I heard you like to laugh. At my expense. Sounds like you're ready to take our friendship to the next level. You won't be disappointed. I swear on teeny, tiny baby chipmunks.
So I had this thing all buttoned up. A plan. I’m a Project Manager by trade – it’s what I do.
Today I was going to republish this post, my one truly somber blog post, in honor of my late boss and mentor, Carol, and in the spirit of Movember, the November ‘moustache’ campaign raising awareness for prostate cancer.
Because today is the second anniversary of her passing. From cancer.
But as we all know, life doesn’t always go as planned, and yesterday I wrote something else. I think Carol would rather see this up here instead.
So thanks for indulging me, and stay tuned for the usual shenanigans resuming later this week… like, say, another ‘stache glasses giveaway?
A Return
I was 7 years old
when I said
the color green
reminded me of
Grass,
Money,
Trees.
Now I know I meant
Life,
Prosperity,
Home.
For many years after that
I said I loved
purple,
But I never wanted to wear it.
A few weeks ago,
I took a sip
from a green straw,
and I saw
the girl I left behind,
the one who wanted
nothing more
than to explore.
So I went and I stood
in the grass,
among the trees,
Still,
as one,
Feet firmly planted,
eyes skyward,
Reclaiming
my favorite color.
When they contacted me on Halloween, I leapt out of my hard, plastic seat. I was waiting for Chinese take-out with my family, obsessively checking my phone, like any good bloggette who hadn’t had power for a week [thanks to Hurricane Sandy] would do when she realized she had free wi-fi.
I attempted to explain to my parents, sister, niece and nephew why I was so excited.
“It’s WordPress’ blog!”
Blank stares.
“They like me! They really like me!” I tried.
A little drool. Eyelids drooping.
I finally resorted to shamelessness: “This is a BIG. DEAL.”
Babs offered a confused smile. The rest of the family was already back to talking about Dancing with the Stars.
Lackluster familial support understanding aside, I eagerly answered all of The Daily Post’s thought-provoking questions – all except one. There was one question I really didn’t want to answer. Because they wanted me to name my top 5 blogs.
Top 5 blogs? Have you seen my Blogroll? Even that’s incomplete.
I mean seriously.
I could no sooner name a favorite Hot Pocket variety.
I hate knowing I left so many wonderful bloggers and friends off that list, but it got me thinking:
I’d really like to know which bloggers inspire you. Not just the ones you ‘like’ regularly, or the ones who make you laugh, but the ones who move you. Was there a particular post that really spoke to you? Or caused you to take some sort of real-life action?
I hope you’ll share stories and links in the comments section below, and I look forward to hopefully meeting some new bloggers!
Thank you to Michelle and The Daily Post for making my dayweekmonth year, and to you, Chipmunks, a source of never-ending fulfillment and inspiration. I said in the interview that blogging changed my life. And I meant it.
Let’s just say my job makes me die a little inside.
Which is not something I usually get to say. Trust me. I work as a project manager for a pharmaceutical company.
Still dying over here.
Monday traffic and meeting madness aside, things were looking pretty perky by 9am. Because by 9am, I was staring at someone’s boobs.
Let me back that thing up.
I was meeting a brand spanking (ahem) new colleague to explain how great the department was, what kinds of things she could work on, and the dress code what to expect in the coming months.
The woman was in her 30s, attractive and friendly. The conversation started in the usual way: “How long were you without power [because of Hurricane Sandy]?”
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something unusual. Something not quite right. No, no, it can’t be, I thought to myself. I let my eyes dart down.
Yup. Yup. Oh my god. Black. Lace. Push-up bra. Cleavage many would pay to see. I felt my ears turn as crimson as her blouse. Of all the buttons to pop when she sat down…
I’m sorry. This is the best I could do. This is a family blog.
I had known this woman for five minutes. How could I tell her we’d already taken things to the next level? But could I make it through the rest of the meeting without saying something, and then hope she’d use the restroom? No, that was just cruel.
“I’m sorry I’d want someone to say something if it was me,” I blurted in one breath, “I think one of your buttons came undone.”
“Oh no, it’s just this shirt,” she said, swinging the droopy silk collar that dangled over her va-va-voom.
I said nothing and waited for her to look down.
“Oh jeez,” she cringed once she realized what I talking about, and quickly fastened the rogue button. She thanked me for telling her and carried on with her earlier point.
Just like that. I had to give her credit. A little while later, she bid goodbye,
“I’m off to meet with [Mr. Big Boss] now.”
“Great – it was wonderful meeting you!” I replied smoothly, wondering how disappointed the Big Boss would have been if he’d known what he missed out on.
Later that morning, I had time to giggle reflect. I gasped, remembering: This wasn’t the first time I’d seen someone’s bra at work!
My very first year on the job, a middle-aged woman I’d only just met grabbed me and pulled me into the ladies room.
“I need help! My bra!” she whispered, eyes wild.
I watched, stunned, as she freed one arm from her forest green turtleneck. I tried to figure out what was going on. Everything seemed normal. Except for all the parts that were totally fudged up.
I soon realized what she needed me to do. I reached down her shirt, grazing her moist, freckled back, fished out the dangling shoulder strap and re-hooked it to the front of her bra.
I left the bathroom in a daze. Twitter didn’t exist yet, so I saved the story for my sister-in-law-slash-coworker, who still fondly recalls Bra Lady.
You probably think this is the end of it. Oh-ho no. Peppermeister (Husband #1) read this draft post and reminded me of the crème de la crème.
A couple years ago, a coworker in her mid-30s returned from vacation in the Bahamas, eager to show me pictures from her trip. Call me crazy, but I’ve always been fond of vacation photos. Anything to escape the drab, gray cubicle walls.
I walked over to her desk and she pulled out a manila envelope.
“I hired someone to take these pictures while we were there,” she said, shy yet excited. “He said I could be a model.”
Each 8 x 10 photo featured her bikini-clad bod on the beach.
“You look amazing!” I gushed, admiring her toned figure.
She looked up and down the hall and then whispered, “I have to be careful about some of these.”
She flipped to the next few photographs.
And there she was.
Topless.
It’s been two years, and I still don’t have the words.
Anyway. Today I’m bringing a wallet full of singles to work. Just in case.
Crap. Now I’ve gotta stop at the bank. This is New Jersey. I can’t even get gas.
Have you ever felt like a boob at work? Any good wardrobe malfunction stories?
***Hurricane Sandy Update: We finally got power back on Sunday night! My mood’s as boosted my coworkers’ chests! Thank you again for all of your well wishes! …Annnnd just kidding. Power went out again at 5am today (Tuesday).***
When I heard Marlene (“Myra”) Rhein from My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours (MPACTY) was turning her blog into a web series, I knew I needed to get involved. Stat.
I emailed Marlene on the off-chance she’d need volunteers during filming. Though hers was one of the first blogs I followed, we’d never corresponded outside of her blog. I tried to sell myself.
After all, Marlene’s directed music videos for the likes of Amy Winehouse and Tupac.
To my delight, she took me up on the offer, and for two days in October, I got to call myself a Production Assistant. Shortly before the shoot, Marlene sent the script for the pilot episode. Reading it, I got chills.
For those of you unfamiliar with MPACTY, Marlene lost her job a while ago and had to move back in with -you guessed it- her parents. At 40. Feeling hopeless, she turned to blogging, and captivated readers with hilariously horrifying tales of her misfortune.
Her pilot webisode takes us back to where it all started.
Mom? Dad? …F my life.
My main job was handling the canine talent, “Vito.”
Score.
The days were very long, took us all over Manhattan and to Long Island, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. The whole crew was lovely and beyond professional.
Thanks, Marlene, for letting me crash the set. I’m happy to say I not only had the experience of a lifetime, but meeting you once again proved that bloggy friends are some of the best you can make.
If you could work with any actor or director, who would it be and why?
***Hurricane Sandy update: I still don’t have power, but have taken refuge at my parents’ house, and they finally have internet! Thank baby chipmunks. And thank you for all of your well wishes.***
A few weeks ago, I asked readers to submit wacky hat pictures, either hats they owned, or ones they designed. The winner would receive a jack-o-lantern (designed and carved by yours truly) and Sun-Staches mustache glasses, and the runner-up would also get some ‘stache glasses.
And now the time has come to announce the winner(s).
So. Let’s not waste any time here, Chipmunks. There’s candy to steal and kids to traumatize!
1st Place
Runner-Up
Congratulations, Ladies! Now, let’s kick this Monster Mash up a notch… Misty, here is part one of your prize, a custom jack-o-lantern from yours truly – featuring your favorite mac and cheese maker! (Wait for it…)
THE DESIGN
This will all make sense soon. If you know Misty. If not, it’s still cool. …Right? Well hey. Ha. I had fun.
THE TRANSFER
While I designed this pattern, I used the Pumpkin Masters method of poking holes into the pumpkin to transfer the pattern. And no, they didn’t compensate me in any way to say that. In fact, never mind. I transferred this pattern using only the powers of my mind.
THE FINISHED PRODUCT
There are So. Many. Jokes. about Cracker Barrel here. But I won’t. Because I love Misty. And mac and cheese is delicious, wherever it comes from.
Congratulations, Misty and Speaker7! I’ll be in touch via email to award you with all that is ‘stache-y.
Thank you so much for playing along, Chipmunks! This contest is one of my faaaavorite things. EVER.
Well, by the time you’re reading this, I may be under water and/or without power thanks to Hurricane Sandy, but luckily, your favorite project manager planned ahead!
A BIG thank you to the below “Hold Onto Your Hats” contest entrants – you just really get it, don’t you? I’ll announce the winner and runner-up at 6am EST on Halloween (Wednesday, October 31st), as planned!
Click on any of the pictures to access the entrant’s blog page. (Yeah. That’s right. We’re fancy at Go Jules Go. Wait’ll you see Wednesday’s post.) Listed in the order in which they were received:
Thanks again, Chipmunks! Stay safe out there – and by that I mean, let someone else check your candy for razor blades. You don’t have time for that. You’ve got blogs to read.
**The blonde strikes again. The deadline is midnight EST on SATURDAY, OCT 27th. Trying to give folks some weekend time!**
Oh my. I haven’t seen too many Halloween Contest entries yet, but I’m sure it’s not because you doubt my gourd-cutting prowess. I think all of us Chipmunks are going a little… No. No. No, I’m not going to say nuts.
I am above such feeble puns.
But I am not above this.
And you deserve better.
You deserve, say, a custom jack-o-lantern from your pal Jules! And a pair of Sun-Staches mustache glasses! Yeah!
All ya gotta do is send me a hat picture. If the rules were unclear, I apologize. You can design the hat or use a wacky one you already have.
The pumpkin I carved for last year’s winner (Deb Bryan a.k.a. The Monster in Your Closet). No…it’s not giving the middle finger. We’ve been through this.
If you want to stay anonymous, you can put the hat on a pet or stuffed animal, or I will gladly superimpose a head of your my choosing onto the picture before posting it.
Submit your pictures via email, Twitter, or your blog (just be sure to let me know you’ve done so).
DEADLINE: MIDNIGHT EST Saturday, OCTOBER 27, 2012.
P.S. – I love you so much. If you were a candy bar, you’d be king size and all those crappy little fun size bars would hate you. And you’d be nutty, of course. …Dammit.
You see, he’s always been incredibly secure, and, well, it’s maddening. Like, who is he to steal all the confidence in the world and leave nothing for the rest of us? Am I right?
What’s more, in order to keep the relationship balanced, I assumed the surplus jealousy he was unwilling to feel. Exhausting.
I yearned to put this pepper-lover in his place.
I tried talking about other men, crafting elaborate schemes to secure a second husband, flaunting my assets… Nothing. Nary a raised eyebrow or passive-aggressive-taking-of-the-last-Hot-Pocket.
Argh!
The closest I ever came? Justin Timberlake hosting Saturday Night Live:
“You know he’s not as funny as you think he is,” Peppermeister commented, watching me howl as J.T. brought it on down to Omelet-ville.
My heart fluttered. Could this be it? Was it not perfect teeth, rock hard abs, unfathomable wealth and a melodious voice, but another man’s comedic talent that would rile him?
“Are you jealous?” I asked.
“No. I’m funnier,” Peppermeister calmly replied.
Double argh!
Is it time to finally give up and accept his constant praise and unconditional support? I wondered.
Then, as if the chipmunk gods had spoken, last week Peppermeister caught sight of something resting on the kitchen counter:
“Oh that?” I batted my eyelashes. “This guy at work gave it to me. He said he has more peppers than he knows what to do with.”
I paused.
“And you don’t grow that kind.”
“This isn’t organic,” he spat.
“He said they were,” I replied innocently.
“Get this out of my kitchen.”
“He sits right next to me,” I sighed. “I just love the regular bell peppers.”
He stormed out of the kitchen, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.
At last.
At long last.
So. What keeps your relationship spicy? (PG-rated, please, Chipmunks.)
***BLOGGY NOTE(S): The deadline for my “Hold Onto Your Hats” Halloween Contest is Oct 27th! The prize is amazing: A jack-o-lantern designed and carved just for you by yours truly…andSun-Staches mustache glasses!
Also? I’m sorry I’ve been pretty M.I.A. lately; lots of fun things to share with you soon. In the meantime, please know that you and blogging are an important part of my life. I really mean that. I hope it makes you as uncomfortable as my coworker [with the bell peppers] would be if he read this post.***
Last Thursday, I asked you to submit a comment describing a sibling rivalry or ridiculous parental rule, and of course, you didn’t disappoint.
It’d make sense for me to now tell you some memorable sibling rivalry stories, but who wants to hear about the time I crushed my brother’s finger in the sliding door of Babs’ van, or when he sent me to the ER by hurling a baseball cap at my face and scratching my retina? I’m sure you don’t want to see the scars my sister has from both of us. Nah!
It’s time to announce the winner! This lucky guy or gal ‘munk gets a free 11 x 16-inch canvas print from Printcopia.
A print like the one I just gave my sis for her birthday:
Wait, you’re probably thinking, what’s going on in that picture?
Oh, well, thank you for asking.
Babs asked Peppermeister and I to leave Uncle Jesse at home on Saturday for my sister’s birthday celebration, because my niece would be there and she’s allergic to dogs.
An abomination!
Obviously, we couldn’t have him missing out on the festivities.
Isn’t he so cute? That pic is life-size, too, because he’s a li’l nugget. Wait…what were we doing again?
Oh right – the winner of the canvas print!
In typical blonde fashion, I forgot to find out if I could award the prize to non-U.S. residents, so I’ve selected a winner and a runner-up. If the winner can’t cash in on the canvas print, I’ll personally send them Sun-Staches ‘stache glasses instead, and the runner-up will receive the canvas print. Otherwise, the runner-up will receive the ‘stache glasses.
The Winner
asoulwalker!
I like the way you operate, my friend. And might I suggest your long-awaited revenge include a bag ‘o back hair?
Congratulations you two! I’ll follow-up with both of you via email to get your prizes situated.
Thanks again for your terrific submissions, and don’t forget there’s another contest happening RIGHT NOW – My Halloween contest! The prize is epic. Enter by Oct 27th!
Go Jules Go 