Blogging, humor

Dear Blog: I’m Sorry

April 11, 2013

Dear Blog,

What my love of bacon earned me.
What my love of bacon earned me.

I’m worried you’re starting to feel neglected. You barely look me in the eye, and your Stats page, is, frankly, a bit of a slap in the face. Between juggling 3 husbands, alcohol dependency and finding new and exciting uses for bacon, I really haven’t given you the attention you deserve.

F*ck. 10 months younger.
Sh*t. 10 months younger.

Sure, I’ve still found time to make epic memes and Google the age of every celebrity I like, hoping they’re older than me and I still have my shot at the elusive EGOT. And honestly, I would be famous already, but I’ve been so busy having fake conversations with actual famous people that the last 30 years week has just really gotten away from me.

You know I still love you, right, Blog? Remember all the good times? I really made you giggle that time I put ketchup in my hair, and don’t forget the slushie to the face. You like physical comedy, don’t you, Blog? (Did you see Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live this past weekend? She’s a physical comedy goddess, and I worship her. Should we write a post about it? Oh, check! Look at us, Blog. What a team.)

Yes. This really happened, Blog!
Would I lie about this?

In all seriousness, Blog, you know how crazy things have been lately. Heck, by the time you read this, I may be en route to Texas for an undoubtedly blog-worthy wedding. So I hope you’re ready to spend some quality time with me next week. I know, I know. There are so many blog-worthy things happening RIGHT NOW that I can’t blog about, but you understand. After all, one of them involves work. And Uncle Jesse’s role in a marathon interview process. I know, Blog. I know! It’s killing me, too.

I really do love you, Blog. More next week.




What’s your favorite procrastination method / ‘time suck’?

85 thoughts on “Dear Blog: I’m Sorry”

        1. I’ve deleted more than I ever thought I would/could. Prior to summoning up the courage, I had created a special email file just for unread blogs. I really love reading the blogs I follow but there are times when I’ve got not even a spare minute. It happens. It’s a season.
          P.S. The nightmares of a file with hundreds of unread posts began haunting me in my sleep so I deleted it, too. Renee’s right. Just do it.

  1. Jules,
    Enjoy the wedding. Your blog may have a new task for you… I mean, Le Clown has been wasting time on Google trying to find a picture of a young Tim Gunn. How great would that be on your blog? S/he would be forever grateful.
    Le Clown

  2. I just read this phoned in Go Jules Go blog post! Not my favorite time suck though as getting passed out drunk, losing several hours of my life and waking up in strange places only to find out it’s my very own living room is my fave!

  3. Yeah, your blog called me late last night. Pretty sure it had been drinking. I didn’t come over, even though it begged. I really think you need to put some more time in with the blog, Jules. It may not stick around for long.

    1. I should seriously put up last-minute, on the fly posts about not having time more often, because this post is getting more hits than the the last 50.

      My Blog says I’m on my second strike, but I know how to win her back. I might have to take another slushie to the face, but it’ll be worth it.

      1. Ain’t THAT the truth. I spend hours sweating bullets, rewriting and re-editing and agonizing over the placement of a “the” versus an “a” and I can hear cyber crickets chirping.

  4. Say…whaaaat? A Full House marathon is ALWAYS a viable excuse!

    Oh and visiting your blog. That is my biggest distraction this morning. I have my chapter on the reproductive system all set and ready to read but I came here instead. This is how much I love you, JD.

    1. I don’t think it’s a stretch that ‘reproductive system’ made you think of me and my blog, DP. You do love me. In all the wrong right ways.

      Who needs higher learning when you have a blog?

        1. This week my class learned all about the abdomen and digestive system…when we were done with class – they declared that I really know my sh*t.

  5. I recommend never having a baby or naming your blog with any title involving the word ‘daily’ in it. I’ve done both of these and have immediately regretted the aftermath of these two decisions battling against each other. Still, my daughter is adorable.

  6. That trophy looks good on your blog. It makes you look like, 22. My favorite time suck is reading blogs when I am supposed to be doing housework, or doing housework when I am supposed to be blogging.

    Apropos of nothing, there is a baby snapping turtle on my kitchen counter right now. I’m not sure whether that falls into the housework category or the blogging category.

    1. That trophy? Amazing. It now has a place of honor in my craft room, but I’m thinking of displaying it in the living room picture window.

      I’m SHAMEFULLY behind in blog reading, and now will get even more behind because I’m obsessively picturing the scene at your kitchen counter.

    1. I haven’t reposted any old posts yet – I don’t know why I’m so hesitant, since it really is a great idea! I’m sorry, I guess I’m being close-minded. I’m sorry! GOD I SAID I’M SORRY. 😉

  7. My newest time suck (and perhaps a guilty pleasure) is playing Candy Crush Saga on my phone. Yes, it’s embarrassing. I wish I could say something like, “My time suck is reading Shakespearean plays so I can explain them to my friends” but alas, Candy Crush Saga is what my brain wants.

    It also wants to see more of this presentation with Uncle Jesse and Full House references.

    1. I couldn’t BELIEVE she was younger than me. But then I actively found a few people much older to make myself feel better.

      Candy Crush Saga. I need to pretend I never heard about this.

  8. I think I’ve amply whined about my busy-ness levels, so I’ll resist. But I find it really unfair that just because I’ve basically had no time to read & comment on anyone else’s blogs at all that fewer people are reading and commenting on mine.

  9. So funny, Jules! Just this morning, I was thinking that if going from (I am pulling random, not actual-factual, numbers here) 128 hits a day to 34 hits a day is a let down, imagine going from 3,862 hits a day to 154 hits a day? Now *that* must be a hard one to stomach. Perhaps even worthy of crying a pint of beer. My rambling point? I feel your pain. Blogs don’t do well unattended. Perhaps putting the words “world’s biggest nipples” in a post with a picture of Jennifer Lopez would help. Of course, you can’t use that one because you’d be stealing my traffic. But maybe “world’s largest c**k” and a picture of… I dunno…. *Adam Levine? Just a thought. You know what? Never mind. I am going to use that one, too. I need all the help I can get because 45 hits seems so…. so…. pathetic.

    Glad you’re back, at any rate. 😀

    *The author of this comment has no idea if these two terms are related in any way.

  10. There’s an interesting double standard in the world of blogging; when I don’t write for a while, it’s because I’m lazy and under-achieving. When one of my favorite bloggers isn’t writing, I imagine it’s because they’re rock-climbing, working on their novels, auditioning for sitcom pilots and feeding the hungry. Needless to say, doing all of those things at the same time is pretty impressive. Please be careful.

    1. Damn! I forgot to mention the rock climbing and auditions in this post!

      Never mind that the “rocks” are piles of laundry and the “auditions” are me singing Katy Perry in the shower. Never. You. Mind.

  11. Ever played those Story games (Dragon Story, Fashion Story, Nightclub Story, Restaurant Story- the list goes on and on…) on your iPod/iPad/smartphone? Yeah. That will derail me for hours at a time. Must. Uninstall.

  12. It dawns on me I’m like a month behind on blogs 😉 but leaving that aside – have you tried bacon and chocolate ice cream yet? I realize I might be asking a silly question, but if I am not – you should. I was skeptical at first but it’s not bad, you don’t really need to mix them per say just have a plate of bacon and a bowl of ice cream and eat them together – it’s like a flavour symphony!

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