Blogging, Giveaway Junkie, Movies are Magical

If This Were My Last Blog Post

June 28, 2013June 28, 2013 Go Jules Go

***In celebration of my friend Piper Bayard‘s new book, FIRELANDS, she’s holding a pretty epic contest for both bloggers and readers (seriously – the prizes will blow your chipmunk stripes off). Check out the details here (deadline: July 19, 2013). Bloggers can enter by publishing apocalypse-themed posts. So, ah, hopefully it goes without saying, but: This is my submission.***

I recently watched a movie starring Steve Carell and Keira Knightley, called Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. In the opening scene, a polished, upbeat radio DJ announces:

Once again, if you are just tuning in… The final mission to save mankind has failed. The 10 mile-wide asteroid known commonly as Matilda is set to collide with Earth in exactly 3 week’s time.

The black screen fades to a close-up of Carell (“Dodge”) and his wife in their car, staring straight ahead.

And we’ll be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage of our countdown to the end of days, along with all of your classic rock favorites.

Cue: The Beach Boys’ “Wouldn’t It Be Nice.”

Best.

Opening.

Ever.

I want my last blog post to be like this movie. Dark. Funny. Romantic. Complete with a dog named Sorry.

Sorry's got regrets. Oh yes, he does. — Sorry’s got regrets. Oh yes, he does.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World is disturbingly realistic in so many ways. No cell phones. Traffic jams. Looting. $8.50 for a bottle of window cleaner.

Total lawlessness.

It begs the question: How would the world spend its last days? Would there be time for reflection? Regret? Time for anything but? Would there be time for new connections? They say live every day like it’s your last, but when it’s everyone’s last? What then?

What would I say to you, dear Chipmunks, if it was all about to go up in flames?

Yeah, okay, so what? My last blog post and I’m petty ’til the end. Sue me. Go ‘head. Try to find a lawyer right before armageddon. It’s honesty that gets you through those pearly gates, Chipmunks. Remember that.

Bloggers: What would your last post look like? Bloggers/All: What would you do the day before the apocalypse?

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FIRELANDS

Available from Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Also in e-book at Barnes & Noble and Kobo,

and at iTunes for iPad and mobile devices.

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Blogging, Chipmunks Forever, Vlogalicious

You’re Not Going to Believe This Shiz.

June 6, 2013June 5, 2013 Go Jules Go

Something happened recently, Chipmunks. Something so mind-frenchingly miraculous, only a moving picture show could capture it:

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You ~~heard~~ saw right.

A man named Chip Monck is following my blog!

This is not a joke. Nay. This is the best thing to ever happen to me, apart from discovering chocolate-covered bacon:

So let’s all give a warm welcome to Chip Monck at MANagING maNIA!

As if that wasn’t enough, I’ve found a new bloggy soul mate! Dawn at Fit to Teach! Look what she just emailed me:

I told her I need to get married all over again. Luckily, I have no plans to stop at a mere 3 spouses. — I told her I need to get married all over again in order to include ‘stache glasses. Luckily, I have no plans to stop at a mere 3 spouses.

Lastly, some shout-outs to my video blog accessories crew:

Chipmunk puppet: My dear mom, Babs
‘Stache necklace: She’s a Maineiac‘s daughter, Miss J
Heart pin: Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings
‘Stache glasses: Rachel’s Table
Creepy pink Voo Doo Doughnuts beer: The Byronic Man
Flowers: My awesome neighbor, Jeff‘s equally awesome girlfriend, Kristen

Do you have any questions for a man called Chip Monck? I have a thousand. Any favorite people or blog names?

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Blogging, Movies are Magical

Get A Clue!

May 21, 2013May 20, 2013 Go Jules Go

One of my adorable and hilarious bloggy friends, Thoughtsy of Thoughts Appear, propositioned me recently.

No, she didn’t offer to share her prized Pop-Tarts (but she did give me animated ‘stache glasses and flavored vodka when we met last summer at the BlogHer ’12 conference).

She offered me a guest post spot on her blog, for one of her regular fun features: Movies Teach Us!

After Thoughtsy took a slushie in the face as an act of solidarity, I could hardly refuse.

Can you guess what movie I picked?

I know his 'stache was legendary, Josh, but for the love of God (ha ha, get it?), put down the Nietzsche and focus on your chin pubes. — I know his ‘stache was legendary, Josh, but for the love of God, put down the Nietzsche (ha ha, get it? “Love of God”? Nietzsche?) and focus on your own chin pubes.

Click here to read it!

See ya over there!

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Blogging

Please, Don’t Try to Contain Your Raging Jealousy

May 16, 2013May 15, 2013 Go Jules Go

Oh, Chipmunks. I can’t stuff a cheek without bumping into another compliment / award / congratulatory butt slap these days. So it goes when you have ~~brains, charm and~~ a disarming perma-grin honed from years of smiling and nodding.

This week I received not only a rad ‘stache-themed award from the lovely xdanigirl of The Life and Times of a Mom, but also my very first…

Jafee!

That’s right! The brand new “Jealous as F***” award from The Byronic Man!

Third Hub claims he’s wildly jealous of a video blog I made some time ago. I’ll take his word for it, though he couldn’t even find said video, because I know he’s heartbreakingly envious of ~~my amazing memes~~ everything I do.

He's always had exceptional taste. — The Byronic Man has always had exceptional taste.

Normally I try to revel in others’ successes, but let’s get real. There are some bloggers out there who make me want to hurl myself down a set of stairs. I’m talking about bloggers who, in the spirit of the Jafees, make me rip out my hair and scream, “DANGNABBIT I wish I’d thought of that first!”

So here, in random order, are my first Jafee Award winners! Please accept this nod as a token of my seething resentment.

(Note: Anyone can pass along Jafee awards; winners are under no obligation to do so.)

25tofly

I’m not kidding when I tell you I’m shamefully jealz of Becca from 25tofly. She’s young(er), pretty(ier), funny(ier), has killer dance moves, a great following, and she can put together a video blog like nobody’s business. When I saw this, and this, I kind of wanted to cry. What’s more, Becca recently quit her day job in order to pursue making videos, so no, no, I’m not jealous at all.

Nina Badzin

Nina is not only a social media guru who penned Twitter advice that’s garnered oodles of attention, but she writes for a bunch of other websites, a top source of my blinding jealousy. In addition to being a truly talented writer and all-around nice person, Nina’s got 4 kids and a rockin’ bod (hate her). She also just kicked her public speaking fear in the ass [by reading a piece on stage], which is something I so wish I had the nerve do.

Accidental Stepmom

I’m lucky enough to call JM of Accidental Stepmom a real-life friend. This confuses me, because she is way too cool to want to hang out with me. She does sound for Broadway for crying out loud! She’s authored some of my all-time favorite blog posts, and she’s the type of universally appealing blogger that non-bloggers love to read. She’s irresistibly smart and funny without trying too hard. Now that is envy-inducing.

Truth and Cake

If you’re not jealous of Rian from Truth and Cake, it’s only because you don’t know her. Her second ever blog post was Freshly Pressed (i.e., featured on the home page of WordPress.com). She came out guns blazing, with exceptionally sincere, thoughtful and well-written posts. Rian has one of those voices all writers strive for – you want to hear what she has to say, and feel confident taking her advice. What really gets my jealousy meter fired up, though, is ~~the fact that she married a South African with an undoubtedly awesome accent~~ her drool-worthy graphic design / photography skills and overall style.

Rachel’s Table

When my dear friend Rache decided to go on video with her first ‘Peppermeister Roulette,’ I thought, “Well. This is it. Husband #1 is divorcing me.” Rachel took home some of my husband, Peppermeister’s, spiciest peppers with the warning, “Don’t tell me what any of these are.” Fearlessly, she ate one after the other, determined to conquer his hottest homegrowns. Don’t think someone can look amazing and offer cooking tips with their nose running, eyes watering and ears ringing? Guess again. The only thing hotter than the peppers was Rache.

I seem to be forgetting someone… Hmm… Nope. Can’t think of it. Happy Thursday!

OKAY FINE. The man behind the Jafees-which-I-totally-don’t-wish-I’d-thought-of-first…

The Byronic Man

Just to be nice. I’m really only jealous of ~~his intelligence, stand-up comedy, acting skills, stick figures, photo captions, and uncanny ability to get into the minds of animals and share their points of view~~ how good he looks in jeans.

Bloggers: Feel free to pass along your own Jafee awards! Non-bloggers / All: Who drives you loco with jealousy (in and outside of the blogosphere)?

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Blogging, Family Ties, Giveaway Junkie

Mother’s Day is NOT an Excuse for Licking Minivans (GIVEAWAY!)

May 12, 2013May 11, 2013 Go Jules Go

***DISCLAIMER: As with most Go Jules Go giveaways, this one is sponsored by yours truly. All opinions expressed belong to Numero Uno.***

Happy Mother’s Day, Childbearing Chipmunks!

I know I just wrote about how much I prefer dogs to kids, but I’m glad not everyone feels that way.

Last Mother’s Day, I went the epic haiku route, which as we all know, is impossible to top.

Or is it? (In one case, yes.)

Don’t do it, Jules…

One of my favorite moms, Leanne Shirtliffe of Ironic Mom.com, has a NEW BOOK out this month! An actual book! She’s living the bloggy dream! Even The Bloggess is touting it, unsurprisingly, as “awesome.”

Like any wise parent, Leanne knows the best reason for having kids is the writing material. Don’t Lick the Minivan (and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids) features uproarious tales from Leanne’s wild and wacky twin-filled world. I’m particularly excited to read about the birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.

While Babs never gave me any skin rashes, she did subject all three of her children to the infamous bowl haircut. And in a stroke of cruel genius, this year, she decided to have a garage sale on Mother’s Day, thereby guaranteeing slave labor during one of the hottest, muggiest Mother’s Day weekends on record.

So while my brother, sister and I are haggling, sweating and hopefully drinking from cleverly disguised water bottle-flasks, I thought I’d reward you fine folks with a giveaway! At least one of us should have some fun today.

GIVEAWAY

One (1) copy of Don’t Lick the Minivan (and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids) by Leanne Shirtliffe. Will be shipped on or after May 22, 2013.

RULES

Simply leave a comment below describing a favorite ‘mom quote’ moment – either something your mother said (or loves to say…repeatedly…), or something you’ve said as a mom that you never thought you would. (For more great ‘mom quote’ moments, head over to Ironic Mom!)

I’ll ever-so-subjectively pick a winner based on humor and originality.

DEADLINE

Sunday, May 19, 2013, 12pm NOON EST. Winner announced Monday, May 20, 2013, 7am EST.

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Blogging, Lists, Uncle Jesse

Dogs Are Better Than Babies. So Trade Yours, Don.

May 8, 2013May 7, 2013 Go Jules Go

Today things get ugly. As ugly as your babies. I kid, I kid.

Grab your boxing gloves, Chipmunks, because Don, of don of all trades, and I are going head-to-head over:

Dogs vs. Babies

We each get up to ten points to make our case. Don may be a father, lawyer and cop, but ~~totally lets me boss him around~~ little does this man-of-allegedly-every-occupation know, I have experience in blog debates. Many moons ago, Third Husband proposed we discuss the merits (or lack thereof) of Glee, and I think we can all agree that after taking a slushie to the face, I emerged the clear victor.

I’m a little scared to read Don’s opposing argument, though. Not because I’m worried about valid points, god no, but because he’s a shamelessly verbose, terrible person with zero filter; there’s no telling where he’ll take this. He’s already cursed and posted fake sonogram pictures on my Facebook wall, sending both my mother and mother-in-law into a frenzy:

Don's caption? "Awesome...SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!" — Don’s caption? “Awesome…SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!”

So, Don. As much as I like to play dirty, get your mind out of the gutter and grab the leash (that one’s just killing you, isn’t it?). By the time you’re through reading this, you’ll be ready to trade your ten thousand sticky offspring for a downy-soft ‘doodle.

Why Dogs Doodles Are Better Than Babies

1. They sleep a lot.

2. They’re not smart enough for college (can you spell S-A-V-I-N-G-S?).

3. They don’t bug you when you’re hungover sick.

I'll be here. If you need me. Remote's by your pillow. — I’ll be here. If you need me. Remote’s by your pillow.

4. They understand Full House quotes at 10 weeks old.

5. You get to pick the cartoons / car music.

6. No back talk.

Though they may judge you with their incredibly soulful eyes. — Just incredibly ~~telling~~ soulful gazes.

7. Chick / Hunk magnet.

We are a HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF AARP, crowd. — HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF, I mean, AARP crowd.

8. As long as you feed them regularly, they don’t judge your alcohol dependency.

Okay maybe a little. — I think he’s just hungry.

9. You get to pick their halloween costumes. Indefinitely.

Hakuna matata, dog owners. DYFS is just for humans.

10. You don’t have to deal with other dogs’ parents if you don’t want to.

Although everyone knows 'dog people' are a superior breed. — Although everyone knows ‘dog people’ are a superior breed.

Note how I kept this nice and short, for your reading pleasure. Because I care about you, and respect your time, Debate Decision-makers. Unlike some people.

I look forward to hearing how right I am. (In case you missed it, here’s the link to Don’s ~~inferior~~ opposing argument.)

Did I miss any reasons why dogs are better than rug rats?

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Blogging

The First and Last Thing You Should Do Today

May 2, 2013May 2, 2013 Go Jules Go

I am tickled right down to my wee little paws today, Chipmunks.

I’m the Featured Blogger over at She’s A Maineiac!

Things You Will Experience If You Read My ‘Firsts and Lasts’ Interview on She’s A Maineiac

Me in costume
An Uncle Jesse jack-o-lantern
A positive example of molestation
An overwhelming sense of ~~self-worth at my expense~~ mirth

So what are you waiting for?! Click here to check it out!

P.S. – You look soooooooooo cute today. Did you do something different with your stripes?

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Blogging, Everyone Loves a Braggart...Right?

Let the Conversation Continue! Also the Drinking.

April 24, 2013April 24, 2013 Go Jules Go

We are celebratin’ today, Chipmunks!

Hooooo yes we are.

And we’re making up for lost time, because I forgot to celebrate getting a new job on Monday! I know. After a 2 week-long interview process, you’d think a bit ‘o pink bubbly would be first and foremost on this Project Manager’s agenda. But no. I was so busy on Monday, it wasn’t until the following day, when Husband #3 asked how I planned to celebrate, that it dawned on me: For once, I had a valid excuse for the cheap champagne I already drink ~~daily~~ in moderation.

I hope my only decision today is which bottle to open... first. — I hope my only decision today is which bottle to open… first.

And that’s not all we’re celebrating – today I’ve been “Freshly Pegged”! My friend, the hilarious and multi-talented Peg, of Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings, is featuring a post I wrote in December about my writing process, and I’m thrilled – I really, really want to keep this conversation going.

So, I hope you’ll head over to Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings and join the party!

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Blogging, humor

Dear Blog: I’m Sorry

April 11, 2013April 23, 2013 Go Jules Go

April 11, 2013

Dear Blog,

I’m worried you’re starting to feel neglected. You barely look me in the eye, and your Stats page, is, frankly, a bit of a slap in the face. Between juggling 3 husbands, alcohol dependency and finding new and exciting uses for bacon, I really haven’t given you the attention you deserve.

F*ck. 10 months younger. — Sh*t. 10 months younger.

Sure, I’ve still found time to make epic memes and Google the age of every celebrity I like, hoping they’re older than me and I still have my shot at the elusive EGOT. And honestly, I would be famous already, but I’ve been so busy having fake conversations with actual famous people that the last ~~30 years~~ week has just really gotten away from me.

You know I still love you, right, Blog? Remember all the good times? I really made you giggle that time I put ketchup in my hair, and don’t forget the slushie to the face. You like physical comedy, don’t you, Blog? (Did you see Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live this past weekend? She’s a physical comedy goddess, and I worship her. Should we write a post about it? Oh, check! Look at us, Blog. What a team.)

Yes. This really happened, Blog! — Would I lie about this?

In all seriousness, Blog, you know how crazy things have been lately. Heck, by the time you read this, I may be en route to Texas for an undoubtedly blog-worthy wedding. So I hope you’re ready to spend some quality time with me next week. I know, I know. There are so many blog-worthy things happening RIGHT NOW that I can’t blog about, but you understand. After all, one of them involves work. And Uncle Jesse’s role in a marathon interview process. I know, Blog. I know! It’s killing me, too.

I really do love you, Blog. More next week.

xox,

Jules

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What’s your favorite procrastination method / ‘time suck’?

Blogging

“My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” Pilot Episode Airs March 20th!

March 18, 2013March 18, 2013 Go Jules Go

ATTENTION CHIPMUNKS! THIS Wednesday, March 20th, the much-anticipated pilot episode of “My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” is airing on YouTube! More details to come. You miiiiight even see MY HEAD. …I know. You’re welcome.

My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours

The ability to write about what you experience in life is gift.

Living in a dysfunctional family definitely had its down sides. You know, the feeling of being trapped in craziness, no one knows what you’re going through, how can they get away with this, what if I wind up being taken to a mental institution, etcetera etcetera. So, is there an upside? Yes. Being able to make fun of absolutely everything I want to – in the best way I know how. The written word.

Well, when I curled up on my 1983 Miss Piggy sheets in my sweatpants at my tender not-so-young age during severe unemployment and pronounced singlehood, a light bulb came on amidst the cookie-induced fog in my head. What if I created a TV show that could invite the rest of the world to laugh with and at my experience? Except, HBO wasn’t knocking at…

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