The Last Will and Testament of GoJulesGo

Well, Chipmunks.

This is it.

The weather in western New Jersey seems to finally be cooperating with Peppemeister‘s (a.k.a. First Husband’s) birthday gift to me plan to kill me. You know.

This:

Help me.

We leave in about an hour for our very first hot air balloon ride.

So close to the heavens, it’s only natural that I start to think: Once the angels catch a glimpse of my rocking side-pony and hot pink slap bracelet, they won’t want to let me back down to earth.

So in the event that I don’t return to you, please find…

The Last Will and Testament of GoJulesGo, PMP*

*Project Management Professional

Heartthrobs should stick together.

I bequeath my beloved dog, Uncle Jesse, to Second Husband, Darren Criss. Darling, it was only a matter of time before he was yours, anyway.

I bequeath whatever is left of my vodka supply to my best friends, Jenn and Mary, who will treat it exactly as I would. With cranberry juice and shamelessness.

Remember me this way, ladies.

To my mother, I give you all of Peppermeister’s musical instruments. Babs, he just killed me. Sell that shiz and take yourself on the shopping spree of a lifetime.

Go nuts, Pop. I love you.

To my father, I give you the money in my savings account. Take yourself out to a nice dinner. And what the heck, get the fries, too.

To my sister, I bequeath all of my dresses. To go with the ones you think I gave to you but really I thought we both understood this was a temporary thing.

And, finally, to you, dear Chipmunks, I give you this blog. May you honor my memory by ensuring that you indulge in your guilty pleasures, loud and proud, for all the rest of your days. And don’t listen to a word Zest and Zeal tell you. They have NO idea how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

They are not to be trusted.

Do you enjoy risking your own life?

Photo Credits

  • #1 (Darren Criss – before annotation) – people.com
  • #2 (McDonald’s) – smithfamilymcdonalds.com
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77 responses to “The Last Will and Testament of GoJulesGo

  1. Oh my god, I just burst out laughing. I love you and I love this blog. I think it was a very sensible to give Uncle Jesse to Second Husband. Try not to think of his track record, entrusting Pavarati to Kurt, who killed him. I’m sure he’s learned his lesson. Have fun, you’ll (probably) be fine! When I fashion my last will and testament, I will model it after yours.

    • PS- just realized I referred to Darren Criss and Blaine as the same person. My mind became too overwhelmed with Darren’s beauty to full comprehend that Blaine is indeed just a character.

    • DITTO! πŸ™‚ *And* I love this comment! I get a very, very depressing lack of Glee references [in comments] on this blog, despite proclaiming my love of it every chance I get πŸ˜‰

      I think Blaine/Second Husband has learned his lesson, but luckily I am still alive and kicking, meaning we can raise Uncle Jesse in loving matrimony. Sigh. I can’t wait.

      • Glad I could help by including some more talk of Glee. There’s no such thing as too much Glee!

        Glad to hear you’re still alive and kicking, mostly because it means we will get to read more hilarious blog posts. And you know, cuz it would be sad and stuff if you died.

        Glee.

  2. Reblogged this on Valarie Duquette and commented:
    Genius.

  3. You are a hoot and a half! I hope your hot air balloon adventure is a fun one. I know it’s on my bucket list. Enjoy!

    • Thank you so much, Jessica! As you have probably guessed by this response: I’M ALIVE! I can’t wait to do the follow-up post, LOL

      It was sooo on my bucket list, too (actually, it’s even documented somewhere in this blog from many moons ago, ha!) – I HIGH-LY (har har) recommend it!

  4. Holy chipmunk poop falling from the sky! Have a great time, Jules! I would be scared out of my mind! But then, I can’t even fly in a plane without first starting a prayer chain. I hope you’ll take pictures to share with us.

    • LOL! I am such a broken record, but You. Crack. Me. Up. And thanks! It was a total blast. I can’t wait to blog it out. I want to get that post up tomorrow, but I have so many pictures and even a few-second video, so it’s gonna take a while to assemble! First up – catching up on *reading* blogs (like yours)! πŸ™‚

  5. Well, as long as he is in the basket with you, you’re probably safe. Just beware if he suggests seperate balloons! And don’t worry . . . I’ll be sure to try to get him prosecuted for AT LEAST voluntary manslaughter. It seems only right. And I’ll also try to arrange for 2nd husband to break down in inconsolable heartbreaking tears whilst giving your eulogy. I’m a giver like that. πŸ™‚

    • That is exactly what I was hoping, Misty. That his desire to kill me wasn’t so great that he’d risk his own life to do so.

      And now that we’re alive and well, do you think you could arrange for us (okay, me) to legally engage in a plural marriage? πŸ˜‰

  6. Just slap those bracelets on those angels. You’ll be sailin’.

    • Tee hee. Good thinking. But it turns out hot air balloons don’t go very high. Or maybe we just weigh a lot. πŸ˜‰

      P.S. – I can’t wait to post your slap bracelet pics!!!!

  7. Wait, wait, who cares about vodka and dogs… WHO GETS THE MASSIVE CACHE OF SLAP BRACELETS???

    Have you named an executor for your estate???

  8. I can’t say I’ve ever tried anything life-threatening yet (unless you count some not very strategic verbal sparring done in my late teens and early 20s), although I did very much enjoy reading this post! I’m so curious about your adventure. πŸ˜€

    • Deb, if you EVER get a chance to go on a hot air balloon, DO IT! πŸ™‚ And speaking of “Up”-like things, I will hopefully get the follow-UP post to this UP by tomorrow.

      Oh man. Corniest comment reply ever (on my part).

  9. I have always thought that a hot air balloon ride with my husband would be romantic, but my husband says that there is nothing romantic about him cowering on the floor of the basket trying not to hyperventilate. I hope you have fun and I hope you don’t die.

    • LOL! I am happy to report I am NOT dead. I don’t think. (In hindsight, it would have meant getting out of a thrill-a-minute project mgmt conference today…)

      If you can ever convince your husband to do it, you definitely should; it IS romantic! I’ll hopefully get the pictures up tomorrow πŸ™‚

  10. I hope you had a great time! Woop! x

  11. I was going to leave the ultimate witty comment, but then it occurred to me that you’re now sky-kill. I don’t know if they get WordPress where you ended up. RIP

    • Peg! I’m here! So…about that comment… πŸ˜‰

      • Congrats on surviving. I can’t wait to hear how you barfed all over on this romantic occasion.

        Guess what…my Guilty Pleasures Prize package arrived today. Can we say SWE-E-E–T! I tried the mustachio dealio as a lip chip clip, but it really hurt a lot, so I’m rushing out tonight to buy lots of bags of chips. I’ll have to eat half of each bag to make them chip-clippable so I’m already blaming you for regaining a ton of weight.
        And I think I’m going to share the bacon/chocolate with the hubby, but only if he’s nice to me. I’ll pour a little wine to go with, being extra careful to put my crystal glass down on a charming coaster. What to do with more, more, slap bracelets? I may have to go out on the highways and biways and hand them out.

        Who knew so much awesomness could fit in one manila envelope? Thanks so much!!

        • Hey, I was just commenting on your blog!

          Yay! You are so welcome, and I’m glad everything arrived safely. So the chip clips didn’t break during the journey? (I was worried about those.) Except maybe they broke your lip? Ha!

          I’m very excited that there are many bags of chips, bacon chocolate, and wine in your immediate future. So far you’re the only recipient of bacon chocolate who’s guarding it appropriately. Renee and B-Man’s bars were snatched!!! The horror. I can’t think about it.

          And please do feel free to continue the slap bracelet giveaway tradition in your neck ‘o the woods, LOL πŸ˜‰

  12. omg this is hoot-a-mania, I love it! can’t stop laughing! i hope you have the trip of a lifetime!

    • Thank you so much! It was WONDERFUL. And it really WOULD have been the trip of a lifetime if I’d kicked the bucket (er, basket?)! πŸ˜‰

  13. Hope you had a great time and are in fact still alive. I can’t wait to hear all about it! I, myself, would probably spend the entire ride on the floor in the fetal position waiting for it to be over.

    • Haha! Really, Marta? I think you’d rock the hot air balloon – they make the baskets like, chest-high, now so you don’t feel like you’re going to fall out (thank GOODNESS)!

      Needless to say – I made it!! πŸ™‚ Can’t wait to post the pictures.

  14. Have a great time, this sounds awesome! And you have bequeathed your possessions to all the best people it seems. Hilarious!

    • Thanks, Audrey! I am still kicking, and now with some awesome pictures for my blog (SCORE!), ha! πŸ˜‰

      Vaneeesa reminded me I didn’t bequeath my remaining slap bracelets. For shame, gojulesgo!

  15. Remember, if you scream, scream upwards so the sound is lost in the balloon, and you also help fuel the fire. Also, if you start to fall out it’s considered appropriate to grab on to people in order to take them with you.

  16. Jules – Are you still alive? I keep waiting for an emergency announcement saying that you are yet another victim of misguided gifts from husbands. Say it ain’t so.

  17. OK, I take it you made it back alive and in one piece so congrats on that! I can’t wait to hear all about it. I went up in a hot air balloon at a fourth of July event when I was around 8 years old. It was tied to a rope so it only went up a bit, then we hovered and came right back down. I think I died a thousand deaths though anyway.

    • Thanks, Darla! I think I’m in one piece, although I might have left my heart up in that balloon, LOL It was pretty awesome! I can’t wait to post the pictures πŸ™‚

      And I think you should give it another go some day! Then again, you have Italy to look forward to.

  18. Loved this entry! lol! i wasn’t following your blog earlier, would just pop in to read now and then, now thanks to this entry i am πŸ˜› LOL really good stuff!

  19. Le Pep is particularly good at planning murders, maybe he should ditch the peppers and become a professional hitman… no one would ever guess!!

  20. OMG! Please tell me you’re still alive! We still have so many flavors or vodka to try!

  21. Okay, sit down because I’m about to give you a major compliment: you remind of The Bloggess. There’s something so off the wall funny about your posts. Especially loved “with cranberry juice and shamelessness.” But the chipmunks’ appearances, your general humor and honesty . . . you’re going places! (if you don’t risk your life, of course)

    • Nina. I am seriously glad I WAS sitting down (how many times can I risk my own life in one week??). I’m in the middle of The Bloggess’ memoir right now; this is just about the most kick-chipmunk-tail compliment I could ever hope to get.

      Actually. Crud. Yeah. It totally is.

      Now what?

  22. I do it all the time, I just don’t think of it that way! I think of it as a natural substitute for coffee. πŸ™‚
    Have fun!

    • Susie! I just found your last two comments in my spam folder (what the fudge, WordPress? You can’t do that to a top-notch blogger like Susie!)! Hopefully we won’t have that problem again since I just approved them.

      I am looking forward to reading more about your ‘life-risking’ adventures on your blog πŸ™‚

      • I just broke out of spam jail! Woohoo! Thanks for approving them. That really helped!

        I found out that being in blog jail can be life risking since I almost had a heart attack from frustration yesterday! πŸ™‚

  23. I wrote a Very Silly comment and WP won’t let me comment. I even restarted my browser (without copying it, of course) so we’ll see if I can even post THIS one, which is just kvetching. I recall referring to your life coaches as hairy fuckers…

  24. Hilarious. Though I’m glad to hear that you survived your balloon ride! Are you sure that your friends and family aren’t going to take you up on your offer now that you’ve spelled out all of the goods so clearly? I’d be all over that vodka. And the dresses.

    • You’re so right. I’d better sleep with one eye open. Geesh. I really need to be more careful with what I say on this here blog. I like my dresses, I mean, vodka.

      I can’t WAIT to finally get the balloon ride post up (scheduled for tomorrow morning) – there was so much to say that it took a while! And there are oodles of pictures, ‘o course. …I may have also reenacted a prime bit in an 8-second video… You know. Maybe.

  25. Pingback: Extra! Extra! I Survived Hot Air Ballooning! | goguiltypleasures

  26. Have Mercy!

    <3<3<3

  27. those are supposed to be ultra clever internet hearts of blog friendship btw but apparently i don’t know the rules of wordpress

    • ha! There’s only one person I know (deborah-bryan.com) who can do those fancy internet hearts of blog friendship on WordPress, but I like yours! Besides, the rules are only there to be broken. Mwahaha (For example, it’s 10am EST/7am PST, pass the vodka!)

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