Think of all the poor little children without denim in 2001.
I forgave you for the denim suit you wore to the American Music Awards in 2001. I forgave you for the cornrows you wore to…lots of places. But when you stopped going on tour and took up acting? Well, that one still smarts.
You’re a top-notch performer, J.T. We can all appreciate that (even the macho-macho-men). But that’s not acting.
Look at them! They're so straight and...teeth-y.
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry because I love you. You have beautiful teeth.
Please remember that as I tell you I’ve finally figured out why you can’t act (something I’ve been pondering ever since I saw Model Behavior on ABC):
I wanted to like it. I really did.
You’re too confident and famous.
You have NO idea what it’s like to be normal. That’s not an insult. You just don’t. Why would you? It’s kind of like the way I don’t know how to be cool, or how to end an awkward conversation.
When you act, you try to pretend you’re the nice guy who finishes last, but it’s just pretend. I think you think by using your ‘breathy voice’ that you’re conveying vulnerability, but you’re not.
Oh. I feel so bad saying this. Did I mention I love you? You’re the only one who can bring sexy back.
But the thespian thing, it’s just not working out. I mean, you’ve been in some REALLY good movies. You’re tall and handsome. But I still don’t believe you. You’re not a superhero or the guy next door or the smarmy entrepreneur.
Chipmunks-in-a-trunk (tree trunk, that is), I mentioned in my first ever video blog that I would be bringing back not only the side pony, but also…
SLAP BRACELETS!
And I’m no liar.
They just arrived today!!!
They’re REFLECTIVE! You know, for safety.
I’ve got 200 of these puppies (dressed as rad, neon pink accessories) to give away, and you’re gonna want to make sure you get one! Don’t be the only one at the guilty pleasure party without the latest bling.
If you trust me enough to send me your address (and why wouldn’t you? Nothing says trustworthy like this), email me at julie.davidoski@yahoo.com. I’ll get one in the mail to you lickety-split.
All I ask in return is that you take a picture of you and/or your loved ones/pets wearing the slap bracelets and allow me to post it here on goguiltypleasures.com.
Chipmunks! We’re gonna bring back slap bracelets!! (…FINALLY.)
There are a lot of reasons I heart my besties, Jenn and Mary. Namely:
They are funny.
They think I am funny.
They are smart.
They think I am smart funny.
But when it comes to enumerating their many qualities, the word crafty (like Martha Stewart-crafty, not Wet Bandits-crafty) doesn’t necessarily spring to mind. Nevertheless, this holiday season, I decided to push them out of their comfort zones, right into gingerbread village. To help them cope with the shock, I provided the following:
1.) A home-cooked roast chicken dinner.
2.) Encouragement Vodka.
3.) Uncle Jesse in a sweater.
4.) John Denver and the Muppets.
5.) Duct tape.
Mary says Jenn was 'icing with rage.' I say her candy cane suicide threats were empty.
We set to work.
"All the vodka in the world can't make this right."
"You will not defeat me, Gingerbread!"
One Two hours later…
Mary's gingerbread creation puts the "tree" in "treeat."
The stuffing Uncle Jesse immediately ripped out of his new toy from Mary made for really nice snow around my sleigh.
"Gingerbread houses divided will not stand." -Jenn (Image courtesy of Google Earth, Gingerbread Edition)
And in the end, the gingerbread creations [couldn’t stand the long drive home for Jenn and Mary and] were mine…all mine! Merry Christmas, me!
Any holiday crafts going on in your neck ‘o the woods, Chipmunks?
Let me start off by saying ’tis the season of giving. But if you’re one of those modest people who doesn’t want to make a Christmas Wish List, you’re probably just frustrating your loved ones. I know you don’t want that. Make one, send it, pronto! Guaranteed free shipping before Dec. 25th doesn’t last forever, Chipmunks.
Every year, my husband, The Peppermeister, e-mails our family his Christmas Wish List in a timely manner. People look forward to it.
Here’s [a few examples of] why:
2007
Ok so here is the list that you have all been waiting for. I know that you all love me and I will get everything on this list. I am so lucky to have such terrific parents, a great pregnant sister and brother in law and a good enough fiance’. As always, please communicate with one another to ensure that this christmas is among the best i’ve ever had.
2008
As always, I encourage you to look for great deals. Deviating from the list is not encouraged, and frowned upon. I categorized them to make it easier for you, my beloved family.
For the Bar (Because a man needs a cave, and that cave needs cliché bar stuff)
1. Sweet dartboard with wooden doors and chalk boards for score keeping (I’d like real darts, not electronic or rubber, safety is NOT a priority)
For General Practicality and “bad-ass-edness” (Because you never know when the zombie apocalypse will occur)
1. Wind up (crank) LED flashlight without radio
–and–
2. Wind up (crank) flashlight with am/fm radio
3. Leatherman 830032 Blast Multitool with Leather Sheath
Gift Cards (Because I want you to take money that used to be good everywhere, and make it good in only one place)
1. Target – “Terrget”
2. Gamestop
2011
Happy Birthday Jesus!
This year, I’ve tried to make things as easy as possible for my generous family. I’ve created an Amazon wish list.
When trying your best to please me this Christmas, be sure to note the following:
-There are two pages on that wish list.
-I have plenty of sweaters.
And another painless year of holiday shopping commences.
Chipmunks, I… I can’t even… I mean it’s just so… Deep breath. Okay. I’m having trouble typing because of THIS ARTICLE.
Have mercy!
Second Husband (Darren Criss) + People’s Sexiest Man Alive photo shoot = eating peanut butter cups and drinking champagne on a cloud while watching Glee and having someone tell me I’m perfect.
Here’s a sneak peek:
Clearly the guilty pleasure gods wish to appease me.
He looks like Eric from The Little Mermaid*. Or, you know, like every dream come true.
I am going to have to add a new bullet point to my “Why Polygamy is the Right Choice for You” presentation (if you think this presentation is just a figment of my imagination, you don’t know me very well): You can be the pretty one in the relationship. Pinky swear.
All right. I think I can move on now, to what this post was originally supposed to be about (oops).
I saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 this weekend (I’ll give you a moment to recover from the shock). I thought it was a lot more carefully done than Eclipse and I always enjoy seeing my favorite books come to life on the silver screen. I especially loved the wedding speeches and the closing shot.
I have a whole new set of ideas for my second wedding now. Photo credit: twilightnewssite.com
What did you think of Breaking Dawn?! (Feel free to ignore this question to comment instead about how much joy I will bring to Second Husband’s abs life.)
*I spent a considerable amount of time coming up with Little Mermaid puns for this paragraph, and then thought better of it…until this footnote. Here’s my favorite:
This week whenever I heard a fly beat I felt like little elves chipmunks were scurrying around in my limbs, making me shimmy and shake like Shakira someone with two left feet. (Renée, I know you know what I’m talkin’ about!)
I’ve also been catching up on one of my favorite TLC shows (what would we do without them, Sprinkles?!), 19 Kids and Counting. One of the episodes was an interview episode, where people from ’round the globe submitted questions to the 21-strong (and counting…) Duggar family. Perhaps the most interesting question was fielded by 20-year-old Jill Duggar: “Why is it a family rule not to dance?”
The answer (if it looks like words are missing it’s because sweet Jill is shy and skirting around some things):
I don’t think it’s necessarily a rule. We don’t want to stir up desires, just different things that, um, cannot be…righteously fulfilled, that cannot be, um, I don’t know, so, anyways, our family has chosen not to dance.
Jim Bob, the patriarch, added that they try not to “shake body parts around” to draw attention to their bodies. When asked if the family was familiar with the Beatles, Jim Bob diplomatically responded that the Beatles were very talented musicians, but
Unholy goodness. Photo credit: abcnews.go.com
his family prefers classical and Christian music. He said his children probably don’t know who the Beatles are.
Sigh. I heart the Duggars. I really do. I think they’re lovely. But…
No dancing? I don’t get it. They wake board and sky dive and make tater tot casserole. There is nothing pure about tater tot casserole.
I can’t imagine not busting a move when I hear tunes like this. (Trust me, you want to click on that link.) Seriously. A world without dancing? Why don’t you just take away chipmunks while you’re at it?
Cheery Chipmunks, I’m sure you’ve noticed (har har) that I haven’t been quite as active in the blogosphere over the last few weeks. True, my guilty pleasures keep me well occupied and we were without power for 7 days, but I’ve also been working on other writing projects. No, I’m not talking about my series of woodland creature haikus or the “Why Polygamy is the Right Choice for You” presentation for Second Husband.
Hang on. Just thought of a really good bullet point for the presentation… You will possess the ultimate conversation bomb.
Okay. So. Other writing. I wouldn’t call it cheating on you so much as experimenting. I have one complete piece that I don’t think I can agonize over any more (and by that I mean for another 3 years). It’s time to get serious.
Do you have any tips on finding a literary agent* and/or the submission process? If not, can you tell me in 15 words or less why the chicken crossed the road and if it’s safe to eat him?
*If you are a literary agent, may I just say: No one understands quality prose like you do.
Cherubic chipmunks, today is the most magical day ever. It’s:
11–11–11!!!
What, you mean you don’t always make a wish every time the clock hits 11:11? And your favorite actor‘s birthday isn’t today? …Hmm. Okay. If you don’t think today is special, maybe we should talk about other special things. Things for which you will not be able to deny their specialness.
On this most bewitching day, I’d like to introduce you to [some of] the people I hold nearest and dearest. Also known as…
PeopleWhoRockMyGuiltyPleasure World
1. Babs
Don't worry. She likes surprises.
Babs is the Mommasita extraordinaire. She taught me everything I know about guilty pleasures, namely, how to harmlessly stalk celebrities. Babs also showed me the way around a Long Island Iced Tea (or seven) and how to write a proper greeting card. Sometimes I don’t even know why I bothered with school.
Babs is special because she agreed to have a third child when she only wanted two. Also because she makes people feel good just by being around, and she doesn’t even know it.
2. Peppermeister
Look at this little baby-faced couple (circa 2005)!
My hubster, the one and only Peppermeister, taught me how to embrace guilty pleasures that I might have otherwise been too embarassed to share (er, like this one). He’s also the person who convinced me to start a blog, and is there any greater guilty pleasure than blogging about guilty pleasures (as I’ve mentioned before, it’s like trying to stare at the sun)?
Peppermeister is special because he once told a college english class -before we were dating- that I was “appropriately feminine.” Also because he’s the funniest, most selfless person I’ve ever met.
3. Bee-atch
On one of our more conservative shopping trips to Wal-Mart.
My Big Sis (actually, not-so-big – homegirl has lost almost 100 lbs. in the past year!) knows a thing or two about guilty pleasures. What she does with Pilsbury crescent rolls could blow your mind. She’s an inspiration!
Bee-atch is special because she lets me live vicariously through her dating life and is super-fun when she’s drunk. Also because she’s the only person I know who can dish it out as well as she can take it.
4. Bestie
I don't know why she didn't marry me. Look how happy I make her.
Some of you know Bestie, a.k.a. Jenn, from our stellar interview on JM Randolph’s blog. More than 11 years ago, Bestie rescued me from the depths of bad poetry despair and told me to have some g.d. fun! From animals dressed as other animals to vodka to hilarious Hallmark cards, she gets it.
Bestie is special because she thinks it’s funny when I’m angry. Also because she’s one of the smartest, most talented chicks on the planet. (Let’s see if I can convince her to introduce her music to the blogosphere…)
5. SIL
What a nice sister and girlfriend this band dude had - wearing his face on our shirts! And yes, this is in front of the legendary Stone Pony in Asbury Park, NJ.
SIL (sister-in-law) helped me write an entire blog post, and in fact it’s one of the most popular to this day. If that isn’t guilty pleasure inspiration, I don’t know what is!
SIL is special because she remembers more things about my life than I do. Also because she welcomes people into her heart and home even when they’re trying to secretly date her only sibling.
6. YOU!
Duh! You are totally special, too! I mean for starters, you have impeccable taste. You are also overwhelmingly attractive, and that counts for a lot everything.
You are special because you knew me when I was just an awesome blogger. Also because you take the time out of your busy day to encourage your fellow writers.
P.S. – If you’d like to repay me for all the compliments, please email me the secret(s) to levitation.
Once upon a time, Mother Nature had a stroke and decided New Jersey was getting off too easy. Sure, sure, there’s tolls on the highways and you can’t bring beer on the beach, but…no scorpions! So, she threw us a heaping scoop of hurricane with a sprinkling of tornado. Nah, she thought, still not cutting it. I know!Earthquake! That seemed to satisfy her for a while, but when October 29th rolled around, she was restless again.
Mother Nature decided she’d start with a smattering of snow. Odd, I thought, but pretty.
Who doesn't like a Christmas tree farm dusted with snow?
Then…BAM!
FULL-ON SNOW STORM!
By the way, that ‘bam’ was the sound of every tree in New Jersey falling on every power line. As the most densely populated state in the U.S., that’s a lot of power lines. The snow was too heavy and the leaves too plentiful; giant branches bowed and then broke.
We weren’t anticipating a true storm (there’s no storm like it on record [for October] since the Civil War), so when it really started coming down and we lost power at 1 o’clock last Saturday afternoon, we headed out in search of a generator and bottled water (we have a well that doesn’t work when we lose power).
We encountered 5 power lines down in under an hour...which is how long it took us to go 6 miles.
We got the last generator, and it was enough to power the fridge. Not the heat or the water. So we waited in the dark. And waited and waited. We blanched at the news that 95% of New Jersey Central Power and Light’s customers would have power restored by the following Thursday, the remaining 5% on Friday. By Thursday?! That was 6 full days away! We had needs! …Like showering for work.
Guess who was in the 5%? Yup. That’s right. 7 days of flushing the toilet with melted snow and creek water later…
I’M BACK!
Of course, I have to return with a bang, so for your viewing pleasure…
Uncle Jesse in costume!!!
I'm not sure he grasps what a privilege it is to be a chipmunk.
There are many like-minded souls out there, which fills my guilty pleasure heart to the brim. For example, I discovered via Twitter that last Halloween Second Husband bought a squirrel costume from Target for his brother’s dog:
He's carrying an acorn! OMG. (Click on picture for photo credit, but only if you dare.)
Annnnnd this is why Second Husband is about to get upgraded to Soul Mate status. I mean, a squirrel is almost a chipmunk. Does anyone else see interwoven destiny here? …No? Pssh. See if I try to pawn off my leftover candy corn on you this year.
I don’t know, guys. I mean, chipmunks. You’re probably thinking there’s not much I could do to top my last post.
WRONG!
Check out the guest post interview (click here) I did for JM Randolph’s (Accidental Stepmom) AWESOME weekly feature, Full-Assed Friday. I interviewed my good kick-butt friend, Jenn, about her work at the New Jersey-based animal shelter, 11th Hour Rescue. Don’t think I can make that topic funny? Ha! Wrong again!
Go Jules Go 