Brace Yourselves. I Just Got Another Email From My Mom.

You probably just stopped having nightmares over last week’s email from my mom, Babs. Remember that one? With the deer carcass? Babs had emailed graphic, carnage-ridden pictures to me, describing how her neighbor had strung up a dead deer only yards away from her back porch.

Then, a couple of days later, Babs emailed again, saying she’d bought us tickets to see Spank!, the 50 Shades of Grey parody/musical.

Surely, you’re thinking, in such a short amount of time, Jules’ mom couldn’t possibly electronic-mail any more atrocities?

Nay, chipmunks!

Behold!

Dregs from the crawl space 1-28-13 002

Wait for it.

Subject: This Almost Killed Me…

I’m almost done with the eaves clean-out. It was a cross between a Chucky movie and a 30’s dust bowl.

Opening some of the last boxes was very scary. The mother [squirrel] nest wasn’t the straw [I’d seen] on the floor, but inside a box disguised as Christmas storage.

And the choices of nesting material? That was found in a stuffed animals/dolls box. Yup, the doll is missing her face! Plus lots of the pink insulation from the ceiling.

This was such a gross job.

xox Babs

attic-nest

Oh look! It’s my box of Christmas treasures! F&*#%^& squirrels!

Cabbage-Patch-doll-attic

Well at least my children’s momentos are safe and sound… OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLE-Y.

Obviously, Babs needs her own blog. Or a new storage space.

Chipmunks-Babs

What’s your least favorite / grossest household job?

P.S. – You have until NOON EST TODAY (Wednesday, January 30, 2013) to enter my latest giveaway – you can win custom artwork from Julie Maida!

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91 responses to “Brace Yourselves. I Just Got Another Email From My Mom.

  1. So a squirrel hollowed out an old Cabbage Patch Doll’s face and dropped her stuff in there? Do you feel sad? I have a slightly less attractive version from the 80s that you can have. His name just so happens to be Christian. True story.

  2. Reason #12 that Babs and I and a couple of Manhattans would be an interesting combination for any flies on the wall to observe:
    I thought “eaves clean out” was some sort of hipster cleansing diet and the Cabbage Patch picture was either her artistic interpretation of the effects of the cleanse OR. . . (why would I make up something this ridiculous?) some sort of pro-life statement.

    Maybe I shouldn’t look for the artistic meaning behind everything. Or stop having Manhattans for breakfast.

  3. Was that a cabbage patch doll? Oh the horror…the horror.

  4. Poor Babs! She has had quite the trauma these past few weeks. From hanging deer carcasses to (plastic) flesh eating squirrels. Man, your mama really needs a drink (or 4!). And yes to her having her own blog. Get on that pronto, Jules!

  5. The most important question is, do you remember the name of that Cabbage Patch Kid? Horrors! I think that was worse than the deer carcass.

  6. You had a Cabbage Patch Doll? Lucky… 🙂
    I am afraid to go into our attic. I found insulation in an outdoor window box last summer…..

  7. Somehow totally scarier than the dead deer!

  8. every household job is my least favourite and grossest

  9. I never got a Cabbage Patch Kid. 😦 Hey, at least your vinyl is safe.

  10. Don’t worry. You can use the footprint on her birth certificate to get a positive ID.

    Babs totes needs her own blog. Or…. guest blogger?

  11. You really can’t get a lot more disturbing than a doll with its face missing. How confident are you that these aren’t demon squirrels?

  12. Babs really does need a blog of her own and I would be her first subscriber! She is hilarious! Damn squirrels! I had a heart attack last summer when I dug out our fire pit from behind the garage and found a mouse with her babies inside the cover! I screamed like a girl and ran down the driveway!

    • Babs thinks I ‘make’ her emails funny when I blog about them. Puh-lease! She doesn’t need any help from me.

      The ‘surprise’ element is just the worst when it comes to critters. Last summer I found a snake in the pool filter; it was RIGHT THERE when I took the lid off. It was still alive. Naturally, I turned him into a stand-up comic snake and blogged about it.

    • You wouldn’t be the first subscriber if I was the first subscriber. I feel the need to point that out.

  13. For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, the pony’s eyes! They’re pleading, “Please, Babs, save me! Don’t let me end up like the Cabbage Patch doll!”

  14. Obviously that squirrel was very young, or she’d have known that Cabbage Patch dolls used to be hard to find. You can’t deface (literally) one like that!

  15. Wow,,a faceless cabbage patch doll,,spookie. but interesting,,I see a market for that. Think of it Jules,,you could have a little squirrel black market with little squirrel workers munching day and night!
    Was it weird that all I could do was stare at the doll’s belly button?

  16. I was just ‘gifted’ an old Cabbage Patch Doll. I’m thinking this person was not really a friend. It creeps the shit out of me. The squirrels at my house get into everything — I now know what to feed them. And, p.s., I just sent you the best/worst drunktard photo. Maybe, not EVAR … because I have more. But, it made me giggle to hit send on that email.

  17. Hmmm…..this gives me a great idea. My daughter has a Chuckie/cabbage patch doll in her closet and I’m convinced it comes to life at night to eat all my twinkies and mess with my electronic scale in the bathroom. I’m thinking I need to find a way to lure some squirrels into our house now. Thanks! (by the way, my friend saw that 50 shades thing last night in Portland and she said it was absolutely hilarious)

    • You have a doll that eats all the junk food and messes with your scale, too?! I knew it! It’s a conspiracy even more widespread than I once thought.

      And I am SO relieved to hear the show is funny. Then again, 50 Shades musical = instant blog post no matter what, so I’m good.

  18. I agree chipmunks are vastly superior to squirrels. They don’t eat people’s faces off and can wear tiny shirts with all the letters of the alphabet while singing in unison. I only wish they could get a vocal coach, because if my childhood musical memory serves me correctly their range is total crap.

    • Excellent point(s). My chipmunk life coaches would like to get to know you better, but please hide the key to your liquor cabinet first or you’ll be sorry. Voice of experience.

  19. Jules,

    I think perhaps you should lure Babs into blogging with a bi-weekly feature right here. Also, I feel like I owe her a a drink for all the joy she has brought to my life. Plus if someone kicked my ass for offering to buy your mother a drink it would make a great story for your blog… and that’s really what’s important.

    -Soul Walker

  20. What the what??? This is weird on so many levels. What ever became of the pile of baby squirrels?

    • And here I bet you thought it couldn’t get any weirder than a sheet set giveaway in which I ironed the The Byronic Man’s face onto pillowcases.

      That’s a fine question. I think they probably grew big and strong, well fed on a diet of Cabbage Patch doll face.

  21. What a horrific scene! That’s so much worse than Chucky.

  22. I know this is completely unrelated to this post, but google Quokka. You’re gonna love it. It’s gonna give chipmunks a run for their nuts…err…money.

  23. Pingback: One Zombie Sunday | JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom

  24. sweet mother of god

  25. your Mom needs to blog for sure 🙂

  26. Pingback: You’ve Got Mail! I Think. I Don’t Know. This Is Your Mother. Are You Seeing This? | Go Jules Go

  27. That thing invokes more nightmares than if Rasputin, a cymbal-bashing monkey and The Shining twins were all lying in wait in the backseat of my car.

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