One of my adorable and hilarious bloggy friends, Thoughtsy of Thoughts Appear, propositioned me recently.
No, she didn’t offer to share her prized Pop-Tarts (but she did give me animated ‘stache glasses and flavored vodka when we met last summer at the BlogHer ’12 conference).
I mean come on. Amazeballs.
She offered me a guest post spot on her blog, for one of her regular fun features:Movies Teach Us!
I know his ‘stache was legendary, Josh, but for the love of God, put down the Nietzsche (ha ha, get it? “Love of God”? Nietzsche?) and focus on your own chin pubes.
Oh, Chipmunks. I can’t stuff a cheek without bumping into another compliment / award / congratulatory butt slap these days. So it goes when you have brains, charm and a disarming perma-grin honed from years of smiling and nodding.
Great! Whatever you say! …Wait, what?
This week I received not only a rad ‘stache-themed award from the lovely xdanigirl of The Life and Times of a Mom, but also my very first…
Jafee!
That’s right! The brand new “Jealous as F***” award from The Byronic Man!
Third Hub claims he’s wildly jealous of a video blog I made some time ago. I’ll take his word for it, though he couldn’t even find said video, because I know he’s heartbreakingly envious of my amazing memes everything I do.
The Byronic Man has always had exceptional taste.
Normally I try to revel in others’ successes, but let’s get real. There are some bloggers out there who make me want to hurl myself down a set of stairs. I’m talking about bloggers who, in the spirit of the Jafees, make me rip out my hair and scream, “DANGNABBIT I wish I’d thought of that first!”
So here, in random order, are my first Jafee Award winners! Please accept this nod as a token of my seething resentment.
(Note: Anyone can pass along Jafee awards; winners are under no obligation to do so.)
I’m not kidding when I tell you I’m shamefully jealz of Becca from 25tofly. She’s young(er), pretty(ier), funny(ier), has killer dance moves, a great following, and she can put together a video blog like nobody’s business. When I saw this, and this, I kind of wanted to cry. What’s more, Becca recently quit her day job in order to pursue making videos, so no, no, I’m not jealous at all.
Nina is not only a social media guru who penned Twitter advice that’s garnered oodles of attention, but she writes for a bunch of other websites, a top source of my blinding jealousy. In addition to being a truly talented writer and all-around nice person, Nina’s got 4 kids and a rockin’ bod (hate her). She also just kicked her public speaking fear in the ass [by reading a piece on stage], which is something I so wish I had the nerve do.
I’m lucky enough to call JM of Accidental Stepmom a real-life friend. This confuses me, because she is way too cool to want to hang out with me. She does sound for Broadway for crying out loud! She’s authored some of my all-time favorite blog posts, and she’s the type of universally appealing blogger that non-bloggers love to read. She’s irresistibly smart and funny without trying too hard. Now that is envy-inducing.
If you’re not jealous of Rian from Truth and Cake, it’s only because you don’t know her. Her second ever blog post was Freshly Pressed (i.e., featured on the home page of WordPress.com). She came out guns blazing, with exceptionally sincere, thoughtful and well-written posts. Rian has one of those voices all writers strive for – you want to hear what she has to say, and feel confident taking her advice. What really gets my jealousy meter fired up, though, is the fact that she married a South African with an undoubtedly awesome accent her drool-worthy graphic design / photography skills and overall style.
When my dear friend Rache decided to go on video with her first ‘Peppermeister Roulette,’ I thought, “Well. This is it. Husband #1 is divorcing me.” Rachel took home some of my husband, Peppermeister’s, spiciest peppers with the warning, “Don’t tell me what any of these are.” Fearlessly, she ate one after the other, determined to conquer his hottest homegrowns. Don’t think someone can look amazing and offer cooking tips with their nose running, eyes watering and ears ringing? Guess again. The only thing hotter than the peppers was Rache.
I seem to be forgetting someone… Hmm… Nope. Can’t think of it. Happy Thursday!
OKAY FINE. The man behind the Jafees-which-I-totally-don’t-wish-I’d-thought-of-first…
Just to be nice. I’m really only jealous of his intelligence, stand-up comedy, acting skills, stick figures, photo captions, and uncanny ability to get into the minds of animals and share their points of viewhow good he looks in jeans.
Bloggers: Feel free to pass along your own Jafee awards! Non-bloggers / All: Who drives you loco with jealousy (in and outside of the blogosphere)?
One of my favorite moms, Leanne Shirtliffe of Ironic Mom.com, has a NEW BOOK out this month! An actual book! She’s living the bloggy dream! Even The Bloggess is touting it, unsurprisingly, as “awesome.”
But… but…
Like any wise parent, Leanne knows the best reason for having kids is the writing material. Don’t Lick the Minivan (and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids) features uproarious tales from Leanne’s wild and wacky twin-filled world. I’m particularly excited to read about the birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.
She really used a bowl. I swear.
While Babs never gave me any skin rashes, she did subject all three of her children to the infamous bowl haircut. And in a stroke of cruel genius, this year, she decided to have a garage sale on Mother’s Day, thereby guaranteeing slave labor during one of the hottest, muggiest Mother’s Day weekends on record.
So while my brother, sister and I are haggling, sweating and hopefully drinking from cleverly disguised water bottle-flasks, I thought I’d reward you fine folks with a giveaway! At least one of us should have some fun today.
Simply leave a comment below describing a favorite ‘mom quote’ moment – either something your mother said (or loves to say…repeatedly…), or something you’ve said as a mom that you never thought you would. (For more great ‘mom quote’ moments, head over to Ironic Mom!)
I’ll ever-so-subjectively pick a winner based on humor and originality.
DEADLINE
Sunday, May 19, 2013, 12pm NOON EST. Winner announced Monday, May 20, 2013, 7am EST.
Today things get ugly. As ugly as your babies. I kid, I kid.
Grab your boxing gloves, Chipmunks, because Don, of don of all trades, and I are going head-to-head over:
Dogs vs. Babies
We each get up to ten points to make our case. Don may be a father, lawyer and cop, but totally lets me boss him around little does this man-of-allegedly-every-occupation know, I have experience in blog debates. Many moons ago, Third Husband proposed we discuss the merits (or lack thereof) of Glee, and I think we can all agree that after taking a slushie to the face, I emerged the clear victor.
Sweet, sweet, cherry-flavored victory.
I’m a little scared to read Don’s opposing argument, though. Not because I’m worried about valid points, god no, but because he’s a shamelessly verbose, terrible person with zero filter; there’s no telling where he’ll take this. He’s already cursed and posted fake sonogram pictures on my Facebook wall, sending both my mother and mother-in-law into a frenzy:
Don’s caption? “Awesome…SOOOOOO excited for you guys!!”
So, Don. As much as I like to play dirty, get your mind out of the gutter and grab the leash (that one’s just killing you, isn’t it?). By the time you’re through reading this, you’ll be ready to trade your ten thousand sticky offspring for a downy-soft ‘doodle.
Why Dogs Doodles Are Better Than Babies
1. They sleep a lot.
Like, a lot a lot. Soooo much.
2. They’re not smart enough for college (can you spell S-A-V-I-N-G-S?).
3. They don’t bug you when you’re hungover sick.
I’ll be here. If you need me. Remote’s by your pillow.
4. They understand Full House quotes at 10 weeks old.
5. You get to pick the cartoons / car music.
None of this creepy sh*t.
6. No back talk.
Just incredibly telling soulful gazes.
7. Chick / Hunk magnet.
HUGE hit with the neighborhood AARF, I mean, AARP crowd.
8. As long as you feed them regularly, they don’t judge your alcohol dependency.
I think he’s just hungry.
9. You get to pick their halloween costumes. Indefinitely.
Hakuna matata, dog owners. DYFS is just for humans.
10. You don’t have to deal with other dogs’ parents if you don’t want to.
Although everyone knows ‘dog people’ are a superior breed.
Note how I kept this nice and short, for your reading pleasure. Because I care about you, and respect your time, Debate Decision-makers. Unlike some people.
And we’re making up for lost time, because I forgot to celebrate getting a new job on Monday! I know. After a 2 week-long interview process, you’d think a bit ‘o pink bubbly would be first and foremost on this Project Manager’s agenda. But no. I was so busy on Monday, it wasn’t until the following day, when Husband #3 asked how I planned to celebrate, that it dawned on me: For once, I had a valid excuse for the cheap champagne I already drink daily in moderation.
I hope my only decision today is which bottle to open… first.
And that’s not all we’re celebrating – today I’ve been “Freshly Pegged”! My friend, the hilarious and multi-talented Peg, of Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings, is featuring a post I wrote in December about my writing process, and I’m thrilled – I really, really want to keep this conversation going.
I’m worried you’re starting to feel neglected. You barely look me in the eye, and your Stats page, is, frankly, a bit of a slap in the face. Between juggling 3 husbands, alcohol dependency and finding new and exciting uses for bacon, I really haven’t given you the attention you deserve.
Sh*t. 10 months younger.
Sure, I’ve still found time to make epic memes and Google the age of every celebrity I like, hoping they’re older than me and I still have my shot at the elusive EGOT. And honestly, I would be famous already, but I’ve been so busy having fake conversations with actual famous people that the last 30 years week has just really gotten away from me.
You know I still love you, right, Blog? Remember all the good times? I really made you giggle that time I put ketchup in my hair, and don’t forget the slushie to the face. You like physical comedy, don’t you, Blog? (Did you see Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live this past weekend? She’s a physical comedy goddess, and I worship her. Should we write a post about it? Oh, check! Look at us, Blog. What a team.)
Would I lie about this?
In all seriousness, Blog, you know how crazy things have been lately. Heck, by the time you read this, I may be en route to Texas for an undoubtedly blog-worthy wedding. So I hope you’re ready to spend some quality time with me next week. I know, I know. There are so many blog-worthy things happening RIGHT NOW that I can’t blog about, but you understand. After all, one of them involves work. And Uncle Jesse’s role in a marathon interview process. I know, Blog. I know! It’s killing me, too.
I really do love you, Blog. More next week.
xox,
Jules
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What’s your favorite procrastination method / ‘time suck’?
ATTENTION CHIPMUNKS! THIS Wednesday, March 20th, the much-anticipated pilot episode of “My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours” is airing on YouTube! More details to come. You miiiiight even see MY HEAD. …I know. You’re welcome.
The ability to write about what you experience in life is gift.
Living in a dysfunctional family definitely had its down sides. You know, the feeling of being trapped in craziness, no one knows what you’re going through, how can they get away with this, what if I wind up being taken to a mental institution, etcetera etcetera. So, is there an upside? Yes. Being able to make fun of absolutely everything I want to – in the best way I know how. The written word.
Well, when I curled up on my 1983 Miss Piggy sheets in my sweatpants at my tender not-so-young age during severe unemployment and pronounced singlehood, a light bulb came on amidst the cookie-induced fog in my head. What if I created a TV show that could invite the rest of the world to laugh with and at my experience? Except, HBO wasn’t knocking at…
Once upon a time, I drove a sparkly VW convertible, Aquarius blue with a gray soft top and interior. By sheer nepotism luck, I’d scored a well-paying job in Big Pharma right after I graduated college, and in May 2005, I bought her.
Nudge.
Named for her annoying ‘alert’ sound, Nudge had a habit of wailing the instant you sat down without your seatbelt, left the door open, or felt too smug for your own good.
She sure was cute, though. AND THE CAR WASN’T HALF BAD EITHER!
Now don’t misunderstand me: I hate to drive. No interest in cars. If I won the Mega Millions, the first thing I’d do is hire a chauffeur. But Nudge, well, she was special. A sign of independence, financial and otherwise.
Before Nudge, I had a series of hoop-dee cars. I never minded; I was grateful for my parents’ hand-me-downs, already used when they bought them, barely worth $1,000 combined by the time they were in my possession. I couldn’t stand the idea of high school kids getting brand new cars for their 16th birthdays. How would they ever learn the value of a dollar, or the thrill of gluing ‘NSync bobbleheads to the dash of their 1987 Chrysler Le Baron (“Toaster”) without consequence?
How did I have any friends?
When Peppermeister (Current Husband) and I decided to buy a house in 2010, I sold Nudge and paid cash for a used 2006 Hyundai Sonata with a buttload of miles on it. Aside from being in my price range, it handled well, had great pick-up, 4 doors, and most importantly, unlike Nudge, excellent visibility. At 28 years old, it was my grown-up car.
So it stunk like smoke for the first four months. It has a sunroof! That’s almost as fun as a brand new VW convertible that smells like hope and roses… Right?
Two weeks ago, I met up with a few lovely blogger friends for brunch: Rache from Rachel’s Table, Misty from Misty’s Laws, and Julie Maida from MaidaSomeArt. Julie had driven to Rache’s house in Delaware from Virginia, and Dash and I had come from New Jersey.
We traded war stories.
“So my heat knob’s not working now,” I began, as we I poured champagne and put Rache to work making delicious frittatas. “It used to work on the 1 and 4 levels, but now nothing. Which means I can’t use the defrost. Luckily, it was sleeting the whole drive here, so that was fun. I need warmer gloves,” I finished with the casual laugh of someone who knows all too well what it means to drive a car with the roof lining dangling on your head, loosely kept in place with multi-colored thumbtacks.
Julie Maida and her custom Rachel’s Table champagne glass.
Julie replied, “Did you have a bottle of water, at least?”
I looked at her quizzically. She explained, “To thaw the ice. I took my husband’s car, and the windshield wiper fluid doesn’t work. And you know it was misting just enough where the wipers only smudge up the windshield. Luckily, I had a bottle of water in the car, so I tossed that on the windshield when I stopped to pay the tolls – which is also when I had to open the car door because the window won’t roll down.”
It reminded me of one of my all-time favorite hoop-dee stories. Peppermeister drove a real winner when we started dating in 2003: A 1987 Chevy Blazer. There was an issue with the lock, but he was able to open the doors with… a dime. A dime in the keyhole. A dime he kept hidden in the rust hole at the bottom of the driver’s side door.
Let me repeat that.
He opened his car using a dime that he stored in the rust hole of the car door.
What’s your favorite hoop-dee car story? I really can’t wait to hear.
Go Jules Go 