DAY 1 – BED, BATH & BEYOND – EVENING
CASHIER
Hi! How are you doing?
JULES
Good, thanks.
CASHIER
What nationality are you?
JULES
Uhhh… German, Irish. And…English…
CASHIER
Oh yeah, ’cause your accent is just great.
JULES
Thank…you.
How I Think I Sound:
How THEY Think I Sound:
DAY 2 – JULES’ CAR – NIGHT
JULES
Are those flashing lights? Are we being pulled over?
PEPPERMEISTER (HUSBAND #1)
Yes. Calm down!
POLICE OFFICER
Do you know why I pulled you over?
PEPPERMEISTER
No.
POLICE OFFICER
Both of your headlights are out. Both of them. Both…of…them. You only have one fog light on.
DAY 3 – JULES’ HOUSE – BATHROOM – MORNING
JULES
(stepping on scale)
LIES!!!!!!
JULES picks up PHONE and dials PEPPERMEISTER.
JULES (CON’T)
I need you to find kale. Like yesterday.
DAY 4 – JULES’ HOUSE – KITCHEN – LATE AFTERNOON
PEPPERMEISTER (HUSBAND #1)
My mom would like a dark chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting for her birthday.
JULES
I’m on it. I shall prepare everything from scratch, just as I’ve done since I was 9. In fact, I have the perfect recipe! I normally use it for cupcakes, but no matter! What could go wrong?
30 MINUTES LATER…
DAY 5 – JULES’ HOUSE – BEDROOM – EVENING
JULES
(cleaning)
Oh, what’s this under the side table? An old fortune! Well whatever it says, it’s going to shed some light on my life and tell me what I should do next, I just know it!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Did you have any ‘off’ experiences this week?
Pssst…next week is my 2-year blog-o-versary! I’m not even sure you’re prepared for what I have in store. Here’s a sneak peek:
Go Jules Go 
Jules,
Le Clown loves videos!! And there were two!! Danke mein Freund…
And the second one? Best damn second I’ve had all day.
I see there was text too… Could you read it on film?
Tschüß!
Le Clown
Le Clown,
De nada, and lucky for vous: I’m thinking of going all le vlogs all le time.
Wow. This German-Irish-English gal speaks some preeeeetttttty amazing Spanish and French (Spench? Franish?), no?
Le Julietta
Funny – when I go to Bed Bath and Beyond, they only ask for my zip code and political affiliation.
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THIS IS before I shall respond.
Funny – When I went to my reader and first saw this post, WP didn’t recognize me and my marginally witty comment was assigned to that glory hound, Mr. Anonymous. Now that it recognizes me, I’m left without a suitably smart alecky thing to say. Where’s the justice?
Again?!!
You certainly know how to create an aura of mystique. I know *I* was dying to know who Mr. Anonymous was.
Technically, it’s only me when it’s witty and borderline urbane. Otherwise it’s just some interloper.
But seriously, I went onto Jules’ post twice from my own reader and left comments. If it’s MY reader, one would think that the website would know it was me leaving the comment, like it had always done up until this morning, when it had a little techno-hissy fit and started behaving like a little brat.
I’m over it now…lots of deep breathing and a little time heals all wounds.
It’s also National Margarita Day and almost 5 o’clock. I’m just sayin’.
You don’t have to tell me twice! I’m already planning on sleeping in tomorrow until at least 7:00
Scandalous.
Now if THIS comment had been Anonymous, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about stealing “techno-hissy.”
Consider it a gift, I’m sure you’ll rock it.
Haven’t seen an entry from you for my contest. May I assume you’ve cooled on your adoration of my pig in a dress?
Not. At. ALL. I WANT THAT PIG. It has been BANANAS ’round these parts in the past week – this is the first time I’m responding to comments in THREE days! *hangs head in shame*
Also, my blogoversary video for tomorrow mayyyy have taken roughly 20-300 hours to put together. Shhh. I never said that. Totally effortless shenanigans, over here.
Do you mind if I “borrow” from your fortune? I think “Champion of Whatever” would be a groovy tag line. (This week I found two lost fortunes — and they both said the same thing!)
I hope the weird week ends and you are rewarded with a wonderful weekend.
No. Way. What did the two lost fortunes say?!?!
And I hope you had a faboo weekend, Debbie! I can’t complain – I got to see bloggy friends – huzzah!
Bed Bath and Beyond is a strange store for sure – I’ll probably be asked next when was the last time you had sex or something like that! Next time I head in there, I will do the 20 questions with the cashier first!
I’m thinking we’d better review our family health history before we next need to stock up on dish towels.
Was that an accent over the double-you. Double-ew? I’m having a block. How do you spell the letter double-ya. Omigosh. So funny! Can’t wait to hear the hi jinx you have up your sleeve. You truly are the Champion of Whatever. Don’t forget the accent.
Wait, maybe it’s just a little kale. 😉
Champion of Whatever, Specializing in: Eh., Minor in: Was That Today?
I have a heart attack every time I see a cop car on the road. I almost die when I am pulled over. Looking forward to you blogiversary! Wow is right!
Sus, you don’t strike me as the type of blogger to get pulled over often. Are the Colorado po-po after you?! Do they suspect you harbor illegal hot air ballooners??
No! You’re right! I think I must have been a Chicago gangster in a past life…
Things are about to get way weirder, Jules. Way. Weirder. More. Weird.
I would like a second helping of weird, please, and by that I mean custom champagne glasses, frittata and Amish bacon, obviously.
Your flopped cake looks like EVERY cake I make! I would have still eaten it with gobs of cream cheese frosting!
Sprinkles! I really, really never thought I’d botch something SO FAR beyond repair that even cream cheese icing couldn’t make it right. (I DID make a trifle out of it, though, by crumbling it up with whipped cream and strawberries… Peppermeister’s eating it RIGHT. NOW. TMI?)
Oh boy. Not sure what this portends for tomorrow. Should I be worried? I might be a little worried.
And finally! I always wondered who the Champion of Whatever was. And now I finally discover that it is YOU. No matter how much I strive, or continue with my rigorous training, I can only seem to be the 2nd or 3rd greatest at Whatever. I bow to you, oh master!
Sometimes I really wish I could be the Champion of Whatever. The Almighty of Aloof. In reality? Me: “Oh-my-gosh-are-you-okay-are-you-having-fun-how-was-that-thing-I-made-did-you-really-like-it-oh-I-think-my-deodorant-isn’t-working-do-I-smell-does-my-hair-look-weird?”
The Bed, Bath and Beyond is Byfar the weirdest.
And they skimp on the 20% off coupons now.
Signed,
Bitter, Baffled and Bothered
Two headlights, that’s a double win. We got pulled over for a headlight violation and then the van created a crater in the side of the road which we got stuck in and had to get towed out of.
Oh holy sh*t. Please tell me you at least got a blog post out of that?
No I didn’t. I should write it up, eh?
How did he NOT know both headlights were out? That’s hilarious.
Welllllllll, it might have been my car and I miiiiight not have realized it and shrugged when he repeatedly said, that night, “Why are your lights so dim??? Aren’t they SO DIM? What’s wrong??”
I mean, ha ha, HUSBANDS. This is why I have extra. (Husbands. Not headlights.)
One spouse is enough. I couldn’t imagine more than that. Good luck…
A cashier at Target once asked me why white people love sunflower seeds so much. I still don’t know.
you should of answered,,,I don’t know,,why do black people like fried chicken so much??
HA! Oh, this made me HOWL. I like to picture that you WEREN’T actually buying sunflower seeds. Wait. …Were you NOT buying sunflower seeds???
I was buying sunflower seeds, but your scenario would have been funnier.
YES! Champion of Whatever will be my inspiration for the weekend. Thanks for having a weird week and lending me this mantra, Jules! 😉
I hope you had a very ‘meh’ weekend, Dana. Or you know, whatever.
Love this post! I’m always writing sitcom scene posts and I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Jill! Thank you! I think I like this format because I love dialogue and I luuuurve white space. You feel like, as a writer, you’ve accomplished more, and as a reader you’ve…accomplished more.
See?
I mean.
Just look.
Lol white space is great.
That cake just needs a little kale.
Isn’t it always tempting, when the cop says “Do you know why I pulled you over?” to say something like, “You mean YOU don’t know either?” or “Because of the cocaine and guns in the trunk?” Oh, how I bet you’d all laugh and laugh.
Who said anything about cocaine and guns in the trunk? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT COCAINE AND GUNS IN THE TRUNK?
I mean, ha ha, forgive me, would you like some green smoothie?
All Hail the Champion of Whatever! (omg … what-ev-ah?!)
Yeah… Three cheers for… what were we talking about again?
Hahaha. No clue.
It is wrong that I listened to your last video about 100 times in rapid succession? I’m thinking of mixing that soundbite into my new rap video I’m currently working on….
Can’t wait for your 2nd bloggapallooza post!
And so your scale lies to you too? The bastard. May I suggest you break things off with it immediately. I threw mine in the closet last week and I never looked back.
I used to get accent questions a LOT but Eastern Missouri has finally beaten a lot of my ‘native’ accent out (which, like you was an amalgam!).
Did I have an OFF week? Why, yes, and I am so glad that someone finally cares that my muscles are seizing up in my left leg. The heating pad is going to fix this, I just know it. I’m blaming it on the locksmith who came to break me into my house yesterday when the kids locked me out. It was an accident (they were NOT inside laughing at me). The problem was…the guy who came was from the Ukranian mafia. He terrified my “spidy senses.” He demanded 3x as much as I was quoted on the phone. And he wanted cash. CASH!!!??? Who has that kind of cash?!?!?!? I did what any responsible adult who wanted to live could do. I wrote him a cheque. For the entire demanded amount. And when he left, I cried. (That’s when the muscle twitches started…) But I’m alive to read this post, Jules. It was so worth it.
I laughed, I cried…that blogaversary sneak peak video should win the freakin’ ACADEMY AWARD!!!! (sorry your week was so weird. Vilcomen)
By the way, I first read your title as “Scenes from a Weird Ass Cheek” and I wondered….yeah.
That desert thing made me want meatloaf. I don’t think that is a good sign.
You are the sexiest reader. I wish I could read sexily. Tips?
How can so much weirdness happen to one person in just ONE week? Craziness!
my week was exactly likes yours, except we have only one headlight out
Out of curiosity, what nationality was the cashier at BB&B? Did her accent suck, ’cause that might explain a lot. Also, so you know – I am the Queen of Everything (self-appointed), which is a lot like champion of whatever. I say we should all pick a title and embrace it!!
I have a feeling that the writer of the fortune cookie fortune was having a weird-ass week, too, when he wrote that! The champion of… oh, you know, whatever.
I’m the champion of weirdass stuff happening to me too this week,,,,like ummm showing up for my Dental co-op this week to find out that the dentist had sold the practice, left his wife and took off with his dental assistant!
Must be something to do with the stars and shit……
I can’t wait until the blogoversary! I am riveted… so much, in fact that I watched the video twice.
I always have a mini-panic attack when I see the lights of a police car. Even if I haven’t had a drink in a month, I know he’s instantly going to think i’m drunk. Then I always assume that someone has secured huge quantities of illegal drugs under my truck and the officer is going to quickly become aware of it…..
I’m always amazed when people will mention an accent that they perceive you to have. I’m always amazed at people. I should have just stopped there.
Um. I think I was tricked into clicking that last video for AIU. It was funny though so maybe the joke’s on you. Top ‘O the Day To Ya! ~ Dee
I too am German – Irish! But I have never had to tell someone that when purchasing bathroom supplies… Happy Blog-anniversary!
I really need to drop by more often, Jules; your site is kck-ass!