Last Sunday, Mother’s Day, I was toiling away at Babs’ house, helping her with a garage sale. She’d decided to use the day as an opportunity to enslave all three of her children.
Aside from the joys of sweating and haggling spending time with my darling mother, I got to giggle at your incoming comment submissions for the “Don’t Lick the Minivan” book giveaway.
I asked you to share a favorite ‘Mom quote’ – either something you’ve said as a mother that you never thought you would, or something your own mother said that you never forgot. Most of you chose the latter. They were all spectacular. Thank you!
Before I announce the winner, though, I thought I’d tell you about my favorite Mom bomb…
Growing up, my parents enjoyed their evening cocktails…
…but Babs always likened drugs and smoking to the worst kind of criminal act. I’d have been better off robbing a bank than sneaking a cigarette.
“I never did drugs,” she told us, time and time again, as we watched our favorite childhood stars get busted for their evil indulgences. “And smoking is the most foul, disgusting habit in the world. Your breath smells and your teeth rot and if you ever take up smoking, well…” She couldn’t even finish that sentence.
Years passed and her three children grew up. What went on behind Pearl Jam poster-covered dorm room doors was a mystery, as far as Babs was concerned.
In my early 20s, thinking maybe the playing field had leveled, I decided to probe.
“So you’re telling me you grew up in the 60s, and you NEVER smoked pot?”
I was sure I knew what was coming. Sweet, innocent Babs paused and then said,
“Oh. Well. Pot’s not a drug.”
I knew it, Babs. I always knew it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And the winner of “Don’t Lick the Minivan” is…
Hiddeninsight from Persuaded2Go!
Hiddeninsight’s entry:
I was taking my friend’s 6-year old son out for a walk a few weeks ago to give her a break (leaving her with the other three…shall I explain why? I think not.)
This is our conversation within the first two minutes.
He pulls a tiny grey stick sword out of his pocket and “lights it” with a red piece of lego. “I don’t normally smoke in front of people…” he says, exhaling long and slow.
Because I’m way cooler than him, I replied. “Oh. I see. Wait a minute…I’m a person!”
He thinks. He inhales another drag on the tiny sword and says, “No you’re not, you’re a woman!”
And that. right. there. is why he quit smoking his toys…giving up the habit in record time.
Happy Mother’s Day (if you’re a real person, that is!)
Congratulations, Hiddeninsight! You slayed me with this one. I’ll be in touch via email!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Go Jules Go 
Your mother should be in charge of the D.A.R.E program.
I think she’d love that. She’s surprisingly motivated.
Awesome! I would have LOVED to be at Babs’ garage sale. I’m guessing there was some fine crap in there. 😉
For folks who STILL want to try to win Leanne’s book, you have another chance at my place tomorrow! Wheeeeeeeee! Book launches are fun!
I made out with the Lite Brite, so now if Babs just shares some of her ‘stash,’ I think there’s gonna be a good time ahead.
Congrats to the winner! And please tell me you guys also had a bake sale with some magic brownies.
DAMN. That would have been a game changer.
Congrats to hiddeninsight!! Her and I have something in common . . . see if you can figure it out when she emails you, Jules! 😉
Wait . . . you smoked pot behind Pearl Jam posters? Aren’t you a little young for that? I would have thought you would have been behind Backstreet Boys/NSYNC or something.
Oooh I would have thought it was just that you’re both ‘hidden from sight,’ but now I’m really curious…
Good catch, Misty Laws, Esq.! That was passive-aggressive way of trying to get my [fairly older] brother and sister into hot water. Also for me to sound cooler. Because we all know I had ‘NSync bobbleheads in my car…when I was…19.
Well, TT (my mother) will be most disappointed to learn that her vagina has once again let a man down. Your babs video or whatever they call those things is making me chuckle, but I’m not sure why.
You’re not sure why? Babs is the shizz-nizzle, that’s why. That clip is from a video I made in the fall where she showed the vlogosphere how to fold a fitted sheet. She REALLY knows how to do it. Seeing is believing.
Congrats to the winner!
Seeing Babs sip that white wine will NEVER get old. She’s a star, Jules!
(Don’t feel bad about the ‘NSync bobble heads – I bought my first Britney Spears CD…when I was 26. I’m a Slave 4 U was my JAM.)
She really is. Just look how she rocks that halo. Actually, she and I saw Britney in concert together a few years ago!
I was hoping you would write and sing a song about not licking minivans! 🙂
I think you’re onto something. Just think of the rhyming possibilities with “lick” and van”…
I’m getting excited just thinking about it!
Oh my god, my radar went off!!! But thankfully, I remembered that your pot toking mother is offended by certain things so I’ll stop. Giggity.
Haha, pot’s not a drug. Your mom’s a hoot.
Congrats to the winner! 🙂
It explains so much, Lilykins, it really does.
Yeah. Well. You asked me that question after I finished the glass, er, bottle of wine. And for the record, I did not inhale.
I can only assume that that’s because it was in brownie form. S’okay, Babs. You’re among friends here.
Hi Babs! Wonderful!
I’m so bitter that I didn’t win. Do you need to enter in order to win?
Man. Rules, right? Buzzkill. I think I really did just kill Babs’ buzz.
Maybe next time I will learn what these rule things are.
I remember when I was a kid and they still sold “candy cigarettes.” That’s just inconceivable now. It’d be like seeing a lego “meth lab” set.
And pot not a drug? I believe your mom could use a little show called “Dragnet,” where detective Joe Friday taught us that, “Marijuana is the flame, heroin is the fuse, LSD is the bomb.”
They still sell candy cigarettes in Australia (cause we are so much tougher than everyone else – you know, killer animals and shit) but they changed the name from ‘Fags’ to ‘Fads’
I was actually wondering about that! Is it becoming politically incorrect for Aussies/Brits to call real cigarettes ‘fags’ now?
We still call cigarettes and gay men ‘Fags’ we don’t really agree with “political correctness”
Ps. Can I disassociate myself from all Aussie’s?!!!! Ha
Ha! They still sold candy cigarettes when *I* was a kid.
“Lego meth lab set”… if you/we can’t do something with that, blog-wise, I’m crawling into a hole and dying. That’s amazing. A meme, at the very least.
Woohoo. Thanks for doing the runaway. I mean giveaway! Send me the address when you get it! 🙂
Leanne! I don’t even know how you have time to be commenting over here! They’re waiting for you on live TV! Go!
(In all seriousness, you’re an inspiration.)
Well played, Babs, well played. Apparently the key to not lying to your children is to make sure you never define the terms you are using. I am definitely going to have to remember this move!
Yes. Yes. Beneath that halo is a whole WORLD of well-crafted manipulation. It gives me chills. In a good way.
Kids say the darnedest things. I think I should have won even without being able to come up with a snappy mother comment, just because I really WANTED to win. That counts for something, right?
Babs really rocks a halo. Did you make a bunch at the garage sale?
The garage sale was supposed to be Sat, but it rained cats and dogs, so even though Babs advertised Sat, she wound up doing it Fri and Sun. I thought she was toast, especially because Sunday was Mother’s Day. But she was SHOCKED by how many people came on Fri – people who were like, “I saw the signs on my way to work, and I can never resist a garage sale!”
Pot is definitely not a drug. Didn’t your parents teach you anything! Well, clearly they did!
Their work here is done.
Both of those stories are so amazing. “Smoking his toys”. . . man oh man I almost died.
Yay!!! Back from vacation now and feeling the happy clatter of the laundry machine and binging of emails 🙂 Glad you liked it…sent you a reply today.
Yay!!! You’re back! I just emailed you / shipped the book (and ordered a copy for myself, tee hee)! CONGRATS!!