Recently, my friend Dakota asked, “If you could acquire any two skills during quarantine, what would they be?”
Apparently, running three marathons in nine days didn’t count.
Based on Dakota’s prompt, I wrote a blog post within minutes. Before I could hit ‘Publish,’ SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENED.
A deep-seated wish come true.
A phoenix rising from the ashes!
A…much better version of the post I’d already drafted…what the f#%@?!
After 3+ years of waiting and peer pressuring hoping, my bloggy BFF, sparring partner, and doppleganger, The Byronic Man, HAD A NEW POST.
This is the part where I could have put up photos of B-Man in drag, but I’m a good friend.
And it looked like not much had changed: HE WAS STILL INSIDE MY HEAD. So, I’ll let him cover the quarantine goals category, and I’ll gladly move on, my party hat slap bracelet firmly in place. (Although it’s worth noting that I already had the rest of this post written as part of my original draft, including the retro B-Man shout-out.)
Acquiring new skills seems kinda hard, anyway. Besides, if these are end times (and who says they aren’t?), what are the most marketable skills we already possess? How can we prove to our quarantine comrades that they shouldn’t eat us first? I’ll take a crack at it, and then I want to hear from you!
Go Jules Go’s Quarantine Survival Skills
I…
1. …give fantastic compliments. Did you know you’re the only person I write this blog for?
2. …can make anything out of raw cashews.
3. …can sew. …Assuming you only need cute Christmas ornaments.
4. …have long arms = strong selfie game.
5. …will carry 15 extra pounds up a mountain if it means we get to have potato quesadillas in the morning.
- FACT.
6. …know how to say 1,000+ words in French. None of them go together, but never mind that.
7. …write excellent thank you notes. This can only help our diplomacy efforts with neighboring communities.
8. …know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. Wait, we’re talking about fitted sheets, right?
9. …understand the ancient art of numerology. Sort of. I’m pretty sure we can stop worrying about 666.
10. …am a follower. Even though my head was clearly made for a crown, I’m most comfortable standing in someone else’s shadow and won’t upset the group dynamics.
11. …don’t really understand the ancient art of numerology and think that ending on #11 means we won’t die. (My superstitions could save us all.)
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So, what are your top quarantine/end of days skillz?
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Go Jules Go 
While I have a visceral aversion to nuts and will avoid your raw cashew concoctions like the plague, I admit to being in awe of your gorilla arm selfies. Kudos.
I promise never to use my gorilla arms to hand you cashews. Vodka only.
Agreed.
Though after vodka? No selfies!
i can solve complex jigsaw and crossword puzzles, as i have lots of time to work on them and let my brain help, my kindergarten spanish has gotten better, and i now am killing walking in the rain.
You’re going to have to give B Man and me some tips. My running in the rain strategy involved a baseball cap and prayer.
SO hilarious. I have long suspected that Go Jules Go was written specifically for me and all these comments come from random hackers. Thank you for confirming. And the crown is the perfect accessory.
I’m simply keeping this crown in shipshape until her rightful owner (ahem) visits Bend.
HA, you wish marathon running was a skill! I suppose we could slot that under “ability to suffer.” I tried to come up with some skills beyond “can out pedal a zombie any day” and “motivates friends to make lists,” but came up empty. Oh well, good thing you turned it up to 11 with your map management skills!
Would you like me to write you a list of why those two skills are indeed vital?
I want the crown Jules (lol). Let’s see…..I can manage to not shower for several days at a time and still look and smell decent. My vocabulary is improving with the many words with friends games played and I have become a very proficient poop picker upper. I have also cooked some killer meals – I have never been a cook! PS. We have a contract on a house in Bend 🙂
I love everything about this comment!! That crown was handmade for me by fellow Bendite (and Dakota’s wife), Chelsea! Your not showering/smelling skill is truly useful during end times, and also handy for Central Oregon camping. (So excited for you! Feel free to email me if you want to chat about any Bend stuff! JKSchnedeker@yahoo.com.)
I will definitely reach out! We won’t actually move there for a few years – we have to rent the house for a couple of years to avoid dreaded taxes. But we will be visiting regularly!
OMG! Jules! I am so sorry I confused your chipmunk enthusiasm for squirrel enthusiasm in the star card 😦 And yes 666 is nothing to be afraid of. There is no devil anyways. 😛 and I love that you included “Chapeau” as one of your 1,000+ French words that don’t go together. Apparently I dreamed and spoke French out loud in my sleep…which kinda makes sense because I took 4-5 years of french when my mind was still flexible enough to learn languages, ha!
ugh my brain lately *facepalm* Champeau 😉
When Mary Pat commented, I thought the same thing – “Hey! Champeau/Chapeau!” My dream is to dream in French (har har). And no apologies necessary; squirrels have long been overlooked on this blog and it’s probably about time they got a shout-out.
Love your mad skills! My quarantine skills involve not killing my husband, who decided to take 3 three week vacations (staycations) in May, June, and July, when we’re in quarantine. To be fair, he had to pick his vacations last November. A new quarantine skill I’m developing is counting carbs, because apparently even developing Type 2 Diabetes happens, quarantine or not. The good things is there will be no quarantine 15 here. And my last quarantine skill is cutting hair. Well, in truth I’ve had to cut my son’s hair for years. But with the quarantine on, not only is our local salon closed, it folded for good. So, my husband, who is beginning to look like Bozo the clown, needs a cut. I can wait.
Oh gosh, I’m sorry to hear about the health surprise! On the plus side, you could probably start charging a premium if you offered ‘outdoor’ haircuts…
I was hoping my stylist would offer to do outdoor haircuts. I usually cut my son’s hair outside to make cleanup easy. Let the birds and critters take away his hair!
So cool to take a trip down memory lane…seasons sheetings! God those were the days, my friend (we thought they’d never end…)
My end of days skillz are (as I’ve already mentioned in a previous comment) balancing a gin and tonic on my bloated belly, going braless for over 2 months straight, and thriving on a diet that consists entirely of carbs.
If/when this pandemic ends, I might not survive back in the real world and I don’t care.
I like to think we’re creating a new world… in which both penguins and boobs run wild and free…
Hahaha. No, I don’t have the right skill for quarantine, but I’ll definitely learn from you…. 😀 :D:) ❤
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