humor, Marriage

Happy Valentine’s Day! I Love the Cool, Sexy Way Your Body Moves.

Dear Peppermeister (a.k.a. First Husband),

***Spoiler Alert***

I found the most perfect Valentine’s Day card for you. In fact, words cannot express how perfect it is (other than the words in this card), so, I made you this video. (Sorry about the swearing; I’m just so damn passionate about our relationship.)

I know you remember how I feel about greeting cards.

You can thank me in champagne chocolates cheese champagne, chocolates and cheese.


Go Jules Go


So, what kind of greeting cards do you go for to express your deepest sentiments?

60 thoughts on “Happy Valentine’s Day! I Love the Cool, Sexy Way Your Body Moves.”

  1. Ha – that was wonderful. I think I’ll make a card for Sweet Cheeks – maybe put a Webcam type picture in itm of someone else. Hope you and Le Pep have a glorious, romantic Valentine’s Day.

    1. “But YOU’RE not my husband! Are you ANYONE’S husband?!” <— Me, by myself, staring at that card for 2 hours last night. Sigh. I love it so much.

      I think B Man's got a great picture of himself on yesterday’s post you could grab for your card for Sweet Cheeks.

  2. My wife is giving me the same card I get every year – that is to say, none. I’m jealous of the Peppermeister, in that you spent all that time and well over 4 bucks to show him just how much you care about some black guy. I’m tearing up a little.

    1. It’s the best $4.49 I’ve ever spent. I expect something Glee-related in return, as a show of his gratitude. I don’t care if it comes from Peppermeister, or the guy on the card.

  3. Te he he, I think he’s gonna love it…. but I think you should stick a photo of yourself somewhere on it!
    Also have sent you an email with a couple of photos! I thought you might like to see the card I just made for the Bob! 😀 (Yet to write the mushy stuff though)…. xxx

    1. I’m SO happy you emailed me that card – it gets the Jules Chipmunk-Shaped Stamp of Approval (despite its lack of chipmunks).

      I think I’m going to put a picture of myself trying to make out with the guy on the card, in the card.

  4. The cool, sexy way your body moves, hahahaha. I could never give a card like that to my husband without snickering while I did so. I’m just too sarcastic. I try to find humor cards, but those usually suck ass too. Valentines is such a crap holiday. Except chocolate. Chocolate is good. Last year I got him a chocolate rose because we were selling them at work and I’d forgotten to get anything. Then he never ate it so I did.

    I am an awesome wife.

    1. It took SIX takes for me to read that card through without laughing. It’s my favorite thing since sheet giveaways.

      Not only are you an awesome wife, you’re not wasteful. Does he know how lucky he is?

  5. Glitter is a given.It has to have glitter. When it’s sprouting out of your anonymous Valentine’s head, all the better.

    I hope Peppermeister springs for the good champagne, chocolate, and cheese. You’ve really outdone yourself here. Your *whole* lunch break? Wow. You are a woman in love.

    1. All 15 minutes of it, Debbie. 14.5 spent being the person hysterically laughing in the card aisle. I’m really not sure how that came across, given the card I was holding. I was pretty excited to check out, though.

      I think $4.48 was spent on glitter. Then again, card models don’t come cheap.

  6. I really enjoyed this, Jules. It was the coolest, most sexy video I’ve seen all day.

    Picking out greeeting cards brings out my angry side. How can there be so many crappy cards in this day and age?!? Good thing you found one of the good ones 🙂

    1. Thanks, Carly! I’m already worried about next Valentine’s Day. How are things going to get any cooler or sexier?

      I’m a sucker for the ‘Awkward Family Photos’ cards. Wait… do you think this card IS one??

      1. You can have me write it. It will be awesome… and then you can photoshop a bunch of chipmunks cat-calling you just so he remembers how lucky he is. It’s the next level.

  7. And now I’m fearful that when I go to Walgreen’s on my lunch break today, I will not possibly be able to find a card as epic and romantic as that one! OR as creepy. Thanks, Jules. Way to raise the freakin’ bar!

    And nice salty language on the video there. You really must be passionate about The Pepster to pull out the PG-13 language. Dayum, girl. 😉

    This also begs the question . . . what are you getting for husband #2?

    1. I suggest you hit the craft aisle and load up on glitter, then the magazine aisle for pictures of unfamiliar models, so that in the event the card aisle fails you, you can make your own very cool, very sexy card. Don’t settle for any sh*t.

      I’m getting Second Hub the same card, but with a picture of Adam Levine on it.

      1. I stopped at Walgreens today to buy cards. I even looked in the Mahogany section, but alas, I could not find the same card to give to my hubby. That Pep is a lucky lucky man.

  8. I don’t even buy Valentine’s Day cards anymore. I make my own. That’s why I just watched your video 8 times in order to get all those words down on card stock. Such poetry.

    The hubs is going to LOVE this. Can I borrow a photo from your blog for the front of the card?

    1. In one of the outtakes, I offered every drop of booze and chipmunk paraphernalia I have if someone could tell me who that guy was.

      Maybe that’s it! Maybe this is a line of cards strictly for people in the exotic dance industry. Someone’s going to have to explain to my neice why there’s no glitter left for her valentines.

  9. You’d be surprised that I only made $20 for writing that — and no royalties, whatsoever. Fecking cheapskates at Hallmark. Glad it worked for you and Pep and I’m also happy to see that you got my sardonic wit.

  10. Wow. You really set the bar high – how are the rest of us supposed to live up to your example this Valentine’s Day? The only thing that could improve this epic love-poem to Peps would be the addition of Peaches & Herb’s “Reunited” as background music.

    1. I posted this 3 days in advance just to try to give people a head start.

      You have no idea how much I want to redo this video now, with that song playing the background.

  11. That really made me laugh too…I am guilty of giving my husband such crap, but let’s face it, card companies wouldn’t make any money if they printed realistic ones like…I’m lucky to get to clean your turd stains out of the toilet, or…I love the way you burp out your appreciation of my cooking skills or my favorite, thank you for letting me smell that fart. Yeah, they would probably go belly up…

    1. Actually, I think if you made a line of greeting cards like that, by next Valentine’s Day, you’d be neighbors with George Clooney and tossing out your socks after one wear.

      (Yes, apparently those are the indicators of great wealth to me.)

  12. Oooh!!! Peppermeister is gonna die. Has he seen this yet? You’ll have to tell us his reaction.

    See, this is why I don’t buy cards–ever. Jim and I stopped exchanging cards about a decade ago, they just went straight into the trash anyway. And they never contained any ten dollar bills, so what’s the point? But if I did get a card like the one you had in your video, I’d consider keeping it.

    1. Speaking of cards and ten dollars . . . I almost got you a VD card, Darla. I was standing in line at the grocery store, and there was this card rack with the absolute perfect card. So I grabbed it, opened it, heard the song and closed it quick (I had to save all that awesomeness for you!) and got ready to buy it. Then I hapened to turn it over to look at the price. $9.99. A card. For almost ten bucks! For that price, he better come out of that card personally and sing to you. Jeesh!! So, obviously I put that thing back right quick. Sorry Darla. I love you, but not ten dollars for a piece of singing paper love you.

      1. Misty, when I first read “I almost got you a VD card,” I thought you were talking about the OTHER kind of VD. I was like, “Wow, they really do make cards for everything now. Also, that’s hilarious. That beats strange man on a Valentine’s Day card any day.”

        And I thought $4.49 was bad!

      2. Aw, thanks for the almost-buying it, Misty! It’s the half-assed thought that never counts! By the way…are you entirely sure this VD card wasn’t a card that prevents people from catching venereal disease? because that MIGHT explain the 9.99 price.

    2. The video was the first time he saw the card, ha! After ten years, it’s pretty hard to shock him when it comes to my cards.

      If we had a mantle, though, this one would soooo be on it.

      1. Mantle? If I had it, I would blow the card up, slap it on poster board, frame it, hang it above my bed and drape it in romantic flowers and lights.

        But that’s just me. I’ve been married a lot longer than you have.

  13. Aww shucks, Jules. If I got that card from my husband he’d be like: “Who’s this mo-fo? Is this the guy you’ve been sleeping with? Does he read your blog? You took that picture didn’t you?” It would end with cops and one of us in hand-cuffs. I tried giving him the same Valentines that I buy my kids to take to school, but then he was like “What’d you do with the other 23 Valentines? Did you give them to every guy in the neighborhood? Did you send them to the guys that read your blog?”

    Just kidding.

    That card was creepy.


    …or crying…

      1. Ha! NO. That’s amazing. Next year I’m going to get Peppermeister a card just like this one, but a picture of a strange woman next to, “I Love That You’re My Wife.” ha ha ha ha ha Yessss.

  14. 4.49?? US?? Not even 4.49 in drachmas!?

    I like Valentine’s cards that are sincere and sweet and loving… and then spell your spouse’s name wrong. Maybe write someone else’s name entirely.

    1. If I had $4.49 for every time I accurately predicted what you’d comment on, I’d have… I don’t know. Some odd-looking amount of money.

      The whole experience of this card opened up “a world of questions I NEVER anticipated having to ask!!!”

  15. Ummm, is your husband like, “who the hell is this guy you photo shopped onto this card? Are you trying to tell me something? Are you breaking up with me?” Because I know that’s what my husband would think with a picture line that in a heart of glitter.

    1. I really think you can tell everything you need to know about a person by their taste in greeting cards. My husband gave this one a hearty chuckle and nod of approval, because it’s just that delightfully weird and inappropriate and illogical.

      We once found a greeting card on the side of the road, all dirty, and what was handwritten inside was so amazingly awful that we kept it. It was basically a poorly spelled confession of love, but clearly someone had just tossed the card out the window, which made it just amazing.

      And that concludes today’s overshare.

  16. I always go funny, but one year I gave him a serious mushy card and he showed it to everyone who walked by and said, “See? She thinks I am wonderful!” Never again. 🙂

  17. This is a delight, and smart.

    Every year I haul out the glitter glue and make my own valentines and put them in the mail.. because who gets real mail that makes them smile anymore anyway?

  18. Jules, that card is da bomb! Da bomb-chicka-bomb-chicka-bomb-bomb wink, wink, nudge, nudge if you know what I mean and I don’t think you thankfully do.

    What the hell? I’m trying to think of a situation where someone would by their sweetheart a card with a picture of another man on it. Is this card maybe to the single woman? Does she buy it for herself and live in the fantasy that this is her husband and she likes how he moves, which is impossible because no man fits that description.

  19. That card is amazing. As a cheap artist, I’ve always made andré his valentines cards. He likes to bring them to work to show his coworkers which i think is so frickin cute. I’m pretty stoked to post this years online because they are a winning combination of painfully bad joke, geekiness and poor artistic skill. You can’t really ask for much more than that.
    As for andré, he hates giving me cards lol. Infact, last year i actually chose which card i wanted to give me. Thoughtful right?

Leave a Reply. Because I Love You.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.