Month: May 2012

Lists, New Jersey is breathtaking, Uncategorized

The Last Will and Testament of GoJulesGo

Go Jules Go

Well, Chipmunks.

This is it.

The weather in western New Jersey seems to finally be cooperating with Peppemeister‘s (a.k.a. First Husband’s) birthday gift to me plan to kill me. You know.

This:

Help me.

We leave in about an hour for our very first hot air balloon ride.

So close to the heavens, it’s only natural that I start to think: Once the angels catch a glimpse of my rocking side-pony and hot pink slap bracelet, they won’t want to let me back down to earth.

So in the event that I don’t return to you, please find…

The Last Will and Testament of GoJulesGo, PMP*

*Project Management Professional

Heartthrobs should stick together.

I bequeath my beloved dog, Uncle Jesse, to Second Husband, Darren Criss. Darling, it was only a matter of time before he was yours, anyway.

I bequeath whatever is left of my vodka supply to my best friends, Jenn and Mary, who will treat it exactly as I would. With cranberry juice and shamelessness.

Remember me this way, ladies.

To my mother, I give you all of Peppermeister’s musical instruments. Babs, he just killed me. Sell that shiz and take yourself on the shopping spree of a lifetime.

Go nuts, Pop. I love you.

To my father, I give you the money in my savings account. Take yourself out to a nice dinner. And what the heck, get the fries, too.

To my sister, I bequeath all of my dresses. To go with the ones you think I gave to you but really I thought we both understood this was a temporary thing.

And, finally, to you, dear Chipmunks, I give you this blog. May you honor my memory by ensuring that you indulge in your guilty pleasures, loud and proud, for all the rest of your days. And don’t listen to a word Zest and Zeal tell you. They have NO idea how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

They are not to be trusted.

Do you enjoy risking your own life?

Photo Credits

  • #1 (Darren Criss – before annotation) – people.com
  • #2 (McDonald’s) – smithfamilymcdonalds.com
Animals, Slap Bracelets, Uncategorized

Slap Bracelets Comeback – Part 4!

Go Jules Go

Chipmunks. I’m so excited I could just pee.

But I won’t.

I don’t think.

I now have enough GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelet photos to do not one, but two Slap Bracelet Comeback posts! So, continuing on in the order in which they were received…

#1 – Olivia from A Single Blog

Olivia and I are new buds. I was excited to hear from her a few weeks ago, requesting a slap bracelet and bloggy feedback. She reminded me of the best part of blogging – connecting with other writers.

Isn’t she purdy?
I think Russell is positively rabid for his slap bracelet.

#2 – Misty from Misty’s Laws

Misty really wants everyone to put their best foot forward, especially her family. She reminds people to stay on track (and out of stretch pants) in her always-amusing Friday fashion disaster feature, Weekly Whacked. For even more hilarity, check out this recent post that is as humorous as it is horrifying.

#3 – Erin from Catstache

You may remember Erin from her recent victory as a runner-up in the GoGuiltyPleasures gift basket giveaway. Her guilty pleasure submission, along with her AMAZING photo accompaniment, were simply breathtaking. She is a true chipmunk.

And her cat, Alex, may just be one of the cutest pets I’ve ever seen. Even if he is trying to mangle the greatest fashion look since side-ponies.

More slap bracelet pics to come next week! By the way, I still have some slap bracelets left, so email me ASAP., a.k.a., As Soon As Perfection-interests-you.

For more Slap Bracelet Comeback pics, click here.

What kind of guilty pleasures are you engaging in this weekend?

P.S. – I didn’t pee. …Yet. I think we’re safe.

Everyone Loves a Braggart...Right?, Just For Fun, Uncategorized

The Greatest Thank You Note of All-Time

Go Jules Go

Dearest Loved Ones,

While I know it is usually you who expresses gratitude to me, for bringing such light and laughter to your dreary lives [filled with not loving chipmunks and eating calorie-conscious meals], let us take this time to acknowledge my appreciation for all you do to appease me, especially on my birthday.

To my husband, Peppermeister, with your unparalleled taste in spouses: You took it upon yourself to hire a man to put us in a basket tied to a balloon as a “gift.” Even though they have absolutely no control over where the basket will go, or land, I know this is your way of saying that our love will forever defy the odds. And not at all that you want to kill me.

By the way, GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelets double as balloon weights. You're welcome.

To my wonderful mother, Babs, who finally got it right with her third child: You made a beautiful photo album, capturing the last 30 29+ years of my enviable life, because you felt visitors were not jealous enough of my current coffee table book, The Pop-Up Book of Phobias. Without your loving and watchful eye, these visitors might have left my home feeling like they had the upper hand – all because I serve White Castle and haven’t cleaned behind the TV in two years!

"I despise math, history bores me..."

To my genius father who still has all of his hair: I am willing to overlook those disturbing quotes from my college application essay that you included in the above album. I know that dredging up embarrassing memories is your way of trying to make your other children feel a little better about being constantly overlooked. You always try to be fair that way, even though it’s hopeless.

To my insane triathlon-competing sister: Thank you for wearing the dress I loaned you four months ago to my birthday dinner; you looked really great in it. It’s clear you wanted everyone to see what impeccable style I have, and I’m not jealous at all. But you should know that that one will be out of fashion soon, so you should just give it back. I wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself.

To my adorable niece and nephew, who take after their aunt in looks: Thank you for giving me hope that someone I know will eventually join a glee club based on his top-notch jazz hands, thus exponentially increasing my chances of meeting Second Husband, Darren Criss. Also thank you for believing I’m famous because I refer to my “blog” as “a super popular website.”

To my completely normal and nice in-laws: I’m forever delighted by the ability of our families to get together without fights, tears or backhanded compliments. It’s like I didn’t even steal your only son away from you. Oh and that gift card is pretty sweet, too. Keep those coming.

To my best friend, Jenn: No one gets me like you do. Except for that guy who makes my egg sandwiches and puts way more cheese on them than is remotely appropriate. No, no one gets me like you do. And no one gets me flowers except you, either. Actually, that’s kind of a problem. Let’s talk about how to fix that the next time we get together.

I love that you love me, family and friends. Clearly loving me so much has made all of you better people.

But don’t worry about thanking me for that yet. Christmas is just around the corner.

Love always, or until all that champagne you got me runs out,

Jules

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

What’s the most guilty pleasure-ful gift you’ve ever gotten?