Just For Fun, Kvetching, Lists, Uncategorized

Thanks a Lot, Phil

Isn’t it weird how one person can ruin a perfectly good name for you forever? Like, you’d sooner sit on the surface of the sun than name one of your kids after that person. This is such a universal feeling that it makes me laugh. (As universal as the idea that you need at least 3 snacks and 5 bottles of water for a 45-minute-long car ride.)

Here are just a few names that are ruined for me for all of eternity.

Clara

Oh Clara, Clara, Clara. I will never forget you, scary girl in one of my college creative writing workshops. You would tear down every word of every piece I ever wrote for that class. No one else did this, to me or anyone else, in any other workshop.

Clara was one of these angry people who hated me on sight, for no reason I could ever determine, except maybe that I smiled a lot. There’s a good chance that wherever she is now, she’s either 1) telling children Santa Claus doesn’t exist, 2) stealing ice cream from a toddler, or 3) pulling the wings off a butterfly.

Mike

I should probably let my hot-ass sister (seriously – any sexy, rich, single guys out there?) explain this one. Suffice it to say, she has one or two ex-boyfriends named Mike.

Phil

When I was in 7th grade, the slang term phat came out, meaning what today we (and by we I mean me) might call amazeballs. I will never forget the day a delinquent in my Social Studies class wrote “Julie is phat” on his desk, and proceeded to tell everyone it was because I was actually f-a-t. Hilarious, Phil. How’s jail treating you these days?

So, who’s ruined a name for you??

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Just For Fun, Uncategorized

Wanna Name My Car?

I’ve named every car I’ve ever had. My first car, a hand-me-down maroon 1987 Crystler Le Baron was The Toaster. Because, well, it felt like you were riding in a little tin toaster. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for The Toaster. Not just ’cause she was my first, but because she was healthy as a horse until her dying day, when she just wouldn’t start. True to guilty pleasure form, I even adorned her dash with 5 hunky passengers who always seemed to agree with me:

I was so sad when The Toaster went bye, bye, bye.

My second car, another hand-me-down, was a silver 1991 Geo Prism named Toasty. Toasty was a love child of The Toaster, and took after her in many toaster-y ways. This isn’t Toasty, but she looked a lot like this:

Photo credit: cargurus.com

I named my last car, a shiny new, baby blue 2005 VW Beetle convertible, Nudge, because anytime you left the door open or didn’t have your seatbelt on, she’d let you know about it in the most obnoxious way possible:

I know. I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wo-orld...

Two years ago, I sold Nudge, knowing it was time to buy a 4-door, grown-up car that I could actually see out of (Nudge sure was cute, but the visibility? Yeesh). I had to emotionally check out, knowing it was unlikely my next new-to-me car was going to make me smile on sight. I paid cash for my current car, a used blue 2006 Hyundai Sonata. The Sonata’s been very good to me, and I’m starting to feel guilty for not naming her.

A Hyundai by any other name...would still smell like a homeless person.

I need your help. Write-ins are MOST appreciated (please be sure to comment below for any write-ins; the poll ones don’t seem to appear!), otherwise, I’ve created a poll where you can vote below! Before doing so, though, here’s a few things you should know about the Sonata:

  • She has over 100,000 miles on her

  • When I say she’s blue, I mean she’s more of a garish, turquoise-y blue

  • She reeked of cigarette smoke when I bought her

  • When I turn on the vents, it smells like a homeless person for a few minutes

  • Her trunk is huge, and, it’s full of crap (so, you know, she has junk in her trunk)

  • According to the CarFax report, she was in not 1, not 2, but 3 accidents before I inherited her

Just For Fun, Kvetching, Uncategorized

Me + Irene + Justin Bieber

First off, I hope my fellow east coasters are okay! Or, to put it another way, I hope your Hurricane Irene experience was as disappointing ho-hum as last week’s earthquake.

Hurricanes are a real thrill-a-minute, though. I mean, just look:

While vodka, bottled water, books and solitaire by candlelight may sound like a good time, last night I was actually just pretending I was watching True Blood, the VMAs and Jersey Shore on that sweet, sweet TV.

Yeah, it sucked, big, boring Gobstoppers. Here’s an actual hurricane conversation in the kitchen with my husband on Saturday night:

Me (proudly): I’ve been drinking a glass of water for every [alcoholic] beverage I’ve had tonight.

Ed: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah. I’ve had a lot of water.

The good news is, everyone we know is all right and there’s no water in the house, the bad news is: no power since Saturday night. It’s Monday now and I’m at my parents’ house, with very little hope that my power will be restored anytime soon, given that two poles are down and no one’s working on them yet. At our house, we don’t have running water without power. Rotten food party, anyone?

Just one of the trees on one of the power lines by our house.

If I didn’t come here to my parents’ house, though, I wouldn’t have seen this on my niece and nephew’s toys:

Just For Fun, TV Junkie, Uncategorized

Dear Ryan Murphy

Dear Ryan Murphy,

Can you blame me? Photo credit: kfcplainfield.com

I don’t usually do this (except the one time I did, when I was 9 and in love with Neil Patrick Harris. And by the way, he totally sent an autographed black-and-white headshot in return. And I still kind of love him. A lot. I wish I knew where that picture was. I hope I didn’t throw it out when Elijah Wood stole my heart), but I had to tell you how I feel.

You used to scare me, Ryan Murphy. You’re very intimidating, and I’m very not. I thought you might be another Simon Cowell, except without the creepy winking, deep V’s and fondness for female models. But now “The Glee Project” is over and I find myself empty inside. You really cared about those kids; heck, you even let most of them win. What’s more, you recently told Perez

I see through this prickly exterior, Ryan Murphy, right into your little gummy bear heart. Photo credit: movieline.com

Hilton you’d write him into an episode “Glee” whenever he wanted. These are not the actions of a scary writer/television producer.

These contestants touched you. I saw it when you’d let a smile pass your lips; your eyes would

definitely twinkle a little. I liked the way you talked about who you could write for and why. I want to hear more. I want to know you, Ryan Murphy.

Also, if you could please tell Darren Criss there’s a 29-year-old, married project manager from New Jersey who may or may not have green hair who’s wondering why he hasn’t returned any of her calls, that would be great. Thanks, Ryan.

Sincerely,

gojulesgo

Food, Kvetching

You Say Tomato, I Say Desperation

Photo credit: wheredmyjobgo.blogspot.com

Right now* my head is covered in ketchup. Literally. (Would anyone ever say that figuratively?)

A summer of swimming has left my blonde hair green, and even the supposed miracle swimmer’s shampoo (which I consistently use immediately after each dip) has done jack-all, despite its horrifying sticker price.

If you try to do an internet search on any variation of “HELP I HAVE GREEN F*#$ING HAIR!!!”, you’ll find a lively debate raging on about the true cause of this affliction. The top two theories are copper pipes and chlorine. Since there’s not much I can do about either of those, I began searching for alternative methods to rid the punk rocker hue in my hair (though obviously not before researching local garage bands in need of a 29-year-old project manager who plays a mean triangle).

If I could pull it off like this I might have thought twice about the ketchup. Photo credit: e90post.com

Which is what brings me here, to this slimy, vinegar-scented moment. Hearing about any or all of your hair disasters would probably make me feel a whole lot better… 🙂

*Not actually right now, of course, because I’m at work and that would just be weird. But I wrote this last night. And yeah, it’s still green. Thanks for asking. I feel great about being at work with green hair.

Psst…Are you dying to know what happens? It’s a real cliff-hanger, isn’t it? I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Click here for the follow-up post!

Just For Fun, Lists, TV Junkie, Uncategorized

The Glee Project Announces Winner and I Explore Life’s Purpose

On Sunday night “The Glee Project” announced their winner, and I soooo nailed it – the guy with the dreads (Samuel) won! In a delightful everyone’s-a-winner twist, though, they also gave the Irish kid (Damian) a 7-episode contract, and both runners-up (Alex and Lindsay) will be appearing in 2 episodes! Like I wasn’t pumped enough for Season 3.

And the winner is…all of us. Photo credit: avclub.com

I actually had such a downer post ready to go up today (let’s just say a disturbing episode of “Restaurant Impossible” made me worry I’m one night of boob tubing and two vodka tonics away from being Kevin Spacey’s new ‘sloth’ victim [side note: isn’t “Se7en” the best scary movie ever?]). But then the skies parted and my little guilty pleasure guardian angels flew down and typed “Darren Criss” into my Google search engine (they really LOVE to do that). Which led me to…

A Darren Criss flash mob! (Done at a Chicago fair where Darren recently performed.) Sure, it’s amateurish, and goes on a little too long, but aren’t they cute? It lifted my spirits, and I hope it does the same for you!

Darren later tweeted that he could finally cross “witness a flash mob dance to your songs” off of his bucket list. People are always surprised to hear I have a bucket list, but doesn’t everyone? What’s that one water sport you’ve always wanted to try, or that one country/state you’ve always wanted to visit? See, ta da, bucket list started!

Here are a mere few of my bucket list items – I even included some I’ve already done to show you that guilty pleasure dreams really do come true (as if this post wasn’t proof enough!):

They say it’s the happiest place on earth, but I’ll be the judge of that. Photo credit: disneystore.com
  • Water ski

  • Climb a rock wall

  • Go on a cruise (preferably one that houses dueling pianists and a rock wall)

  • Ride a hot air balloon

Probably with this guy. Photo credit: buckscountyrivercountryblog.blogspot.com
  • Take a road trip through the Redwood forest

  • Get a book published (and subsequently become besties with Stephenie Meyer and J.K. Rowling)

  • Buy a baby grand piano and perform for my imaginary fans (and possibly film and share the evidence)

  • Make Darren Criss my second husband

    Mr. gojulesgo the second. Let's pretend I took this picture right before he proposed. To throw off his rabid fans, though, I shall give "photo credit" to: teen.com

 What’s on your bucket list??

Just For Fun, Lists, Uncategorized

You Are About to See Something Special

There are certain things people don’t usually share. Their salary, political beliefs, ‘magic number’, feelings on drugs and abortion, whether they really believe in God. I can appreciate this, but I’m about to show you something most people don’t usually divulge. That’s right. Here it comes…

My guilty pleasure resume!

It’s not so much a document detailing my experience as it is a photographic expression of my commitment to the lifestyle. Nevertheless, I’m available for hire for all your guilty pleasure gigs, big and small (please submit job descriptions, down payments, and pictures of animals dressed as other animals to gojulesgo@ialwaysknewidberich.com). Enjoy:

1.) I have a cabinet full of plastic Medieval Times cups at all times (keepsakes from my 27th birthday party that we use constantly):

I'd like to dedicate this toast to all the knights and wenches in the hiz-ouse.

2.) This is my Harry Potter wall calendar, hanging in the kitchen for all to admire:

Don't you hate the boring months like this? Who cares about these guys?

3.) A staple: vodka in the freezer. …’Scuse me, I’ll be right back…

If this doesn't make your mouth water...well, good. More for me.

4.) …Cheers. Here are all of the ingredients to make bonfire s’mores at any given moment:

Marshmallows + chocolate + graham crackers + fire = a g.d. good time, that's what.

5.) This is the light cover I made for my craft room. Yeah, that’s right, craft room (a.k.a. why my future children will be living in the shed):

Cheese-tastic.

6.) Here is my dog, Uncle Jesse’s, monogrammed L.L. Bean bed. I know I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. I’m proud. So proud. (I mean, c’mon. You’re allowed exactly 10 characters, including spaces. It was meant to be.)

The kind of happiness only money can buy.
I know. I don't take him seriously either.

7.) This is the comment my husband just made:

“Do you wish your whole life was blogging? You wouldn’t have a blog if you didn’t have a life, though.”

…Oh, what’s that you say? You’re dying to see my craft room, especially the stripes I painted on the walls myself? Well, okay, if you insist. Here it is!

Julie, you are SO creative! Why thank you, Julie.