Family Ties, humor

Brace Yourselves. I Just Got Another Email From My Mom.

You probably just stopped having nightmares over last week’s email from my mom, Babs. Remember that one? With the deer carcass? Babs had emailed graphic, carnage-ridden pictures to me, describing how her neighbor had strung up a dead deer only yards away from her back porch.

Then, a couple of days later, Babs emailed again, saying she’d bought us tickets to see Spank!, the 50 Shades of Grey parody/musical.

Surely, you’re thinking, in such a short amount of time, Jules’ mom couldn’t possibly electronic-mail any more atrocities?

Nay, chipmunks!


Dregs from the crawl space 1-28-13 002

Wait for it.

Subject: This Almost Killed Me…

I’m almost done with the eaves clean-out. It was a cross between a Chucky movie and a 30’s dust bowl.

Opening some of the last boxes was very scary. The mother [squirrel] nest wasn’t the straw [I’d seen] on the floor, but inside a box disguised as Christmas storage.

And the choices of nesting material? That was found in a stuffed animals/dolls box. Yup, the doll is missing her face! Plus lots of the pink insulation from the ceiling.

This was such a gross job.

xox Babs

Oh look! It’s my box of Christmas treasures! F&*#%^& squirrels!
Well at least my children’s momentos are safe and sound… OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLE-Y.

Obviously, Babs needs her own blog. Or a new storage space.


What’s your least favorite / grossest household job?

P.S. – You have until NOON EST TODAY (Wednesday, January 30, 2013) to enter my latest giveaway – you can win custom artwork from Julie Maida!

91 thoughts on “Brace Yourselves. I Just Got Another Email From My Mom.”

  1. So a squirrel hollowed out an old Cabbage Patch Doll’s face and dropped her stuff in there? Do you feel sad? I have a slightly less attractive version from the 80s that you can have. His name just so happens to be Christian. True story.

  2. Reason #12 that Babs and I and a couple of Manhattans would be an interesting combination for any flies on the wall to observe:
    I thought “eaves clean out” was some sort of hipster cleansing diet and the Cabbage Patch picture was either her artistic interpretation of the effects of the cleanse OR. . . (why would I make up something this ridiculous?) some sort of pro-life statement.

    Maybe I shouldn’t look for the artistic meaning behind everything. Or stop having Manhattans for breakfast.

  3. Poor Babs! She has had quite the trauma these past few weeks. From hanging deer carcasses to (plastic) flesh eating squirrels. Man, your mama really needs a drink (or 4!). And yes to her having her own blog. Get on that pronto, Jules!

        1. That’s just wrong. I had a ventriloquist dummy as a kid that I brought with me to college – it sat on my bed. I went away one weekend and when I got back I walked in and found my roommate had Charlie bound, gagged and blindfolded, hanging from the ceiling. I still have trauma flashbacks.

            1. It IS wrong, Rache. Really, really wrong. But it was funny, too. I had to walk back to the dorm from the bus station in a blizzard and they waited in the room for who-knows-how-long to snap a picture when I walked in the room. Captive, hanging Charlie in the foreground and red, frozen, bundled and befuddled Peg standing in the doorway.

      1. There’s definitely a resale market for vinyl, especially if they’re in good condition. A lot of sound & music people have never gotten away from it, and many audiophiles actively collect. Maybe eBay?

  4. Don’t worry. You can use the footprint on her birth certificate to get a positive ID.

    Babs totes needs her own blog. Or…. guest blogger?

        1. As confident as I am that Second Husband reads this blog.

          As confident as I am that I won’t drink a fifth of vodka tonight.

          As confident as I am that Project Management is my calling.

          As confident as I am that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie of all time.

          Seriously, Sout Walker. All. Day.

          1. What I love about Citizen Kane is that I always think I’m not quite sure I got it at the end… every single time I watch the film. Every single time. It’s kind of like reading a T.S. Eliot poem.

            1. Ha! Oh gawd. I took an entire class in college dedicated to T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land.” It was hideous, but I got to feel really pompous for about 3 months.

              Poor B Man. This comment thread is probably making him rip his hair out.

              P.S. – If you didn’t like Hugo, best to just keep it to yourself.

  5. Babs really does need a blog of her own and I would be her first subscriber! She is hilarious! Damn squirrels! I had a heart attack last summer when I dug out our fire pit from behind the garage and found a mouse with her babies inside the cover! I screamed like a girl and ran down the driveway!

    1. Babs thinks I ‘make’ her emails funny when I blog about them. Puh-lease! She doesn’t need any help from me.

      The ‘surprise’ element is just the worst when it comes to critters. Last summer I found a snake in the pool filter; it was RIGHT THERE when I took the lid off. It was still alive. Naturally, I turned him into a stand-up comic snake and blogged about it.

      1. That’s exactly what I was going to say! But then I thought it might be in Babs’ best interest if I let everyone else believe they’ll be her first follower.

      2. I’ll beat you to it! LOL I am up for a challenge! Go Babs Go – create that blog (but tell me FIRST that you did so I can subscribe) Us girls have to stick together!

  6. For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, the pony’s eyes! They’re pleading, “Please, Babs, save me! Don’t let me end up like the Cabbage Patch doll!”

  7. Wow,,a faceless cabbage patch doll,,spookie. but interesting,,I see a market for that. Think of it Jules,,you could have a little squirrel black market with little squirrel workers munching day and night!
    Was it weird that all I could do was stare at the doll’s belly button?

      1. I should have told you about the red feather boa. The shreds of that shiz was every where in the eaves. They really were party animals.

  8. I was just ‘gifted’ an old Cabbage Patch Doll. I’m thinking this person was not really a friend. It creeps the shit out of me. The squirrels at my house get into everything — I now know what to feed them. And, p.s., I just sent you the best/worst drunktard photo. Maybe, not EVAR … because I have more. But, it made me giggle to hit send on that email.

    1. It made me giggle (a LOT) to see that photo / read that story! Thank you again!

      And no, that is no friend. It’s amazing how popular those dolls were. They grew out of cabbage. Their heads were in cabbage. How drunk was the person who came up with that?

  9. Hmmm…..this gives me a great idea. My daughter has a Chuckie/cabbage patch doll in her closet and I’m convinced it comes to life at night to eat all my twinkies and mess with my electronic scale in the bathroom. I’m thinking I need to find a way to lure some squirrels into our house now. Thanks! (by the way, my friend saw that 50 shades thing last night in Portland and she said it was absolutely hilarious)

    1. You have a doll that eats all the junk food and messes with your scale, too?! I knew it! It’s a conspiracy even more widespread than I once thought.

      And I am SO relieved to hear the show is funny. Then again, 50 Shades musical = instant blog post no matter what, so I’m good.

  10. I agree chipmunks are vastly superior to squirrels. They don’t eat people’s faces off and can wear tiny shirts with all the letters of the alphabet while singing in unison. I only wish they could get a vocal coach, because if my childhood musical memory serves me correctly their range is total crap.

    1. Excellent point(s). My chipmunk life coaches would like to get to know you better, but please hide the key to your liquor cabinet first or you’ll be sorry. Voice of experience.

  11. Jules,

    I think perhaps you should lure Babs into blogging with a bi-weekly feature right here. Also, I feel like I owe her a a drink for all the joy she has brought to my life. Plus if someone kicked my ass for offering to buy your mother a drink it would make a great story for your blog… and that’s really what’s important.

    -Soul Walker

    1. And here I bet you thought it couldn’t get any weirder than a sheet set giveaway in which I ironed the The Byronic Man’s face onto pillowcases.

      That’s a fine question. I think they probably grew big and strong, well fed on a diet of Cabbage Patch doll face.

      1. I laughed my butt off when I first saw this! I want one for our backyard just to get some funny photos, but I don’t want to attract any squirrels! I was hoping you would get a kick of out it! Glad I made your WEEK!

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