Booze, Just For Fun, Marriage

It Wouldn’t Be A Proper Vacation Without…

What day is it again? Where am I? Who are you? (Just kidding – I’ll never let go, Chipmunks.)

I’ve been living it up vacation style, and just wanted to pop in to let you know that both my liver and I are still alive and kicking.

How do I know I’m doin’ this time off thing right?

For starters, leisurely breakfasts have consisted of no fewer than 3 of the following: Croissants, coffee, champagne, cheese, fresh fruit, and/or BACON.

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Breakfast-2

I’ve stopped to smell the roses (or whatever the hell these are) on my morning walks.

early-morning-walk-flowers-2013 early-am-walk-shadow-2013There’s been double rainbow ogling.

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Stops at the bank when I’ve run out of singles for the strip club.

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Or, you know, the local farm stand.

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I’ve loaded up on all the fresh seafood I can get my claws on.

whole-lobstah-2013 lobstah-salad-2013I’ve done my new Fitbit (pedometer) proud and hit the trails with Uncle Jesse. (Note: Your own vacation success should not ride on this particular activity.)

highlands-hike-sweaty-2013 UncleJesse-highlands-hike-2013

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen, making things like homemade mid-east feasts.

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I can still taste the garlic.

And of course, there’s been booze. Lots and lots of booze.

beer-2013

But the real reason I know I’m on vacation? I’ve only turned on my computer once.

The very best part? It’s not over yet! Today First Hub, Peppermeister, and I celebrate our 5th anniversary, and have another week of this to look forward to:

Long-Island-sunset-2012

Ed-Jules-Long-Island-smooch-2012

But just so ya know, it’s not all smooches and sunsets. We like to exchange meaningful gifts, too.

A wolf t-shirt to go with his BB guns.
A cutting-edge wolf t-shirt to go with his BB guns. You’re welcome, Peppermeister.
And his gift to me: Clever methods for stashing booze.
And his gift to me: Clever methods for stashing booze.

Stay tuned next week for the much-anticipated Peppermeister Roulette, where Rachel’s Table and Peppermeister go head to head to see who can handle his hottest homegrown peppers.

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What does vacation success look like to you? It wouldn’t be a vacation without _____?

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Blogging, Booze

Gone Drinkin’ (Again)

Drinking-Champagne

It’s that time of year again, Snookums.

When I can’t come up with a damn thing to write about.

Time for a very short blogging hiatus. Now, now. Dry your wee little chipmunk tears. I’ll be back next week!

My money's on Rache.
My money’s on Rache.

Psst: This Friday at the Go Jules Go compound, it’s Peppermeister (Hub #1) vs. Rachel’s Table. That’s right. Those two are finally going head to head in a Spicy Pepper-Off to see who can handle the hottest homegrowns! I’ll have plenty to report next week.

If you want a delicious sampling of what’s in store, check out Rache’s fantastic “Peppermeister Roulette” videos (video one and video two)!

Don’t have too much fun without me. I love you.

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I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Uncle Jesse

Help! Save The Byronic Birthday Man!

A year and a half ago, I cheekily called a favorite blogger, The Byronic Man, my BFF.

We should all take a moment to reflect on how far my PowerPoint skills have come since this.
We should all pause to reflect on how far my PowerPoint skills have come since this.

I thought it was hilarious. To call a blogging acquaintance -whose real name I’d only learned a month earlier- my Best Friend Forever?

Ha!

Be careful what you wish for, Chipmunks. Since then, The Byronic Man has become not only one of my closest friends, but the people’s choice for Third Husband.

Happy birthday, emoticon-glasses. And, ah, sorry about all of this:

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So what are you waiting for? Quick! Leave links to your favorite meme images and/or birthday well wishes in the comments section below, before we find The Byronic Man opening for Carrot Top!

If you have any trouble posting links in the comments section, feel free to email me your images and I’ll do it for you! Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com.

To see the first installment of Drunk Girl and Byronic Man, click here.

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Giveaway Junkie

GIVEAWAY: Won’t You Be My Codependent Independence Day Friend?

Oh blogging.

How I love you.

Even when your cursor blinks blankly and your Stats page laughs in my face, I come crawling back for more.

Yes. You, much like sweet, sweet, blog giveaway swag, always manage to turn my frowns upside-down.

Speaking of! I’ve been saving a couple of giveaway items for a rainy day, and, well:

I think this qualifies.
I think this qualifies.

So let’s get down to it, shall we?

The Prize

artists-way-giveaway
Clearly I have no use for this book. Thanks, New Jersey weather.

1) Finding Water (part of one of my favorite series, The Artist’s Way) by Julia Cameron.

2) Amazing Fred pens, clever enough to trick anyone into thinking you frequent places like Verdant Fields Nudist Camp or Stuffed With Love Taxidermy.

The Rules

Simply leave a comment describing your unreasonable attachment to any person, pet, place or object. Who or what controls you? That’s right. This Independence Day, we’re celebrating codependency! As usual, I’ll oh-so-subjectively pick a winner based on humor and originality.

If you have any trouble leaving a comment below, feel free to email me: Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com.

The Deadline

Monday, July 8, 2013, midnight EST. Winner announced Thursday, July 11, 2013, 6am EST.

Can’t wait to read your entries, Chipmunks! Now if you’ll excuse me. Vodka dependency calls.

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Kvetching

Scenes From A Swimless Summer

Having a pool sounds great, doesn’t it? Especially this time of year, when it’s nearing 90-degrees Fahrenheit (and 1,000% humidity) in New Jersey.

Pool-Problems-1-fantasy

Hub #1, Peppermeister, and I were thrilled when we purchased our first home in 2010 – there was an in-ground pool in the backyard! We knew nothing about pools, and weren’t sure what lay beneath the forest green tarp, but hoped it was salvageable. We scraped together our last hopes, dreams, blood, sweat and pennies to open the pool that summer. We assumed things would get easier after that.

Here’s a brief recount of the last month.

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EXT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – DAY 1

JULES: We need to do all of the shrubbery trimming BEFORE we take off the pool cover this year.

Pool-Problems-2-shrubs

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INT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – DAYS 2-5

JULES: I just dumped another $100 of shock in, and emptied the vacuum 12 times, but it’s not going to get clean if we can’t keep the filter running.

PEPPERMEISTER: I’ll replace the <blah blah whosiwhatsit widget gauge thingamajig blah blah>. For the third time.

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EXT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – DAY 6

PEPPERMEISTER: Filter still not working. I called Pool Company #1.

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EXT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – DAY 12

PEPPERMEISTER: Did Pool Company #2 come? You made sure to ask them what they did this time, right?

JULES: Yes, they think we need to replace the handle thingy? And you need to call Hector.

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EXT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – DAY 20

PEPPERMEISTER: So it turns out all of those problems with the filter were because…we needed a new filter.

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EXT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – DAY 27

JULES: I got the backwash to work, but can’t get the filter back on.

PEPPERMEISTER: Where did you put the DE powder?

JULES: In the skimmer basket by the pump.

PEPPERMEISTER: That’s not where it’s supposed to go.

JULES: But I watched three YouTube videos! THREE!

PEPPERMEISTER (dialing Pool Company #2): Yeah… uh-huh…okay… yeah… we’ll try that. (adjusts black knobby thing by one of the pipes) Well, now it’s working. But clearly it wasn’t a problem with the filter.

JULES: You’ll have to show me how to do that.

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INT. POOL STORE – DAY 29

CLERK: Can I help you?

JULES: Yes… I need alkaline.

CLERK: How low is it?

JULES: Umm… 6.8?

CLERK: That would be your PH, not your alkaline.

JULES: Oh right, right, of course! The alkaline is like a greenish-yellow on the test strip. Maybe more like a baby puke.

CLERK: How many gallons is your pool?

JULES: Does 50,000 sound like WAY too much?

CLERK: Well just how big is your pool?

JULES: Pool-sized?

CLERK: You probably have 20,000. You’re going to need to balance the alkalinity first, then the pH. You’ll need 1 lb of this for every 10,000 gallons.

JULES (to self): Well played, math and science. Well played.

CLERK: You’re gonna wanna add half this bag, then wait an hour, then the other half, wait an hour. Then add half of the second bag, wait an hour, then the other half, wait an hour. Keep the filter running the whole time. Tomorrow morning, test the water, then add half of this pH.  So you won’t be swimming today.

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EXT. GO JULES GO’S HOUSE – TODAY

JULES: I tested the water. The alkaline is baby puke color again.

PEPPERMEISTER: I think I’m done with the pool.

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What are your summer peeves and/or pay-offs?

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I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now, Kvetching, Marriage, Music

“I Do”-Wop

When my BFF, Jenn, asked how things were going in Plural Marriage-ville, she was surprised by my answer.

Here’s a taste of why.

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Have you ever been in a band, or wish you had been? Any groupies out there?

P.S. – Special thanks to Jenn, and to those of you who suggested The Hubs form a band. Less special thanks to Hubs 1 through 3. Now cut that sh*t out.

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New Jersey is breathtaking, PSAs, Uncategorized

6 Things You Need To Know Before Taking Up Hiking

Alternate titles: R.I.P. Big Toenail; I Can’t Feel My Butt; Who Needs Heel Skin, Anyway?

I logged 17 miles in hiking this weekend, Chipmunks. (And I saw you! Yes. I saw my first chipmunk since December!)

Local hiking splendor.
Local hiking splendor.

You’re probably wondering who I am and what I’ve done to Jules. I have a confession. When I’m not drinking and Googling bacon recipes, I like to go outside and get my sweat nature on. I can’t stand running, and cyclists make me think devil thoughts, but give me a dirt path, some shady trees and a mountain view payoff, and I’m there faster than you can say, “Does this trail mix have chocolate chips? Because that’s really the only kind worth buying.”

Mt. Monadnock, 2005.
Mt. Monadnock, 2005.

It’s been a while since I’ve hit the hardcore trails , but in order to combat the three B’s (boredom, bumming and broke-itude) that have slammed me lately, I decided to get my Timberland mojo back. I’ve been tackling the relatively tame local trails over the past couple of months, and had planned on spending the summer working up to trails like the steep ‘Stairway to Heaven’ in northern New Jersey, with the ultimate goal of hitting Mt. Monadnock in New Hampshire this fall.

But.

The stubborn Taurus in me had other plans. “Did the 6+ mile loop again today,” I told my first husband, Peppermeister, on Saturday. “Doing 10 tomorrow.”

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Then I picked this trail:

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Then I drove an hour there. I was ready and rarin’ to go.

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6 Things You Need to Know Before Taking Up Hiking

1. Just because a sign seems to promise bears, this does not mean you’ll finally carry out that long awaited convo with the Shakespearean meme bear.

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2. Hiking Guide Books ‘under’ embellish.

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3. By mile 7, you will not look like someone from an LL Bean catalog. Even though everyone else you encounter, inevitably, won’t have broken a sweat.

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4. In New Jersey, you can run, but you can’t hide. From cicadas.

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5. Some Most times, you’ll see some cool ass shiz.

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6. You will have every right to come home and do nothing but act superior, drink champagne and eat all of it. Just… all of it.

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Is there a sport / activity you think is borderline insane, but you love it anyway? Or one that, no matter what, you’d never be caught dead doing?

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Blonde Moments

Still Blonde Over Here.

I thought glasses made you look smarter...
I thought glasses made you look smarter…

I’ve never really understood dumb blonde jokes.

Hey! Why are you laughing?

Okay, fine. There was that time I played a trivia game with friends and thought Interpol was only the name of a band, not the International Criminal Police Organization.

Oh, Julie? You've heard of it?
Oh, Julie? You’ve heard of it?

And that time I got Joshua Jackson’s autograph and told him how to spell Julie.

And that time I brought a baby shower gift to a wedding shower.

Who wouldn't hire me?
Who wouldn’t hire me?

And maybe something similar happened this week.

You might recall I recently started a new position at my company (Big Pharma, Inc.), developing training. I’m pretty sure my dog, Uncle Jesse, got me the job – he was part of the Sudoku lesson I had to put together during the intense interview process.

My new group is creative, fun and hilarious. I’m finally among colleagues who appreciate my memes!

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This team of 13 celebrates everything. On my first day in the new office, it was No Diet Monday, and my manager brought cheesecake for breakfast. She decorated my new cubicle, too. “I think I’m gonna like it here,” I thought.

For the past two weeks, they’ve been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for two of the women in the group. A difficult task, since people work from home a lot.

The first Monday, I made cookies. The birthday girls didn’t show. This Monday, I made tortilla roll-ups, and one woman didn’t show.cubicle-welcome

“Well, as long as Laura comes in, we’ll still have the party,” everyone kept saying.

Later that morning, I popped my head next door to say hi to my cool, spirited cubicle neighbor. We’d only spoken a couple of times, but had bonded right away.

“Hi! Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?” she had blurted when she’d first shook my hand.

I had blinked back my surprise and laughed, dying to know where this conversation would go. She had had a point, eventually.

That Monday morning, I repeated the refrain of the day, “As long as Laura shows up, we’re still having the birthday party!”

She smiled and said, “Okay!” and we started talking about wine. Because of course.

At noon, we all hid in a nearby conference room and set up the food. In walked my cubicle neighbor, and everyone clapped and sang “Happy Birthday.”

I sang along merrily.

“Do you know what you said to me this morning?” the birthday girl asked loudly. I was sure she was going to regale the group with some amusing tidbit I’d dropped, letting all of my new coworkers see how charming and funny I could be, even unawares.

“No,” I replied, grinning.

“You said, ‘As long as Laura shows up, we’ll still have the party’! I thought you didn’t know who I was!”

Yes. That’s right. I told Laura we’d still have the party as long as Laura showed up. Then I sang “Happy Birthday” to Laura, forgetting I’d talked to Laura at all.

Sigh.

I distracted my colleagues with stories of Uncle Jesse and the beautiful chickens down the road. Later that day, Laura sent a thank you e-mail to everyone. I replied with this:

Dear Whoever You Are:

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Sincerely,

Uncle Jesse’s caretaker

Any embarrassing work stories to share? Blonde moments?

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Blogging, Lists, Uncle Jesse

Dogs Are Better Than Babies. So Trade Yours, Don.

Today things get ugly. As ugly as your babies. I kid, I kid.

Grab your boxing gloves, Chipmunks, because Don, of don of all trades, and I are going head-to-head over:

Dogs vs. Babies

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We each get up to ten points to make our case. Don may be a father, lawyer and cop, but totally lets me boss him around little does this man-of-allegedly-every-occupation know, I have experience in blog debates. Many moons ago, Third Husband proposed we discuss the merits (or lack thereof) of Glee, and I think we can all agree that after taking a slushie to the face, I emerged the clear victor.

Sweet, sweet, cherry-flavored victory.
Sweet, sweet, cherry-flavored victory.

I’m a little scared to read Don’s opposing argument, though. Not because I’m worried about valid points, god no, but because he’s a shamelessly verbose, terrible person with zero filter; there’s no telling where he’ll take this. He’s already cursed and posted fake sonogram pictures on my Facebook wall, sending both my mother and mother-in-law into a frenzy:

Don's caption? "Awesome...SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!"
Don’s caption? “Awesome…SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!”

So, Don. As much as I like to play dirty, get your mind out of the gutter and grab the leash (that one’s just killing you, isn’t it?). By the time you’re through reading this, you’ll be ready to trade your ten thousand sticky offspring for a downy-soft ‘doodle.

Why Dogs Doodles Are Better Than Babies

1. They sleep a lot.

Like, a lot a lot. Soooo much.
Like, a lot a lot. Soooo much.

2. They’re not smart enough for college (can you spell S-A-V-I-N-G-S?).

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3. They don’t bug you when you’re hungover sick.

I'll be here. If you need me. Remote's by your pillow.
I’ll be here. If you need me. Remote’s by your pillow.

4. They understand Full House quotes at 10 weeks old.

5. You get to pick the cartoons / car music.

None of this creepy sh*t.
None of this creepy sh*t.

6. No back talk.

Though they may judge you with their incredibly soulful eyes.
Just incredibly telling soulful gazes.

7. Chick / Hunk magnet.

We are a HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF AARP, crowd.
HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF, I mean, AARP crowd.

8. As long as you feed them regularly, they don’t judge your alcohol dependency.

Okay maybe a little.
I think he’s just hungry.

9. You get to pick their halloween costumes. Indefinitely.

Hakuna matata, dog owners. DYFS is just for humans.
Hakuna matata, dog owners. DYFS is just for humans.

10. You don’t have to deal with other dogs’ parents if you don’t want to.

Although everyone knows 'dog people' are a superior breed.
Although everyone knows ‘dog people’ are a superior breed.

Note how I kept this nice and short, for your reading pleasure. Because I care about you, and respect your time, Debate Decision-makers. Unlike some people.

I look forward to hearing how right I am. (In case you missed it, here’s the link to Don’s inferior opposing argument.)

Did I miss any reasons why dogs are better than rug rats?

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Blogging

The First and Last Thing You Should Do Today

I am tickled right down to my wee little paws today, Chipmunks.

I’m the Featured Blogger over at She’s A Maineiac!

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Things You Will Experience If You Read My ‘Firsts and Lasts’ Interview on She’s A Maineiac

  • Me in costume
  • An Uncle Jesse jack-o-lantern
  • A positive example of molestation
  • An overwhelming sense of self-worth at my expense mirth

So what are you waiting for?! Click here to check it out!

P.S. – You look soooooooooo cute today. Did you do something different with your stripes?

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