I Got “Spanked!” With My Mom

Once upon a time, my mom, Babs, sent this email to my sister and me (click to enlarge):

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

After you get over Babs’ adorable italics, you’re probably feeling appalled. Or at the very least, wary. But that’s a perfectly good waste of emotional energy. You should consider saving your disgust for things like global warming. Or cicadas.

Cicadas in NJ. Even grosser than that one scene in 50 Shades. You know the one I'm talking about.

Cicadas in NJ. Right. Now. Even grosser than that one scene in 50 Shades. You know the one I’m talking about.

Oh yes. I’ve read 50 Shades of Grey, and the only thing I’m ashamed of is not Jules-Shadesmaking it through more than half of the trilogy before growing tired of Christian and Ana’s antics (or, rather, the author using ten words when only one was needed [usually “Ouch!”]).

In other words, I was totally game for the blogging potential Spank!

If you think a 50 Shades of Grey theatrical parody might go over well with the more, ah, age-advanced female crowd, you’re right. It was part musical, part striptease, part insanely impressive revenue-generator, thanks to the 50 Shades year old contingent.

Spank-Babs-Jules

Babs. A woman so nice, they named her in, um, italics.

There were only 3 cast members (to which I attribute much of its money-making potential): The author and the male and female leads. The author stood in as a couple of other characters, but mostly narrated the play as the dramatically under-sexed E.L. James.

The actor playing Christian was an understudy with vocal and guitar chops that only his abs could rival. Babs and my sister weren’t as impressed with the actress playing Ana, but I think they’re being unfair. A character so complex and riveting, well, even Meryl Streep would have struggled.

What is the meaning of this "no"?

What is the meaning of this “no”?

They had some audience interaction, wine with straws, and, all in all, a pretty funny script.

The only fail of the night was when my sister and I heard the word, “No.” We desperately wanted a picture with the woman selling t-shirts, because her shirt was one-of-a-kind, and also because there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you chipmunks. She politely declined, embarrassed.

So I thought I’d recreate the t-shirt here. You’re welcome.

Jules-50-Shades

Do you have a favorite play? Anything you want to get off your chest? Like how many times you’ve really read 50 Shades?

~*~*~*~*~*~

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63 responses to “I Got “Spanked!” With My Mom

  1. It was a sparkly, pretty-place kind of night.. (Imagine that in italics) My favorite way to get an abs work-out and my make-up ruined, Laughter, I meant through laughter.

    • It was. You might even call it a cookie kind of night. Thanks for the spank, Babs. #ToughLove

    • I can’t believe you took your daughters to that, Babs. I need some tutoring if I’m ever going to make the transition from “Hitler-in-drag-disciplinarian” to “cool MOm.” Help me!

      • Oh, Pegs. I’m sure you’re already a cool mom. You’re funny and that’s a great start. And if they’re adults, they don’t need disciplining anymore – head to drinking + the laughter and it just flows from there. And you’re more than welcomed to join us on our next debauchery-filled escapade!

  2. I actually haven’t read 50 Shades of Gray, not for any particular reason, I’ve just not got around to it, I expect I will eventually! Phew, glad I got that off my chest…

  3. Jules,
    I once saw The Book of Mormon, and…
    It’s a crock of poop. But I’d really like to see it, though. Does that count for anything?
    Le Clown

    • Really??? I’m dying to see Book of Mormon; I’d only heard good things until now!

      I’d love to read your review of Spank! They’re on tour – maybe they’ll be stopping in your neck of le woods?

      • Jules,
        Let me rephrase this, as it absolutely did not come through the way it was intended… I once saw The Book of Mormon. False (my statement about seeing it was a crock of poop). I am a big fan of both Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and hope to see it one day.

        You know your joke failed when you need another paragraph to explain it.
        Le Clown

    • The Book of Mormon was pretty hilarious. The only thing better than the play was watching the stunned expressions on the faces of the hoity toity opera house season ticket holders who had know idea what they were in for. Such vulgarity in the face of society’s elite is epic good fun! Spank on the other hand….no thank you. It’s probably fun with a Babs, but not everyone has one of those.

      • Babs is a hot commodity. She tried to get me tickets to Book of Mormon a couple of times. She’s a cheapskate. I don’t think $400/ticket is too much to ask when you’re her favorite child.

  4. Jules! I went to SPANK with 2 girlfriends (luckily my mom was out of town) a couple of months ago. We had some good laughs – wine and the milk, dark or white chocolate covered penis lollipops they were selling, helped! Except for we were disgusted not by the content of the show but by the threesome (one guy and two girls…of course) in front of us groping each other and sensually eating their lollipops. Ay! 🙂

  5. I haven’t read 50 Shades. And to be honest, I don’t have any desire to. Partly because I’m a prude, partly because of all the ungodly hype, partly because I’m too in love with your blog and John Grisham to read anything else. 🙂

  6. See, this is where having expert ninja photography skills would have come in handy. Serves you right for going to an event as a “family” without your mother’s FAVORITE daughter. I think you deserve a spanking for that. 😉

    • Oh you and Babs would have been unstoppable! As soon as she heard we failed at getting a picture, it took brute strength and promises of booze to pull her away from the direction of the t-shirt table. (The woman in question was really uncomfortable – clearly didn’t want to be in the t-shirt in the first place. We figured we’d better not push our luck.)

  7. I’d pay to see Meryl Streep play Ana. I’m sure it’d be crapballs. (isn’t that a common word EL James uses?) I haven’t read a single word of those books, well except for Speaker’s recraps. But I have a feeling I’d enjoy the play, especially if I could go with you and Babs.

  8. You didn’t purchase the ACTUAL (sorry — couldn’t figure out italics) T-shirt? For shame!

    • I knowwwwww. The “CHIEF SPANKER” was one of a kind, though! Only the woman selling t-shirts had one! Then again, I do have experience ironing logos on fabric (I mayyyy have done that for a blog giveaway contest… ha!)…

  9. I hear so much about the cicadas, and yet, I rarely see them. Supposedly they were going to overrun my area. Nope. Back in 2003, they were also supposed to be all over the place. I barely noticed them.

    • My understanding is that if you haven’t seen them in past years, you probably won’t. They live in ‘pockets’ – you could be a couple blocks over from people who have them, and not have any. Thank gawd. Because Babs and my sister are living in cicada stew, and I’ve been spared out in Country Lite (west Jersey)! We have stink bugs instead. Merp.

  10. I don’t know – live theater. Sounds a little too posh and upscale for me. T-shirt vendors? So swanky!

    And Meryl Streep could probably knock that part out of the park.

  11. I am sad to comment on this GREAT blog. And sad to say last September on one of two flights out to NM, the first I was in between two much older ladies (like between 65-75) BOTH reading 50 shades. The next flight I RAN and bought my copy. Read thru I know the first 4 chapters like lightening. Got to NM….where was my book? Left it on the plane. I got SPANKED. AND SOMEONE ELSE GOT LUCKY.

  12. I too couldn’t make it through to the book. I think I got like 40 pages in and was bored. Not my cup of tea I guess. =) I once saw a Hunger Games parody at a Fringe Festival which was amazing!

    • Oh man, that sounds AWESOME!! I never read Hunger Games, so had no expectations going to see the movie, and I was totally blown away – I saw it twice in the theatre!

  13. Haven’t read 50 Shades but feel as if I have because you can’t escape all the hype. However–any event you can go to and drink wine out of a straw has to be a fine affair!

  14. Oh Jules…. do you have any openings in your family for another sister? You and your mom (you call her Babs, which is awesome! I call my mom Dot because it pisses her off) and your sister are great. Paint me jealous of you and your family.

    • Yes! You can take my sister’s place! I think she’ll be in rehab soon, and / or she’ll run off with the bartender from NJPAC (the theater – the part I left out of the story was that he gave her free drinks!).

      My grandmother’s name was Dot. You HAVE to use that nickname when the opportunity arises.

      • Well, I will be a Monkey’s Uncle (or Uncle Jesse’s aunt) because I have no plans to enter rehab or run away with a bartender for the next… well… ever. Dot has been born. She’s alive! God help us all, she’s alive!

  15. I have never even touched one of these books. Is there something wrong with me?

    I am always down for drinking wine with a straw, though.

  16. Lol. I had no idea that was a thing but I would have loved to have seen that with you and Babs and sister. And yes, I read 50 Shades but I decided to stop after the first one because (spoilers) I like them broken up. Stupid characters. Still would’ve given the live performance a shot though. 😉

  17. 50 Shade readings = 0
    Favorite play = Play-doh

  18. I think the character Ana could be only portrayed by a used tissue or a piece of dog crap stuck to a shoe.

  19. I know I am the only woman over the age of 30 who has not read that book. I go back and forth between not wanting to support such drivel financially, and realizing that this makes me even more (pop) culturally illiterate than I was.

    But if I had the chance to go see the play with you three (assuming Babs was paying for MY drinks and parking as well), no force on this earth would keep me away.

  20. Wow. I’m both disgusted and jealous. Mostly impressed.

  21. Cicadas like that show up in Kentucky, and I am so removing my own head! I am a total bug woos!

    Now…as for those books, I may have to channel my inner…I have no idea what…and read one.

  22. So when I come to NYC this summer do I need to see this play? ANd will those giant cicadas be gone? Why don’t we have those here? Not that I’m complaining, but that’s weird. Was it time for them? Or did SuperStorm Sandy somehow waken them? Yuck!

  23. When I heard that my mom had read the trilogy and before me nonetheless, a part of me died inside. However, I can see the entertainment value in this outing. I LOVE that you tried to get a picture of the t-shirt lady and that you created a sterling replica when she would not co-operate, this shows a strong commitment to your readers 🙂

  24. Thank you for recreating the shirt for us – your enthusiastic expression only makes it better! I’ve never read 50 Shades but I think I (perhaps unfairly) lumped it in with Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and whatever else people are reading, so I passed, and then when I heard all of the “glowing reviews” I decided to pass for sure 😉 as for plays – my ultimate favourite is Phantom of the Opera, which I guess is more of a broadway musical but I have loved it since I was little! I saw it for the first time when I was 10, have seen it since, and would see it again 🙂 but then again I am just a sucker for musicals in general and that scene at the beginning with the chandelier gets me every time 😉

  25. I will admit to buying the first installment, beginning it with some trepidation, reading about 100 pages with interest, then, putting it away and I haven’t looked at it in over 2 months. Bored? Yes, kinda…
    Scott

  26. Oh Jeebus, that sounds even better than Puppetry of the Penis. For which I had front row seats.

  27. Funny for you to say that you lost interest in 50 Shades. I too lost interest. Actually bought all 3 books at one time and never got through the 2nd one. Everyone else thinks I lie. But it got boring.

  28. Oh good lord. Hilarious. I LOVE you. I can’t imagine anything my Mom would be less likely to attend. She thinks passionate kissing in a book is ‘off-colour’. It’s her fault entirely that I feel awkward reading about anything even remotely intimate in a novel. (50 shades is therefore not on my reading list, but I love your take.)
    I’ll be back for more laughs.

  29. Pingback: You Did What with a Toothpick? | Go Jules Go

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