Category: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Fountain of Uncouth

Go Jules Go

Let’s see. We’ve already covered the fact that I was an extra on “Dawson’s Creek,” am obsessed with Glee, Harry Potter and little miss pageants, and that I named my dog after a “Full House” character. You might be thinking this well’s about to dry up.

Nay, friends, I’ve only just begun. (It certainly helps that blogging about guilty pleasures is, in and of itself, a guilty pleasure. That shouldn’t be allowed. It’s like trying to stare at the sun.)

Here are a mere few of the things I plan to bring to your [rapt] attention over the coming weeks. (Please feel free to express your gratitude by subscribing. Or by sending pictures of animals dressed as other animals.)

1. What to expect if you see Daniel Radcliffe naked, live, as I have.

2. What NOT to say if someone asks if you want to attend a week-long Project Management Boot Camp in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania.

3. 9021-Oh My God.

4. Robert Pattinson SINGS! (Holy sh*t, how have I not gotten to this yet!?)

5. My Plan to Save Mankind, a.k.a. The Power of Haikus

6. MY MOST SHAMEFUL GUILTY PLEASURE OF. ALL. TIME.

See you on the flip side, Crackers (have you not tried these yet?)!

Music, Uncategorized

Modern Fart

Go Jules Go

My husband has been trying to convince me of the power of farts for quite some time now. “They’re hilarious,” he says over and over again. I always lift my delicate nose high in the air and scoff.

Yesterday, though, something disturbing happened. I arrived at my friend’s house and she escorted me to the kitchen saying, “[My husband’s] cutting the cheese.” And I had to bite my tongue to keep from giggling!

Really, Julie, I thought to myself, you’re almost 29 years old. And that’s almost 30. It’s time to put the fart jokes behind you. Then I remembered my blog, the perfect place to embrace the inherent humor of farts! Everyone wins.

Farts are universal, and while nothing new, in today’s modern age we have access to some of the finest farts around. My husband will gladly show you his Fart app, which has over 100 unique farting noises.

Because I would never deny you instant gratification or the opportunity to GOGP, I present you with my top three favorite fart moments. Don’t forget to cast your vote!

P.S. – You haven’t really lived until you’ve tagged a blog about farts.

#1 – Iguana Fart? Why, Yes, I do

#2 – Farts on the Sly – Live!

#3 – I Motion to, Well, You Know

Music, Uncategorized

Let Your GLEEk Flag Fly

Go Jules Go

Fellow guilty pleasure enthusiasts, I think you’ll be proud. I’ve just spent the last two days Googling, Wikipedia-ing and generally cyber-stalking one Mr. Darren Criss. Isn’t technology grand?

If the name Darren Criss doesn’t sound familiar, fear not, I am here to enlighten you. (You might want to jot that name down, though, because I think this kid is going places.) 24-year-old Darren Criss’s shining face and golden voice have been wooing us for the past several months on “Glee,” where Criss plays Blaine, Kurt’s very first gay friend and co-crooner of the Dalton Academy Warblers. Not only does Criss fully commit to the preppy blue blazer and campy dance routines, he does a mean version of Katy Perry’s, “Teenage Dream.”

What really got my GOGP-meter firing on all cylinders was last week’s episode, when Blaine finally grasped his feelings for Kurt. He captured the moment of realization silently, brilliantly, in one of those magic scenes that makes me want to quit my day job and crash the set, so that I can witness firsthand the next ground-breaking episode. (I know it’s FOX, but when’s the last time you saw network television romanticize a same-sex relationship between high schoolers, during primetime, no less?)

I was sure that this Darren Criss fellow had to be drawing on personal experience to deliver the aforementioned performance, but am now convinced (thanks to an enlightening Vanity Fair article) that he is straight. Impressive. He was raised in San Francisco and graduated from the University of Michigan, where he studied drama, which explains his ambigious-seeming sexual orientation. He’s got a fairly robust resume and even released an EP on iTunes last year (check out “Not Alone“).  He is featured in two music videos with Charlene Kaye, a fellow U. of Michigan alum, lest any of his vocal chops go to waste.

But here’s the real clincher – he and his U. of Michigan classmates founded Team StarKid, and in 2009 produced a play called “A Very Potter Musical,” which, to date, has nearly 5 million hits on YouTube.  Criss portrays Harry and is credited as one of the primary songwriters on this and other StarKid productions.

Darren, you go girl. I mean, good lookin’ out, bro.

Animals, PSAs, Uncategorized

King of the World, er, Jungle: My Very First Public Service Announcement #savetigersnow

Go Jules Go

Leonardo DiCaprio is the bee’s knees. I own every movie he’s ever made (this includes a tape-recorded version of “Critters 3“), but… he’s always making me feel guilty. If you follow him on Twitter or Facebook (which I TOTALLY do), you know what I mean. Somehow between kicking thespian tail, selling watches and looking super-cute, he finds time to crusade for things like coral reefs and the ozone.

This year, it’s tigers.

If, like me, you’re feeling schmucky and want to feel a little less schmucky, click on Tony and donate:

Food, Lists, Uncategorized

My Ultimate Dieting Secrets REVEALED

Go Jules Go

Diets aren’t a guilty pleasure, but cheating on them certainly is. I’ve been cheating on my diet for 723 days now, and I’d like to let you in on my secrets. You’re welcome in advance.

Pop Tarts

They put two in every sleeve, meaning it is OBVIOUSLY appropriate to eat both. Try it.

Go Big or Go Bacon.

Preferably, both.

= 1 serving.

You probably already knew this one. I should have given you more credit. I’m sorry.

Elastic-waisted pants.

But don’t worry. You’re not gaining weight, they just shrunk in the wash.

Booze

Drink early, drink often. Remember, it’s 7am somewhere.

Mantras

It’s important to have a mantra. Charlie Sheen likes to think he’s bi-winning. I prefer “Rice Cakes are Evil.” Look at this woman. I’ve named her Carolyn. Carolyn doesn’t really want to eat that rice cake. The devil is making her do it. Fight the good fight, Carolyn!

I’ll give you a minute to grab a pen, because I’m about to share THE most important secret when it comes to [cheating on] your diet:

Will Power

When you find you’re craving fruit, water, or god forbid, tennis, take a moment, sit down and think, “Is this REALLY what I need right now?”

Uncategorized, Uncle Jesse

Forever and Ever

Go Jules Go

We had our breeder picked out before the puppies were born, and it was a long waiting process until at long last Uncle Jesse, our precious Australian Labradoodle, came to live with us.

When the puppies turned 7 weeks old, we were told which one would be ours, and I thought it only fitting to make a tribute video to occupy me until we could pick him up 1 week later.

(Special thanks to Beth!)

Animals, Uncategorized

Animals Dressed as Other Animals

Go Jules Go

About 8 years ago, I was at a local Hallmark store with no idea that my life was about to change. That’s when I saw a rack of little Boyd’s bears dressed up as other animals. I think they were supposed to be Christmas ornaments, but in reality they were everything I never knew I always wanted. Ever since then, I cannot get enough of animals dressed as other animals, be they real or fake. I think it has a lot to do with my deep-seated need to give animals voices of their own in this cruel, cold world. Imagining a bear pretending to talk like a moose? Or a cow trying to be a rabbit? O.M.G. It’s like the Halloween of the animal kingdom. Will the fun never cease?

"Ooh, look at me, I'm a moose. Ooooh. I'm so moosey, with my antlers and my Harry and David candy. Oooh."

I wanted to share a lot more of this overwhelming cuteness with you, but–

Oh deer, someone beat me to it!

http://animalsdressedasotheranimals.tumblr.com/

Here’s a sneak peek:

Booze, Uncategorized

It’s 7am somewhere.

Go Jules Go

There’s really nothing I enjoy more than drinking, and I’d like to take a little time out to debunk drinking myths and challenge the pervasive taboos.

Drinking Before 5pm

If you’ve ever been to a St. Patrick’s Day parade or to an all-inclusive resort, you’ll see that I’m not alone in ignoring this ridiculous rule. There’s a reason mimosas and bloody marys exist. And what about people working the graveyard shift? They’re not allowed to pop open a brewsky when they get home from work at 7am? That’s not a very nice way to treat our police force and medical professionals, you know.

Drinking Alone

Who ever decided that this was the surefire sign that you’re 3 seconds away from locking yourself in the garage with the car running? If you go out to dinner alone, it’s all, “Good for you, Larry!”, but taking yourself on a wine and cheese date in front of the T.V. is out of the question? I don’t drink alone because I’m lonely, I drink alone because sometimes I’m the best company around and L.I.T.s are delicious. Cheers, dammit.

Drinking to Get Drunk

Drinking isn’t so much about the flavor of the alcohol (winos, ‘fess up)  as it is the entire experience.  No one likes a slob spilling merlot on your amazing new shoulder-padded sweaterdress, but everyone who drinks likes a buzz. If they didn’t, the virgin daquiri enterprise would be a lot more successful, and non-alcoholics would know what a Coors Cutter is. Drinking is so popular because it Feels Good!

Situational Drinking

Let’s face it, there are simply some things that one cannot bear without a little help from Jimmy or Jack. For some, it’s family events, for others, it’s work. Or baby-sitting. For me, it’s club music, overcrowded bars and “Citizen Kane.” After a few Blue Moons, the 20-deep line to the bathroom doesn’t seem quite so horrendous, and combatting film snobs about their greatest movie of all time is sporting good fun.

Lists, Uncategorized

My Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Professions

Go Jules Go

Lists in and of themselves are a guilty pleasure for me, and I can often be found tallying up tasks I’ve already completed, just so I can cross them off. Like this one.

1 down, 9 to go…

10. Keebler Elf

First order of business: deep fryer. (You thought those Fudge Stripes were good before?)

9. Debbie Downer Sound Effects Specialist

We all know one. In my case, let’s call her Phyllis. Because that’s her name. Exhibit A:

FRIDAY – MIDDAY – INT. WOMEN’S BATHROOM

ANONYMOUS COLLEAGUE: How you doin’, Phyllis?

PHYLLIS: Oh, you know. It’s just too much. I’m having a mental breakdown. How are you?

ANONYMOUS COLLEAGUE: Oh pretty good, thanks. TGIF!

PHYLLIS: They even replaced the paper towels. How are we supposed to dry our hands with these?

Sad Trombone

8. Merkin Maker

Don’t know what a merkin is? You’re better off. Don’t Google it. Do-on’t do it!

7. Robert Pattinson’s White Chest Make-up Applicator

Time is running out on this one.

6. Demotivational Speaker

“Thanks for joining me today. Have you guys all seen ‘March of the Penguins’?”


5. “Jersey Shore” Stand-in

I would go to jail for you, Snooks. Cawl me!


4. Character Actor, Harry Potter Theme Park, Walt Disney World

When you wish upon a star…that star usually gets a restraining order.


3. Bubble Wrap Packaging Popper

Click here only if you dare: http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf


2. Baby Lamb BMI Calculator

Looks like Bonnie’s at 35. It’s time.

1. “Dawson’s Creek” Background Actor

Oh wait, been there, done that.

TV Junkie, Uncategorized

Mannequins in My Closet

Go Jules Go

When I think of guilty pleasures, nothing fills me with more shame or more delight than a little TLC show called, “Toddlers and Tiaras.” Seen it? It’s okay, this is a safe zone (and the safe word is “glitz”). Go on, admit it. You love it, too.

It turns out there’s a lot to learn when it comes to little miss-guided pageants. My mom likes to tell me I was born during a Miss America pageant and that’s why I have this strange obsession. For example, do you know how they get those perfect smiles? Something called a ‘flipper,’ which is a fake set of snowy white teeth that the children snap over their gap-toothed imperfections. The parents shell out about $300 and send a mold in the mail to Never Never Land, even though their kids quickly outgrow this accessory. This says nothing of the thousands they spend on bedazzled dresses, ‘falls’ for the hair, fake nails and spray tans. All for a 2-foot tall trophy, if they’re lucky.

I was horrified when the previews first began to air, but alas, my will power was no match for the man behind TLC’s curtain. My moral compass imploded as I watched a 3-year-old, doing Madonna for her ‘talent,’ walk on stage in a gold, cone-shaped bustier. You know it’s bad when the other pageant moms gasp.

The pageant directors are a spectacle of their own, the ghosts of dreams past lurking behind the feverish glint in their eyes. They take their jobs VERY seriously, but can’t even seem to string a sentence together as they stand behind a rickety wooden podium announcing the contestants. They give you a glimpse into the corrupt world of pageantry, hinting that the judges already have a favorite or that the entry fees were misallocated and the pageant might have to be canceled. I drove all the way from Louisiana and all I got was a 5-year-old hyped up on Pixie Stix? I think not.

My absolute favorite element of all of this is the pageant fathers. Really? Really, Ava’s mom from Texas? Really, Jayla’s mom from West Virginia? Do you REALLY think he’s in it for moral support? You might want to check his closet for that missing feather boa. And don’t be surprised by what else you find in there.