Author: Go Jules Go

I heard you like to laugh. At my expense. Sounds like you're ready to take our friendship to the next level. You won't be disappointed. I swear on teeny, tiny baby chipmunks.
Late Night, TV Junkie, Uncategorized

If I Were A Celebrity, I Would Be…

Go Jules Go

…Ross Mathews!!

If that surprises you, it’s probably because you’re one of the millions three who think I’m the spitting image of Katherine Heigl*, and

You can't even tell who's who.

consider me an A-List kind of gal. But you should know I’m more the type to surround myself with greatness, in the hopes that some of it will just rub off.

Celebrity correspondent Ross Mathews is the gay man I never knew I always wanted to be. A kindred. He’s funny, adorable, positive, and living my dream. He knows his pop culture, struggles with his weight, and is living my dream.

I LOVE this guy. Let’s talk about him.

I first heard about 32-year-old Mathews via his long-standing gig over on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno as Ross the Intern. In 2006, when they paired him with the Crocodile Hunter, the late Steve Irwin, Mathews went viral. It was worth writing this post just for the excuse to watch this video again. I don’t care who you vote for [on American Idol], how you eat your Reese’s peanut butter cups, or what kind of vodka you drink, you will love this:

I was immediately and understandably obsessed after that, and spent many hours watching Mathews’ video blog (“Talky Blog”) on YouTube. His charm and enthusiasm left me in stitches.

On the last day of his internship on The Tonight Show, the head writer told Mathews they wanted to hire him, and sent him off to interview George Clooney on the red carpet. Not too shabby. Since then, Washington state-born Mathews has made appearances as a correspondent for E!, The Insider, and various award shows. He’s had guest spots on Days of Our Lives and was even on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club.

Wouldn’t he look great in a GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet (or eight)?

Recently, Mathews got an offer from E! to write a talk show pilot, produced by Chelsea Handler’s Amazing Productions. I can’t wait! (For a short, hilarious, but risqué interview between Handler and Ross, click here.) And just a couple of weeks ago, Mathews interviewed my Second Husband, Darren Criss, before Criss sang with Kermit the Frog! Sigh. …Double sigh.

I could watch Ross Mathews all day.

Who’s your celebrity soul sister/brother?

*How many strangers have to tell you you look like someone before you can let it go to your head? I already know the answer to how many it takes before you can brag about it on your blog.

Food, Just For Fun, Uncategorized

For My Brother: Turning Guiltless Pleasures Into Guilty Ones

Go Jules Go
He may or may not be enjoying the goodie bags I provided to attendees of my...27th birthday party...at Medieval Times.

Today is my brother’s birthday. I don’t think he reads this blog, but I guess I love him anyway. (He did comment once! Back in July, to let me know he was uncomfortable learning we both want to make-out with Emma Watson.)

My brother’s IQ hovers roughly above the 1.5 billion mark, or more accurately, around the place where he posts pictures like this on his Facebook wall just to confuse me:

Right now he’s wrapping up the last semester of law school, where he’s on a free ride thanks to his disgusting ability to earn perfect scores on all standardized tests, including the LSATs. Though it sounds like we don’t have much in common, whenever I think back on my comedic influences, my brother is there.

Four years my senior, he introduced me to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and DuckTales, which morphed into an Animaniacs obsession. After that, it was repeat viewings of Spaceballs and The Princess Bride (which he could recite in its entirety, with the voices, by the way). We spent countless hours watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, Whose Line is it Anyway? and Amazing Johnathan (who later helped execute my marriage proposal – as part of his show!).

When my brother sent an email to the family saying he wanted “chimichangas and sh*t” for his birthday dinner, my chipmunk heart rejoiced. But just when I thought we were kindred spirits, he sent another email asking us to make donations in his name to WNYC, in lieu of birthday presents.

Because I’d already started gathering gifts Because this guiltless -though typical of him- gesture threw my birthday-loving world off-kilter, I decided to make the donation and then get to work.

In order to make a good balance-restoring gift basket of Guilty Pleasure Wonder for a selfless sibling, you will need:

  • Peanut Butter & Company Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter
  • Nutella
  • Candy, e.g., caramel coffee-flavored Werther’s
  • Chocolate-covered potato chips

In order to make a magical balance-restoring gift basket of Guilty Pleasure Wonder for a selfless sibling, you must add:

  • Shamelessness

…and…

  • Chocolate-Covered Bacon!!!

Yes, this is a real thing, and yes, it is worth every penny of its somewhat alarming price tag. Vosges makes Mo’s Bacon Bar, which many learned about a few years ago thanks to the all-knowing Oprah. My wise, caring husband bought me a couple of bars a while back, and my life has never been the same. There are tiny bits of crunchy, salty, melt-in-your-mouth bacony goodness ensconced in some of the creamiest, most delicious milk chocolate I’ve ever tasted. It’s euphoric. Go buy some. Now. I’ll wait. (And if Vosges would like to send me any free chocolate for this endorsement, I guess that would be okay with me.)

My brother claims he’s married to Chocolate-Covered Bacon on Facebook (though lately “it’s complicated”). Chocolate-Covered Bacon even has its own Facebook page:

It seemed only fitting that I present him with a tangible representation of his beloved this birthday season:

I do. Oh-hoh yes, I so do.

And just to be sure the guilty pleasure stars were realigned, I made a guilt-ridden family favorite for dessert (double the cream cheese frosting, thank you very much). Guess what kind of cake it is?

Happy birthday, Bryan! May you accept this post as a staggering donation to the Awesomest Sisters of The Universe Foundation.

What’s the coolest birthday present you’ve ever given/gotten?

Uncategorized

My New Living Room (or, How I Found Out Whitney Houston Died)

Go Jules Go

With an impending tax return about to pad my wallet, I started looking for living room furniture in January. We’d been in our house almost two years, and it seemed high time to replace the folding table with something a tad more permanent.

I started with the basics, leaning towards country cottage meets shabby-chic. A rug, TV and TV stand:

Yes. There WAS a time when I thought those curtains were a good idea.
A guilty pleasure house staple.

Then I found out we’d be getting significantly less than I thought we would from Uncle Sam (thanks to Peppermeister‘s new job not taking out the appropriate amount), so I had to switch tactics midstream.

It took weeks of perseverance, but eventually I found this Pottery Barn coffee table on Craigslist for a steal (a steal I tell you! When we went to pick it up, an attractive, somewhat scraggly, 30-something-year-old ginger gentleman was waiting in his garage. He lived in a very posh development on a golf course, but there was an air of deprivation about him. We found out it was his parents’ house, and he was storing the coffee table there because of the extra room. We immediately convinced ourselves the darkest fate had befallen him; either he was the father of Snooki’s unborn child, or he was newly divorced and had to sell his furniture to pay alimony. Our glee at finding such a bargain quickly turned to awkwardness and sympathy. And why yes, thank you, this is my longest parenthetical aside of all time):

Then, I found this end table and lamp from HomeGoods:

I wasn’t sure either of them were working, until, on Sunday, February 12th, I put them to the ultimate test…

Uncle Jesse needs to get a life.

Finally, I handed my phone to Peppermeister and asked him to take a picture of me – to confirm that the living room matched my style champagne. I grinned, glass raised.

Peppermeister fussed with my cell phone for a moment. “Say, ‘Whitney Houston just died!'” he cried.

My grin dropped and I giggled uncertainly. “Wait, what?”

He laughed cackled at my dismay.

“Did she really die?” I asked, laughing in the way people do at funerals and at their boss’s jokes.

“Yes!” he replied, trying to catch my reaction on camera:

On the upside, the final product is delightful:

Except for those chairs. Those chairs have got to go. Too bad I'm out of money.

Do you think I still love my husband? What’s your favorite Whitney Houston song?

P.S. – If this post left a bad taste in your mouth, you might want to check out this palate cleanser (straight men, click here instead).

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Just For Fun, Lists, TV Junkie

Your Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit

Go Jules Go

I feel guilty about the lack of pleasures on this blog as of late. Because of personal and professional duties doodies, I haven’t been able to post as regularly as I would like. (Either that will change soon, or I will go Britney Spears circa 2007 on ya’ll.)

No one wants to see this.

I hear your cries. I know. It’s unacceptable. So, to get you through to the next post, I give you your very own…

Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit!

Indulge in these items, and it’ll be like I’m right there with you (hopefully in a slightly uncomfortable way…I love that shirt on you).

1.) More ME

Some things just scream, 'Winner!'

If you haven’t seen my last cinematic masterpiece in celebration of my 1-year blogiversary, you’re dead to me. Watch it! You’ll love it! Critics are calling it, “Um, who are you?” “The best thing since your video before that.” When you’re done watching, check out my archive over there —–>. 132 thought-provoking posts.

2.) Tube Schmoob

Did you know Johnny Depp was this funny? I didn't. (Photo Credit: http://static.guim.co.uk/)

I’ll be honest. There are a couple of free hours at night where I could be writing, but vodka and American Idol always wins. (Although, let’s remember this is technically research for me.) Be a boob tube schmoob with me and check out some of my new favorite shows:

Billy on the Street

I give you the full scoop here.

Smash

If you love Glee and American Idol like your favorite guilty pleasure blogger, you’ve got to give NBC’s new Katherine McPhee-a-palooza a shot. Let’s just forget about Nick Jonas’s guest appearance last week. Suspend your disbelief a little longer.

Life’s Too Short

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have done it again with this HBO winner starring little person, Warwick Davis. It was touch-and-go for the first episode, but bringing Johnny Depp into episode #2? Genius. Davis’s assistant is also not to be missed.

3.) Second Husband Croaks!

This much cute almost shouldn't be allowed. (Photo Credit: eonline.com)

My beautiful Second Husband, Darren Criss, got to perform with Kermit the Frog for E’s Oscar pre-show last weekend! They sang Rainbow Connection and the result was magical. You can watch the video here.

4.) Tried-and-True Food/Beverage Combos

"Why do birds, suddenly appear..."

I have graciously road-tested the following food combinations for you over the past two weeks. You can enjoy knowing they have the GOGP stamp of approval.

  • cherry peppers on pizza
  • chocolate chips mixed into cupcake batter
  • refried beans and bacon
  • vodka and Simply grapefruit juice

As a reminder, please indulge recklessly, and whatever you do, DON’T:

  • use the following words or phrases in casual conversation (and maybe don’t use them ever):
    • return on investment
    • reproach
    • stepwise progression
    • incumbent upon
    • optimizing spend
  • open a sleeve of Thin Mints and leave any uneaten
  • watch Vampires Suck
  • wear all black and change your name to “Shadow Catcher”
  • forget chipmunks are windows to the soul

Go forth, my sweet chipmunks, and don’t forget to report back!

What guilty pleasures are keeping you alive?

Chipmunks Forever, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Slap Bracelets, Uncategorized, Vlogalicious

Celebrating 1 Year of Blogging Awesomeness!

Go Jules Go
I mean I...I just never thought...my range as a, a...guilty pleasure blogger....one who writes solely about guilty pleasures...I mean, well, I...thank you.

A year into this blog, and I find I’m older, wiser simpler, and just a little closer to embracing my inner chipmunk.

Yes. That’s right. Today is…

My 1-Year Blog-iversary!!!

 

…Let’s do this:

 

Someone should alert the Academy.

Just For Fun

What Lent Means to Me

Go Jules Go

Why, it means a favorite guilty pleasure is back (the song, not the sandwich)!

Happy Friday!!!

If you think this post is lame, did you ever consider that I’m busy saving the world preparing my 1-year anniversary post for Feb. 26th?

What’s the hardest thing (food, habit, etc.) you’ve ever had to give up? If you would like me to start eating/doing more of that thing on your behalf during these times of deprivation (for you), please let me know. I live to serve.

TV Junkie, Uncategorized

You Don’t Know Billy on the Street?!?!?!

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"Why do you like Jessica Alba?! Jessica Alba doesn't even like Jessica Alba!!!"

FuseTV’s “Funny or Die presents ‘Billy on the Street’” is one of my new favorite shows guilty pleasures. It’s delicious.

I call it a guilty pleasure because there are plenty of times I feel like I shouldn’t laugh, but of course I do. (“Let’s play ‘Rebecca Black or Black Person?’!” “Are you ready for, ‘Are You Smarter Than A Gay Fifth Grader?’?!?!”)

Here is how host, Billy Eichner, can be summed up best:

?!?!?!?!!?!?

This Upright Citizens Brigade veteran runs around the streets of New York City with all the enthusiasm of a chipmunk inhaling helium, accosting unsuspecting passersby with hilarious pop culture questions. Half the time, there’s no right or wrong answer. Except when it comes to Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep is ALWAYS the right answer.

The fact that Eichner, a New York native (Forest Hills, Queens, to be exact), can get this kind of reaction from jaded Manhattanites delights me, having spent a lot of time among the city’s soulless stares myself. He might seem out of control, but he’s clearly running the show; he thinks on his feet and rarely cracks a smile. “Billy on the Street” is much more about his interactions with people than it is the questions themselves.

Warning: Clip has the F-bomb (twice!). A GoGuiltyPleasures first! Whoa.

As they say, anything goes in New York, and Eichner makes it work for him. This past week, a drunken businessman hovered over a British couple while Eichner tried to quiz them. The couple was clearly uncomfortable with the intoxicated intrusion, but Eichner invited the man into the mix and the result was comedy gold.

The idea for the show was in the works for years, as part of Eichner’s comedy bits. His street interviews were always a big hit, and eventually he tossed up some videos on YouTube in 2010, gaining the interest of many, including Funny or Die, who started airing the show in December.

While doing research for this post (hahaha. No seriously.) I stumbled across this New York Times article. They said everything I wanted to. And more. Only better.

So I’m just going to post some more clips and then go pout. FYI – the show airs Thursdays at 11 p.m. on FuseTV (so put down that stinky old book and find out what channel that is for you here).

Have you seen it? What’s got you laughing lately (besides moi)?

Photo Credit: John Durgee / Fuse

New Jersey is breathtaking, Uncategorized

New Jersey. Fuhgeddaboudit!

Go Jules Go
I got your greetings right here. Oh! Fuhgeddaboudit.

I’m from the land of opportunity, where the streets are paved in gold[en tanning lotion] and the hills run with honey [-colored highlights].

Where, when driving 35 miles east to work, I pass not one, not two, but three shopping malls. Fuhgeddaboudit.

Where, most importantly, it’s not considered at all rude to shout, “Get the hell oudda here!”

That’s right. These are my brethren bubbies:

I am likely no more than 3 degrees of separation from all of these people.

Being from “The Garden State” can be confusing. People fly into Newark Airport and, if not distracted by the acrid smell of industry’s finest power plants, come to realize there isn’t a flower or turnip in sight*. Fuhgeddaboudit.

If they ask for a hoagie or a pop, they may be met with, “Oh! Speak English!” We identify most with our ‘exit’ – the number of the Garden State Parkway exit you take to get to our hometown, whatever that might be (135 in the house, yo!). New York City is simply “The City” (if appropriate, a borough is specified), and getting the world’s best pizza and bagels from any seedy-looking strip mall is not so much appreciated as it is expected. Fuhgeddaboudit. You might have noticed my liberal use of “Fuhgeddaboudit” throughout this post. That’s another confusing thing about New Jersey. Not only can you get away with saying this (in joking fashion or with all the sincerity of a mother chipmunk tending to her teeny, tiny baby chipmunks), you can use it in a number of conflicting ways: You need a ride to the train station because you’re getting your Mazda tramp stamped? Fuhgeddaboudit! Your mother-in-law told your hairdresser to tone down your pouf? Fuhgeddaboudit! You tried those calzones at Vinny’s? Fuhgeddaboudit! As you can see, it means both “Of course! Don’t think twice!” and “Aw hell no!” Most commonly, though, as Urban Dictionary so eloquently states, it means: “The subject is unequivocally excellent; further thought and analysis are unnecessary.” …My head hurts. Does anyone want to do shots? What do you love/hate about your motherland? *Let us remember, though, I have a barn. Jersey has so much to offer**. **Fuhgeddaboudit! Photo Credits:#1 (postcard) – edisonnewjerseyhomes.com#2 (Jersey Shore cast) – jerseyshoreshow.org#3 (t-shirt) – raggedshirts.com

Uncategorized

Oh No. I Have Crazy Eyes.

Go Jules Go
He wants to eat your babies.

My first “real” job was at a small, independent bookstore in northern New Jersey, and one Saturday during a book signing, the author said to [17-year-old] me,

“You have really huge pupils.”

It came as a surprise to me then, but…

He was right.

I look(ed) like a stuffed animal.

I thought my contact lenses might bring out the deep, mysterious, ocean gray-blue hue, but the contacts were no match for my super-shy irises.

Many years later, it dawned on me that he took my abnormally large pupils and lunch of Ben and Jerry’s to mean I was high on The Weed. Little did he know, when I was 17, I thought being high meant standing on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, trying to relive the final moments of Sleepless in Seattle.

When I got Lasik eye surgery at 24, I had to undergo some tests first.

“You have especially large pupils,” the doctor stated matter-of-factly.

“I get that a lot,” I grumbled in reply.

After the surgery, I started having more trouble with night driving. The eye doctor suggested I use drops that would make my pupils smaller, thus reducing the amount of light getting in. I ignored him in favor of staying home at night, planted on the couch watching The Office.

Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me. I mean from a vanity perspective. Physically, I’m fine.

But then I started this blog.

Oh, yeah, sure. Like I need to tell you I’m the one on the right.

“Crazy Eyes” is a nickname my husband and I have given to certain individuals over the years. And by certain individuals I mean people you wouldn’t trust with your dry cleaning. “Crazy Eyes” are the WORST. “Crazy Eyes” shout things about what you and female genitalia have in common. “Crazy Eyes” wax poetic about their dog French kissing them. “Crazy Eyes” make you wish you were never born.

And now look at me.

I can see your soul.

Do you know anyone with “Crazy Eyes”? What makes you them crazy? (Bonus points if you can tell me what any of this has to do with guilty pleasures.)

Photo credit (Rick Scott): http://eyeonmiami.blogspot.com

Animals, Just For Fun, Lists, Uncategorized

Why You Should Be My (Guilty Pleasure) Valentine

Go Jules Go
Oh my god. I love peanuts TOO!!!

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until yesterday morning to blog on Valentine’s Day.

What’s more of a guilty pleasure than an over-hyped, commercialized, pink-frosted holiday?!

C’mon.

Chocolate.

Flowers.

Stuffed animals (dressed as other animals).

Love.

Duh!

So, will you be my (guilty pleasure) Valentine?

Hmm. You’re not convinced. Tell you what. If you don’t feel like the ooey, gooey, warm and fuzzy Sir Schmoopie Bear of Snuggleton to my Madame Chocolate Bon-Bon of Cuddlesworth by the time you’re through reading this post, I will eat my weight in candy hearts (and everyone knows candy hearts blow).

Why You Should Be My (Guilty Pleasure) Valentine

1.) I made you this someecard:

2.) Uncle Jesse says so.

3.) I bake things…

...from scratch.

4.) Upon request, I will gladly summarize the “Breaking Dawn: Part 1” special features for you. With drawings.

Here’s a sneak peek:

It rained a lot.

5.) This video:

And finally…

6.) Because I love you almost as much as I love my husband my second husband myself.

So, what do you say? Still no?! What the deuce is your real Valentine doing that’s better than that kitten video? I love you a nine!

Photo Credits

#1 (chipmunks) – http://sodahead.com

#2 (cats) – http://roflmouse.com

#3 (candy heart) – made at http://acme.com/heartmaker/

(All other photos are mine! Just like you want to be! Admit it!)