humor, Kvetching

Scenes From A Weird-Ass Week

DAY 1 – BED, BATH & BEYOND – EVENING

CASHIER

Hi! How are you doing?

JULES

Good, thanks.

CASHIER

What nationality are you?

JULES

Uhhh… German, Irish. And…English…

CASHIER

Oh yeah, ’cause your accent is just great.

JULES

Thank…you.

How I Think I Sound:

How THEY Think I Sound:

BBB

DAY 2 – JULES’ CAR – NIGHT

JULES

Are those flashing lights? Are we being pulled over?

PEPPERMEISTER (HUSBAND #1)

Yes. Calm down!

POLICE OFFICER

Do you know why I pulled you over?

PEPPERMEISTER

No.

POLICE OFFICER

Both of your headlights are out. Both of them. Both…of…them. You only have one fog light on.

DAY 3 – JULES’ HOUSE – BATHROOM – MORNING

JULES

(stepping on scale)

LIES!!!!!!

JULES picks up PHONE and dials PEPPERMEISTER.

JULES (CON’T)

I need you to find kale. Like yesterday.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

DAY 4 – JULES’ HOUSE – KITCHEN – LATE AFTERNOON

PEPPERMEISTER (HUSBAND #1)

My mom would like a dark chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting for her birthday.

JULES

I’m on it. I shall prepare everything from scratch, just as I’ve done since I was 9. In fact, I have the perfect recipe! I normally use it for cupcakes, but no matter! What could go wrong?

30 MINUTES LATER…

All the cream cheese frosting in the world couldn't make this right.
All the cream cheese frosting in the world can’t make this right.

DAY 5 – JULES’ HOUSE – BEDROOM – EVENING

JULES

(cleaning)

Oh, what’s this under the side table? An old fortune! Well whatever it says, it’s going to shed some light on my life and tell me what I should do next, I just know it!

Todays-Fortune

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Did you have any ‘off’ experiences this week?

Pssst…next week is my 2-year blog-o-versary! I’m not even sure you’re prepared for what I have in store. Here’s a sneak peek:

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69 thoughts on “Scenes From A Weird-Ass Week”

  1. Jules,
    Le Clown loves videos!! And there were two!! Danke mein Freund…
    And the second one? Best damn second I’ve had all day.
    I see there was text too… Could you read it on film?
    Tschüß!
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clown,

      De nada, and lucky for vous: I’m thinking of going all le vlogs all le time.

      Wow. This German-Irish-English gal speaks some preeeeetttttty amazing Spanish and French (Spench? Franish?), no?

      Le Julietta

  2. Funny – When I went to my reader and first saw this post, WP didn’t recognize me and my marginally witty comment was assigned to that glory hound, Mr. Anonymous. Now that it recognizes me, I’m left without a suitably smart alecky thing to say. Where’s the justice?

      1. Technically, it’s only me when it’s witty and borderline urbane. Otherwise it’s just some interloper.

        But seriously, I went onto Jules’ post twice from my own reader and left comments. If it’s MY reader, one would think that the website would know it was me leaving the comment, like it had always done up until this morning, when it had a little techno-hissy fit and started behaving like a little brat.

        I’m over it now…lots of deep breathing and a little time heals all wounds.

            1. Not. At. ALL. I WANT THAT PIG. It has been BANANAS ’round these parts in the past week – this is the first time I’m responding to comments in THREE days! *hangs head in shame*

              Also, my blogoversary video for tomorrow mayyyy have taken roughly 20-300 hours to put together. Shhh. I never said that. Totally effortless shenanigans, over here.

  3. Do you mind if I “borrow” from your fortune? I think “Champion of Whatever” would be a groovy tag line. (This week I found two lost fortunes — and they both said the same thing!)

    I hope the weird week ends and you are rewarded with a wonderful weekend.

  4. Bed Bath and Beyond is a strange store for sure – I’ll probably be asked next when was the last time you had sex or something like that! Next time I head in there, I will do the 20 questions with the cashier first!

  5. Was that an accent over the double-you. Double-ew? I’m having a block. How do you spell the letter double-ya. Omigosh. So funny! Can’t wait to hear the hi jinx you have up your sleeve. You truly are the Champion of Whatever. Don’t forget the accent.

    Wait, maybe it’s just a little kale. 😉

    1. Sprinkles! I really, really never thought I’d botch something SO FAR beyond repair that even cream cheese icing couldn’t make it right. (I DID make a trifle out of it, though, by crumbling it up with whipped cream and strawberries… Peppermeister’s eating it RIGHT. NOW. TMI?)

  6. Oh boy. Not sure what this portends for tomorrow. Should I be worried? I might be a little worried.

    And finally! I always wondered who the Champion of Whatever was. And now I finally discover that it is YOU. No matter how much I strive, or continue with my rigorous training, I can only seem to be the 2nd or 3rd greatest at Whatever. I bow to you, oh master!

    1. Sometimes I really wish I could be the Champion of Whatever. The Almighty of Aloof. In reality? Me: “Oh-my-gosh-are-you-okay-are-you-having-fun-how-was-that-thing-I-made-did-you-really-like-it-oh-I-think-my-deodorant-isn’t-working-do-I-smell-does-my-hair-look-weird?”

  7. Two headlights, that’s a double win. We got pulled over for a headlight violation and then the van created a crater in the side of the road which we got stuck in and had to get towed out of.

    1. Welllllllll, it might have been my car and I miiiiight not have realized it and shrugged when he repeatedly said, that night, “Why are your lights so dim??? Aren’t they SO DIM? What’s wrong??”

      I mean, ha ha, HUSBANDS. This is why I have extra. (Husbands. Not headlights.)

    1. Jill! Thank you! I think I like this format because I love dialogue and I luuuurve white space. You feel like, as a writer, you’ve accomplished more, and as a reader you’ve…accomplished more.

      See?

      I mean.

      Just look.

  8. That cake just needs a little kale.

    Isn’t it always tempting, when the cop says “Do you know why I pulled you over?” to say something like, “You mean YOU don’t know either?” or “Because of the cocaine and guns in the trunk?” Oh, how I bet you’d all laugh and laugh.

  9. It is wrong that I listened to your last video about 100 times in rapid succession? I’m thinking of mixing that soundbite into my new rap video I’m currently working on….

    Can’t wait for your 2nd bloggapallooza post!

    And so your scale lies to you too? The bastard. May I suggest you break things off with it immediately. I threw mine in the closet last week and I never looked back.

  10. I used to get accent questions a LOT but Eastern Missouri has finally beaten a lot of my ‘native’ accent out (which, like you was an amalgam!).

  11. Did I have an OFF week? Why, yes, and I am so glad that someone finally cares that my muscles are seizing up in my left leg. The heating pad is going to fix this, I just know it. I’m blaming it on the locksmith who came to break me into my house yesterday when the kids locked me out. It was an accident (they were NOT inside laughing at me). The problem was…the guy who came was from the Ukranian mafia. He terrified my “spidy senses.” He demanded 3x as much as I was quoted on the phone. And he wanted cash. CASH!!!??? Who has that kind of cash?!?!?!? I did what any responsible adult who wanted to live could do. I wrote him a cheque. For the entire demanded amount. And when he left, I cried. (That’s when the muscle twitches started…) But I’m alive to read this post, Jules. It was so worth it.

  12. Out of curiosity, what nationality was the cashier at BB&B? Did her accent suck, ’cause that might explain a lot. Also, so you know – I am the Queen of Everything (self-appointed), which is a lot like champion of whatever. I say we should all pick a title and embrace it!!

  13. I’m the champion of weirdass stuff happening to me too this week,,,,like ummm showing up for my Dental co-op this week to find out that the dentist had sold the practice, left his wife and took off with his dental assistant!
    Must be something to do with the stars and shit……

  14. I always have a mini-panic attack when I see the lights of a police car. Even if I haven’t had a drink in a month, I know he’s instantly going to think i’m drunk. Then I always assume that someone has secured huge quantities of illegal drugs under my truck and the officer is going to quickly become aware of it…..

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