Just For Fun

I Need Your Help with My Homework

Somehow, on Tuesday night, I found myself back in school.

After earning my Bachelor’s in 2004, I never thought I’d go back.

Homework is for suckers, am I right?!

Yet there I was, on my merry way to a web design certification class.

Yes. They make nerd ‘stache glasses!

Okay, technically it’s a continuing education class for old farts like me who want to broaden their skill sets   change careers  eeny-meenie-miney-mo between Pottery 101, How to Interpret Your Dog’s Dreams, and House Plants for People Who, Sorry Mom, Are Never Having Kids.

But still.

There’s a teacher. There are students. There are rad new school supplies:

And the college diet essentials:

I just don’t know how to quit you, Hot Pocket.

It’s totally school. I’m back in school.

What was I thinking?

I almost had a stroke when I had to take the 4-hour, 200-question Project Management Professional certification test last year.

But then I got my hands on Dreamweaver (HTML editor software), and well, I think I’m gonna like it here.

There’s just one thing.

I need your help.

For my first homework assignment, I have to create a basic HTML webpage. It must contain a header, intro paragraph, a picture and a few bullet points.

The actual “content” doesn’t matter.


Like I’m going to write about the weather!

This is far too much temptation.

The possibilities are endless!

So, please have at it in the comments section. What weird, random stuff can I pull into my web page to make the entire class uncomfortable? (And don’t worry, I’ll report back and show you the final product. You know I live for this shiz.)

Oh and don’t forget to enter the September ‘Stache Glasses Giveaway Contest (deadline: Friday, Sep 28th, 12pm MIDNIGHT EST)! The entries so far are a riot – thank you!

Oops. I have no idea how this freshly groomed picture of Uncle Jesse got in here!

P.S. – Did anyone notice I already put my new HTML skillz to work in this post? Wait’ll you see me in the comments section.

100 thoughts on “I Need Your Help with My Homework”

  1. Tell me about homework gurl!! I’m slowly rising up against that sh*t. My teacher sprung a 100 question assignment due on monday on the most boring subject “Dental Materials”,,I see a wknd with a bottle of wine and the warmth of my laptop.. Of course,,I will also be catching up on your blog,,sorry I have been a slacker 🙂

    1. Nikki, hi! 🙂 I hope all is well! And please don’t ever apologize for not reading – I haven’t been able to keep up with blogs at all and I really miss it! I hope to have some time this weekend!

      Good luck on the test…this sounds like at least a 2-bottle situation.

  2. You have to include a chipmunk with stache glasses – this might not leave anyone uncomfortable, but it will be your signature
    I leave the uncomfortable stuff to your other commenters
    By the way, am I entered in the contest (I think I am)–I bought some of these glasses but am going to give them to my going to college son to cheer him up — they will remind him of Mario and Luigi

    1. YES! You are so right. Do you think I’ll get extra credit for my PowerPoint Photoshop skillz?!

      Your entry was so classy! And I respect anyone who thinks of Super Mario Bros. when they see ‘stache glasses.

  3. I’m supposed to be doing ‘homework’ as well (last semester of my degree whoop whoop) I hated school and it was 23 years before I could bring myself to go to Uni! obviously I agree with the previous comment re chipmunks, it’s a given, the world still needs more chipmunks and fake stachio glasses (together if at all poss) – but we all already love your blog persona and don’t find it at all uncomfortable – now cats, well that’s a whole other story – more than two makes people universally uncomfortable so how about ‘mad cat lady who knits outfits for her cats’ – your bullet points could list ‘things I would like to make for my cats’ and I feel your intro paragraph should introduce said cats, preferably with the most exaggerated double barreled pedigree names you can conjure; with HTML link to the latest knitting pattern for Sir Trump-A-Lots fashionable mohair pantaloons….forgive me, I got carried away…I’ve gone too far now haven’t I.

    1. Too far?! Too far?! I’m going to be thinking of what else to add all day! I love the idea of running with something like this, though I already fear the friends I might make in class as a result…

      Thank you for the compliment, by the way, and congrats on being in the home stretch!!

      1. …I have two more random ideas for you via the search info for my blog today…..”windy deck chair beaches” AND “prawn photography” I double dare you to work that one in somehow! who the hell looks for photographs of prawns on the internet? Now THAT makes me uncomfortable! I confess my diet went downhill as well when I became a student…..I eat far too much dry cereal straight out the box 😦

        1. THE SEARCH TERMS! Yes! OMG. And/or I could do a list about all the weird things about blogging, and make it seem really, really freaky. Or create a bloggy soap opera, with everyone getting really incestuous, and cutthroat about getting Freshly Pressed…

          You inspire me.

  4. Hurray for your class! Sounds like it’s going better than mine. There’s some annoying know-it-all guy who keeps sitting next to me. It’s annoying. Did I say he was annoying? Because he’s really annoying.

    I LOVE that kitty! Is it a notebook?

    1. Oh, Thoughtsy! If I hadn’t already told the class I was there to enhance my bloggy skillz, I would tell you all about my classmates. But now they know I have a blog…

      What’s worse: know-it-alls or know-nothings who ask tons of senseless questions?

      Yes – thank you! Notebook from Target. I got a bunch there and they’re awesome!

  5. This one’s going to pay all kinds of dividends for you!
    – Photo: Picture of a nun
    – Header: “What Happened to the last instructor who dared to give me less than an A”
    – Paragraph: copy/paste a paragraph from Silence of the Lambs

  6. Omigosh! I love all of this. And I am jealous. Because I have the time to take a class, and I should be doing something like this. Please include a section on How To Exquisitely Fold Sheets and How to Have Several Husbands at the Same Time. 😉

    1. I concur on these points – the folded sheet part would be great (there’s a certain Youtube video that’s taking the globe by STORM with over 200 hits I could recommend…), and the polygamy/polyandry part would make everyone’s smile freeze as they force a laugh and mutter, “Wait… is she serious…?”

      1. Oh, what’s this? Am I crashing the Hot Teacher’s Convention over here?

        B is undoubtedly referring to MY fitted sheet video, which is ON FIRE, much like Glee’s break-out star, Second Husband, Darren Criss.

        Maybe the whole web page should center around my polygamy vs. polyandry question!

    2. Ren-zay! Thank you. I knew you would embrace this assignment, too. And now I’m distracted – what kind of continuing ed classes would you take? I’m also interested in their graphic design certification! I mean, look how excited I am just over doing THIS!

        1. Yesss. The school computers have Photoshop and a million other applications that I’m frothing at the mouth over. It took every ounce of willpower I had to stick to Dreamweaver in this first class (and even then I went off and downloaded pictures of ‘pugs in pug slippers’ and added them to my page while he went through the basics, LOL).

          1. Jules, I am crying because I want to redesign my blog header. And Tech designed THREE headers for a contest. And then I decided I like a different theme, which I now realize happens to be yours. But the header specs are different. He is like: “Figure it out, mom.” He is so done with me. I wish I knew how to do something because I have to move forward.

            Also, I hope you don’t mind if I am using the same theme.

            But I might not be if he won’t budge.

            Seriously, I need to learn basic Photoshop. Like Photoshop for Total Techno-Phobe Idiots. Is there an app for that?

            1. No tears, Ren-Zay! You should email me the banners to see if I can do something with them – I am SO not a whiz with this and got mine to fit through a series of trial and error, LOL, but there should be a relatively painless way to use what you have already!

              Leanne Shirtliffe uses this theme, too, so you know what that means: You have awesome taste. But we knew this.

              1. Does Leanne use this, too? I was just looking through themes! I need something with TWO columns that has BOLD HEADERS. Meanwhile, I’ve switched back to teachers & twits. My son says it’s my brand, and I can’t switch now. Is he right? Meanwhile, he has created these amazing headers for Twenty-Eleven. AMAZING! (Okay, one might be way more amazing than the rest. It might be a slightly rigged contest.) But I don’t like how small the category headers are.

                I can’t bug you with this. He used like 4 layers. FOUR. Kid is pro. I’ll just bribe him.

                1. LOL He *is* amazing! And yes, Leanne does, but she’s got a different color. And I think a lot of the themes let you customize with menus (left/right/top/bottom) – I’m pretty sure I can have widgets on the left and right if I wanted to with this theme.

                  I’m really happy with this theme – and do not mind ONE BIT if you use it, too!

                  As for the brand, well…Tech’s got a point, but I still think since you’ve always used your real name, you can go that route, too!

  7. Oh Jules, I think you just inspired me. I don’t want to go back to college but I have been (passively) considering one of those certification classes. And I love HTML! WordPress charges like $30 for those font/color packages, but I use HTML…free. 😀

    Good luck with your class/site. You definitely have to include chipmunks and stache glasses somehow. Chipmunks WEARING stache glasses? Darren Criss in stache glasses? And peppers for your hubby! 😉

    1. Lilykins! If we were just a little closer, we could go to the same classes! You would kick chipmunk tail at this – I mean, look what you can do with emoticons!

      You had me up until peppers. Between you and me, I enrolled in this class just for one pepper-free night a week 😉

            1. I’m glad you said that, because I tried to underline something on B Man’s blog this morning (in my comment, using HTML), and it didn’t work! It seems odd to me that WordPress themes are inconsistent about something like formatting in the comments… but I am not savvy like you!

              1. I know! Like a dork, I even tested the comment first on my blog. It worked on mine. 😦 Don’t even get me started on themes, they definitely are inconsistent and sometimes not even functional! 😉

                1. hahahaha I DID THE SAME THING (tested it on my blog first – so, just so you know, my theme supports italics, bold, and underline all in one word or phrase in the comments section!)!

  8. Maybe you could sell a cure for something – as so many wonderful web pages do – like the cure for bacon intoxication or unsightly mustaches on women or an obsession with chipmunks. Here’s an example of a similar page with an intro, the cure and some wonderful testimonials (even some in unknown languages): http://www.cognitial.com/hiccups.shtml

    Hey, if homework is for suckers, then does that make us . . . wait . . .

    1. Ha! Louise, do I even want to know how you stumbled across this site? But I like where you’re going with this… (I can always count on you.)

      Bacon intoxication…it sounds like bacon withdrawal might be a real problem for me pretty soon (with all of this talk about a bacon shortage). Maybe I should focus on that?

  9. Wait, did you just give us homework? I think you just gave us homework. Man, blog-reading is soooooo hard.

    I think babies dressed as grown-ups might be the most creepy thing you could include on your webpage. I once saw a baby — an actual baby (not the silicone kind) — dressed in a tiny woman’s suit, sitting on a tiny desk chair and typing on a tiny computers. Jules, I’m not going to lie. My ovaries immediately shriveled up into raisins. Thank goodness I have no use for them anyway.

    Pretzel hot pockets? I think I’m in love.

      1. I guess when I said “saw” I should clarify that it was on the internet. I think it was on a pop-up ad for working from home. No, I didn’t just walk into an office in my building and spot this nightmare.

    1. Oh, I know! Angie commenting about her organs just inspired me… You should make a page dedicated entirely to organs that can also double as food. Organ meats! That won’t remind anyone of Hannibal Lector or anything. And you can toss in pictures of bacon, pigs, cows, and cattle prods (all of which is still technically less creepy than pictures of children dressed as adults).

      You’re quite welcome.

      1. Is it a sign of my hunger or my mental state that the phrase “organ meats” is actually making my stomach growl right now? (Then again, I eat Hot Pockets. My tastebuds can’t be trusted.)

        I burst out laughing at “You’re quite welcome.” But you should know I truly was overwhelmed with gratitude.

    2. Nnng, Babs just told me she got busted at work today because she laughed so loudly at your comment! Point for you! I, too, LOL’d for realsies.

      I do think you’re onto something here. If I got desperate, I could just use stills from Toddlers and Tiaras. Like the 3-year-old in the Madonna cone bra. (That was actually one of my first ever blog posts!)

      The pretzel Hot Pockets are UNREAL. When you microwave them, the whole house smells like a g.d. bakery. It’s not even right. (But seriously. It really is a problem. Because I can’t pronounce any of the ingredients, and my tongue feels like wax paper after I eat them. But I’m sure it’s fine. My ovaries are just glowing raisins now.)

  10. Oooh, I am tres intrigued. I saw what you did on Bman’s comment section and me likey. Once you are all proficient and an expert at this stuff, maybe you can give your poor uneducated friends a few pointers? (Me, I’m talking about me, in case you missed that. I’M your friend. I want tips).

    Hmmm, let’s see . . . as to content. I want you to do a page that will be a litmus for your fellow students. I want you to do a page on leggings as pants and all the benefits of wearing them. Feel free to scoop one of my whacked pics as your example. Just see how enthusiastic and/or squirmy the other students/teacher get. If they are all for it, well, it’s gonna be painful. If they cringe, then you know they are our people. Do it!

    1. Misty, my friend! I have to confess, I’m a little a-flutter that you noticed my bold italics over on B’s blog. That was my first time. I hope it was good for you, too.

      You also totally reminded me I DID want to do a PowerPoint tutorial on my blog! (It would be 100% serious. Very dry. Ahem.)

      Since my classmates might read this blog, I have to respond very carefully here to your idea. Guhhh. Sooo many jokes. I don’t think I can respond at all. Dammit.

  11. Maybe a “Who would win in a fight?” line up, but the competitors are things like “Muhammed Ali in his prime vs. 400 skunks” and “An angry kitten vs. a Slinky” and such.

    That’s the best I’ve got. I may be tired…

    1. I see where you’re going here and I like it. It also made me think of my cage fight with Babs, which made me think of my bedazzled ‘NSync fleece shirt, which made me think maybe the whole web page should be about bedazzled wonders. Gasp! Can you imagine the Google images that are probably out there [if you search “bedazzled”]??? And I could pretend they’re all “Designs By Jules.” My classmates know I have a blog (since that’s why I’m in the class), but they don’t know what it’s about…

      OMG. Yes. Great idea, B!

  12. I’m proud of you! I don’t have any ideas. I was, however, recently contacted by someone in film school (my degree 1,000 years ago was Film/ Photography) who spent all this time to ask me to do all these things for his project…due in 2 days. Erm…first of all, asking me to compile photos and write copy is erm…DOING YOUR HOMEWORK? Second of all, 2 days?

    What he *should* have asked is what you’re doing: ideas or running his ideas by to get guidance. I told somebody about it the other day and they said, “Kids!” He’s in his 30s… ;p

    1. Thanks, L! I was just told I have to sign up for two more classes NOW if I want to get the certification, so I hope I’m not too late if I try to go on Saturday morning to register!

      We 30-year-olds (ish) will do anything to get other people to do our homework. (Didja see my fancy-pants italics there?! Listen. It’s the small things, okay? ;))

    1. When the teacher showed us the Adobe package on the school computers, I may have, um, had a moment. It was like, every awesome, expensive program EVER. What I wouldn’t give to get my paws on Photoshop!!!

      Yes. Please cease all workwork immediately. I can send you some of my blog business cards if that helps lend credibility when you explain to your boss what you’re actually working on.

  13. Well, duh.

    The obvious subject should be on what to do in case of a worldwide bacon shortage.

    Also, have no fear with the studies, JD–I just whipped up a steaming hot cup of Ramen noodles that I can share with you. Oh and two rather large glasses of white wine (of course, white goes with chicken flavored packets) You’ll be just fine.

    1. Ha! D-Pants, I’ve been bringing that up about every 7 seconds since you told me about it. I can always count on you to feed me (pun totally intended) only the most pertinent news [bacon] bits.

      Thank you in advance for the two glasses of wine. …Oh. One is for you? Well…I’ll trade you some Ramen noodles for that glass of wine…

  14. How EXCITING!!! I have a total hard-on for higher learning!
    Ohh!!! That could be your webpage! A hard-on for higher learning! And then spotlight various school supplies in compromising positions, all wearing ‘stache glasses to protect their identities.
    ***you’re not fooling ANYONE, you slutty scissors! WE ALL KNOW THAT’S YOU!***

    1. You know who I’ve always had a problem with? The compass. That whore spreads its legs for anyone, and is always all, “Listen, bee-atach, I can run circles around you, and my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard-stick.”

      Wow. Um. I really think you’re onto something here. I didn’t even have to think about that.

  15. Back to school, eh ? I can but admire the higher plane of living you must be on, compared to the mere mortal that I am (I think homework would actually kill me. I’m not sure, but I’m not willing to risk it).

    For your assignment, you could say that since content doesn’t matter, you just copied all the contents of your ‘spam comments’ folder. But I do like the idea about school supplies in compromising positions, as well 🙂

    1. Don’t be too impressed. It’s the least amount of ‘back to school’-level commitment one could possibly make. (One night a week, and non-credited. I don’t even know what having this certification means.)

      I mean… Yes. I am awesome. You should actually fear my awesomeness. Because…it’s that…awesome.

      I am so with you. The spam comments and slutty school supplies are SHOE-INS for making everyone uncomfortable! I am SURE I could find a way to combine the two…

    1. You seriously, SERIOUSLY don’t need to tell me twice. I’ve actually been talking to people about Petey, because Petey is my hero. Yes. Yes I should probably dedicate my first HTML web page to Petey.

  16. I have nothing to offer. I just wanted to say (yet again!) that I love the way you think. Also . . . I’m glad it’s you that’s back in class. I mean that in only the most loving and supportive of ways.

  17. Uncle Jesse. Make a whole webpage from his point of view. Sort of like you are scizopherenic and living vicariously through your beloved dog. (Who is adorable by the way.)

  18. You can’t go wrong with a dog. Especially a really cute dog. I think he needs 3 D glasses, it says “I’m a movie star.” At least that’s what my Baylee dog thougtht when she saw the picture. . I struggle with the stinkin’ techie requirements of my blog. Though you had to eat a bunch of fatty foods, take a four hour test, and study, it is my feeling that info will serve you well.

  19. Just think, this class will likely count for credits in maintaining your PMP. Don’t miss out!

    How about pulling in the statistics on Koro Syndrome (retracting penis). That one should make everyone terribly uncomfortable. You could show cures, some of them are quite unique.

  20. I love classes… and Nutella… which I don’t know how to spell… and which you should write about. You should definitely write about how one of your blog readers likes a certain chocolate hazelnut spread… while on the surface this may seem boring, keep in mind that you are free to take liberties with the story… such as the presence or lack of pants… if that isn’t awkward… I don’t know what is.

  21. But I already finished my homework for the weekend – I wrote a paper on culture for anthropology, yey…. I am taking two classes this semester, yey again. Stuff that will make people uncomfortable hey? You could definitely put up the video of how to fold fitted sheets – maybe it would make them feel shame because they never do it? I tried this weekend, I honestly did – they looked better than normal, will have to keep practicing 😉

  22. The problem with being away from the computer and then coming back is that everyone already said all the good stuff. But, yay, you! I like the bold font. Is that the code you used?

  23. We stumbled over here different page and thought I might as well check
    things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to finding out about your web page repeatedly.

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