. I think I’m scared now. Not until February! :p

        Oh, and I just voted for your caption! Would greatly appreciate reciprocity from you on MY caption on GG’s site. Please? 😉

        1. BEWARE. LOL Oooh, thanks!! I really want to win this one, but I fear I was too cocky. Freddy came outta no where.

          Excellent – I’m off to do that right now!

  5. Hey Jules, thanks for this new blogger info. I’ll check him out and Happy B-day to your blogger peep. I’ll vote for ya. (love your PP card to him).

    1. Brigitte, I feel like I should apologize, because once you start reading over on his blog, you won’t be able to stop! I hope you didn’t have anything else to do today. 😉

      Thank you so much!

  6. I see that you’re ahead in the contest. That’s a good thing, because, uh, I didn’t vote for you *cringe*. It’s not you, it’s me. I hope you’re not too angry with me, being a new follower and all. The bologna caption just “fit” the photo, and anything that makes me choke coffee onto my keyboard deserves something. Perhaps I can go vote again, to ease my conscience…

    Happy birthday, Byronic. Since we can only see half your face, does that make you half your age?

    1. BTW, that photo at the end of your card is quite disturbing. And fitting. (And I voted again. And it took! Now I feel shameful…)

      1. Whew. Shannon, for a minute there I thought I was going to have to challenge you to a bologna-pork roll battle 😉

        And what’s this, we can vote multiple times? Be right back.

        LOL in all seriousness, thank you, and I promise to always humbly bow down to the ‘coffee spit take’ genius in all things caption-y!

  7. Byronic Man isn’t here yet! QUICK! Hide behind the couch and then when he shows up, we’ll all shout, “Happy Birthday Byronic Man!” I am going to look for a good hiding place since all of you just crept behind the couch. Jules, you go to the window and watch for him….

  8. How proud of yourself must you be for that photo? Seriously. Not only is this an awesome birthday present, it’s an AWESOME birthday present. Thank you so much!

    You even managed to make it look like I’m in drag, which must have been difficult since there are obviously no photos like that in reality.

    1. LOL I wonder if you heard the sigh of relief I breathed just now! Part of me thought you might never forgive me for that picture. Although I still laughed my a*s off the past two days. “It was my pleasure” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! You look disturbingly good for 78.

  9. Hahahahahahaha! This was muy excellente! That’s French for “Gosh darnit this was funny!”

    P.S. I am following you, but your posts are not showing up in the feed. Why WordPress WHY?! I knew about this post, because someone mentioned it on Byronic’s post. I’m so confused.

    1. Gosh darnit gracias, Lenore!

      Oh, the Reader le hates moi. Although I do enjoy people getting to my blog posts because they heard about them elsewhere… 😉

  10. That last picture… Wow! You have some serious photoshop skills. Are those tombstones? If they are, I’m definitely not giving you my birthdate. Actually, that’s a lie. I stopped having birthdays years ago…

    1. Can you believe what PowerPoint can do?! I accidentally ‘removed the background’ from a picture last week, and I was like, “Oprah, you don’t even KNOW Aha! moments!” It was destiny.

      Hmm. I just may HAVE to find out your birthday. These creepy ‘stache glasses are always watching… 😉

  11. Jules, you are awesome! I’m having a fit of giggles! Loving the card message you have. I love birthday surprises! Or surprises (good ones of course!) for that matter.

    1. Thank you so much! Part of me can’t believe anyone can see past their horror [of that Halloween costume] to get to any sort of awesome. It must be the power of The Byronic Man!

  12. Man, oh man, Jules. That picture is going to haunt my dreams tonight. You’ve outdone yourself with that one. Thanks for pointing us in the direction of this fantastically funny blog. I perused the “Please Hire Me” posts and may have snorted a tiny bit of iced coffee out of my nose. But just a tiny bit.

    1. Ha ha! I’m sorry about that, Rian. No one should have to see this, yet I can’t help the feeling that EVERYONE should have to see this. 😉

      Ooh, I’m so glad you were checking out his blog! And you’ve already learned the first lesson of Byronic Man Club – put down the coffee before you click!

  13. The reference to Larry and Balki ALONE made this post. Then the rest of it made it even, um, more. Love it, and feel suddenly remiss for all the people I haven’t wished a happy birthday this year, which is pretty much everyone. *cough*

    1. “…even, um, more,” LOL!! Perfect. Thanks, Deb! Can you believe what PowerPoint can do?! Now if only I knew how to make your animated gifs… then again, I need to keep my job, so, don’t tell me.

      And you know what? Sometimes I’m ticked when I look for birthday cards before a birthday only to see that the belated ones are funnier. I say milk that for all it’s worth! 😉

  14. I feel like I just swallowed a little tooth paste. I may be scarred for life over that last picture. Should a toothpaste tube be eating a lollipop? Should a toothpaste tube have a cross dresser with a cupcake on their lap? I, I, I … I’m speechless. 🙂

    Happy birthday to B-Man.

    1. Ha ha! Sorry, MJ. I should have added some sort of disclaimer to this. I hope you weren’t eating.

      I think the real question is, should an ELEVEN year old have an adult male cross-dresser on her lap?

  15. You have outdone yourself, Jules! B is one lucky Byronic Man to have such a thoughtful and creative BFF. I still can’t get over your toothpaste costume. It will never get old. Ever. It reminds me of the time I dressed up as a bag of jelly beans.

    I’m planning a surprise 30th for the husband. So far Star Wars is involved. I’m thinking of wearing a gold bikini with the dual-bun hairdo. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

    1. Aw, thanks, Rache! I think it would be hilarious if you wore the jelly beans and I wore the toothpaste (it still fits!), and you could be all, “I’ll rot your teeth out, mwahaha!”

      Gold bikini and Princess Leia hair, eh? I’d say you can stop right there and call it a success! LOL

      1. Ahahaha. The image of you and me as grown ups in those costumes is priceless. I’m LOL-ing. I can just see the thought bubble above your head: “You’ll never catch MEEE, Jellybeans! I fight cavities with my bare hands!” I see a Halloween party in our future!!

  16. I’m speechless, Jules. I don’t know what’s more impressive– the dental hygiene reference in a birthday card, your mad PowerPoint skillz, or that photo. Oh, the photo!

    1. LOL Dana, it really is breathtaking, isn’t it? I keep thinking it’ll get less funny, then I come back and burst out laughing. Every. Time.

      Oh. I’m supposed to be modest, right? Well… er… I don’t think *I* made this funny. It just *is* funny.

      How was that?

    1. Thank you so much, Nina! I liked surprises UNTIL my bridal party nearly gave me a heart attack (with my shower…3 months before my wedding… and I thought it was a surprise birthday party for one of them).

  17. Also, this blog of yours is getting pretty BIG. Look at all those blog followers. Holy moly. I think I said that last week or the week before, but it’s so cool it deserves another mention.

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