Booze, humor, Kvetching

5 Stages of Exercise Grief

Now that I’m living life with a Fitbit (a.k.a. the pedometer on crack), I feel I owe you some dieting advice and exercise tips.

It'll only cost you $100 and your soul.
It’ll only cost you $100 and your soul.

For example, did you know either 8 shots of vodka or a bottle of champagne is a perfectly valid meal substitute, calorically speaking?

And you don't even have to chew!
And you don’t even have to chew!

As for exercise, just take a gander at my personal trainer:


Isn’t he magnificent? I call him Tadd, with two D’s, because he looks like he inspired every DoubleMint commercial ever made.


Tadd leads my 8-Minute video work-outs, and is very beautiful and nice. Tadd reminds me to “keep smiling, gang! After all, it’s only 8 goddamn minutes!”

There are four DVDs in here. You do the math.
There are four DVDs in here. Tadd’s not very good at math.

Despite Tadd’s belief in the power of tomato cans as handheld weights and unitards as a general life choice, I leave him feeling less than optimistic.

Sure, my buns are burning up, Tadd, but so is my will to live.

5 Stages of Exercise Grief

Slide2 Slide3 Slide4 Slide5


What’s your least favorite exercise? 


116 thoughts on “5 Stages of Exercise Grief”

    1. Oh, god. Have you ever been subjected to that gym beast that’s like a nonstop escalator? The first time I saw it was like how Harry Potter felt when Voldemort killed (spoiler alert!) Sirius Black.

  1. I hate mt climbers/ floor sprints. I’ve been doing t25 for a month now and highly recommend it. 25 min a day. Pretty big calorie burn for only 25 minutes. I’ll earn you at least one drink a day!

  2. You’re kidding, right? I don’t have a favorite exercise, so how could I have a least favorite? Btw, as a counselor, I’ve added a stage to the grief model. I think you are really on the other side when you go beyond acceptance to hope. Have you begun hoping to drink again?

  3. Nice unit on Tadd. Strategically spaced stripe helps, eh? I ran a marathon years ago but now I hate running, especially on a treadmill. I was doing these workouts that would intersperse weight trainjng and 3 minute sessions on a treadmill. Would throw 12 lb dumbbells at my toes so I wouldn’t have to do them

    1. His fashion choices are truly mesmerizing. It’s almost enough to distract me from the fact that I’m exercising.

      There comes a point, I think, where you step back (no pun intended) and ask, “Just how much am I going to hurt myself before these feelings of vanity wear off?” …I’ve already lost 3 toenails from hiking. I think I’m getting close to quitting. But that’s just ’cause it’s still sandal season.

          1. Seriously, I have fit and sold everything from rock-shoes to ski-boots. And of course everything in between. Your dream can be a reality. Let me know if you need any footwear advice.

    1. I’m totally with you. It’s the worst animation/special effects I’ve ever seen, but I’m totally with you.

      I love watching the girl on the left – she has to keep smiling, and you can see her stretching out her jaw every now and then. I would give anything to know what happens when the camera stops rolling.

    1. I just had to Google image search that. Your body is a temple. That’s why you should stop this Burpee nonsense and remain still while people put gifts at your feet.

    1. HA. YES. Same where I work, and I usually have a crap-ton of stuff with me. Dang Fitbit doesn’t have ‘mountain goat your way out of the car’ on its activity list…

  4. I’ve been trying to get my daughter to run one mile with me. One stinking mile! You’d think I was asking her to forsake the Disney Channel! Maybe I can sell this gadget as a cool new toy.

    Tadd looks to be of dubious sexual orientation. He might be more interested in the Peppermeister.

    1. Never fear, Lilykins! I neglected to mention last year that the magical act of putting on a slap bracelet burns infinity calories.

      Actually, don’t tell me you don’t exercise. I’ll fill my ‘stache with tears. You look amazing.

      1. Slap bracelets to the rescue!
        You’re too kind, but I do not. I mean, from a distance it’s not so bad. But my middle needs some major work. (Curse love handles) Too bad I love food so much. 😀

  5. “Anger” is my favorite stage – but I’m usually in denial. I think about exercising so much that by the time I’m doing it I’m already exhausted.

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE running stairs, because I notice a difference in my shape when I do it. However, my neighborhood is as flat as grapefruit juice without vodka, so my least favorite exercise is running or walking in boring places. I’d much rather hike.

    I also despise any type of ab workout. Maybe I should try wearing a striped unitard to put me in the ab workout spirit.

    1. “…as flat as grapefruit juice without vodka.”

      Ha! I have developed a newfound appreciation for hills this summer, just because you really do see a difference very quickly. And I have to say – Tadd isn’t just spandex and stripes – he’s a man of his word. I can carry so many more bottles of champagne from the car to the kitchen without sweating now.

    2. Who else wants to lynch the cute skinny girl???!!!!!! Me me me me!!!! Lol.

      We have mega hills where I live. While flat is definitely boring, I think I’d take it over giant hills.

  6. Does sex with my wife count as exercise? Haha, I kid! I love that workout from what I remember.

    I hate anything that requires me to lift something like a bench press. My brain likes to tell me to just drop it on my throat and be done with it so it’s a struggle both mentally and physically. Oh, and running. I’ve been doing it, but I hate it.

  7. Why is Tadd dressed like a skimpy Beetlejuice?

    Lunges are the worst exercise ever. I would say pushups, but I’m not sure I can do those anymore. Or any yoga pose that makes me feel like the most unflexible person ever.

    1. HA! YES. It’s like one of those trampy Halloween costumes for men – “Sexy Beetlejuice”!

      YUP. If I had to say, it would be lunges. They make me feel like I have the knees of an 80-year-old. I’m probably doing them wrong (and by that I mean sober).

  8. I hope you like the Fitbit. I started with the older ones and I love the new one! I think that I’m on my 6th?

    I’m also on a 5th but that’s different.

    1. HA! Have they really had that many iterations of the Fitbit? I wish I’d known that. I might’ve only had one metric ton to lose if I’d gotten in on this early.

      1. Not 6 but I’ve had some break (the earlier models were hard plastic that didn’t like being bent or dropped & were 100% NOT water-resistant, even to sweat, which is odd considering their use).

        I may buy a Flex next time but the One is a much better iteration.

  9. I go to the gym and I hate Tadd and his type. They walk around with their hands on their hips. What’s that all about? Then the totally in shape female gym rat who goes backwards on the Elipsizer backwards and doesn’t break a sweat meanwhile I look as if I’ve been in a Cool Hand Luke Hot Box after 5 minutes.

    1. NICE.

      And it’s actually very scientific, not to mention responsible, the hands-on-the-hips thing. It keeps the blood from flowing directly south when they stare at themselves in the mirror.

  10. You’ve ruined my Friday, Jules. After seeing all those striped pants, nothing in my closet will do. I need to find me some pants with wide stripes that make my legs looks longer than a sequoia tree. I fear this is useless. I am so f**king drinking this morning. Thanks.

      1. I guess the only thing worse than being depressed drunk is not being drunk at all. Sadly, I haven’t yet dropped the kids at school. Looks like we are calling in drunk today. That’s a perfectly reasonable excuse to miss first grade, right?

          1. I like to avoid children at all costs. I have to deal with mine, but everyone else’s can take a flying leap. As for glue-eaters, if I found out my kid was one, I’d…. I’d…. golly. I dunno. What would I do?

    1. I think we should collaborate on a new blog dedicated entirely to Tadd.

      Do you ever do the bonus ‘stretch’ video? The first time I did, my hub wandered into the room asking if I was watching porn. The music is the PERFECT complement to his unitard.

  11. My least favorite exercise is anything involving Tadd’s outfit.

    I don’t know if “if it could function as a circus tent pattern, people won’t take you seriously in it” is a fashion rule, but it should be.

  12. Haha! That’s awesome! That damn booze sure adds up in the caloric intake category! Oh well. Too funny post! My daughter and I just started running two days ago. A mile around the high school track, then up and down 8 sets of steps in the football stands. FIrst day was dreamy and we felt great afterwards. Second day we could barely feel our legs. Yikes. We’ll see what today brings!

    1. The first week with the Fitbit was a REAL eye-opener. Luckily I’ve figured out how to live on tears and regret, which leaves me loads of calories for booze.

      And that’s awesome that you and your daughter are exercising together – I mean if nothing else, someone to catch you halfway up the stands 😉

  13. Some of my best runs have been when I accidentally “properly hydrated” a little too close to the time of my run. I honestly recommend it — having a lunch cocktail or two and going for a late afternoon run are not be mutually exclusive activities and a little bit of sauce dulls the pain and boredom of the fitness.

  14. Ok, first of all . . . YOU LOOK AMAZEBALLS!!! Damn, you skinny bitch! I really hate you right now. Please take that as an extreme compliment. Whatever Tadd is doing to you, it is working. Keep up the great work!!

    Second, I’m so happy that the NFL has become more open about accepting female refs. It really warms my heart.

    And third, I walk up TWO flights of stairs every day from my parking garage to the street. I’m not sure that anyone could ask anything more from me! Damn, just thinking about it makes me need a drink. Luckily, I might have something on hand. 😉

    1. Whoa. Whoa. Is this it? Is this the moment I’ve been waiting for all year? The moment I get your approval to wear youknowwhat? Because that’s what I’m wearing in these pictures.

      I am totally celebrating with a pint. Of vodka. Meet you at your place.

      P.S. – Seriously though – thank you!! 🙂

      1. Don’t get all crazy now. Wearing those things in the privacy of your own home while doing crazy stretchy exercises is the EXACT right time for them , , , and then only.

        But I still love you. Cheers!!

  15. I’m like brickhousechick – i hate all of the above. I’d just rather live on my diet of Big Mac’s and cholesterol pills and hope for the best. I feel OK most of the time. Well, some of the time. Well, once.

    1. And this is why when people tell me I should cut back on drinking, I just point to your gravatar.

      (Just hypothetically speaking, using a 32-oz souvenir cup from Medieval Times counts as one drink, right?)

  16. ohmygod. Fitbits are on crack. My dad, brother, and sister in law all have one and they get into fit bit wars. Like they’ll literally park in Timbuktu and walk to the store front to get more steps than the other one. They’ll go up and down the stairs multiple times. My dad works in a hospital and got caught doing squats in the elevator! WTF?!!

  17. Oh my god. When I got to the sentence “I call him Tadd” that was all it took. Flippin’ hilarious post, JD. And those photos kill me. The “angry” one is me for every stage of exercise. I find that extreme bitterness and jealousy of skinnier women fuels my exercise routine quite nicely. And you look so damn sexy, I will use you for my walk tomorrow, thanks!

    My least fave exercise? Lunges. Because as you might recall, these will break my ass.

    1. The only thing I like to lunge for is champagne. Truth. Booze is 90% of the reason I walk so much.

      P.S. – I promise I won’t feel uncomfortable if you tell me I’m sexy in every comment from now on.

  18. I don’t mind most exercises that allow me to watch “30 Rock” on Netflix.
    I’ve even watched it on my phone while I was using a strange ab-crunch-type machine, although it was weird to have Alec Baldwin in my crotch.

    1. Ha! Oh man. You set this up so well that I’m having anxiety trying to come up with the perfect reply. (Do you burn more calories when you’re nervous? Or does your body cling to them under stress? Now I’m stressing about that, so I hope it’s the former. …What was I saying?)

  19. Love the pics as usual! You know my favorite exercise is barre, but I only go once a week now because it gets very pricey very quickly. Generally I walk or sit on the grandma recumbent bike and mess around on Twitter. I like the weight machines too though.

    1. I’ve definitely been trying to avoid getting into anything pricey, since even with walking, I seem to wear out my sneaks in about 3 months!

      The recumbent bike is the way to go for a lot of reasons. They usually have cup holders, right?

  20. Jules, you are looking so buff, woman! Good on ya – I’m proud of you! My body, on the other hand, is wwwhere fit has come to die.

    Thank you for these valuable workout tips. I’ve learned no matter what, I should drink heavily. Heading over to the fridge to get to work on that bottle of wine calling to me. Happy Labor Day, baby-cakes.

  21. lol I did know that actually 😉 but it’s always good knowledge to share. I also like how if I want a drink but a given beer has too many calories (because I have been eating cake all day! I blame my french ancestry) I can just have a gin and tonic and they’re like almost no calories (comparatively speaking) and while a gt isn’t a great substitute for beer, I still love them so it works for me 😉

Leave a Reply. Because I Love You.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.