Why I’m a Terrible Wife

Yesterday at 8am I found myself driving to the closest drug store. Giggling.

Peppermeister had a bout of…well, he had an upset stomach, and it was all my fault.

Back in our uber blonde days, I only laughed at him when he fell during band performances.

The previous night, I’d convinced us both that getting food from Sonic, a fast-food chain where you park and order old-school style, was a really good idea. Never mind that we’d recently eaten at a post-baptism party*, and that normally trans fat is about as appealing to me as watching 30-year-old men play video games in their parents’ basement.

On Saturday, Sonic cheese tots seemed absolutely necessary. It might have been the after effects of the heroin cough suppressants talking. (If you’re doubting my commitment to the guilty pleasure-ful life, know that I indulge in bacon and butter in a way that would make the Two Fat Ladies proud. It’s all-natural fat… Okay. *sigh* Sometimes White Castle just RULES.)

We perused the unfamiliar menu on our lap tops. Peppermeister fixated on the Sonic Blast shake, which was vanilla ice cream mixed with candy bar bits. He wanted Snickers.

What I’m trying to say is it was big.

When he returned home with the “food,” I couldn’t see him behind the cup in his hand. Picture the Duggar family lined up side by side, and all their cousins stacked on top.

“It’s got to be a whole gallon of ice cream,” I marveled in the way people marvel at puppeteers and Charlie Sheen.

“I know!” Peppermeister replied gleefully as he dug in. Between his only two options, medium and large, he was confident he’d made the right shake-size decision.

My own super-sized cheese tots were less than satisfying, despite the promising heat-saving foil sleeve they came wrapped in. Melted American cheese slices covered the tots, as opposed to the globs of glow-in-the-dark Cheez product I was looking forward to.

We passed out watching the only unseen episode of Modern Family we had left (you chipmunks were right. That show is the shiz!).

I woke up several times during the night to down large glasses of water. The amount of salt in my meal rivaled the Dead Sea. My lips are still wrinkled.

Peppermeister faced a far worse fate. I witnessed a true guilty pleasure overdose.

“C’mon, Uncle Jesse!” I called to the dog in the morning, loudly enough for Peppermeister to hear. “We’ve got to go get daddy some more ice cream!”

Giggling during the ride to Rite Aid, I immediately realized I was a terrible wife. But I couldn’t stop picturing that giant cup and his utter delight as he devoured the shake, and maybe you just never get too old for potty humor.

If you’re expecting that I learned some kind of lesson as a result of this ‘terrible wife’ revelation, you should probably know that while Peppermeister moaned beneath the heating pad, I suppressed laughter and wrote this post.

What regret looks like. (That’s a full-size bottle of water! …Okay. It’s not. But still. Don’t even think about trying to tackle this shake without a well-stocked medicine cabinet.)

Have you ever laughed when you shouldn’t have?

*filed under: Things I’m Not Allowed to Blog About.

Photo Credit (Duggar Family) – tlc.com

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69 responses to “Why I’m a Terrible Wife

  1. Yes. At my grandmother’s funeral. I hadn’t had much sleep because my mom, sister and I had driven 9 hours all night to get there. Her neighbor wanted to sing at the funeral. So when she started belting out “How great thou art” in a warbly operatic voice with these enormous arm flapping gestures reminiscent of a pelican, I lost it. In my defense, my grandmother had the same sense of humor and would have thought it was funny too. She probably would’ve stood up and joined her. I excused myself and went to the car.

  2. Jules, if I could have a nickel for every time I have laughed inappropriately, I could buy a Sonic milkshake. Except now I wouldn’t (buy the milkshake). And no one would give me nickes anyway. I hope Peppermeister is feeling better.

    • Ha! I’m glad I saved you from Peppermeister’s fate (and yes, he was finally better by the afternoon). Now you can use your nickels for something wiser. Like booze.

  3. Can I tell you, we don’t have Sonic here? No. Idea. But it must be bad. Or delicious. 😉

    • We didn’t have ’em in Jersey until recently, Renee! We actually tried a bunch of things there at one in south Jersey a few years ago, before they came north, and we didn’t like it then either. I really don’t know what I was thinking.

  4. I hope Peppermeistee feels better. I’ve been there – done that – and I will do it again. I have no shame when ice cream is involved. As far as laughing… sometimes I have to hide my face when reprimanding the boys, because I am laughing at there inappropriate potty talk.

    • Thanks, Lenore – he does feel better! It was definitely a lactose O.D.; we almost NEVER eat ice cream. (We’re more cookie/brownie/cake-type people.)

      That is yet another reason Peppermeister and I are not cut out for parenthood, ha! We’d laugh every time our kids cursed, and use them to do our bidding. Like to pass along scandalous messages at family gatherings.

  5. First of all, how adorable are you both in that picture? And of course you are holding a bottle of booze. Of course.

    We don’t have any Sonics around us, and now I am kinda glad we don’t. I see the commercials all the time, though (man are they DUMB), but have never experienced the food. I would have been all over that shake! I probably would have gotten a medium, though, so maybe I would have been ok?

    Please tell me you brought him back a gallon of vanilla ice cream and a huge Snickers bar. Oh wait, maybe I’m terrible as well. Eh.

    I laugh inappropriately when my youngest is throwing a massive temper tantrum. He is just so dramatic and screamy and sometimes I have to turn away because I am laughing so hard at his antics. It is hard to be all reprimanding-mom when you are giggling. They cannot see the giggle!! You lose all authority if they realize what they are doing is entertaining. Still, sometimes it is just too damn funny!

    • Thanks, Misty! That picture is, gasp, 7 years old! But obviously when it comes to booze, some things never change. I take that back. I’ve moved on to the hard stuff since then.

      I can’t believe how many Sonic commercials we saw before they actually came to Jersey! We definitely fell victim to their marketing campaign. When they finally opened here, we were like, WE. MUST. GO.

      hahaha I knew you’d understand. I was just telling Lenore how Peppermeister and I would be so unfit for parenthood, because not only would we laugh at our kids, we would probably encourage them. And then no one would like our kids. Or us.

      • No no no no NO, Jules! That is PRECISELY why you have children in the first place! You and Peppermeister will be excellent patents for exactly this reason!! Let the procreation commence. 😉

  6. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I shared the ride of over-indulgence shame aboard the porcelain bus this weekend. Mine was due to liquor overload, not ice cream. I hadn’t done that in 30 years, and now I remember why. Even 2 days later, the thought of a rich, creamy shake has me running for the Pepto.

    My sympathies to Peppermeister and yes, you are a bad wife.

    • haha All aboard the shame train, Peg! Next stop: My Big, Fat Gypsy Wedding on the DVR! I hope you’re feeling better. I feel strangely proud of you.

      Oh and Peppermeister only HAD Pepto thanks to me. 😉 Then again, he only needed it because of me. Hmm. Well. Never mind that last bit.

  7. I made a “dead baby coffin” suggestion for an ice cooler for a buddy’s retirement party. Should’ve seen the room turn on me. Whew. I *still* think it’s an hilarious suggestion (but I go get any dead baby jokes should’ve been left in grade 6).

    ::shrugs:: I gotta be me, baby.

    • hahaha!! Oh, madtante, I love you. I don’t know how you’ll take this, but I mean it as a major compliment – you remind me of The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. the blogger of the century, whose memoir everyone is reading right now). I wish I had been there when you said that!

      • Being the true media-asthmatic that I am, I’ve never heard of her. You may have noticed I stopped hearing of people somewhere around 1968? (oddly, born in 71…)

        If you say it’s a compliment, I’ll take it! She much be AWESOME.

      • …and true to form: I’d google who she is but can’t be bothered. Mostly since I already know she has to be clever, beautiful and divine.

  8. Oh, Jules, when do I not laugh inappropriately? Laughter is my nervous respose to any stressful situation and I’m the type that just can’t hold it back. I usually find myself making highly inappropriate jokes in the worst places. My oldest daughter is the exact same way. We both attended an obligatory viewing for a distant aunt. As my daughter and I walked by the body, we noticed two flies buzzing around her face. My daughter leaned over to me and whispered, “Oh Gawd, mom, they’re just waiting for us all to leave so they can start eating.” It does not bode well with family to crack up whilst standing over an ancient, dead, great aunt!!

    I hope the hubs is feeling better soon!

    • I know this goes without saying, but I’m the same way, Sprinkles! Sometimes it backfires when people don’t take me seriously in work situations, but, I’d rather be laughing than a stuffy, boring suit 😉

      Oh, I would have lost it then, too! Thank goodness for family that ‘gets’ us! And yes, he is feeling better, thanks!

  9. Not only did I laugh inappropriately, I couldn’t stop. One time my husband and daughter were just non-stop harping on each other. To the point I got sick of it and just went “Nyang nyang nyang nyang nyang. Gawd you two, knock it off!” They both, simultaneously, turned and gave me the death look. At which point I said in an announcer-type voice, “And now, they are united against a common enemy.” And then I began to laugh hysterically. For the next ten minutes. Couldn’t breathe, tears streaming down my face laughing. My husband was less than amused, but my daughter ended up laughing too because I was so ridiculous.

    If nothing else, I stopped the fighting. So job well done.

    • Ha ha! Job well done, indeed! I love that – your line was PERFECT! Sometimes when you get strange looks, it just makes the giggle fit go on even longer. I’m glad your daughter joined in in the end! 🙂

  10. Yes! I wrote a karma post about it. I got slapped upside the head so fast it made my head spin! ……Still laughing….. I hope he feels better!

  11. I usually go with the Snickers mix in, too. Please say it wasn’t the Snickers that did the damage!

    • ha! Never fear, Thoughtsy! It was definitely the ice cream. We don’t normally eat much ice cream, so his stomach was not prepared for the onslaught!

  12. Kinked Slinky

    Cant tell you how funny I find “things I’m not allowed to blog about” -Just came across you, cant wait to read more !!!!

    • I’m so glad you found me (and I LOVE your user name) – I can already tell your new blog is/is going to be faboo!

      I can’t even tell you how often I think about starting an anonymous blog, just so I can unlock that ‘things I’m not allowed to blog about’ file 😉

      • Kinked Slinky

        Thanks ! My “job” lets me be fly-on-the-wall to some pretty interesting situations, hoping its good material ! & my user name was my second choice but I thought “ripped the stickers off my rubiks cube” was too long !

  13. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    So funny – when I read ‘post-baptism party’ my mind actually said ‘postpartum party’! I genuinely had to reread the line!!

    You sound like a gorgeous wife & your pic with your man is great. After all it’s YOU who went to the drug store early a.m.

    This is great writing, so comfortable, casual, & gives me a smiling mental picture of your life 🙂

    Noeleen
    http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com/www.WordsFallFromMyEyes.wordpress.com

    • Hi Noeleen! ‘Postpartum party,’ ha! That might have been something I WOULD just have to blog about.

      THANK YOU for being the only person to acknowledge that I am clearly a GREAT wife because I went out early (as soon as the store opened) to buy him some salvation 😉

      And thank you for the wonderful compliment – I REALLY appreciate that!

  14. We don’t have a Sonic here. I wish we did so I could laugh at Jim buying a truck-sized drink. I seriously hope your hubby is feeling better.

    And I love that picture of you two!
    By the way, I also mentioned Dead Sea salt in my post today. Is this a sign that we’re blogging too much together and our post cycles have synchronized?

    • Oh no! Does this mean BOTH your blogs will be bitchy and bloated in a couple weeks? I’m gonna stock up on chocolate just in case…..

    • Darla! I realized earlier today (when I couldn’t respond) that your posts aren’t showing up in my reader – I think I’ve missed the last two! Could it be your awesome new domain?? And if I’m going to sync up with anyone’s blogging cycles, I’m glad it’s yours, LOL (It keeps happening to B-Man and me, too, though…so what does that say?!)

      The hub is definitely feeling better – I don’t know if I’d have had to nerve to publish this today if he wasn’t! 😉

      • Dammit! It probably is my new domain! well I am posting about this reader issue tomorrow and I swear by WordPress God, I will get to the bottom of things…I have had enough of no one reading my blog then blaming it on the reader!

        And I am very glad you and I are in complete sync. But if B-Man posts about his sagging boobs or hot flashes tomorrow I think we should all just start spending more time apart.

  15. My wife is the inappropriate laugher. The more awkward or embarrassing a situation, the more anxious I get that she’ll become nervous and start laughing.

    • I just keep picturing your trophy gift-giving. I think laughing is appropriate when the situation is inappropriate. …Now the word “appropriate” is starting to sound weird.

  16. Giggle. I also laugh when I should not. OMG, the food from Sonic–gah!! Your poor man!! I am having sympathy stomach pains–I’m the one who would be slayed by that delicious (smirking) meal!

  17. I would never laugh at inappropriate times.

    Nor ever be sarcastic.

    Or ever exaggerate a million times.

    Oh yeah, I love Sonic. It’s almost as good as In-N-Out.
    *cue the inappropriate laughter*

  18. Hm, weird that the body might have some kind of “objection” to a bucket of fake ice cream and cookies.

  19. When I lived in Houston I actually mystery-shopped Sonic. Now those were the glory days.
    My husband & I were at a classical music event and the only part of the conductor we could see in the orchestra pit was the top quarter of his bald head, bobbing around madly like a ping pong ball. We both started laughing silently till I thought we’d both explode. Intermission couldn’t come soon enough.
    And, I have to admit, I laughed to myself when my husband hung out the back window of the Magic Bus like a dog, puking after refusing to go to the emergency room after 2 days of pain and then taking too many pain killers. (He recovered and knows the Queen will not tolerate any further stubborness.) This incident does make me sound quite heartless, though. Good think I’m not the Queen of Hearts.

  20. LOL. Love Modern Family! LOVE IT. I just started watching it recently myself. Also, I may have laughed when my husband fell down the stairs. He was okay granted, but I definitely laughed at first before asking that.

  21. I love your hair in that picture, Jules! Ahh, Sonic, that takes me back to the good old days. I used to love to wash down an order of tots with one of those super sweet cherry limeades. These days, I’m pretty sure I would be doubled over in just as much pain as your poor husband. I get heartburn if I just look in the general direction of grease.

    • Thanks, Rian! That was pre-Sonic hair, LOL I’ve heard the limeade-type drinks are one of the main reasons people go there! But I’m DEFINITELY too old for those now, too! I think I have adult onset diabetes just thinking about it.

  22. Such an awesome post and so fittingly a Go Guilty Pleasures post. I especially loved the stacking Duggars comment and the bit about marveling at Charlie Sheen and puppeteers (I do marvel at puppeteers by the way, you know me so well). Loved this.

    • Oh, Angie. You so get me. I was JUST talking to Peppermeister about that (Charlie Sheen and puppeteers) when this comment came through last night. I was all, “Because you know when you MARVEL, and it’s not a hate OR love reaction, it’s just, well, a MARVEL?”

  23. Tater cheese tots sound AMAZING. I love fast food. It’s my Achilles heel.

    • Ah HAH! Nina’s guilty pleasure REVEALED! What’s your favorite fast food joint/food?? I really am a sucker for White Castle, and that’s gotta be the WORST of them all 😉

  24. Looks like you’re having a pretty fun time. 😀

    • Ha! Welcome to the party, Sajib! Can I get you anything? Vodka? Chocolate-covered breakfast meat? A fantasy relationship with your favorite “Glee” cast member?

  25. Love your new photo, Groucho. You remind me of a bag of chip-clipped quinoa in my fridge, for some strange reason.

    • Ha! Thanks, Peg! I wanted everyone to see the real me, at last. I will overlook the fact that your mustache chip-clip is clipping something as healthy as quinoa. Just this once.

  26. I actually laugh at things I’m not supposed to laugh at every day, and make a living at it!—Ty Treadwell, author of Death Row’s Oddest Inmates

    http://deathrowsoddestinmates.blogspot.com/

  27. I always laugh at things i’m not supposed to. Especially things that involve my husband. We don’t get seriously mad at each other very often but every time he is really upset with me for some reason i find it totally hilarious and laugh at him which surprisingly doesn’t help the situation. I think the lot of us growing up in the 80’s can partially blame americas funniest home videos for making it okay to laugh at others misfortunes lol.
    Also, i totally want that milkshake.
    Also X 2 when we were in our honeymoon in california fast food was amazingly cheap and i swear i gained 10 pounds on that trip. We don’t have taco bell in Victoria anymore (only taco time and it’s not the same at all) and so I must have had those awful nacho cheese tots every two days.

    • Erin, that is an EXCELLENT point about America’s Funniest Home Videos! Finally, I can blame Bob Sagat for something besides dirty stand-up comedy.

      Ohhh the cheese tots from Taco Bell! Yesss, that’s EXACTLY what I wanted when I ordered these from Sonic. Some things are worth getting 10 lbs. over. Especially if it’s something you can’t get at home!

  28. Haha, a reference to the Two Fat Chicks! Is there anything about you not to love?? Clareeesa and Jeneeefir never made a freakin’ thing that’d I’d ever want to put in my mouth, even on a dare, but I couldn’t resist watching them. They were awesome.

    • I’m crying tears of bacon grease, I miss that show so much. Also, thank you. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone with such exceptional taste [in bloggers].

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