Man, Chipmunks. You did my heart liver proud with your ‘drunk story’ entries, in the name of winning custom artwork from the lovely and talented Julie Maida.
This drunk person story has served as a cautionary tale for me for 25 years. I live in a small town where the social life for those of us in the business community revolves around fundraisers for local charities and civic organizations. It was at an after-hours for one such group (Rotary, Kiwanis, I can’t remember). The adult beverages were flowing and I noticed one woman, let’s call her Judy, had imbibed perhaps a bit too freely. She was attractively dressed in a shirt, short skirt, black pantyhose and boots.
Judy staggered into the bathroom and my attention was claimed elsewhere until she reappeared some time later. She came out of the ladies room crying, mascara running down her face. She sobbed, “somebody stole my skirt!”
Judy’s skirt was tucked up in the back of her pantyhose, leaving all the territory south of the waistband open to the interested view of the entire bar.
What lesson do we take away from this? When going out drinking, ALWAYS wear pants.
Fresh Veggies/Gingerlea emailed her entry to me (and yes, she has two blogs because she’s too much awesome for just one!):
If you have ever been to the French Quarter and understand the true depth of what it means to close down a bar in New Orleans, then you know what it feels like to plop down in the back of a cab and have a Cajun cabbie yell, “It’s twenty bucks EXTRA if she pukes!”
New Orleans is a great place to visit. There’s food, fun and folly at every street corner. Literally. I had the displeasure of vacationing there with Ex-Husband #2. Let’s just call him Rectal Payne. He was a pretty fellow, so it was no shocker to have him lead me to one of the more spectacular gay bars in the city, only to have the bartender ask me what I was doing there. I think this was a hint that they wanted me to leave, without Mr. Pretty.
Our adventures took us from the rainbow-covered bar to a horrible dump that was blasting karaoke. It occurred to me that I remembered a terrible rendition of Melissa Etheridge song, and now realized that Rectal Payne simply took me from one gay bar to another. …I’m so naïve sometimes.
I believe this is the bar where I decided to take up smoking cigarettes. If you have ever met me in sober life, you would know that I do not smoke. I vaguely remember the bartender laughing at me while I was complaining about not being about to get that damn cigarette lit. Apparently, I was struggling to light the filter. Marlboro Woman, I am not.
“The hat is another story.”
The miracle of drunkenness happened much later. I woke up on the floor under a table. It was a carpeted floor, so I was pretty sure that I wasn’t in a bar anymore. And, it didn’t smell that bad. That was almost reassuring. I was snuggled up to the base of the small table and facing a wall. This is where I had a reality check. Or, more like a “panties on – check.” No pants or shoes, though. That can’t be good. Where the hell was I?
I tried to stay still under the table, just in case. I could hear the loud whirr of an air-conditioner, but no other background noises. I closed my eyes. I decided that I was already in enough trouble, and who knows what happened to Rectal Payne. Since I wasn’t having any pain of my own, I decided I would return to my passed out state and worry about it later.
Fortunately, I awoke from my drunken stupor facing the other direction and realized that I was hugging the side table of my hotel room. Apparently, I had been unable to maintain a horizontal position on the much more comfortable mattress. As the story goes, I slithered from between the bed and the wall to spoon with the side table.
My sigh of relief was quickly replaced by a very quick run to the bathroom to evacuate the dozen raw oysters we had decided to have for a midnight snack. Oh.my.gawd—bad idea. An even worse idea was Rectal Payne leaving his toothbrush out on the counter. Yup. I committed the sin of befouling his toothbrush. No worries. I was then spectacularly distracted by a spontaneous ceiling collapse in the shower.
I was just standing there trying to gather my thoughts when all of the tiles in the shower of the downtown New Orleans Ramada Inn just fell off of the ceiling. Rectal Payne jumped out of bed and screamed like a drag queen missing his favorite high heels.
The staff at the Ramada was more than accommodating and quickly gave us another room. We just called the front desk and they switched us. It was like that happened all of the time? I was in no condition to ask questions, so I just packed up and moved on to the new room.
I told Rectal Payne months later that I had done my best to clean that toothbrush, but he never forgave me. I always thought that was why we ended in divorce. Oysters on his toothbrush. I’m thinking now that it might have had more to do with that gay bar. But, I am certain that oysters are not an aphrodisiac.
Oh, well. I have moved and found a new drinking buddy. We make our own beer and try to keep our cups upright.
Congratulations you two! Julie and I will be in touch via email so you can start discussing your artwork!
Thanks again, everyone, for sharing your stories with such gusto! I owe you a drink.
I heard you like to laugh. At my expense. Sounds like you're ready to take our friendship to the next level. You won't be disappointed. I swear on teeny, tiny baby chipmunks.
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26 thoughts on “Julia Maida Custom Art Giveaway Winner(s)!”
Great choices! I had Peg pegged to win as soon as I read it and really enjoyed the table-spooning runner up. (What IS up with that hat?) Hope we get to see the artwork the winners select!
So fantastic! I guess I’ll never win a drinking contest. But I could tell a naighty tale involving’shrooms one day. Or not. Great choices. Congratulations to Peg. She deserved this win.
I have never been soooo proud to be a runner up. (And ashamed. LOL). Congrats to Peg. I will wear my drinking hat, flaps up, in honor of you! Thanks, Jules, for the generous prize!
Congrats ladies!!! Those were indeed some epic tales of drinking gone wrong. I apparently have to start drinking more often and harder to compete in the future. Game on, girls. Game. On.
I just couldn’t buy that it was your “student.” It’s time to embrace the past, B. We all know about your eclectic resume. We don’t judge here at Go Jules Go.
I’m so STOKED to have won this contest, especially since the drunken fool being exposed to public ridicule is NOT ME! I’m among truly spectacular company, too, as that fabulous photo of GIngerlea should be in the dictionary under “drunk”.
However, comma, I need to add a post-script to my story.
This past weekend found me at another quasi-social-business fundraiser involving my biggest client. I bumped into Judy and we exchanged social smiles while I tried to stifle my giggles. I think she’s learned some restraint over the years because she doesn’t party quite as hearty as she used to.
Guess who had a bit too much wine that evening, instead? OK, we’re not talking “lost my skirt” drunk (I didn’t take my own advice and wore a skirt since it was fancy) but I was at the stage where you’re speaking very carefully since you know you’ve had one glass too many. I’m profoundly hoping it wasn’t obvious. Boy, did I feel crappy the next day.
I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here as well, but for the life of me I can’t figure it out.
Anyhoo, thanks so much, Jules. I can’t wait to get with The Other Julie – her work is stellar.
Oh, Peg. This takes “I resemble that remark” to a whole new level. Like that’s the worst drunk photo I have of myself?! Geesh. I’m clearly no rookie. (or, I just look really drunk in EVERY photograph anyone has ever taken of me … uh oh)
I cannot believe the timing – this REALLY happened just this past weekend. Even though this is a town of only about 25,000 I haven’t seen Judy in several years, either.
If that’s not the epitome of drunk photos in your arsenal, Miss Ginger, I take my hat off to you. I’m clearly in the presence of a master. 😉
Congratulations on your win, Peg! I had no idea you had won another contest. Trying hard to stay up with all the great bloggers I’ve met through you! I’m looking forward to seeing your artwork, too!
Congrats to both – I’m glad I couldn’t remember well enough to write about any of my drinking episodes (due to blacking out).
On another topic, you may have noticed that I am following you now. In truth, I’ve been following you for a lot longer than this (think admirer/disciple, not stalker). As it happens, you never show up on my reader, so I unfollowed you and then quickly refollowed you before it became too painful to be without your wit and talent. With any luck, I’ll find your posts in my reader again, just like in the good old days.
Awesome stories. I am so glad I escaped my drinking career without ever getting my skirt tucked in my pantyhose or thinking that raw oysters sounded like an excellent midnight snack.
Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings
Fresh Veggies in the Desert / Gingerlea Photography
Go Jules Go 
Great choices! I had Peg pegged to win as soon as I read it and really enjoyed the table-spooning runner up. (What IS up with that hat?) Hope we get to see the artwork the winners select!
I can’t WAIT to see the winners’ artwork!
That is some good drunk stories. I know this because I am drunk. j/k.
We all know you’re not kidding, Speaker. Especially the faceless Cabbage Patch doll. Despite its lack of eyes, IT SEES ALL.
So fantastic! I guess I’ll never win a drinking contest. But I could tell a naighty tale involving’shrooms one day. Or not. Great choices. Congratulations to Peg. She deserved this win.
I laugh out loud every time I think of Peg’s story! Can’t wait to see what she picks/designs with Julie!
I have never been soooo proud to be a runner up. (And ashamed. LOL). Congrats to Peg. I will wear my drinking hat, flaps up, in honor of you! Thanks, Jules, for the generous prize!
Oh-hoh no, thank YOU, my table-hugging, toothbrush-stealing friend. Thank you 😉
Congrats ladies!!! Those were indeed some epic tales of drinking gone wrong. I apparently have to start drinking more often and harder to compete in the future. Game on, girls. Game. On.
I so love how you’re walking away from this, Misty – may I please play along? (You might then be stumbling away from this.)
Hm, I think these entries needed about 15% more Chuck E Cheese costumes and panicking children…
No, of course that’s not true. My entry just needed more of what these had. How can drunk stories be so great and heartbreaking at the same time?
I just couldn’t buy that it was your “student.” It’s time to embrace the past, B. We all know about your eclectic resume. We don’t judge here at Go Jules Go.
I’m so STOKED to have won this contest, especially since the drunken fool being exposed to public ridicule is NOT ME! I’m among truly spectacular company, too, as that fabulous photo of GIngerlea should be in the dictionary under “drunk”.
However, comma, I need to add a post-script to my story.
This past weekend found me at another quasi-social-business fundraiser involving my biggest client. I bumped into Judy and we exchanged social smiles while I tried to stifle my giggles. I think she’s learned some restraint over the years because she doesn’t party quite as hearty as she used to.
Guess who had a bit too much wine that evening, instead? OK, we’re not talking “lost my skirt” drunk (I didn’t take my own advice and wore a skirt since it was fancy) but I was at the stage where you’re speaking very carefully since you know you’ve had one glass too many. I’m profoundly hoping it wasn’t obvious. Boy, did I feel crappy the next day.
I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here as well, but for the life of me I can’t figure it out.
Anyhoo, thanks so much, Jules. I can’t wait to get with The Other Julie – her work is stellar.
Oh Peggles, you show off. Another winning comment from the winner!
Man. You do me proud. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Can’t wait to see what you pick/design with Julie. Cannot. Wait.
Oh, Peg. This takes “I resemble that remark” to a whole new level. Like that’s the worst drunk photo I have of myself?! Geesh. I’m clearly no rookie. (or, I just look really drunk in EVERY photograph anyone has ever taken of me … uh oh)
I cannot believe the timing – this REALLY happened just this past weekend. Even though this is a town of only about 25,000 I haven’t seen Judy in several years, either.
If that’s not the epitome of drunk photos in your arsenal, Miss Ginger, I take my hat off to you. I’m clearly in the presence of a master. 😉
I must join the chamber of commerce wherever you live. ha!
Congratulations on your win, Peg! I had no idea you had won another contest. Trying hard to stay up with all the great bloggers I’ve met through you! I’m looking forward to seeing your artwork, too!
I know, aren’t I lucky? I’m working with Julie to come up with just the perfect piece – too many choices are daunting.
Congratulations, both!
Congrats to both – I’m glad I couldn’t remember well enough to write about any of my drinking episodes (due to blacking out).
On another topic, you may have noticed that I am following you now. In truth, I’ve been following you for a lot longer than this (think admirer/disciple, not stalker). As it happens, you never show up on my reader, so I unfollowed you and then quickly refollowed you before it became too painful to be without your wit and talent. With any luck, I’ll find your posts in my reader again, just like in the good old days.
Awesome stories. I am so glad I escaped my drinking career without ever getting my skirt tucked in my pantyhose or thinking that raw oysters sounded like an excellent midnight snack.
I wouldn’t have been able to choose! Both are classic!
Congrats to both! Well told and delightfully frightening stories! Both made me guffaw out loud..
I’m still laughing about fresh veggies spooning the hotel table. Hahahaha.
That makes two of us! 🙂