Mind Your Manners, Uncategorized

Sincerely Yours, Caring McCantYouSeeImTryingHere

I promised you, guilty pleasure sweetums, that I’d let you know how you were doing when it came to your greeting cards. A few months ago, I hilariously rudely chastised those who merely scribble their name inside birthday/holiday cards, which, thinking back, is pretty ironic (can you rudely correct rudeness? Or do they cancel each other out?). I’ve heard from many of you since then; in fact, other than my flask story, it’s the post that seems to have made the biggest ripple through my inner circle. (Don’t be fooled. There is no outer circle.)

The outcome? You care, you really, really care! I see it, and I’m proud of you. You made my day(s). Just look (click on any of the pictures to enlarge):

Exhibit A+

My brother's girlfriend rockin' the left-hand side with an illustration of my birthday gift.

Exhibit B-u-ti-ful

My BFF gets it.

Exhibit C How Much They Care?

Birthday card from the in-laws. I love this.

Exhibit D-lightful

Babs took this picture in Times Square to make my birthday card (we went to the play for my b-day)! She taught me everything I know about proper greetings.

Exhibit E-lated That You Care

A drawing AND a blog shout-out in the birthday card from Hubster. He's no fool.
Kvetching, TV Junkie, Uncategorized

INCOMING!! Conversation Bombs – Part TWO!

Photo credit (before delightful annotation): http://media.spokesman.com

That’s right, my last post about things people say that catch you completely off-guard just wasn’t cutting the mustard.

And speaking of mustard, who have I to blame?

Food shows! First, it was Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern on the Travel Channel, where Zimmern suddenly dropped into his monologue that he was homeless for a year. With no explanation.

And now? The same thing happened on Extreme Chef (Food Network) last week! One of the contestants casually mentioned in his voiceover, as I watched him run inside an ice warehouse for a rabbit carcass, that he had been homeless. Once again, no explanation. My husband looked at me and waited. I was already gesturing aggressively towards the T.V.

“Again?” I cried.

“I know! You should write about it,” he replied enthusiastically. “That is weird.”

“Is it a chef thing?” we wondered. Is that why they don’t mind the 100-degree kitchen and unreasonable hours? And why they always want to be surrounded by food? Any food?

Of course, this also had me going back through life’s little gems so I could provide you with a new list of conversation bombs. Yes,  these are all things people have actually said to me. Give a girl some warning, wouldja?

“You have really huge pupils.”

“You don’t have to go home for Father’s Day. I can find you some fathers.”

“I like all kinds of houses. Except bi-levels.” (I live in a bi-level.)

“It’s a good thing you lost weight. A girl your age shouldn’t be fat.”

“We bought a pet scorpion.”

“New York City. Where is that?”

And a special guest contribution from my hubster, Peppermeister – a conversation he had at work [with a fellow teacher] some years ago:

Ms. Teacher: Do you know anyone who wants a dog?

Peppermeister: No, why? Are you getting rid of your dog?

Ms. Teacher: Yeah. My husband’s leaving me, and taking the house, and the apartment I’m living in doesn’t allow pets.

Your turn (comment below!) – Bombs Away!

Animals, Uncategorized, Uncle Jesse

Holy Sh*t, That’s My Dog!

Long Introduction

Have Mercy

As you might recall, one of Uncle Jesse’s first tricks was, “Watch the hair, huh!” (An homage to his Full House namesake.) My jaw-droppingly expensive multi-generational Australian Labradoodle was 9-10 weeks old when he mastered this delightful ditty, immediately justifying his price tag.

Since then, I’ve come up with all kinds of ways to amuse myself at his expense. Mostly in the form of nicknames, which change on at least a biweekly basis*. (Current nickname: Schnoodle. Because he looks like a noodle, it rhymes with poodle, and he’s just so darn…schnoodly. Don’t you think?)

We also call him a ‘man’ instead of a ‘boy’. He’s a good man. A smart man. “Come here,

A Schnoodly man

man.” Along with his name, it tends to confuse people, so we keep doing it.

I also like replacing dog-related phrases and commands with things that are ticklier to my fancy. “Fetch,” for example, has become an appreciative, “Thank you.” As in, “Thank you in advance for bringing me that toy. It was so very kind of you.” Works like a charm.

Short Introduction

My favorite canine comic relief comes from what we say instead of, “Wanna go for a walk?” Instead we simply shout, with appropriate fervor, “Holy shit!” No explanation necessary. Just watch:


*P.S. – For the record, yes, he does answer to “Uncle Jesse”. No one ever believes me!

P.P.S. – We plan on dressing him up as a wedge of cheese this Halloween. Get it? A Cheese DOODLE! Also works for an Uncle Sam costume: A Yankee DOODLE!

Late Night, Music, New Jersey is breathtaking, TV Junkie, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Two Things You Have to See Today

#1 – Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon performing History of Rap PART 2 (!!!) on Monday’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

#2 – This parking sign I saw outside of Kohl’s yesterday:

Did they know I was coming? Seriously, what’s the deal with this?? (I did a little homework, but I’m still not sure what the credentials are.)

Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

What Happens in Your Head, Stays in Your Head

What’s a fantasy summer fling amongst guilty pleasure friends?

That’s right – it’s time to play: Name Your Top 5!

You know, it’s the game where you get to pick 5 celebrities you can hook up with -no strings attached- should you ever get the chance. Freebies!

Here’s my current Top 5!

#5 – Mila Kunis

#4 – Brody Jenner

This stand-by is purely physical. Photo credit: http://www.mtv.co.uk

#3 – Emma Watson

Photo credit: the-best-top-desktop-wallpapers.blogspot.com

#2 – Robert Pattinson

Yum. I think I'll need a bib, too.

#1 – Darren Criss

Photo credit: Out magazine

Now it’s your turn! Post your Top 5 in the Comments section below! …Pretty please, with lots and lots of whipped cream on top (or wherever you want it)?

…Wait, wait. A picture for #1 just wasn’t enough, was it? Duh. Here you go (a little piano, a little guitar, a whole lotta hot):

Uncategorized

I’ve Been Waiting For You to Ask Me, But I Can’t Wait Forever

You guys are so cool. I love everything about you. Especially the way you furrow your eyebrows and tilt your head when you read my blog. It’s so cute. What I’m trying to say is… I want this to work out. I really do. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait.

Why aren’t we talking about my blog banner photo?!

Venice Beach, circa 2004

I really hope seeing it didn’t make you think I was more sensitive or introspective or beautiful than I really am. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am all of those things, but that wasn’t the point.

It’s the epitome of guilty pleasure, in all its glorious, self-serving cheesiness! 

#1 Sunset.

#2 Beach.

#3 Over the shoulder.

What are some of your favorite guilty pleasure pics?? Any from your own blog? (Remember the chipmunk eating Dunkaroos? Or the animals dressed as other animals?) Yes, 7-year-old MySpace headshots TOTALLY count!

Here are some recent favs, for your viewing pleasure:

Photo credit: strangenature.com
Photo credit: strangenature.com
Photo credit: humor-in-photos-and-pictures.blogspot.com
Photo credit: designyourway.net
Photo credit: http://listverse.files.wordpress.com
I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Wipe the Drool

I’ve Really Outdone Myself This Time. Thanks, Harry Potter.

I won. Everyone, I won. That contest you didn’t know was happening? The one where I try to top my own guiltiest pleasure geek out? Well, I won it. Last night.

Let me take you back in time. To last night, I mean.

I decided to order tickets to “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” for next Saturday – the first showing, at 11:30am, like the old lady I am. Normally I enjoy ridin’ solo to the movies, but since they’re all now dine-in theaters around these parts, I feel a little awkward going alone. Thus, I told my sweet manly husband he had to accompany me.

“But I’ve never seen any of the movies,” he argued.

I merely grinned. “You have time to watch them all before next Saturday!”

“I haven’t read the books,” he reminded me.

His protests fell on deaf ears, but then he, like most married folk will eventually do, wizened up and busted out the Big C. No, no, geesh, the other one. Compromise. Condescension.

“How about you make a 5-minute presentation so I’m prepared?” he smirked.

“Yes! I would love to do that!” I exclaimed gleefully. I wasn’t about to let his sarcasm stand in the way of this incredible opportunity to not only write about Harry Potter in bulleted format, but also to use my knock-off PowerPoint software (thanks, Macintosh).

I got cracking right away, and at 10:30pm last night (well past my bedtime), it was ready. “It” being…

The most SPELLBINDING [less-than-]5-minute Harry Potter presentation you’ll ever see, sure to get any HP half-wit ready for the final installment!!!!! 

…I really should get out more.

HP-Presentation-for-Ed_Jul2011v2

Uncategorized

Everyone’s a Winner with WordPress’s “Surprise Me” Mode

Those wee gerbils running WordPress.com  The amazing staff of WordPress, who I’m certain are soon going to put me on Freshly Pressed (i.e., the home page of WordPress), sure do have a sense of humor.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Try updating your settings. Go to Users > Personal, and check off the first box (“Fun: Surprise Me”):

The first thing I noticed about ‘Surprise Me’ mode was a new check box when I went to add a Post:

What differentiates a regular post from a super-awesome one, you ask? In my case, nothing.

The second thing I noticed was on the Site Stats page, a tab to “Humanize” the numbers (click on picture to enlarge):

Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever know what fun facts they have for numbers greater than 178 (and 178 heartfelt thank you’s to “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”, by the way).

Then, today, in the ‘Track My Comments’ section, I saw this:

My guilty pleasure hat fascinator goes off to you, WordPress!

P.S. – To read the hilarious post referenced in the above Comments, click here.

Music, TV Junkie, Uncategorized

Don’t Worry, I Don’t Know How to Write Either

I was just YouTube-searching Anna Graceman, an amazing 11-year-old singer I saw on America’s Got Talent, when I came across this hilarious video. I can only imagine this is her at 5-years-old (does anyone know??).

You really should check out Anna Graceman’s YouTube channel by clicking here. Or, watch her performance from America’s Got Talent right now! (Warning: remove socks first, unless you want them blown off.)

New Jersey is breathtaking, Uncategorized

I’m Going to Need a Lot More Money Before I Start Feeling Guilty

At the risk of divulging too much personal information In the hopes of finding my first stalker, I’d like to share some exciting news with you about my county. Hunterdon County, New Jersey, that is.

Turns out we’re rich.

Very rich.

According to a number of recent articles, including this one from Yahoo! Real Estate, we’re the second richest county in the nation.

I have a theory about how we achieved this impressive  embarrassing status. It’s quite simple. The CEO of Nasdaq lives in our town. That’s got to throw off the whole average, right?

New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the U.S., has a reputation for housing a number of the world’s wealthiest, no doubt given our proximity to New York City, and Snooki’s poof. I was sure Russell Simmons’ stomping grounds of Bergen County would make the top of the list. (Click here for a neat WordPress article about stars in Bergen County.)

Not this place:

Picture I took of my 'hood for another amazing post: https://goguiltypleasures.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/things-that-confuse-me-when-i-walk-my-dog-a-photo-tour/

Does it change anything, you ask? Will I refuse to cross county borders now for fear that I might breathe in fumes of the poor? Will I now get to pronounce the ‘t’ in ‘often’ without feeling douche-y? Look for preschools for my yet-to-be-conceived children? Receive a special membership card? I just got an invitation for a Visa black card yesterday…was that it in disguise?

I’ll keep you posted. For now I’m going to go back to eating Ramen noodles in front of the fan.