Category: I’m Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Just For Fun

A Very Byronic Birthday!

Go Jules Go

I’m so excited right now, I don’t know whether to pee or squee. Wait. Do chipmunks squee? I mean I know they pee, and they give really sh*tty advice, for sure, but I guess there’s still so much I don’t know about them…where was I going with this? Oh, right:

Today is The Byronic Man‘s birthday!

You probably didn’t know that, because let’s face it, your blogger-stalking skills are just not what they ought to be. That’s where I come in.

(If you *gasp, sputter, gadzooks!* don’t know The Byronic Man, please stop everything you’re doing, tell your boss/spouse/kids/plants/Jeremiah your new garden bull frog [oh, just me?] you’re suffering from a happiness-threatening giggle deficit, and head over to his blog. You won’t be sorry. Oh and hey, while you’re there, maybe vote for me in his latest Question of the Week contest.)

B-Man and I, well, we’re like peanut butter and jelly chocolate, Balki and Larry, slap bracelets and martinis. We’ve been yucking it up for about a year now, united by our love of being awesome, adorable and more awesome the silly. From talking animals to dental hygiene to spicy food, there’s little we don’t agree on. When I read his blog, especially posts like this, somehow, the world makes sense again.

Now, this isn’t just some lame, “Hey man. I heard it was your birthday. Cool. You going out to dinner? Oh that’s nice. Have a good one!” post.

No, no. It’s so much more than that. More like in Harry Potter when they tried to get one of the horcruxes from Bellatrix Lestrange’s safe at Gringotts and everything kept multiplying. Yeah. More like that.

As far as The Byronic Man’s concerned, I’ve been working with a local printer and cardboard cut-outs are involved. This has been his only other clue:

This is my chance to show B-Man what our BFF-ship means to me. After all, he gave me a prize-winning birthday post back in April.

So, thanks to that very post, and a certain ‘kid photo’ contest I entered in May, I was able to make The Byronic Man…

The Greatest most unsettling Birthday Card of All-Time.

I learned how to do new things in PowerPoint for this.

You’re welcome, B. You. Are. Welcome.

How do you feel about giving/getting birthday surprises?

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Uncategorized

Because Therapy is Too Expensive

Go Jules Go

I read a couple of exceptional blog posts yesterday, by two of my favorite writers:

Truth and Cake: Select Truth and Social Media: TMI or Not Enough?

Kristen Lamb: Making Heroes Heroic-Why Flaws are Important

These posts talk about flaws and sharing those flaws, whether they’re the flaws of your fictional characters or yourself. Please don’t mistake this, however, for the social media ‘over share’ disease. The intent behind this movement is to allow yourself (or your characters) to connect on a more real level.

As someone who swims in the memoir genre pool, I’ve stuck to the shallow end a lot. Deliberately so. After reading these wonderful posts, I thought, “You know what? Sure I’m shameless about sharing my silliest guilty pleasures, but I’ve never even used the word sex on my blog, and my memoir’s working title is Virgin!”

Aw cruddy stink nuggets, you’re probably thinking. It’s like someone just told me Danny Tanner is totally raunchy during his stand-up routines.

I know exactly how you feel (c’mon, Bob Saget), and I promise, I won’t get too inappropriate on you. Or too sullen-like-Edward-Cullen.

In Virgin, I wrote about things that made me uncomfortable, that could even get me in some hot water. It’s no Shades of Grey, but it’s not rated G, either. I wanted it to be raw and honest; I’ve never cried harder than I did writing that first draft. I called it Virgin not to sensationalize, but to capture the heart of the story. Being a virgin influenced almost every event the book covered, something I couldn’t have realized until looking back.

Ultimately, I wanted to write the kind of book I love to read.

While I worry I hold my feet too close to the ‘over share’ fire in Virgin (and in this post!), I’m willing to take that risk. I’m Go Jules Go now, and I want to tell you about the ugly awkward stuff, too. Awkward stuff like flaws. Like the flaws below.

That’s right, Chipmunks – here is some major, major ammunition if you ever want to hit me below the belt (like Babs). At least you’ll be prepared if Virgin ever sees the light of day.

I have massive (pun intended) weight issues. I’ve lost and gained over 100 lbs multiple times in my life. I (voluntarily) went on my first diet when I was 9, and it’s been a hot, gooey, cheese-covered mess ever since. Food is my ultimate vice. Speaking of vices…

I worry I drink too much. But that usually goes away after a couple of drinks.

I married my one and only boyfriend. I made the first move. If you don’t think that’s a flaw, well, just know that my chronic singlehood wasn’t for lack of trying, heaven vodka knows. I have enough rejection stories to, well, fill a book. I’m still shocked when the male species says anything nice about me, but…

I think I’m pretty. In clothing. With the right make-up. From the right angle. With good lighting. All of the pictures and videos on this blog are very carefully selected and/or executed to make you think I look a lot better than I do (read: I’m vain). Except for that one time when I was high on those heroin cough suppressants.

I want everyone to like me, and sometimes keep opinions to myself and agree just so they will. But you know what? I don’t like everyone. I don’t like a lot people! (…Did that make you paranoid? I’m sorry; I totally wasn’t talking about you. You still like me, right?)

I used to have panic attacks. I assume they stemmed from either abandonment issues or bullying. Or both. They were so bad I missed a year of middle school, and…

I never went to high school. I got my GED, took the SATs, and went to college, but I never got to wear an embarrassing prom dress still feel very intellectually inferior. Don’t ask me about chemistry unless it’s the kind between Jim and Pam from The Office.

Well there now. Don’t we all feel better? …No? Just me?

Zest and Zeal, my life coaches.

How do you feel about sharing flaws in a public forum (yourself and reading others’)? Do you think it’s necessary for honest writing? If you’re uncomfortable with all of this, who’s your favorite character on The Office (mine’s Jim. Duh.)?

Photo Credit (“It’s all your fault”): stickerchick.com.

Food, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Lists, Mind Your Manners

On Blogging & Bacon

Go Jules Go
It must be Monday.

I love blogging, and I love bacon. For some reason, I rarely talk about either.

Until today!

One thing I love about both is their ability to bring people together. Run a contest on your blog, or put out a plate of bacon-wrapped appetizers, and the result is the same. Better yet, run a contest with a bacon-chocolate bar prize.

Not that I’d know anything about that.

I love when other bloggers talk about blogging and/or bacon. Like Peg and JM. Yet I feel self-conscious doing so, like eating bacon and not having a napkin. You guys don’t mind if I make a mess though, right?

When I started this blog in February 2011, I had no idea what lurked behind the blogging curtain. I thought it might be scary. And not in the hey-girl-you’re-almost-out-of-bacon way, but more in the I-like-to-make-pictures-out-of-toenail-clippings way. I didn’t fully appreciate the prevalence of blogs; I never thought about the fact that some websites I frequented, like Perez Hilton, were really blogs.

My favorite bloggers inspire me to step up my game and invite me to participate in their dialogue. As a writer, this is such a gift. And it’s free! So, you know, you can still bring home the bacon.

To pay tribute to all of those who inspire me (and if you’re wondering who that is, my Blogroll page is a good start!), and to those who are new to this wacky and wonderful world of bloggy deliciousness, I thought I’d offer a few wise words.

Dang, Chipmunks. This is exciting.

Here are the 3 most important things I’ve learned from almost a year and a half of blogging. You may or may not be surprised to find the same principles apply in every day life.

1.) Sincerity – “enough about my bacon, let’s talk about yours”

There is no faster way to shoot yourself in the foot drop your bacon on the host’s white carpeting than to leave a comment that proves you didn’t read the post, or to leave comments plugging your own blog. Typically, if commenting on another blog, you should try to keep the focus on that blogger and their content.

I had no idea when I started a blog that it was a community, and a community that wants to TALK! I didn’t ask questions of my readers (not that I had many!), and I didn’t even realize I should respond to comments. Now I crave that dialogue, and try to answer every single comment I get. Often that’s far more rewarding than the writing itself.

2.) Generosity – Share those Tips Strips (of bacon)

One surefire way to increase readership is to read other blogs. Be generous with your time and support, and you’ll reap the rewards.

When I started blogging, I only read 2 or 3 other blogs. Now I follow almost 100. It’s not realistic to keep up with everyone, of course, but I genuinely enjoy all of the blogs I follow, and typically devote over an hour a day just to reading them. I also almost always comment. Leaving thoughtful comments is one of the only ways to get noticed in a world jam-packed with people vying for the same bacon.

 If you’re intimidated by big name bloggers, like Kristen Lamb or The Bloggess, don’t be. Remember they feel the same as you do about getting comments. And probably bacon.

3.) Perserverance – Makin’ Bacon

We all experience writer’s block, have personal obligations that take our focus away from writing, or simply just don’t ‘feel like it.’ Even if you miss a week, or a month, don’t give up. Blogging can truly open doors.

When I started this blog, I had very few followers. My mom. My husband. I tried to post 2-4 times a week, but even after 6 months, I had posts that didn’t get a single comment. I kept at it, increased my engagement, and as of this year, I’ve had almost 100,000 hits on this blog. I’ve also gotten several paid writing jobs and opportunities to write for highly trafficked websites. I say this not to be a Braggy McBaconBoaster, but just to encourage you and let you know: You don’t have to be serious to take your blog seriously.

…Is anyone else hungry?

What are some lessons you’ve learned about blogging? Or a question to fellow bloggers? To non-bloggers: What keeps you coming back to your favorite blogs?

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, New Jersey is breathtaking, Uncategorized

Deep Thoughts With GoJulesGo

Go Jules Go
Sometimes...it depends on what the meaning of 'is' is.

I’ve been moved, Chipmunks. Moved to go where this blog has never gone before.

Into the depths of my big, beautiful brain.

Who have we to thank? Well, we could call her Siri, but I prefer Annie Leibovitz, because my new phone takes such beautiful pictures. That, ultimately, is why I got her.

Meet A-Leib.

Come, let us look at all of the profound musings A-Leib has inspired since coming into my life last Friday…

If cars ran on hay, and horses ran on gas, I’d be okay with us running out of gas.

Is there anything hot glue, a ball of twine, and an intense desire to mask inner turmoil with superficial beauty can’t do?

Sometimes, as the sun goes down, I wonder why all them “Twilight” haters hate. The protagonist is the epitome of quiet, selfless inner strength. She’s also a pretty good cook.

Man’s best friend can help us cherish simplicity: fresh air, open fields and sunny skies. And all the deer poop you can eat.

When one looks for signs to lead them down the right path, one often finds pebbles in one’s shoe.

I believe inner peace can be found in the most unexpected places. Like someone else’s backyard. …Or jail.

Happy Thursday! What’s been on your dead sexy mind lately?

P.S. – In case you were wondering, they’ve put in new trailheads on our street, and the trails lead to some pretty spectacular views. Yeah, man! This is Jersey!

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Uncategorized

My Surprise Collector’s Item – It’s Terrifying!

Go Jules Go

Whilst preparing an exciting upcoming post (oooh wouldn’t you like to know?), I stumbled across a favorite book on Amazon:

The Pop-up Book of Phobias

It's what bacon is to breakfast, what Neil Patrick Harris is to TV, and what you need in your library.

I own this book. I love this book. My first job was at an independent book store, and when I got wind of this bad boy in 1999, I had to have it. I may have even paid full price: $24.95.

Now?

New copies on Amazon start at $143.36. Hot diggity! While this surprised me, it’s probably only because I never thought about it. Of course this book is costly, if it’s in short supply. Sometimes the world makes sense.

It’s the best coffee table book ever made. Just look:

Get that drill out of my face, you g.d. sadist! Dentophobia.

 

I saw Buried. No thank you. Not even with you, Ryan Reynolds. Necrophobia.
I'm not really afraid of heights, but even my knees are wobbling with this one. Acrophobia.
Er, um, the three agencies of government I would like to eliminate are, ahhhh, um...STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT!!! Glossophobia.
Ah, everyone's favorite fear. Claustrophobia.

If you’re not busy calling your therapist right now, you can see even more heart-stopping pop-ups by getting this book used for a good price! Don’t make me say “I told you so” in another 13 years.

Do you have any irrational fears? (Reactions to my last post suggest a strong aversion to sloths.)

Here's mine. Creepy crawlies. Eeeeesh.

 Photo credit disclaimer: While I took these photos, I do not own the content of this book, which was created and written by Gary Greenberg, illustrated by Balvis Rubess, pop-ups by Matthew Reinhart, published by Rob Weisback Books, and produced by Melcher Media, Inc.

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Just For Fun, Lists, TV Junkie

Your Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit

Go Jules Go

I feel guilty about the lack of pleasures on this blog as of late. Because of personal and professional duties doodies, I haven’t been able to post as regularly as I would like. (Either that will change soon, or I will go Britney Spears circa 2007 on ya’ll.)

No one wants to see this.

I hear your cries. I know. It’s unacceptable. So, to get you through to the next post, I give you your very own…

Guilty Pleasure Survival Kit!

Indulge in these items, and it’ll be like I’m right there with you (hopefully in a slightly uncomfortable way…I love that shirt on you).

1.) More ME

Some things just scream, 'Winner!'

If you haven’t seen my last cinematic masterpiece in celebration of my 1-year blogiversary, you’re dead to me. Watch it! You’ll love it! Critics are calling it, “Um, who are you?” “The best thing since your video before that.” When you’re done watching, check out my archive over there —–>. 132 thought-provoking posts.

2.) Tube Schmoob

Did you know Johnny Depp was this funny? I didn't. (Photo Credit: http://static.guim.co.uk/)

I’ll be honest. There are a couple of free hours at night where I could be writing, but vodka and American Idol always wins. (Although, let’s remember this is technically research for me.) Be a boob tube schmoob with me and check out some of my new favorite shows:

Billy on the Street

I give you the full scoop here.

Smash

If you love Glee and American Idol like your favorite guilty pleasure blogger, you’ve got to give NBC’s new Katherine McPhee-a-palooza a shot. Let’s just forget about Nick Jonas’s guest appearance last week. Suspend your disbelief a little longer.

Life’s Too Short

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have done it again with this HBO winner starring little person, Warwick Davis. It was touch-and-go for the first episode, but bringing Johnny Depp into episode #2? Genius. Davis’s assistant is also not to be missed.

3.) Second Husband Croaks!

This much cute almost shouldn't be allowed. (Photo Credit: eonline.com)

My beautiful Second Husband, Darren Criss, got to perform with Kermit the Frog for E’s Oscar pre-show last weekend! They sang Rainbow Connection and the result was magical. You can watch the video here.

4.) Tried-and-True Food/Beverage Combos

"Why do birds, suddenly appear..."

I have graciously road-tested the following food combinations for you over the past two weeks. You can enjoy knowing they have the GOGP stamp of approval.

  • cherry peppers on pizza
  • chocolate chips mixed into cupcake batter
  • refried beans and bacon
  • vodka and Simply grapefruit juice

As a reminder, please indulge recklessly, and whatever you do, DON’T:

  • use the following words or phrases in casual conversation (and maybe don’t use them ever):
    • return on investment
    • reproach
    • stepwise progression
    • incumbent upon
    • optimizing spend
  • open a sleeve of Thin Mints and leave any uneaten
  • watch Vampires Suck
  • wear all black and change your name to “Shadow Catcher”
  • forget chipmunks are windows to the soul

Go forth, my sweet chipmunks, and don’t forget to report back!

What guilty pleasures are keeping you alive?

Chipmunks Forever, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Slap Bracelets, Uncategorized, Vlogalicious

Celebrating 1 Year of Blogging Awesomeness!

Go Jules Go
I mean I...I just never thought...my range as a, a...guilty pleasure blogger....one who writes solely about guilty pleasures...I mean, well, I...thank you.

A year into this blog, and I find I’m older, wiser simpler, and just a little closer to embracing my inner chipmunk.

Yes. That’s right. Today is…

My 1-Year Blog-iversary!!!

 

…Let’s do this:

 

Someone should alert the Academy.

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Music, TV Junkie

Why Glee Makes My Soul Sing: A Point/Counterpoint Post

Go Jules Go

Chipmunks, your Monday is about to get a WHOLE lot brighter. I made another Glee-related presentation for you me! Wait ’til you see the lengths to which I’m willing to go just to prove a point. This is epic. I actually had to change clothes during the making of this video.

And it wasn’t even my idea this time! My B.F.F., Byronic Man, approached me a few weeks ago with an enticing proposition (…that’s what she said) – to do a point/counterpoint post. On the same day, we’d both blog about why we love (in my case) or hate (in his case) FOX’s Glee.

I know with my guilty pleasure zeal and project management skill set, it’s kind of unfair to go head-to-head with someone about a show like Glee. On the other hand, Byronic Man IS one of the funniest writers I know. So, if you want to hear what Byronic Man has to say about Glee, head over to his blog…

…BUT FIRST…

 There’s no way you won’t agree with me after seeing THIS (I recommend watching in full screen)!

Why do you love/hate Glee? Don’t forget, the much-anticipated [by me] Michael Jackson episode airs tomorrow night (Jan 31st) on FOX (8pm EST)!

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Marriage, Uncategorized, Wipe the Drool

Why Polygamy Is the Right Choice For You, Second Husband

Go Jules Go
Photo credit (before my professional-quality annotation): playbill.com

In preparation for January 7th, when I shall have my opportunity to see Second Husband, Darren Criss, in the flesh (in his Broadway debut: “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying“), I’ve been diligently working on my Why Polygamy is the Right Choice for You presentation. (As a project manager by trade*, I think I have a gift for expressing myself in animated clip art. I’m sure you’ll agree.)

Take a look!

So, what do you think? If you were a brilliant actor with the voice of an angel and a face that could turn a heart of stone to unicorn tears, would this win you over? (Be honest. This is important.)

*Lover of cheese by choice.

Booze, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

Gingerbread Pillage

Go Jules Go
There are a lot of reasons I heart my besties, Jenn and Mary. Namely:
  • They are funny.
  • They think I am funny.
  • They are smart.
  • They think I am smart funny.
But when it comes to enumerating their many qualities, the word crafty (like Martha Stewart-crafty, not Wet Bandits-crafty) doesn’t necessarily spring to mind. Nevertheless, this holiday season, I decided to push them out of their comfort zones, right into gingerbread village. To help them cope with the shock, I provided the following:

1.) A home-cooked roast chicken dinner.

2.) Encouragement Vodka.

3.) Uncle Jesse in a sweater.

4.) John Denver and the Muppets.

5.) Duct tape.

Mary says Jenn was 'icing with rage.' I say her candy cane suicide threats were empty.

We set to work.

"All the vodka in the world can't make this right."
"You will not defeat me, Gingerbread!"
One Two hours later…
Mary's gingerbread creation puts the "tree" in "treeat."
The stuffing Uncle Jesse immediately ripped out of his new toy from Mary made for really nice snow around my sleigh.
"Gingerbread houses divided will not stand." -Jenn (Image courtesy of Google Earth, Gingerbread Edition)
And in the end, the gingerbread creations [couldn’t stand the long drive home for Jenn and Mary and] were mine…all mine! Merry Christmas, me!

Any holiday crafts going on in your neck ‘o the woods, Chipmunks?