Everyone Loves a Braggart...Right?, Music, Uncategorized

How I Almost Walked the Red Carpet Last Week

Whoever said bloggers were lame, basement-dwellers who lack the talent of ‘real’ writers has never met the awesome array of bloggers I have via WordPress. I’m continually amazed by the gifts and goodness they possess.

Deb Bryan (The Monster In Your Closet) and Chris (From the Bungalow) just shaved their heads for St. Baldrick’s Foundation, The Byronic Man has made commercials, Clay Morgan (EduClaytion) and Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) have book deals, and Renee Fisher (Life in the Boomer Lane) and Tyler Tarver have published books, just to name a few.

So I guess in some ways I wasn’t surprised to receive this text from JM Randolph (Accidental Stepmom) last Thursday morning:

Totally last minute. CC can’t come to my opening nite show. I only got 1 ticket- do you want it? 6:45 curtain.

The show JM was referring to was Jesus Christ Superstar, which opened on Broadway March 22nd. Thanks to JM’s gig doing sound for theater, I just scored an invite to opening night – on Broadway! I responded accordingly:

Hi JM! I just saw this! Is it too late to say hell yes!?

And so it was. We agreed to meet at 6:30 in front of the theater. I went to Kohl’s on my lunch break and picked up two new blazers because, of course, nothing in my closet was right. I settled on all black: black stretch pants, black calf-high boots, a black high-necked shirt with a sheer overlay on front, and a black blazer with similar sheer trim along the bottom.

This one. Photo credit: http://resources.shopstyle.com

I lightened things up with my wedding-day earrings, which are getting a lot of play lately:


I boarded the 4:23 NJ Transit train, excited as could be. JM and I met for the first time in January, before I saw another Broadway show, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I was really looking forward to seeing her again. From reading JM’s blog, it’s obvious she’s smart, witty and completely badass. I expected to meet a tough, somewhat no-nonsense chick. Which intimidated the hell out of me. Oh, how wrong I was! JM is warm, welcoming and lovely. And gorgeous! Not I’m going to wear leather pants to kick your butt gorgeous, but Princess Bride gorgeous.

Our first meeting in January.

It was only on the train, nearly to Penn Station, that I saw an earlier text from JM (I’d been having battery issues with my phone all day):

oh and dress semi-fab. you will need a pic of yourself on the red carpet.

Red carpet?! Moi?! My honest-to-goodness first thought was: I think my stretch pants are see-through! I was willing to accept that any pictures of me would be less than flattering, but transparent pants was where I drew the line. It was akin to stepping out of a limo with no underwear.

We've all seen it happen. Photo credit: fashion.about.com

I quickly texted JM:

Oh holy shoot. For some reason I just saw your text about the red carpet. I did buy a new cute blazer on my lunch break BC that’s how I roll LOL but I don’t think it qualifies as fab?!?!?!?!

JM assured me it was no big deal, and that at least one person would be in sweatpants. I couldn’t tell if I’d just gotten myself out of it.

It was a gorgeous day for March, 75 degrees and sunny, and Manhattan was absolutely packed. It took me 40 minutes to work my way through the throngs of people to Neil Simon Theatre (I always prefer to walk to the theater district versus taking the subway or a cab from Penn Station, even though it’s at least a mile). I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen Times Square so jammed up.

There was also a huge crowd in front of the theater, though I couldn’t see who was on the red carpet. Several skeletal women passed by me in bright, silk dresses; it was clear they’d spent the entire day getting ready. My heart was in my throat at the prospect of sharing any kind of floor space with Broadway elite. I didn’t know the names of these producers and directors. I wouldn’t know Edward Albee if I tripped over him (just to make this reference I had to Google ‘living playwrights’).

When JM met me outside and handed me a ticket, I followed her lead. Okay, good, we weren’t headed towards the flash bulbs and cheers. Instead, we walked in through a side door.  Hallelujah, I was spared! Under different circumstances, I would have been disappointed. But not that night. Not in see-through pants.

JM showed me to her motherboard, which was on a platform at the back of the orchestra section. She introduced me to some of her colleagues and it was clear they all adored her (and vice versa). Being part of the in crowd really is all it’s cracked up to be, Chipmunks.

Darn phone. This is a picture of a picture. Yes. I have a new phone now.

I told JM I was learning about the inner workings of Broadway from one of my new favorite shows, Smash. She said they do actually do workshops like the one currently depicted on the show, confirming my suspicion that I can learn everything I need to know from TV. She paused.

“You do have crazy eyes.”

I laughed. I recently wrote a post about my crazy eyes; in it I described my giant pupils. Being in a dark theater surely made them noteworthy.

“I know,” I replied. “Everyone thinks I’m high all the time. …I wish.”

“Do they even need to dilate your pupils when you go to the eye doctor?” she asked with a good-natured smile.

Can I have some of your toe nail clippings for my collection?

Because the show was soon starting, I bid a temporary goodbye to JM and found my seat in the center of the balcony section. I smiled to myself when I saw the skinny-minnie-silk-dress girls in seats right by me. Ah, opening night on Broadway, what a great equalizer you are! I felt smug until I realized my see-through-panted butt could still barely fit in the wee Broadway seats (despite, and let me pause to brag for the first time here, a significant weight loss in the past year).

The audience was extremely enthusiastic, and while I’d never seen the play before, I was blown away by the production value and, most of all, the voices of the cast. (I bet some of that can be attributed to JM!) Andrew Lloyd Webber came out during the curtain call, and the standing ovation was the longest I’d ever taken part in.

I didn’t linger because I had to catch my train home, but hoped I managed to convey my gratitude and enthusiasm to JM before dashing. (In the end, I missed my connecting train -for the first time in my life- because I was too busy texting about my fun night out!)

Hey, we can still pretend I shared the spotlight with the likes of Megan Hilty (from Smash) and Andrew Lloyd Webber:

Hey, wait a second, Lisa Lampanelli…

…That dress looks familiar…

My surprise bridal shower, May 2008.

I’m so ahead of my time*! Maybe see-through pants will be in four years from now! Damn. I guess I should have walked that carpet.

*I bought this dress for $25 from Target 4 years ago. I cannot believe it’s on the red carpet right now.

Photo credit (marquis and red carpet pictures): broadwayworld.com.

39 thoughts on “How I Almost Walked the Red Carpet Last Week”

  1. Wow! Wow! Wow! I love the music from Jesus Christ Superstar and love living vicariously through you. I’m newly inspired to do something amazing so I am worthy to be called your friend, Jules.

    1. Maybe we can get that green jacket on the red carpet next?! And I’m pretty sure YOU, or any of your posts or drawings alone, are enough to make anyone want to be YOUR friend!

    1. We must prove them wrong, Renee! I do think bloggers are getting a better reputation as the days pass, but there’s still this idea that bloggers use their medium to bash, ridicule, etc. because they’re not talented enough to make it on their own merit. Bah!

  2. This post has it all! Good god! I am so impressed. I am so jealous. I am so wondering why you even bother associating with me when I am just a boring, plaid-wearing girl from Maine who is currently sitting on the couch in her slippers eating Cool Ranch Doritos.

    1. Darla, if you sent me a last-minute text to help you finish that bag of Doritos, I would be there in a heartbeat. I would also bring wine. Because I really, REALLY want to see what happens after you drink some of it.

  3. I’m sorry to say that see through pants will never be haute couture. At least I pray to the dear sweet baby Jeebus that that is true!!

    I love that dress, though. What a trend setter you are! And you can really tell how much weight you have lost since then as well. Bravo for that!!

    May I still tell people I knew you when? I mean, it’s obviously only a matter of time before you are walking that red carpet and turning as all the press call your name for that one perfect picture. 🙂

    1. LOL! Maybe we should ask Lisa Lampanelli about her thoughts on see-through pants??

      Yes! Please tell people you knew me when I shopped at Target. Now [that I’m out in the sticks] I shop at Wal-Mart. 😉

  4. What a fun night 🙂 You should still have wandered up the red carpet, at least to get some pics, but oh well. Next time, you’ll be in non-seethrough pants, and be able to glide glamorously across the carpet without fear of finding yourself accidentally on one of those style ‘success and fail’ type articles.

    1. It really was! Next time I go to NY, I’ll be so paranoid I’ll probably dress in mirrors. “You can’t see anything now but yourself!! Mwahahaha!” (That evil cackle will work even better with my creepy peepers. ;))

  5. The only musical I *keep* on my iPhone/ iPod is JCSS (the original, Jewison version that came out the year I was born!).

    I’d have loved going to see another production, though. It looks like you had a great time, shining arse and all.

    1. haha you are!!! I’ve been thinking about your blog over the past couple of days, because I finally got a phone that takes proper pictures! Of course, they’re still NOTHING compared to yours (and your accompanying prose)!

      I still can’t believe that when I started this blog last Feb, I really thought it was just a way to write. I never thought about all of the friends I could meet/make! Color me corrected!

  6. Neither you, Julie, nor the fifty thousand, nor the Romans, nor the Jews, nor Judas, nor the twelve, nor the priests, nor the scribes, nor doomed Jerusalem itself — understand what power is in the see-through pants.

    1. LOL! This awesome comment reminds me that I need to check and make sure I’m getting your latest posts via my reader (because I haven’t seen anything come through in the past week or two)! …Grr, I’m not! This seems to happen with WordPress sometimes. I think they like to test our devotion. Bring it, WordPress overlords!

      I wonder what Lisa Lampanelli thinks of see-through pants. Or what she will think in 4 years…

    1. Ah – that’s right – although it’s only a matter of time!!

      Zombie Cruz is amazing. I want to put her on the fridge. It might keep me from the Thin Mints in the freezer.

      1. I don’t think anything could keep me away if I had thin mints in the freezer.

        You’ve hinted so I hope I’m not being nosy, but how much weight have you lost? You look great!

        1. Girl Scout cookies are so magical.

          Thanks, Peg! AND, right back at’cha! I’ve lost 55-56 lbs since Memorial Day last year. I’ve been stuck in this spot for two months. I want to lose about 30 more, but I don’t really care how long it takes – I refuse to ‘diet’! I’m just trying not to OVER eat (my true vice). I think continuing to explore the new hiking trails in my neighborhood might help kick-start things (I love hiking)! 🙂

  7. I’m so glad you were able to make it! You looked FAB and I’m sure that if your pants were see-through everyone would have been jealous. I love your writing- you crack me up! I can’t believe Lisa stole your dress. And um… no, you can’t have any clippings for your collection. Sorry. Even I draw the line somewhere.

  8. I’m SO happy that JM shared your blog and that YOU shared your super cool Broadway debut with us! I didn’t even know what show JM was working on…but Jesus Christ Superstar?? How amazing!! Loved your horror of the see-through pants experience on the red carpet … and your big eyes! Great post!

    1. Hi Betty! Thank you so much – it’s a treat having you over here! 🙂 I subscribed to your blog, and am actually kinda ticked I didn’t know about it sooner! You’re incredible!!!

  9. Your eyes are following me now Jules, please tell them to stop. I came here to comment on your awesome fantastical adventure, I want no trouble….

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