The weather in western New Jersey seems to finally be cooperating with Peppemeister‘s (a.k.a. First Husband’s) birthday gift to me plan to kill me. You know.
This:
Help me.
We leave in about an hour for our very first hot air balloon ride.
So close to the heavens, it’s only natural that I start to think: Once the angels catch a glimpse of my rocking side-pony and hot pink slap bracelet, they won’t want to let me back down to earth.
So in the event that I don’t return to you, please find…
The Last Will and Testament of GoJulesGo, PMP*
*Project Management Professional
Heartthrobs should stick together.
I bequeath my beloved dog, Uncle Jesse, to Second Husband, Darren Criss. Darling, it was only a matter of time before he was yours, anyway.
I bequeath whatever is left of my vodka supply to my best friends, Jenn and Mary, who will treat it exactly as I would. With cranberry juice and shamelessness.
Remember me this way, ladies.
To my mother, I give you all of Peppermeister’s musical instruments. Babs, he just killed me. Sell that shiz and take yourself on the shopping spree of a lifetime.
Go nuts, Pop. I love you.
To my father, I give you the money in my savings account. Take yourself out to a nice dinner. And what the heck, get the fries, too.
To my sister, I bequeath all of my dresses. To go with the ones you think I gave to you but really I thought we both understood this was a temporary thing.
And, finally, to you, dear Chipmunks, I give you this blog. May you honor my memory by ensuring that you indulge in your guilty pleasures, loud and proud, for all the rest of your days. And don’t listen to a word Zest and Zeal tell you. They have NO idea how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
They are not to be trusted.
Do you enjoy risking your own life?
Photo Credits
#1 (Darren Criss – before annotation) – people.com
Thoughtsy, of the very giggle-inducing blog, Thoughts Appear, recently tagged me to answer 11 Questions. As I told her, I’m normally a party-pooper about these kinds of things, but since her answers were so funny, and 11 is my lucky number, it seemed like I should roll with it.
The Rules (which I Will follow…Mostly)
You must post the rules.
Post eleven fun facts about yourself.
Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
Tag eleven people and link them on your post.
Let them know you’ve tagged them.
Here we go! Oh and I’ve made this a drinking game. Take a shot every time I say the word a…or chipmunk. … A Chipmunk!
11 Fun Facts About Me
I really, really wish I could raise just one eyebrow at a time. I mean, I can’t grow a mustache, so it’s the least my face could do for me.
I panic and pass out when getting blood drawn. (Don’t worry. I still love vampires.)
I think feet are cute; I love me some flip-flops.
I spend a lot of time thinking about what holes in my body bugs crawl into while I’m sleeping.
I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. But I’ve never been to DisneyWorld (or Land).
Now time for a fun fact from Captain Obvious: I am not afraid of heights.
I was born 2 weeks early, on April 30th, just so I could guarantee that diamond would be my birthstone.
One of my favorite sounds is the sound of a can of soda being opened. It sounds like a contented sigh, like unbuttoning your pants after Thanksgiving dinner. Only fizzier.
I would give up any ability I have for the ability to sing.
I’m really good at shuffling cards.
Ooh. That reminds me. I can never, EVER remember the rules to any card games.
I think anyone who litters should have to face Voldemort. Or a dementor, at least.
Really? FROSTED. Strawberry or brown-sugar cinnamon. And did you know they come in two-packs so you can eat one while you toast the other?
2. What age would you want to stay forever?
22, I guess. I was old enough to drink. And done with school. I would have taken advantage of my much smaller rear end. Or, you know, started researching cures for cancer…
3. Do you think I’m pretty? You can usethis picture as a reference.
As long as he’s not drinking my vodka, I don’t give a scratch where Waldo is.
5. What’s your favorite quote?
It probably goes without saying, but, “Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.”
Even Wikipedia says it tastes like gym socks.
6. Name one food you’ve never tried…and don’t want to.
Durian, that crazy, stinky fruit that’s supposed to be one of the most unpalatable things in the world.
7. Do you believe in the tooth fairy?
If I say yes, is there any money in it for me?
8. If you could change your first name, what would it be?
I’d want to change it to something that would really mess with people. Like DUCK!!! “Mom, have you met my friend, DUCK!!!”
(I didn’t have another blonde moment and steal this joke from some comedian, did I? …Do you ever get those moments? No? Well…hey, now you know TWELVE fun facts about me: I am often paranoid about unwittingly stealing jokes…er…A CHIPMUNK!)
9. If you could be any animal, what would you be?
Allow me to answer this question with a picture (of A CHIPMUNK):
11. How much money would you need to quit your job for one year?
Enough to make you want to throw up in your mouth a little. I’m living well beyond my means, and if I must be more clear, know that New Jerseyians pay in annual property tax what many people pay in mortgage for a year. Commence reverse peristalsis barfing.
Now here’s the part where I break bend the rules a little. Instead of naming 11 bloggers who may or may not love me for doing so, I invite anyone who reads this to answer my questions (below) on your blog. (And please let me know if you do!) Or you can answer any of them in the comments section below!
Your 11 Questions to Answer (you know, only if you want to)
What wouldn’t you do for a Klondike bar?
Is it more important for someone to be nice or smart?
Do you think doilies make any occasion a fancy one?
Is it a deal-breaker if someone has bad breath?
What would you be embarrassed for your co-workers to find out about you?
If I told you I could draw your portrait, would you want me to? And would you pay me?
Do you think scorpions are scary? (Because THEY ARE.)
His name is Zac Efron. He's super nice.
What kind of Chia pet makes the best Chia pet?
Do you think Zac Efron is as nice in real life as he seems?
There are a few things kicking around that I really want to share with you, and try as I might, I can’t find a common theme (other than awesomesauciness), so here they are in all their random glory:
Slap bracelets: They're not just for repressed guilty pleasure bloggers anymore! (Thanks to Renee at Life in the Boomer Lane for this pic - click it for her blog link!)
3.) I have some really phatflydope excellent posts coming to you very soon. I want to tell you more, but where’s the my fun in that? Let’s just say a guest post and a giveaway are involved. You don’t want to miss it.
4.) Thanks for being so nice and attractive. I really do love you.
What’s making you smile today? If you haven’t found anything, perhaps Henri, the existential cat, can help you come to terms with that:
Most likely you’re still nursing your post-St. Paddy’s day hangover, if I’m to believe those who dialed into NYC’s most popular radio station, Z100, this morning. One woman woke to find her prosthetic leg in a tree, another man discovered himself in bed with his ex-girlfriend…and ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend.
I’m taking all of this to mean that you have the most raging case of the Mondays to date. Me too. Let’s turn these frowns upside-down with a few things that make me grin, giggle and guffaw (in that order), despite the fact that an endless week of fake niceties and spastic colons (thanks, Hoops and YoYo) await.
#1 – Going Bald for Good
Many of you have read that two of my favorite bloggers, Deb (The Monster In Your Closet) and Chris (From the Bungalow), will be shaving their heads this coming Saturday, for St. Baldrick’s Foundation, a childhood cancer charity. For immediate inspiration, head over to their blogs by clicking their names above; I encourage you to offer words of encouragement and/or a donation.
Not much guilty pleasure in that, but there IS guilty pleasure in finding a website that lets you try on Halloween wigs (for free) without leaving the comfort of your home:
Morning, Carl. I'm saving you from talking about your kids at the water cooler. No one wants to hear it.
#2 – Hoops and YoYo Sympathize
Hoops and YoYo are Hallmark’s rock stars. I love them. They sum up what Mondays feel like better than I ever could:
A recent comment from the talented (and hilarious) Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) inspired me to dig up a clip of one of my favorite actors, John Krasinski, doing his marionette man. If this doesn’t make you smile, you have a lot in common with things that don’t smile.
Yesterday, while on my lunch break, I headed to the nearby liquor store to take advantage of their competitive Korbel champagne prices. (What’s it called when you have beer taste on a beer budget?) I wanted to celebrate the positive 2011 performance review I had just earned when I got home that evening. Suddenly, I started laughing. I knew what my next blog post would be about.
You Know You’re a Guilty Pleasure Enthusiast When…
1.) You Start Embellishing Life Events to Make Them a Cause for Celebration, i.e., Champagne
It's THURSDAY! Er, CHEERS!
As it is, I toast to myself every Friday night for making it through another work week, but lately I’ve come up with reasons, mid-week, to celebrate. Last week, it was reaching a significant milestone in a project. The week before that, I celebrated finding delicious, cheap champagne at Trader Joe’s by drinking said champagne.
Next week, I suspect matching socks will earn me some of this liquid happy.
2.) You Have to Give Up Vampire Diaries on Your DVR to Make Room For 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation and American Idol
This was a tough one for me to give up on the DVR, which only allows me to record two shows at once. Unlike my early dismissal of MTV’s Teen Wolf, I’ve been holding out hope for CW’s The Vampire Diaries. Believe it or not, it wasn’t the brooding vampire brothers, but rather side character, Caroline, who really won me over. She’s got layers, people.
Oh Thursday nights, why are you such a cornacopia of television goodness?
3.) Your Co-Workers Laugh at Your Breakfast
I see nothing wrong with the two giant slices of leftover pizza on my desk, thank you very much. Keep it up and tomorrow it will be egg salad.
Something Borrowed. I am completely obsessed. It’s on HBO OnDemand right now, through April 30th (which, incidentally, is my 30th birthday. This movie happens to open with the lead character’s 30th birthday. …I’m seriously starting to see cosmic signs in this. It’s not good. I even downloaded songs from the soundtrack. Intervention? Anyone?).
I’ve bawled my eyes out for a week over this movie. I’m still not sure how I want it to end; somehow the happy ending is also the bittersweet one. To me, it takes the road less traveled, as far as romantic comedies go, and despite its inherent cheesiness, there is something so genuine about the relationships. Kate Hudson executes her female d-bag role perfectly, and Goodwin’s sweetie-pie persona is irresistible. Oh! Oh! They even have a whole bit about a chipmunk (chipmunks are kind of my thing, in case you’re new here)! See what I’m saying about cosmic signs?
And I haven’t even gotten to John Krasinski yet. Suffice it to say, he’s as perfect as a chipmunk eating Dunkaroos.
Like this. Side note: if you search for "chipmunk dunkaroos" on Google image search, my blog is the first thing that pops up. My work here is done.
It’s been there since Christmas. (The slap bracelet, not the champagne. Champagne, as I’m sure you guessed from #1 on this list, has a two-hour lifespan around these parts.)
Are you living the guilty pleasure-ful life? How so? If you’re not sure, would you be willing to try some Dunkaroos?
I feel guilty about the lack of pleasures on this blog as of late. Because of personal and professional duties doodies, I haven’t been able to post as regularly as I would like. (Either that will change soon, or I will go Britney Spears circa 2007 on ya’ll.)
No one wants to see this.
I hear your cries. I know. It’s unacceptable. So, to get you through to the next post, I give you your very own…
Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit!
Indulge in these items, and it’ll be like I’m right there with you (hopefully in a slightly uncomfortable way…I love that shirt on you).
1.) More ME
Some things just scream, 'Winner!'
If you haven’t seen my last cinematic masterpiece in celebration of my 1-year blogiversary, you’re dead to me. Watch it! You’ll love it! Critics are calling it, “Um, who are you?” “The best thing since your video before that.” When you’re done watching, check out my archive over there —–>. 132 thought-provoking posts.
I’ll be honest. There are a couple of free hours at night where I could be writing, but vodka and American Idol always wins. (Although, let’s remember this is technically research for me.) Be a boob tube schmoob with me and check out some of my new favorite shows:
If you love Glee and American Idol like your favorite guilty pleasure blogger, you’ve got to give NBC’s new Katherine McPhee-a-palooza a shot. Let’s just forget about Nick Jonas’s guest appearance last week. Suspend your disbelief a little longer.
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have done it again with this HBO winner starring little person, Warwick Davis. It was touch-and-go for the first episode, but bringing Johnny Depp into episode #2? Genius. Davis’s assistant is also not to be missed.
3.) Second Husband Croaks!
This much cute almost shouldn't be allowed. (Photo Credit: eonline.com)
My beautiful Second Husband, Darren Criss, got to perform with Kermit the Frog for E’s Oscar pre-show last weekend! They sang Rainbow Connection and the result was magical. You can watch the video here.
4.) Tried-and-True Food/Beverage Combos
"Why do birds, suddenly appear..."
I have graciously road-tested the following food combinations for you over the past two weeks. You can enjoy knowing they have the GOGP stamp of approval.
cherry peppers on pizza
chocolate chips mixed into cupcake batter
refried beans and bacon
vodka and Simply grapefruit juice
As a reminder, please indulge recklessly, and whatever you do, DON’T:
use the following words or phrases in casual conversation (and maybe don’t use them ever):
I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until yesterday morning to blog on Valentine’s Day.
What’s more of a guilty pleasure than an over-hyped, commercialized, pink-frosted holiday?!
C’mon.
Chocolate.
Flowers.
Stuffed animals (dressed as other animals).
Love.
Duh!
So, will you be my (guilty pleasure) Valentine?
Hmm. You’re not convinced. Tell you what. If you don’t feel like the ooey, gooey, warm and fuzzy Sir Schmoopie Bear of Snuggleton to my Madame Chocolate Bon-Bon of Cuddlesworth by the time you’re through reading this post, I will eat my weight in candy hearts (and everyone knows candy hearts blow).
It’s only February, and already I’m bursting at the seams with guilty pleasures, some new, some old. I can’t contain it any longer, so I’m just going to spew them out all over this post. I mean, delicately list them on this delightful blog with the most fetching of phrases.
#1 – Reflective Gear: Lead Me to the Light!
Yeah. It’s my new thing. Of course, there’s the obvious:
GoGuiltyPleasures slap bracelets are finding happy homes all across the WORLD!
And then the not so obvious (thanks, Babs!):
Because loving Glee and side ponies didn't make me cool enough. Now I can walk Uncle Jesse after work in true style.
#2 – Uncle Jesse‘s Famous Head Tilt: He’s All Bark, No Bite!
This one really needs no introduction. (Advance apologies for my ‘puppy voice.’) And yes, the whole family loves The Office.
#3 – Mac Photo Booth Application: So Wrong, It’s Right!
I am truly ashamed of the level of vanity my Mac Photo Booth application inspires (yes, these pictures are all linked to actual blog posts of mine…sigh).
It makes me want to show off my waterproof mascara......And let's not forget my very first romance novel cover......I've toasted to myself......And I've shamelessly embraced being a bottled blonde.
#4 – Real Haircuts: Why, I Just Might.
My vanity knows no bounds. After taking Uncle Jesse for a routine (and costly!) visit to the groomer’s last week, I decided that the time had come to stop cutting and dying my own hair. Hallelujah!
Why should he be the only one who looks touchably soft?BEFORE.AFTER.Oh crud. Is it still long enough for a side pony?
#5 – Hats: Rocking Them Day and Night!
This is a vintage guilty pleasure for me, and this past weekend, I started recruiting a whole new generation.
My niece has my eye for fashion. She picked out my sunglasses. I told her they were perfect for hiding my hangover. (Kidding, Sis. ...Just...kidding...)
What’s your guiltiest pleasure of 2012 (so far)? If you’re feeling shy: how much do you love my new haircut?
Let me start off by saying ’tis the season of giving. But if you’re one of those modest people who doesn’t want to make a Christmas Wish List, you’re probably just frustrating your loved ones. I know you don’t want that. Make one, send it, pronto! Guaranteed free shipping before Dec. 25th doesn’t last forever, Chipmunks.
Every year, my husband, The Peppermeister, e-mails our family his Christmas Wish List in a timely manner. People look forward to it.
Here’s [a few examples of] why:
2007
Ok so here is the list that you have all been waiting for. I know that you all love me and I will get everything on this list. I am so lucky to have such terrific parents, a great pregnant sister and brother in law and a good enough fiance’. As always, please communicate with one another to ensure that this christmas is among the best i’ve ever had.
2008
As always, I encourage you to look for great deals. Deviating from the list is not encouraged, and frowned upon. I categorized them to make it easier for you, my beloved family.
For the Bar (Because a man needs a cave, and that cave needs cliché bar stuff)
1. Sweet dartboard with wooden doors and chalk boards for score keeping (I’d like real darts, not electronic or rubber, safety is NOT a priority)
For General Practicality and “bad-ass-edness” (Because you never know when the zombie apocalypse will occur)
1. Wind up (crank) LED flashlight without radio
–and–
2. Wind up (crank) flashlight with am/fm radio
3. Leatherman 830032 Blast Multitool with Leather Sheath
Gift Cards (Because I want you to take money that used to be good everywhere, and make it good in only one place)
1. Target – “Terrget”
2. Gamestop
2011
Happy Birthday Jesus!
This year, I’ve tried to make things as easy as possible for my generous family. I’ve created an Amazon wish list.
When trying your best to please me this Christmas, be sure to note the following:
-There are two pages on that wish list.
-I have plenty of sweaters.
And another painless year of holiday shopping commences.
Cherubic chipmunks, today is the most magical day ever. It’s:
11–11–11!!!
What, you mean you don’t always make a wish every time the clock hits 11:11? And your favorite actor‘s birthday isn’t today? …Hmm. Okay. If you don’t think today is special, maybe we should talk about other special things. Things for which you will not be able to deny their specialness.
On this most bewitching day, I’d like to introduce you to [some of] the people I hold nearest and dearest. Also known as…
PeopleWhoRockMyGuiltyPleasure World
1. Babs
Don't worry. She likes surprises.
Babs is the Mommasita extraordinaire. She taught me everything I know about guilty pleasures, namely, how to harmlessly stalk celebrities. Babs also showed me the way around a Long Island Iced Tea (or seven) and how to write a proper greeting card. Sometimes I don’t even know why I bothered with school.
Babs is special because she agreed to have a third child when she only wanted two. Also because she makes people feel good just by being around, and she doesn’t even know it.
2. Peppermeister
Look at this little baby-faced couple (circa 2005)!
My hubster, the one and only Peppermeister, taught me how to embrace guilty pleasures that I might have otherwise been too embarassed to share (er, like this one). He’s also the person who convinced me to start a blog, and is there any greater guilty pleasure than blogging about guilty pleasures (as I’ve mentioned before, it’s like trying to stare at the sun)?
Peppermeister is special because he once told a college english class -before we were dating- that I was “appropriately feminine.” Also because he’s the funniest, most selfless person I’ve ever met.
3. Bee-atch
On one of our more conservative shopping trips to Wal-Mart.
My Big Sis (actually, not-so-big – homegirl has lost almost 100 lbs. in the past year!) knows a thing or two about guilty pleasures. What she does with Pilsbury crescent rolls could blow your mind. She’s an inspiration!
Bee-atch is special because she lets me live vicariously through her dating life and is super-fun when she’s drunk. Also because she’s the only person I know who can dish it out as well as she can take it.
4. Bestie
I don't know why she didn't marry me. Look how happy I make her.
Some of you know Bestie, a.k.a. Jenn, from our stellar interview on JM Randolph’s blog. More than 11 years ago, Bestie rescued me from the depths of bad poetry despair and told me to have some g.d. fun! From animals dressed as other animals to vodka to hilarious Hallmark cards, she gets it.
Bestie is special because she thinks it’s funny when I’m angry. Also because she’s one of the smartest, most talented chicks on the planet. (Let’s see if I can convince her to introduce her music to the blogosphere…)
5. SIL
What a nice sister and girlfriend this band dude had - wearing his face on our shirts! And yes, this is in front of the legendary Stone Pony in Asbury Park, NJ.
SIL (sister-in-law) helped me write an entire blog post, and in fact it’s one of the most popular to this day. If that isn’t guilty pleasure inspiration, I don’t know what is!
SIL is special because she remembers more things about my life than I do. Also because she welcomes people into her heart and home even when they’re trying to secretly date her only sibling.
6. YOU!
Duh! You are totally special, too! I mean for starters, you have impeccable taste. You are also overwhelmingly attractive, and that counts for a lot everything.
You are special because you knew me when I was just an awesome blogger. Also because you take the time out of your busy day to encourage your fellow writers.
P.S. – If you’d like to repay me for all the compliments, please email me the secret(s) to levitation.
Go Jules Go 