I’ve never really understood dumb blonde jokes.
Hey! Why are you laughing?
Okay, fine. There was that time I played a trivia game with friends and thought Interpol was only the name of a band, not the International Criminal Police Organization.
And that time I got Joshua Jackson’s autograph and told him how to spell Julie.
And that time I brought a baby shower gift to a wedding shower.
And maybe something similar happened this week.
You might recall I recently started a new position at my company (Big Pharma, Inc.), developing training. I’m pretty sure my dog, Uncle Jesse, got me the job – he was part of the Sudoku lesson I had to put together during the intense interview process.
My new group is creative, fun and hilarious. I’m finally among colleagues who appreciate my memes!
This team of 13 celebrates everything. On my first day in the new office, it was No Diet Monday, and my manager brought cheesecake for breakfast. She decorated my new cubicle, too. “I think I’m gonna like it here,” I thought.
For the past two weeks, they’ve been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for two of the women in the group. A difficult task, since people work from home a lot.
The first Monday, I made cookies. The birthday girls didn’t show. This Monday, I made tortilla roll-ups, and one woman didn’t show.
“Well, as long as Laura comes in, we’ll still have the party,” everyone kept saying.
Later that morning, I popped my head next door to say hi to my cool, spirited cubicle neighbor. We’d only spoken a couple of times, but had bonded right away.
“Hi! Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?” she had blurted when she’d first shook my hand.
I had blinked back my surprise and laughed, dying to know where this conversation would go. She had had a point, eventually.
That Monday morning, I repeated the refrain of the day, “As long as Laura shows up, we’re still having the birthday party!”
She smiled and said, “Okay!” and we started talking about wine. Because of course.
At noon, we all hid in a nearby conference room and set up the food. In walked my cubicle neighbor, and everyone clapped and sang “Happy Birthday.”
I sang along merrily.
“Do you know what you said to me this morning?” the birthday girl asked loudly. I was sure she was going to regale the group with some amusing tidbit I’d dropped, letting all of my new coworkers see how charming and funny I could be, even unawares.
“No,” I replied, grinning.
“You said, ‘As long as Laura shows up, we’ll still have the party’! I thought you didn’t know who I was!”
Yes. That’s right. I told Laura we’d still have the party as long as Laura showed up. Then I sang “Happy Birthday” to Laura, forgetting I’d talked to Laura at all.
Sigh.
I distracted my colleagues with stories of Uncle Jesse and the beautiful chickens down the road. Later that day, Laura sent a thank you e-mail to everyone. I replied with this:
Dear Whoever You Are:
Sincerely,
Uncle Jesse’s caretaker
Any embarrassing work stories to share? Blonde moments?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
I know you asked for embarrassing work stories, but I am completely transfixed by cheesecake for breakfast that I can think of little else.
You and me both, sister. I haven’t gotten a lick of work done since then.
This is hilarious! And I love that Laura just played along with it!
You say hilarious, I say please leave me be, I’m never coming out from under this rock again. 😉
I’ve got my eye on Laura.
I have brunette tinged with grey moments all the time and I am a neurosurgeon (guess which thing is a lie in that sentence)
You know us blondes don’t understand sarcasm, right Doc?
ha ha ha
Haha! The chicken email was the perfect touch. Just play the whole thing off like it was a prank on the birthday girl. You knew she was Laura the entire time. Really. You totally did.
And, also, you have been touched by the hand of Pacey Witter?! You certainly lead a charmed life.
Totally. Totally. Where am I again…? Who are you…? Oh well, good thing I only have to know my own name. I can even spell it, too! Just ask Pacey!
But I still need to know . . . HAVE you seen Finding Nemo? God, Jules . . . enough with the cliffhangers already!
You are such a wonderful blonde. Don’t ever change. And don’t ever leave that job . . . cheesecake for breakfast? Yes, please. Are they hiring? I can play the part of second employee that doesn’t show up for her surprise party . . .
Ha ha ha Misty, have I ever told you you leave the best comments? And that’s not just the dumb blonde in me talking.
NO, I HAVEN’T seen Finding Nemo, to which Laura replied, “What’s wrong with you?!” Yes, the second thing my new coworker said to me was, “What’s wrong with you?” But she also said I was pretty in the same breath, so I’m letting it slide. (Peppermeister told me I couldn’t include that part in this post because it sounded snobby. I think I’m going to bold it here in the comments section.)
You need to see Finding Nemo. It’s the shizz. Watch it with Uncle Jesse.
There’s a sequel coming out soon, Finding Dory. (too bad it wasn’t Finding Darla…who coincidentally is an actual character in the movie Finding Nemo)
Oh man, that’s right. She was the evil fish killer, right? Finding Darla would be a great straight to video type sequel (in line with Lion King 1 1/2), to see where she ended up once she was all grown up all these years later. Is she a dentist now? A marine biologist? A serial killer? Someone get me Pixar on the phone, stat!
Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Watch Finding Nemo. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be changed forever. It will be your next blog post for Thoughtsy. Uncle Jesse will like it, too.
i love no diet monday!! but i’d prefer it to be wednesday, since i work with no diet friday, saturday and sunday. okay, laura? can you make that happen?
Laura says she can make it happen, but it will cost you one extraordinary chicken.
I ruined the surprise engagement party I’d exhaustively planned for post-proposal. We were driving back from cross-country skiing (that’s where you propose in Oregon) on our way to “pop by my parents’ house for a second’ where a swarm of friends and relatives were waiting. She said, “Wow, I’m just so overwhelmed, I want to go somewhere, just the two of us, and let this all sink in. I don’t think I even want to talk to anyone about it yet. Why are you holding my hand so hard?” “Um. So. What probably DOESN’T sound good, then…”
Ha! I’m picturing you proposing by placing a handmade evergreen branch-hemp crown on her head and presenting a two-person kayak.
Blond moments. . .let’s see. . .
Once I didn’t put my car in park while getting gas. A knight in shining armor jumped into the car as it rolled away.
Then there was that time I hit a drunk guy.
I shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
You hit a drunk guy?! I’d better be careful tomorrow… (And I will get this story out of you.)
After winning top sales person at my job one year, the big, big, Big boss came up to me during the celebratory dinner to congratulate me. He shook my hand and said, “Congratulations for an amazing year”. To which I answered, “Congratulations to you too!”, instead of…thank you. He gave me a funny look and I wanted to crawl under the table. And I’m a brunette! 🙂
Ha ha! I’ve totally done the inappropriate “you too!” thing. Have you ever seen Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up bit about that? It’s hysterical. He talks about going to the movies and when the ticket-taker says, “Enjoy the show!” how you JUST CAN’T HELP saying, “You too!”
Oh no! So embarrassing BUT…it’s funny now. 😆
And just think, I can save money on make-up. I don’t need to buy blush!
A year from now you’ll really be laughing about this. Despite the embarrassment it is too funny. My one blonde story is when I asked my ex-husband if he would like me better if I was blonde. He replied that he wouldn’t like me any less.
Ha! Ba-da-BUM! Excellent reply, Mr. Mad Queen.
Having a blog does make you get to the ‘okay, okay, that WAS funny’ head space a lot faster…
I wish my co-workers were fun. This may be the most boring office ever.
That’s what you think, meanwhile they’ve been making a documentary out of your office for the past 9 years.
I’m not worried then. I’ve only been here four months.
This is the perfect job for you! I’m so glad it’s awesome. My embarrassing work moment was when I muted the entire sound board while the band was playing the walkout music. I meant to just switch to the other computer. The buttons don’t look anything alike. . .one button vs. four buttons, white vs, red, 1/2 inch vs. two inches. . . though I did notice it when all the sound went away.
Embarrassing non-work moment was when I managed to lock myself out of my car while it was running. This is one of those things they have fixed in later years of car design. Like adding seatbelts.
Oooooopsssss. Well, heyyyy, at least you caught it then, right??
I can’t stop thinking about the comment thread on B Man’s blog w/ the towel / jeans. Mom Blonde Moments.
Hey, JM. You’re Freshly Pressed! Whoo, hoo. Congratulations.
Ack! Peggles! I was LITERALLY leaving this same comment on B Man’s blog to you, B Man and JM (in that ‘NOOO’ comment thread)!
It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all (pretend you’re on a ride at Disney World). How I found out is I just learned Lisa’s guest post at Thoughtsy’s blog was FPd yesterday so I went to the FP page to check it out. A guest post – how surreal is that? It’s wonderful, but Thoughtsy’s going to get all the stats and readers.
Yes, I heard about that from Darla (she keeps me in the FP’d loop – that’s how I heard about JM!), and I had NO idea they FP’d guest posts!
They (WordPRess) probably breezed right through the guest post verbage at the beginning. And Lisa did the same movie as Miss Darlypants – ALSO Breakfast Club!
It sounds like you fit in just fine there! I’m the youngest person in my office (mentally and physically) so it’s a little awkward at times!!
I have a blonde moment a day. Actually, more than one. So I can’t really think of one of the top of my head. But I’m pretty sure my post “This can’t be happening” counts…. (Spoiler: I ripped off half my eyebrow….)
You know, 1.5 eyebrows are all anyone needs, really.
I used to always be the youngest at my office, and let me tell you, it’s a rude awakening when you suddenly realize that that’s no longer the case and now your manager is your age. …I’d probably have a better shot at a promotion if I stopped being so blonde 😉
Just the either day I looked at my son’s coach’s wife and said “Oh, no! You’re eye is swollen! What happened?” To which she replied. “I have a lazy eye.” I was trapped in a corner of the room and couldn’t escape. I wanted to die right then and there.
Oh nooooo. But seriously. I would have made the same mistake. Was it swollen AND she had a lazy eye? I don’t understand how a lazy eye could look swollen. …Because I don’t understand anything. Because I’m blonde. 😉 <—That's not a winky face. The left eye is lazy and/or swollen.
Well, she did say that she was incredibly tired. But apparently, her lazy eye swells. Or it was swollen and NOW who looks like a fool? Huh? Who? She probably went home and looked in the mirror and thought: “Wow, my lazy eye is swollen. It’s swollen and it’s lazy.” Then she felt bad because I made a genuinely concerned remark and she turned it into something personal. I hope she feels good about herself now. As for me, I never noticed her eye before the other night. Lazy or not.
Oh my gosh! That sounds like something I would do. It all sounds strangely familiar…..
In helps to know I’m not alone. Who are you again?
No worries- sounds like your fun new group is just a series of blond moments waiting to happen! Can I come work there? (cheesecake…it’s what for breakfast)
Yes, we need a Peggles in the office! We’ll turn one of the empty cubicles into a Peep pop-up shop.
I have blonde moments all the time! I’m just too blonde to remember them though…oh yes there was that one time…erm…hang on…it was SO funny, I know it was…pretty sure anyway…something happened…ooh um…what’s that thing that happened? Anyway, trust me, it was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S.
Oh MAN I had the best reply to this comment and then…erm…hang on…wait. I just had it…
Hahahahaha! I’ve ruined lots of birthday parties. When there are HAPPY surprises I just can’t contain myself! Meanwhile, you KNOW I gave away 10K of gold, right? So there’s that. I wasn’t even blonde back then. 😉
My inner blonde bows down to you for that epic #SoWrong / blonde moment.
Oh my GOD this was so funny, JD. See, this is why you and I get along so well. (also, EVERY day is ‘No Diet Day’)
My blonde moment (and I used to be blonde so it totally counts):
My co-worker at the elementary school where I worked was excited and rambling on about this cute little puppy she had bought for her teenage daughter for her birthday. Apparently, I wasn’t fully paying attention because after school was over, that daughter swung by our classroom to meet up her mom. We were all standing there chatting and I blurted: “So! I heard you have new little puppy! Did you name her yet?” and my co-worker’s face dropped. She glared at me and said, “She didn’t KNOW about the puppy. Until now. It was supposed to be a surprise!”
Um….oops?
ha ha ha ha ha ha DP! That is GREAT! That actually makes me feel better, too. Did she hold a grudge? (How can you hold a grudge when you’re holding a puppy?)
I don’t understand blonde jokes either. I used to be a blonde and then my DNA decided to move to some darker flavor, so I have all the bad traits of both colors.
Why am I in the dark (pun intended) about brunette bad traits? Will you enlighten me?
I would have endarken(made up word intended) you about the bad traits. We aren’t hot like blonds. We aren’t rare like blondes. We stay home and Saturday nights all alone (with our families).
My eternal work goof remains the first time I survived a regional visit by the big wigs. I was crammed into a tiny little stockroom, supposed to be discussing how I coached my team members, and I’m surrounded by my boss, her boss, her boss’s boss, two district merchants, and two HR managers. This was in about 3 feet of space. Apparently the Regional VP (boss’s boss’s boss) was impressed with me and all I’d accomplished, so he asked “Where did you come from?” I was so nervous and frazzled, I answered the first thing that came into my head: “Planet Earth?” Yah, not blonde, but definitely a Nerd Alert.
*gasp* If that didn’t endear you to the VP, well, he’s not from Planet Earth.
Someone once accidentally passed me my own going away card as I was leaving one of my all-time favorite jobs. I wished myself the best of luck and drew a smiley face. People who thrived on surprises were not amused, but I didn’t see the problem, since everyone knew I was leaving. I have a better one, but it entails far too much explanation to describe here.
Ha! Oh Dave. …Are you sure it wasn’t me [who passed you the card]?
I would’ve remembered that ‘stache.
Hahaha you told him how to spell Julie – I love it! Diets are stupid unless you’re using the word to describe the foods you generally eat, like cheesecake…I know the names of about half my co-workers. I’ve worked there for eight years. I’m not even sure how that happens – it’s a relatively small office. I have other strengths. Kind of…Please watch Finding Nemo.
I found Nemo! He’s in Comcast OnDemand! I am going to right at least one wrong this week if it kills me.
I think we should just number our coworkers. That’s hard, too. Maybe nicknames based on appearance? “Nose Hair Ned” “Combover Carl” etc.
Hooray! Personally I think everyone at work should have to wear a name badge, except you and me of course. Totally works right?
Damn son, damn!
Lol Jules. That is awesome. Also so happy for you that you found such a cool group of people – at work! …of all places.
Lucky Laura! (who is Joshua Jackson? Never heard of him)
This isn’t a work one, but I nearly messed up a surprise baby shower last weekend by forgetting that people on twitter I know in real life can actually SEE ME. Moron.
I really must blog about that….
You mean that job I didn’t get because I wanted it so bad I cried…in the job interview…with the president of the company…who happened to run a garbage disposal business? Yah. That was me.
No wonder I’m underemployed…no one seems to think random tears can come in handy!? Losers. Someone needs me in their accounts payable department and just hasn’t considered all this talent right here. Sniff. Anyone…?
I ran into a former client while I was out with a friend for her bachelorette party and I had partaken of the vino…there was 80’s music and dancing and…he saw it all. Then he mentioned it at our next meeting in front of my boss.
But it was ok, because he totally inappropriately hit on me later so HE looked like the jerk.
All I can think about how is doing Finding Nemo for Movies Teach Us.
I have LOTs of embarassing work stories, but I think my favorite for this purpose would be the time I super glued my hands together trying to open the super glue (incorrectly) to be able to super glue my shoes back together. My shoes, did not get fixed. The super glue got thrown away. And my hands had to be vigorously scrubbed for 15 minutes.
You don’t have to be blonde to have those moments. Since my stroke, I have to watch as my memory can be very spotty and I am very likely to say or do something I may forget, but regret anyway.
Scott
I wore those gorgeous glasses at my wedding and Uncle Jesse is my hero. I’m pretty sure I’ve just found a blog that I will read a lot.