Blogging, Lists, Uncle Jesse

Dogs Are Better Than Babies. So Trade Yours, Don.

Today things get ugly. As ugly as your babies. I kid, I kid.

Grab your boxing gloves, Chipmunks, because Don, of don of all trades, and I are going head-to-head over:

Dogs vs. Babies


We each get up to ten points to make our case. Don may be a father, lawyer and cop, but totally lets me boss him around little does this man-of-allegedly-every-occupation know, I have experience in blog debates. Many moons ago, Third Husband proposed we discuss the merits (or lack thereof) of Glee, and I think we can all agree that after taking a slushie to the face, I emerged the clear victor.

Sweet, sweet, cherry-flavored victory.
Sweet, sweet, cherry-flavored victory.

I’m a little scared to read Don’s opposing argument, though. Not because I’m worried about valid points, god no, but because he’s a shamelessly verbose, terrible person with zero filter; there’s no telling where he’ll take this. He’s already cursed and posted fake sonogram pictures on my Facebook wall, sending both my mother and mother-in-law into a frenzy:

Don's caption? "Awesome...SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!"
Don’s caption? “Awesome…SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!”

So, Don. As much as I like to play dirty, get your mind out of the gutter and grab the leash (that one’s just killing you, isn’t it?). By the time you’re through reading this, you’ll be ready to trade your ten thousand sticky offspring for a downy-soft ‘doodle.

Why Dogs Doodles Are Better Than Babies

1. They sleep a lot.

Like, a lot a lot. Soooo much.
Like, a lot a lot. Soooo much.

2. They’re not smart enough for college (can you spell S-A-V-I-N-G-S?).


3. They don’t bug you when you’re hungover sick.

I'll be here. If you need me. Remote's by your pillow.
I’ll be here. If you need me. Remote’s by your pillow.

4. They understand Full House quotes at 10 weeks old.

5. You get to pick the cartoons / car music.

None of this creepy sh*t.
None of this creepy sh*t.

6. No back talk.

Though they may judge you with their incredibly soulful eyes.
Just incredibly telling soulful gazes.

7. Chick / Hunk magnet.

We are a HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF AARP, crowd.
HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF, I mean, AARP crowd.

8. As long as you feed them regularly, they don’t judge your alcohol dependency.

Okay maybe a little.
I think he’s just hungry.

9. You get to pick their halloween costumes. Indefinitely.

Hakuna matata, dog owners. DYFS is just for humans.
Hakuna matata, dog owners. DYFS is just for humans.

10. You don’t have to deal with other dogs’ parents if you don’t want to.

Although everyone knows 'dog people' are a superior breed.
Although everyone knows ‘dog people’ are a superior breed.

Note how I kept this nice and short, for your reading pleasure. Because I care about you, and respect your time, Debate Decision-makers. Unlike some people.

I look forward to hearing how right I am. (In case you missed it, here’s the link to Don’s inferior opposing argument.)

Did I miss any reasons why dogs are better than rug rats?


133 thoughts on “Dogs Are Better Than Babies. So Trade Yours, Don.”

  1. Jules,
    Convincing arguments, I’ll give you that… But. They only thing better than babies is… no babies. None. Silence.


    A Himalayan cat. Blue point preferably. It will sit by the window all day, and look pretty. Only occasionally, if not rarely, will it come and sit on your lap. They win. Everything.
    Le Clown

    1. I’m with the clown. (Wow, I never thought I’d write THAT sentence.)

      You KNOW I failed Puppy-101. Cats rock, even if we weren’t able to keep ours, he was so fabulous. Best 21 days of our lives. Until Hubby’s inferior DNA, er, I mean, allergies kicked in. And you know I love TechSupport, but he’s almost 14 now. Did you ever notice I only have one kid? Yeah. Those baby days knocked me on my ass. I may have to abstain on this one.

      But look at it this way, a non-vote for either of you is not a vote against you.


      1. What is it about cat allergies that makes them the Big Momma Jamma of allergies? Either you’re not allergic, or you’re ‘I can’t even be in the same house as a cat for more than 2 seconds’ allergic.

    2. Le Clown,

      Ooh. I now realize we should have had two more people in on this, debating the merits of ‘loneliness’ ‘nothing’ and ‘cats.’

      I think this means the Himalayan won. Again.


  2. Yes you missed a couple important ones. 1} Crate training w/out Child Services intervention. 2} Never, ever arguing about what’s for dinner. And most importantly my dogs know how not to pee on the bathroom floor. Teenage boy? Notsomuch.

    1. Hear hear! Excellent points, inDEEd (see what I did there?)! I’d like to include them as an addendum… That’s not cheating, right? (Another dog bonus: They don’t call you out when you cheat.)

      1. They don’t call you out on anything. That’s why my pups know my deepest secrets. I’ve concluded that the biggest downfall of mankind is opposable thumbs. It’s what makes canines the superior race/breed.

  3. Hey – Jules. Your argument is totally better. Babies suck. I would add two other arguments. 1. Dogs don’t make all the other passengers want to kill you when traveling by plane. 2. Dogs don’t spit up on your favorite shirt.
    Maybe that’s just me.

    1. Why THANK YOU, I wholeheartedly agree. And incidentally, I still have my whole heart, because some tiny human didn’t steal it.

      Now that I’m thinking about it… I suppose the fact that one has to bounce their baby up and down and pace the airplane aisle for 4 hours on a flight to Houston could be a point in Don’s favor, because that seems like it burns more calories.

      1. Yes, I agree. Temporarily. But then when the other passengers form a lynch mob and hang the offending parent out the emergency doors it sort of cancels out any weight loss achievement. Might be safer just to do some squats at the hotel once they land.

        1. Mmm. True, true. And ‘having’ to walk your dog really is a fantastic point for the ‘pro’ column. I should have shown ‘before and after Uncle Jesse’ pics of me. Oh wait. Don already did. 😉

    2. I get drunk on the plane and point at my own crying kid and say Jesus, SOMEBODY shut this kid up!!! with the rest of the mob. They’re little people, they have independence and should be treated as such, sometimes.

      1. Btw Don tries hard with his ‘dogs eat their poop’ slam attempt but what he misses is that 1} they clean up after themselves & 2} cut down on food costs by recycling waste. How conscientious of the lil buggers.

  4. You’ve sold me! The “watch the hair” trick was enough. Whenever the kids start driving us up a wall (which is often) Jim always turns to me and says, “I wanted a dog.” And that is true, he really did.

    My new goal in life is to get a pack of dogs and dress them all in matching sweaters in hats and take them for walks. Crazy cat lady will have nothin’ on me.

    1. True story. I was once waiting to be part of an entry team on a search warrant and was leaning against a tree (mind you I work in an urban area) when I saw a wiener dog with a Scottish looking sweater crest a hill walking in the middle of the street. flanking that one were two more wiener dogs both with the same sweater. There were five or six more without sweaters also in a group walking in a V formation like a bunch of land geese! They walked towards us all bad ass looking and made a left into an alley like they were on a mission. One of the top 5 damndest things I’ve seen as a cop. My description doesn’t do the hilarity of it justice.

  5. I very much appreciate that you kept this short…because I just read somebody’s post and YEAH. Great argument! In my opinion, a negative to having dogs is that they never grow up. They will forever poop and you will forever be responsible for that. But other than that… 😀 I’m totally with you!

    1. Seriously. Unless Don’s talking about how good-looking I am, I don’t want to hear it.

      The trick to the poop thing is to get a big yard and train your dog to go really far out there, and then pretend the poop doesn’t exist.

      1. That’s an excellent point. Of course, when Cool hits 13, Uncle Jesse will be nearing his hole in the backyard. How sad is that? You get all attached to this beast and then he’s going to up and die on you after little more than a decade together? Of course, I guess you can just get another Uncle Jesse, right?

          1. It’s true – and some dogs surprise you, mine is 16 already and still plugging right along! When I was 18 and adopted a 2 year old dog I was not expecting to still have her in my 30’s but here she is and I am glad 🙂 and the sleeping a lot thing especially true once they get into their second decade, it’s nice.

        1. I purposely picked dogs that will live just as long as a teenager would live in my home so either way my “kid” would end up in a hole – the difference is that the dogs won’t be bumming cash from Mom to cover living expenses. 🙂

  6. Hmmm, I’m not sure you rocked this one, I really, really fell for Don’s little helpers argument myself. And even though I would love to have a dog (since I’m a little too late for babies) I’m not sure I could find a doodle as nice as uncle Jessie. So I guess that is out of the question. Really I don’t know about any of this stuff, but I loved the debate! Keep ‘m coming. 😉

    1. *gasp* I can’t believe you made it through Don’s whole post. I only did because he talked about me so much. 😉

      Then again, you also complimented the superiority of my dog, so, I count that as a vote for me in terms of winning at life.

      Thank you!

      1. Yeah, I’m obsessive that way…
        You both made excellent points, so how about a neutral vote until I get the chance of at least trying one option 😉

        1. Niiiiice. I think I technically just neutralized a Don vote.

          This is a good day for me. Besides, Don won’t even notice. He’s got 80 kids to not look after while he drinks his Bud Lite Lime.

          1. haha, I think it means you are craving sunshine and sipping wine on a porch in Mexico looking out over your field of cantaloupes. And that’s exactly what it stands for 😉

  7. I love kids but I love Uncle Jesse more and we know he can’t have kids, so we’re happy as a childless couple.

      1. Listen, you take two thoroughbreds like us and it’s only going to diminish. It’s like when royalty intermarried and ended up with hemophilia and worse (you know what I’m talking about).

  8. It seems like people are glossing over the really central issue, which is this: I’m pretty sure you got schooled in the “Glee” Point/Counter-point.

    And I don’t know how you got such a perfect “I judge you for your drinking” dog picture, but well done.

    1. Blogger PLEASE. You’re all “misogynistic undertones” and other valid points and broody half faces and that’s not what wins arguments. And you’d better not make me cry, because even Doodle McPointedStares knows tears win every argument.

    1. Huzzah! Uncle Jesse is technically 21 and we should both be embarrassed that he still lives at home and doesn’t have a job, but apparently this is entirely socially acceptable.

      1. It’s only socially acceptable for dogs. We are beginning pounding into the kids’ heads that they will always have a safe place to stay with us. However, after 21 it will become increasingly uncomfortable and awkward due to things like giving their rooms away to their younger siblings and charging them rent to sleep in the laundry room.

  9. Jules, as the proud owner of 4 human children and zero dogs, I can say with 100% certainty that dogs must be better. Dogs may get the occasional dingleberry, but they would NEVER ask you to remove it.

    1. Exactly, Heidi. My dog, Uncle Jesse, merely asks that we take him to the groomer and pay obscene amounts of money for ‘professionals’ to take care of it.

  10. While you make some valid points, I will disagree that dogs are better than children. Dogs are the same as children. Seriously. I was a one and done kind of girl with my child. Why? We had considered giving her a little brother or sister. Then we got the dog. And I said, “Nope. Not doing this again.” So while she loves the dog, she understands that the mutt totally ruined her chances of ever having a little sibling to torment.

    And I’ll tell you what I told Don: Neither of you are right. I’m with Le Clown and Renee- Cats win.

    1. Oh dear. She loves the dog now, but I see dark days and lots of therapy ahead. “My dog is the reason I’m an only child and all of the pressure was on me to succeed.”

      See the mocking that occurs when you sit in Camp Meow Mix (which is a lot like sitting in a litter box)? 😉

      1. Oh honey, way ahead of you. We don’t have a college fund- she’s smart enough to get scholarships. We do, however, have a “long-term therapy” fund. Just in case.

        1. See now that’s just good sense. I applaud you. Or I will, when my therapy session’s over. Doc says I get distracted to easily as a way to avoid facing difficult truths. Like my love of 90210.

  11. I was really struggling with this until I got to Number 9. I love dogs and babies equally.

    Uncle Jesse will always be at your mercy and will only want to be a zombie cheerleader if/when YOU decide you’re ready for that.

    If my daughter is reading this, yes, I am still broken-hearted. You were such a beautiful flutterby. ::sob::

  12. Uncle Jesse is so, so precious. I feel like his glances and stares bore into my soul.

    You win, Jules. Obviously. No baby can compete with that video of puppy Uncle Jesse.

    1. I was actually noticing as I put this post together that he really does stare RIGHT into the camera – he makes amazing eye contact with us all the time, but the camera thing is bugging me out.

      Thank you for speaking the truth, Rache. I can always count on you.

  13. My Google alerts just notified me that my testicles were mentioned on this blog.
    Real men have doodles. Having a tough looking dog is the equivalent of a middle aged man driving around in a flashy sports car, clearly compensating for some other shortcomings.
    PS: Uncle Jesse once bitch slapped a pit bull with his nimble doodle paws. True story.

    1. I intended for this comment to appear on Don’s post. Unfortunately, in order to do that, I would have had to scroll down to the end of the post to submit a comment. After a few hours of scrolling, my fingers cramped up on me and my ears started to pop and I had to give up. I’ll give it another try tomorrow when I’m done petting my shnoodle doodle.

      1. Somewhere in here are the ingredients for a clever comment about your having testicles leading to you having a stronger wrist and you being able to scroll longer, but I can’t pull it together.

  14. Sorry, clown, and those who agree with clown, cats will always be a distant second to dogs. Cats are ok, just not as great as dogs. Also, both are much better than babies, because you can’t accidentally adopt a dog or cat!

  15. This is perfect. Just perfect. I don’t even have to read the rebuttal because there IS no rebuttal. I’m sending this to my mom next time she asks why I don’t have kids. Thanks!

    (I was sent here by Dee from DeeConstructed. I owe her a big fat THANK YOU.)

    1. Yayyy Thanks, Dee! And hi, Katie! I think I make a little piece of Babs’ (my mom’s) soul die every time I blog about kids (or lack thereof), but I do it for her own good. I don’t want her to get her hopes up.

  16. The wonderful Don pointed me here, and I couldn’t be happier. Consider me a new fan, and yes, my wife and I only have a dog. Sunny will never cure cancer, but she’ll also never get stressed and try to kill herself because she failed to live up to the expectations of trying to cure cancer.

    1. I’m doing a victory lap right now! Not because of the argument, but because of ‘meeting’ you!

      I feel like maybe Sunny will cure cancer one day. Just don’t pressure her.

        1. Your response was perfect. Thank God, I thought I was going to make it all day without being called something with “dick” in it! Jules’ followers are too polite.

          1. Now now, you two. Just remember Babs (my mom) reads this blog.

            And all the comments.

            I wouldn’t care but she buys me really cool presents. It would be more cool if she were gay, but we can’t have it all, can we?

            1. I have 2 daughters and a dog……I prefer my children….mainly because they don’t lick their own arseholes and then instantly attempt to lick my face.
              Also, my kids don’t eat out of bin bags……eat their own shit or urinate excitedly when new people come to the house.
              Apart from that……dogs are smashing.

    1. Coming in neutral for this round, Marta. I can’t say I don’t respect that (though I can say I disrespect my own use of double negatives… my head hurts).

  17. Kind of, but I did eventually manage to train my babies to clean up their own sick and poo…….maybe if The Wonder Dog lives another twenty years I’ll be able to make a better comparison, but the puppy and baby stage were pretty much on an equal footing for me. We just got given more gifts with the babies. P.S hope you like the magnificent mustachios I wore for my daughters wedding, best compliment I’ve had so far is that they were worthy of Agatha Christies Poirot. High praise indeed, as I did in fact order the finest and largest mustachios Belgium can produce.

    1. Hmmm… good point re: the gifts… Okay. Point to Don. SIGH.

      And YES, I am totally captivated by your new gravatar!! You get two chipmunk thumbs up for SURE for ordering those for your daughter’s wedding (and congrats to her!) – it looks like you had a blast!

  18. Checked out both sides annnndd…

    I reckon you should just stick with Uncle Jesse. I mean, come on! He’s adorable! And he won’t get into an awkward non-adorable stage where he hates you and doesn’t want to be around you and does things you have no idea about. He’ll always be there for cuddles. And you’d get strange looks if you named your kid after the amazing, awesome Jesse from Full House. But it’s fine to name your dog after a TV show character!!!

    In my (unfortunately) dog-less and (fortunately currently) childless eyes, you win.

  19. I just followed you, which is embarrassing because I followed you the first time I came across your awesomeness and love of chipmunks. I must have gotten excited while reading another one of your posts and hit unfollow thinking I was hitting follow. Now it’s a superfollow™…I voted for babies on Don’s post, but that was before I read yours, which said doodles, not just dogs. I was thinking of a rat terrier when I voted – I’ll leave it up to the official judges. Either way, Uncle Jesse seems amazing, the slushy-to-the-face video makes you my hero, and Don’s kids are so cute it doesn’t even make sense. I posted links to both sides of this epic battle because everyone’s life will suck if they miss it. You’re fabulous, and I’m following you. For real this time. Hooray!

  20. My dog eats her own poop and stops when I yell out the screen door. My daughter eats her boogers and denies it, then hides them next to her bed where I can’t monitor her. You have a point.

  21. I was scrolling and scrolling and then came across the sonogram! Yeah I’m like that when on your blog as your photo sharing simply captures me – and then I would back track and read content. I was in a frenzy that whooaa Jules’ having a baby? I must say Congrats!.. And then awww… heheh. Well, I have one active-who-doesn’t-know-what-tired-means-rug-rat here, so I don’t blame ya if you think doodles are better than babas. LOL. But still, I love this little bean to bits and our little cuddles are the most effective stress-reliever for me! Oh, I should point out, I’m a big scaredy cat of dogs.

    1. Well with AJ, I can hardly blame you for being on Team Baby! He is precious! And Don really played dirty with that sonogram picture – I’m surprised my mom didn’t have a heart attack!

  22. I’m with you lady, dog babies all the way! Maybe not doodles for me because I live in an apartment and have always had little dogs, but my friend has a golden doodle named Asha who I visit and she’s quite lovely 🙂 but yes, all puppies all the time… and maybe some goats if we move out to the country. Mmmm goat cheese.

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