Category: Marriage

Food, Marriage

I Tasted Another Man’s Peppers

Go Jules Go

Chipmunks, when I dream, I dream big bad.

And by dream I mean scheme.

I set my sights on things like embarrassing my friends. Or my in-laws. Or my web design classmates.

It almost never backfires. (Except for when it always backfires.)

Up until last week, I was still dissatisfied, though. A nagging, long-time dream eluded me:

Making my Current Husband, Peppermeister, jealous.

You see,  he’s always been incredibly secure, and, well, it’s maddening. Like, who is he to steal all the confidence in the world and leave nothing for the rest of us? Am I right?

What’s more, in order to keep the relationship balanced, I assumed the surplus jealousy he was unwilling to feel. Exhausting.

I yearned to put this pepper-lover in his place.

I tried talking about other men, crafting elaborate schemes to secure a second husband, flaunting my assets… Nothing. Nary a raised eyebrow or passive-aggressive-taking-of-the-last-Hot-Pocket.

Argh!

The closest I ever came? Justin Timberlake hosting Saturday Night Live:

“You know he’s not as funny as you think he is,” Peppermeister commented, watching me howl as J.T. brought it on down to Omelet-ville.

My heart fluttered. Could this be it? Was it not perfect teeth, rock hard abs, unfathomable wealth and a melodious voice, but another man’s comedic talent that would rile him?

“Are you jealous?” I asked.

“No. I’m funnier,” Peppermeister calmly replied.

Double argh!

Is it time to finally give up and accept his constant praise and unconditional support? I wondered.

Then, as if the chipmunk gods had spoken, last week Peppermeister caught sight of something resting on the kitchen counter:

“What the hell is this?” he asked, eyes as fiery as his homemade sriracha sauce.

Bingo.

“Oh that?” I batted my eyelashes. “This guy at work gave it to me. He said he has more peppers than he knows what to do with.”

I paused.

“And you don’t grow that kind.”

“This isn’t organic,” he spat.

“He said they were,” I replied innocently.

“Get this out of my kitchen.”

“He sits right next to me,” I sighed. “I just love the regular bell peppers.”

He stormed out of the kitchen, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.

At last.

At long last.

So. What keeps your relationship spicy? (PG-rated, please, Chipmunks.)

***BLOGGY NOTE(S): The deadline for my “Hold Onto Your Hats” Halloween Contest is Oct 27th! The prize is amazing: A jack-o-lantern designed and carved just for you by yours truly…and Sun-Staches mustache glasses!

Also? I’m sorry I’ve been pretty M.I.A. lately; lots of fun things to share with you soon. In the meantime, please know that you and blogging are an important part of my life. I really mean that. I hope it makes you as uncomfortable as my coworker [with the bell peppers] would be if he read this post.***

Booze, Chipmunks Forever, Marriage

Gone Drinkin’

Go Jules Go
Drinking-Champagne
I know! My supply is running low.

The title of this post implies that I’ve gone off to do something I don’t normally do. Ha ha. Well. Let’s go with it.

That’s right. I’m going fishing drinking.

Peppermeister and I celebrate our 4th anniversary today, and we’re headed to Long Island ’til Sunday. My extended family has a little house by a bay where I haven’t visited in 10 years, so I’m pretty excited to return. Even if the weather is crap.

Chipmunk-Painting-by-Schmetz
This piece of Schmetz is my anniversary present. …What? The artist’s name is Schmetz!

The house doesn’t have internet access, which I’m nervous depressed confused about okay with. We’ll have, um, cruiser bikes…and bocce ball…and love. So that’s something.

I guess this is goodbye for a few days?

Holy chipmunks.

Don’t forget me.

I love you?

P.S. – Oh who am I kidding? My phone has 3G.

Marriage, Music

Putting the Pep in Peppermeister

Go Jules Go
This is the kind of magic that happens in my craft room.

While my best friend, Jenn, is the woman behind the nickname Jules, my husband, Peppermeister, is the man behind this blog.

Here’s how he first won me over, complete with a mustache-themed shirt.

Last February, he tried to explain how great WordPress was, and how I should use it as a vehicle to start writing again. I knew nothing about blogging, but then I read a hilarious WordPress blog and thought, “Oh. Well. This could be fun.”

And now here we are, a year and a half later, Peppermeister begging me to write him a birthday post. I mean, he just won’t shut up about it.

“I mustache you to give me the greatest gift you ever could. A blog post,” he said last night.

Please note: That last paragraph is all lies.

Except for the part about his birthday, which is today.

How do you do someone named Peppermeister justice? This is the man who texted me on Friday to say, “Want to know what the best part of making chicken tacos is?”

And then followed-up with this picture:

How do you measure up to someone with whom you once had this conversation?

“She’s going to be home in 5 minutes,” I said, hanging up the phone. It was June 2003 and we were a month into dating, cuddling on the couch of a friend’s apartment. My friend let us hang out there because Peppermeister and I both still lived at home [with our parents].

He loves this picture. …Ahem.

“Great,” Peppermeister replied. “That gives me 3 minutes to convince you, and 2 minutes to do it.”

“Two minutes?” I answered, raising my eyebrows.

“Yeah. I thought we could do it twice.”

How do you write a post for someone who cordially invites the dog onto the couch, complete with trumpet calls? Or tells you you’re “pretty” and “svelte” every day? Or convinces his whole family, after stubbing his toe on a boat in the Bahamas, that he was bitten by a shark? Or plays a mean harmonica? Or finds fulfillment in teaching cognitively impaired children?

Well. You don’t. You just give him another funny t-shirt, bake some cupcakes and hope he doesn’t realize you didn’t clean the bathroom he could do a lot better.

Gawd, I’m getting sentimental in my old age.

P.S. – In case you’re wondering about Peppermeister’s [former] band, they’re called Echo Movement and they’re on the Warped Tour again this summer. We lurve them and you should, too.

Marriage, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Second Husband & Go Jules Go: Our First Conversation

Go Jules Go

So, I maybe had a little too much to drink the other night, and started having an imaginary conversation with Second Husband, Darren Criss (of “Glee” fame). This is that conversation.

Honestly, I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.

GO JULES GO: I love you so much. I don’t even care if that makes you uncomfortable.

SECOND HUSBAND: Um…

GO JULES GO: It’s funny you say that. When I was about to molest First Husband, he had a similar reaction.

SECOND HUSBAND: Um…

GO JULES GO: Yes! Exactly like that. I was all, “Do you think I’m pretty?” and he was all, “Um…” and I was like, “How would you feel if I did something stupid right now?” and he was like, “Um…” and then I attacked him.

SECOND HUSBAND: …Attacked?

GO JULES GO: Well, you know. Kissed. Geesh. Didn’t you read my guest post for Laughter is Catching?

SECOND HUSBAND: Guest…post? Is that like when you fill in for someone on security duty?

GO JULES GO: Ha ha! There is so much I can teach you, Second Husband! Let us start with the rules of plural marriage.

SECOND HUSBAND: I don’t like where this is going.

GO JULES GO: Oh, don’t be coy. You know I saved the best for last.

SECOND HUSBAND: So you’re stopping at two husbands? How am I supposed to believe that?

GO JULES GO: Well, if you’d just grow a handlebar mustache I’d feel a lot better about making this official.

SECOND HUSBAND: I would rock the shiz out of a handlebar mustache.

GO JULES GO: I know you would. And you just said shiz.

SECOND HUSBAND: So?

GO JULES GO: So I love you.

THE END

Who are you having imaginary conversations with?

***SUPER IMPORTANT ALERT THAT YOUR HAPPINESS PROBABLY DEPENDS ON: I’m wrapping up the Go Guilty Pleasures slap bracelet extravaganza, so if you have any unseen slap bracelet pictures, the deadline is THIS WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6th. I hope you’ll send them to me at Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com. Oh and I think you’re swell. Even if you don’t have a slap bracelet.***

Food, Marriage, Uncategorized

Why I’m a Terrible Wife

Go Jules Go

Yesterday at 8am I found myself driving to the closest drug store. Giggling.

Peppermeister had a bout of…well, he had an upset stomach, and it was all my fault.

Back in our uber blonde days, I only laughed at him when he fell during band performances.

The previous night, I’d convinced us both that getting food from Sonic, a fast-food chain where you park and order old-school style, was a really good idea. Never mind that we’d recently eaten at a post-baptism party*, and that normally trans fat is about as appealing to me as watching 30-year-old men play video games in their parents’ basement.

On Saturday, Sonic cheese tots seemed absolutely necessary. It might have been the after effects of the heroin cough suppressants talking. (If you’re doubting my commitment to the guilty pleasure-ful life, know that I indulge in bacon and butter in a way that would make the Two Fat Ladies proud. It’s all-natural fat… Okay. *sigh* Sometimes White Castle just RULES.)

We perused the unfamiliar menu on our lap tops. Peppermeister fixated on the Sonic Blast shake, which was vanilla ice cream mixed with candy bar bits. He wanted Snickers.

What I’m trying to say is it was big.

When he returned home with the “food,” I couldn’t see him behind the cup in his hand. Picture the Duggar family lined up side by side, and all their cousins stacked on top.

“It’s got to be a whole gallon of ice cream,” I marveled in the way people marvel at puppeteers and Charlie Sheen.

“I know!” Peppermeister replied gleefully as he dug in. Between his only two options, medium and large, he was confident he’d made the right shake-size decision.

My own super-sized cheese tots were less than satisfying, despite the promising heat-saving foil sleeve they came wrapped in. Melted American cheese slices covered the tots, as opposed to the globs of glow-in-the-dark Cheez product I was looking forward to.

We passed out watching the only unseen episode of Modern Family we had left (you chipmunks were right. That show is the shiz!).

I woke up several times during the night to down large glasses of water. The amount of salt in my meal rivaled the Dead Sea. My lips are still wrinkled.

Peppermeister faced a far worse fate. I witnessed a true guilty pleasure overdose.

“C’mon, Uncle Jesse!” I called to the dog in the morning, loudly enough for Peppermeister to hear. “We’ve got to go get daddy some more ice cream!”

Giggling during the ride to Rite Aid, I immediately realized I was a terrible wife. But I couldn’t stop picturing that giant cup and his utter delight as he devoured the shake, and maybe you just never get too old for potty humor.

If you’re expecting that I learned some kind of lesson as a result of this ‘terrible wife’ revelation, you should probably know that while Peppermeister moaned beneath the heating pad, I suppressed laughter and wrote this post.

What regret looks like. (That’s a full-size bottle of water! …Okay. It’s not. But still. Don’t even think about trying to tackle this shake without a well-stocked medicine cabinet.)

Have you ever laughed when you shouldn’t have?

*filed under: Things I’m Not Allowed to Blog About.

Photo Credit (Duggar Family) – tlc.com

Marriage

Do You Want to Know My Secret?

Go Jules Go

No, no, not the secret to my flawless skin*, the secret to figuring out HOW TO KNOW (S)HE’S ‘THE ONE.’

If you can't think of anything nice to say... you probably don't want to rate this picture over at http://ratemyink.com

Yessss. Can you believe I’m dishing the truth?

Not here, of course. My life coaches, Zest and Zeal, have advised me to only blog about true love (Second Husband excluded) two times a year.

This week I snatched up an opportunity to divulge this juicy answer over on Tinkerbelle’s delightful blog, Laughter is Catching: The (Easy) Answer to Everything You’ve Ever Wanted to Know About Love.

I’ll keep this post short so you can head over to my guest post and show the Laughter is Catching crowd how much you adore me, with promises of more slap bracelet pics to come soon!

*MAC primer, MAC liquid foundation, Maybelline pressed powder, and a deal with the devil.

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Marriage, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Why Polygamy Is the Right Choice For You, Second Husband

Go Jules Go
Photo credit (before my professional-quality annotation): playbill.com

In preparation for January 7th, when I shall have my opportunity to see Second Husband, Darren Criss, in the flesh (in his Broadway debut: “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying“), I’ve been diligently working on my Why Polygamy is the Right Choice for You presentation. (As a project manager by trade*, I think I have a gift for expressing myself in animated clip art. I’m sure you’ll agree.)

Take a look!

So, what do you think? If you were a brilliant actor with the voice of an angel and a face that could turn a heart of stone to unicorn tears, would this win you over? (Be honest. This is important.)

*Lover of cheese by choice.

Animals, Just For Fun, Marriage

Lovey Dovey Sunday

Go Jules Go

I love love. Even as a teenager with braces, extra chins and a permanent seat at the ‘Geek Table,’ I couldn’t get enough of Valentine’s Day. While others lucky enough to have a valentine would grumble and groan about the commercial nature of the holiday, I couldn’t find a single reason not to embrace a day that celebrated love. Not just romantic love, but love for family and friends, too.

It’s far from February, but there are lots of lovey dovey vibes out there this weekend that were just too wonderful not to share with you sweet little chipmunks.

Deborah from The Monster in Your Closet put up a beautiful post about love yesterday.

There are so many things I love about The Byronic Man’s latest post – I’m sure you’ll understand as soon as you read it.

My cousin recently shared this fantastic video on YouTube (Fran & Marlo Cowan, married 62 years, playing an impromptu recital together in the atrium of the Mayo Clinic):

And for some real guilty pleasure love, I discovered this weekend that Second Husband participated in a Funny or Die LOLCat skit (as the voice of Leopold in “Life of Leopold”). You can watch it here. …Sigh. Isn’t he so smart and funny and dreamy, even (especially?) with whiskers?

Everyone Loves a Braggart...Right?, Food, Just For Fun, Marriage, Music

Two Awesome Announcements From Your Favorite Blogging Power Couple

Go Jules Go

Let’s get right down to it, chipmunks.

Announcement Numero Uno

Hubster’s Peppermeister blog was Freshly Pressed (featured on the homepage of WordPress) today! I’m doing a mediocre job pretending not to be jealous that he was Freshly Pressed so shortly after starting a blog. You can read his now-famous post here.

Have you heard? He likes peppers.

Announcement Numero Dos

I’ve been contributing to a nifty new website, iheardin.com. I thought I’d point out a couple posts in case you’re looking for some new tunes! If you like reggae and cool things, Echo Movement released their latest album this week, and the overly-talented Hugh Laurie (of “House” fame) also released an album.

I like hats. And booze.
Food, Marriage, Uncategorized

One Steamy Relationship, Coming Up!

Go Jules Go
Photo credit (before amazing annotation): geekisland.com

“You are trying to kill me.”

This is the quote [of mine] that Hubster, the one and only Peppermeister, used for his latest blog post*. The other night he made guacamole and salsa containing twelve Serrano peppers and one lethal jalapeno. I don’t know where these jalepenos come from (oh, who am I kidding? I’m married to the Peppermeister – they’re called Biker Billy jalapenos and the plant came from Cross Country Nurseries), but let me assure you they throw the whole Scoville scale off. They’re the hottest mother loving thing I’ve ever eaten. One seedless, spineless, centimeter-long sliver has me researching ways to exact my revenge chugging milk.

The perfect accomplice.

I’m tentatively willing to let this one slide, because otherwise I’ll get stuck on dinner duty. My husband is a great cook, and takes no small amount of guilty pleasure pride in measuring his peppers, insisting I take daily tours of his organic pepper garden, and trolling pepper-related websites. He’s helped me build an impressive heat tolerance, but on Sunday night, he went too far.

If I suddenly stop blogging, please alert the Spice Authorities. I’m pretty sure they can still be reached at 1-800-DIE-WIFE.

*If it seems like I’m shamelessly promoting my spouse’s new-ish blog even though he just tried to snuff me, I’m sorry. On a totally unrelated note, I have really high hopes for my Christmas present this year.