Kvetching, New Jersey is breathtaking, PSAs

WTF? You’ve Been SERVED.

citation note pads

Earlier this week I told you about THOSE G.D. CHURCH BELLS that go off at ALL HOURS one block from my new apartment.

Church-bells

After four months in this neighborhood, I’m starting to wonder what the ever-loving chipmunks is going on. The church bells are just the beginning. Odder still, this town is a mere two miles from where I grew up, and yet it’s as if I’ve stepped into The Upside Down. Nothing here makes sense, and it’s starting to scare me.

stranger-things-winona-rider
New Jersey: As confounding as Winona Ryder’s comeback.

Since everyone else seems to have accepted this lunacy as status quo, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.

That’s right.

Go Jules Go, keeper of peace, server of justice, lover of being alone and eating peanut butter straight from the jar without any interruptions thank you very much, HAS ARRIVED.

Jules-old-timey-sheriff
Helloooo, sweet, cinnamon-swirly justice!

First order of business? Handing out citations to the town’s most egregious offenders. Aside from His-Church-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, behold:

CITATION #1

Wile-e-coyote

A few weeks ago, someone left -I’m not making this up- a red package labeled “TNT” on top of a mailbox on my block. A passerby notified the police, and within moments, the bomb squad arrived. These cartoonish hijinx shut down my street and kept me from enjoying the eight cases of wine I’d just purchased from Trader Joe’s for an entire hour.

WTF-citation-coyote

CITATION #2

sad-dessert

Hi. Meet my dessert. She comes from a restaurant around the corner from my apartment, where they also consider Bachelorette tea parties the height of merriment. Don’t they know it’s not dessert unless you hate yourself afterwards?

WTF-citation-dessert

CITATION #3

citation-tree

The town center’s crowning Christmas jewel, and the view from my living room all December long.

WTF-citation-tree

CITATION #4

And last, but certainly not least…

Neighbor-note-doctored

I found this note in my mailbox on Tuesday, from someone I had only briefly met when I first moved in. “Phoebe” later revealed her question via text: “Hey, would you be interested in swapping apartments [from your studio to my much more expensive 1-bedroom]? My boyfriend and I just broke up :(.”

WTF-citation-neighbor

I’m sure this won’t be the last of the nefarious acts in my new topsy-turvy world. Stay tuned. Stay vigilant. Stay safe. Sheriff Jules, over and out.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Any heinousness happening in your neighborhood?

~*~*~*~*~*~

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12 thoughts on “WTF? You’ve Been SERVED.”

  1. Well, there was the time that I came home from work to my quiet little suburban street to find 5 cops cars at my neighbor’s carrying boxes out of his house. This nerdy, church-going, be-speckled neighbor was taken out in handcuffs and thrown in jail for child porn. Maybe he needed more church bells?

  2. I don’t think you can blame Phoebe for trying. You never know who may be looking to move – and you, with your stacks and stacks of the blank WTF forms, certainly looked like someone in need of a bigger place.

  3. Hmmmmmm – okay the gifts on the pole in front of your apartment, that is just weird!! And um, sure you will switch apartments and pay a shit ton more money every month….no!

    You are definitely living a unique, charmed life in that new neighborhood!

    1. I had been so distracted by the tree that I only noticed all of the other things (like the gifts) when I went to post the photo here! I’m surprised those weren’t labeled “TNT.”

  4. Sounds like you have entered the Twilight Zone called: small town, USA. This would be the towns who are very rural and backward, but try hard to stay up with the Jones. I know because I kinda live in one of those towns. Very quiet and nice most of the time, but there are those moments. You mentioned 4. My favorite, personally, came from another such town I lived in when married to my, then, second wife. I was driving our van down the road and a tire blew really loud and hard. I stopped and, upon inspection, the metal cap for the “water services” in the road had come loose. My front tire had flipped it on end and the back tire was completely slashed. I pulled off the road and walked to a nearby house on the street. An older man answered and told me he was the Chief of Police and that I should take the car to (gave the person’s name) at the local garage and he would give me a new tire and charge it to the city. I did and he did and I never had to fill out any paperwork at all! Where in big cities could you ever do that?
    Scott

    1. That is amazing! This town wishes it was Small Town, U.S.A., but it got its Yuppyville card the moment it closed down Woolworth and put a GAP next to a Banana Republic next to a Starbucks next to a Panera. There are so many people in NJ that the only thing small is your bank account balance after paying property taxes.

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