Blogging, Family Ties, Giveaway Junkie

Mother’s Day is NOT an Excuse for Licking Minivans (GIVEAWAY!)

Babs-I-love-Mom***DISCLAIMER: As with most Go Jules Go giveaways, this one is sponsored by yours truly. All opinions expressed belong to Numero Uno.***

Happy Mother’s Day, Childbearing Chipmunks!

I know I just wrote about how much I prefer dogs to kids, but I’m glad not everyone feels that way.

Babs Sheet Go Jules Go
Like Babs.

Last Mother’s Day, I went the epic haiku route, which as we all know, is impossible to top.

Or is it? (In one case, yes.)

Don't do it, Jules...
Don’t do it, Jules…

One of my favorite moms, Leanne Shirtliffe of Ironic, has a NEW BOOK out this month! An actual book! She’s living the bloggy dream! Even The Bloggess is touting it, unsurprisingly, as “awesome.”

But… but…

Like any wise parent, Leanne knows the best reason for having kids is the writing material. Don’t Lick the Minivan (and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kidsfeatures uproarious tales from Leanne’s wild and wacky twin-filled world. I’m particularly excited to read about the birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.

She really used a bowl. I swear.
She really used a bowl. I swear.

While Babs never gave me any skin rashes, she did subject all three of her children to the infamous bowl haircut. And in a stroke of cruel genius, this year, she decided to have a garage sale on Mother’s Day, thereby guaranteeing slave labor during one of the hottest, muggiest Mother’s Day weekends on record.

So while my brother, sister and I are haggling, sweating and hopefully drinking from cleverly disguised water bottle-flasks, I thought I’d reward you fine folks with a giveaway! At least one of us should have some fun today.



One (1) copy of Don’t Lick the Minivan (and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids) by Leanne Shirtliffe. Will be shipped on or after May 22, 2013.


Simply leave a comment below describing a favorite ‘mom quote’ moment – either something your mother said (or loves to say…repeatedly…), or something you’ve said as a mom that you never thought you would. (For more great ‘mom quote’ moments, head over to Ironic Mom!)

I’ll ever-so-subjectively pick a winner based on humor and originality.


Sunday, May 19, 2013, 12pm NOON EST. Winner announced Monday, May 20, 2013, 7am EST.


54 thoughts on “Mother’s Day is NOT an Excuse for Licking Minivans (GIVEAWAY!)”

  1. Okay, best quote ever from my mom, an Italian.
    Me: Oh, huh…on this day in history, Mussolini was hung
    Mom: Who was Mussolini?
    Me: You don’t know who Mussolini was?!
    Mom: Wasn’t he a painter?
    Me:…….Maybe in his spare time, but that’s why you should know the name…

  2. Whilst driving home from a school basketball game, my mom declared: “I like watching those boys play, they have smooth balls” (referring to their dribbling skills, not their grooming skills). She will never live that down.

  3. Pardon the long intro. My Grandmother rented rooms in her home not far from the Jersey shore. We’d often go to the boardwalk, then visit Nanny and deal with her strange assortment of geriatric tenants, including Tilly, who was 175 years old and very confused. One night, my brother had won a record album and wanted desperately to play it upon returning to Nan’s house. The record album in question was “In A Gadda Da Vida” by Iron Butterfly. He put it on at high volume at around 10 PM in my grandmother’s living room. My mother was horrified by both the volume and the heavy metal sound. She barked “Michael! Turn that down! Tilly will wake up and think she’s in hell!”
    That had to be 40 years ago, and it’s still hysterical, at least to my brothers and me.

      1. Perhaps Tilly has passed on, or she’s closing in on 215 years of age. I’m sure the closest she ever came to hell was hearing a few bars of Iron Butterfly. She’s undoubtedly been in heaven for sometime, listening to Lawrence Welk on her Beats headphones (that way she doesn’t inadvertantly make anyone else’s heaven somewhat less perfect)

        1. That was the very first album I ever owned and I still have it. When I first heard the thrilling, deep tones, I thought I had died and gone to music heaven; acid rock hell division.

            1. I personally prefer The Simpsons: “And now, please rise for our opening hymn, uhhh, ‘In the Garden of Eden’ by I. Ron Butterfly.”

              1. I’d throw both of those parodies to the side for a blog name as stupendous as “Nagzilla” ! I’ve never read your blog, but I’m going to follow you right now, based entirely on that incredible name.

  4. My mom was always experimenting with new recipes, trying to find that perfect blend of healthy, new, tasty, and just totally obscure. The winner was something called “peanut butter soup.” That became code for years for “a little too weird.”

    1. Hay Zeus you were up early enough to fly to Jersey and help sell these printers from 1997 and Thomas the tank engine trains!

      I don’t think she should have given up on that recipe. Serious potential.

  5. A few came to mind, but they’re not nearly as funny as those that have already been shared, which explains why all these people are so funny themselves!

    A Mother’s Day garage sale is indeed a stroke of marketing (and staffing) genius. Hope you all have a splendiferous day.

    1. Thanks, Debbie! The weather is cooperating today, huzzah! We’re donating the money to two animal shelters and some people are just giving money, which is awesome.

  6. When I was about 7 or 8 I learned what sex was and had come home very disturbed that day. Immediately, I ran to my mom for some comfort and to ask questions.

    Me:” mom, I know what sex is. you and dad don’t do THAT do you?”

    My mom:” yes, very regularly and you should feel lucky your parents still do after this long of marriage, now go play outside”
    This was considered my “birds and the bees” talk

  7. Mine likes to say “did I ever tell you (knowing full well she has many times) that you weighed nearly 10 pounds at birth? Do you know what the head of a 10 pound baby does to a lady’s vagina? I used to have a pretty great vagina. Your fatha really used to like my vagina, you know, Don. After you it just became the butt of all the tunnel jokes he could think of. But, I understand if you’re too busy to bring me a diet Coke, dear.”

    1. I was going to yell at you for this comment, but Babs just told me it made her laugh out loud, so this Mother’s Day, you win at life Don.

      Unfortunately for you, though, Babs isn’t judging this contest.

      1. Aww, but I’d rather win the book! Thank goodness for Babs. I know your blog is PG and I wasn’t sure if vagina was too hairy to put out there in these comments or not. I figured since my mom said it, that it would be ok. I’ll clam up now and go pray that you pick the most deserving winner.

  8. Brace yourself. My mom was once telling me and 3 of my friends about safe sex and actually said, “Use a condom and if you can’t find one use anything…cling wrap, a zip lock bag, anything.” I was mortified. I can appreciate the intention but geeeeeez!

  9. I was taking my friend’s 6-year old son out for a walk a few weeks ago to give her a break (leaving her with the other three…shall I explain why? I think not.)

    This is our conversation within the first two minutes.

    He pulls a tiny grey stick sword out of his pocket and “lights it” with a red piece of lego. “I don’t normally smoke in front of people…” he says, exhaling long and slow.

    Because I’m way cooler than him, I replied. “Oh. I see. Wait a minute…I’m a person!”

    He thinks. He inhales another drag on the tiny sword and says, “No you’re not, you’re a woman!”

    And that. right. there. is why he quit smoking his toys…giving up the habit in record time.

    Happy Mother’s Day (if you’re a real person, that is!)

  10. Oh, Leanne’s book — I want it!

    God, there are just so many things my mom has said. Just add Jeezum Crow or rice cakes to any comment of hers and you’ve got a gem.

    Things I’ve said to my own kids:

    No, we do not yell “Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!” in the bra section at Wal-Mart.

    No, we do not come to the dinner table wearing only boots. With our underwear on our heads.

    Please stop putting mac-n-cheese in my purse.

    (as you can guess, my list is pretty endless….)

  11. I CANNOT compete with these . . . but I really want the book. Drats!

    My mom has no sense of humor, so when she’s funny, it’s unintentionally, and usually painfully so. She’s visiting today. I’ll get back to you . . .

  12. Oh jeeze, I might have TOO much material for this one.
    Mom gets mixed up quite easily. Instead of something being “the shit”…like the kids say…she says it’s “the shits”.
    And then there’s the usual….”by god, I brought you into this world…I can take you out.” Yeah…I dare you.

  13. My mom used to ALWAYS say, “You get more with honey than you do with vinegar.” I NEVER understood what she meant until…probably last year. (This goes to show what kind of terror I was as a child – always with the vinegar, never with the honey.)

  14. Sometimes I burp….really loud and my mom will middle name me (like Phoebe does to Joey on Friends) and say “I raised you better than that!” to which I usually reply “apparently you didn’t *burp*.”
    Sometimes I (then) get slapped.

  15. I have to pick ONE moment?! But…but… That’s haaard!! My step mom, who is my mom in every sense of the word except the part about giving birth to me, is one hilarious woman… But these quotes.. I don’t know if I can compete… And I really wanted that book!! The only quote I can think of off the top of my head was “I’m going to beat you like a red headed step child!” At the time, my hair was red, and I’m indeed a step child…
    Oh, and to wake me up, she would come in my room, whisper my name a few times, and then jump on me and “body slam” me. Talk about an awesome alarm clock….

  16. MOM: (Shouting as she heads for the front door) “I’m going out, Bobby, so you can watch those “movies” you like so much!”
    ME: “Okay, Mom! Bear in mind that I have to kill myself now.”

  17. “No, I am not buying chocolate porn cops!” Said to my son after he sees nestle commercial for what he believes are chocolate Corn Pops, which he mixes up all the time and calls Porn Cops.

  18. I say this to my kids all the time: I don’t care if you hate me because it means I am doing things right. I am your mother, not your friend. When you are a parent and have a child just like you, you will understand what I went through. Then, and only then, we can be friends.

  19. When my daughter repeatedly asked for Fruity Pebbles cereal while grocery shopping: “No, for the last time, I’m not going to let you eat pure sugar for breakfast. Kids who eat that for breakfast have moms who don’t really love them.” I’m a wench.

  20. ooo book looks hilarious.

    My mother REGULARLY tells me that if I don’t wear a scarf outside when its 60 degrees or lower than I will 100% catch a cold even though I have repeatedly sent her articles about how you don’t get a cold from being cold and that scarves are not medicine!

  21. My Grandma essentially raised me, and one of my favorite quotes EVER from her was, “Ouch! That’s bigger than my cucumber!” If you want to read the backstory/context (which truthfully makes it that much more amusing), you can read it here.

  22. The BEST advice my Mom gave me was this…. I asked her “how do you know what the right thing to do is?” She replied to me “well, if you are ever in a situation where you don’t know what to do….” “pretend that I am standing on one side of you and your Dad is standing on the other side”. “Now, what would you choose to do?” WOW, that hit home with me big time and I never forgot that ever. I have always chosen to do the right thing as if my parents were standing right there next to me. Great advice Mom!

  23. Today I yelled at my son out the window “get out of that tree!”

    While my mom was here for the Listen to Your Mother show last week she told me once an hour, “Make sure you don’t talk too fast tonight.” It was super helpful and didn’t add to my anxiety at ALL. 😉

  24. (Convo w/4 yo son) Me – I don’t know why I paid extra for your ears, you never use them. Kid – You bought me in pieces? Me – No, I’m cheap I got the package deal but looking back I could have saved a few bucks.

    A close second would be the time (age 5) I was so tired of telling him to get out of the street w/his bike that I put my beer down, told him to get IN the street so I could run him over. If anyone was going to have the satisfaction of hitting the kid it might as well be me right?

    I’ll email you with the address to send the Mother of the Year Award.

  25. This may be terrible, but throughout my entire childhood my mother would say, “Just remember dear, we WANTED you so we picked you. You’re not an accident in the back seat of a car like your friends – so be thankful.” (I was adopted) It use to make me feel special until I had kids of my own, then I resented her for saying that. Ha! 🙂

  26. Last Mother’s Day, I completely forgot and it was the day that my brother was coming home from Paris. I texted him at 2 in the morning telling him to buy something and continued to text him until about 5 in the morning – knowing that we would probably be never allowed back in the house without getting Mum something (yes. that was sarcasm. don’t call the police). Anyway – what does he get? A salt shaker.

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