Tag: humor

Food, Marriage

I Tasted Another Man’s Peppers

Go Jules Go

Chipmunks, when I dream, I dream big bad.

And by dream I mean scheme.

I set my sights on things like embarrassing my friends. Or my in-laws. Or my web design classmates.

It almost never backfires. (Except for when it always backfires.)

Up until last week, I was still dissatisfied, though. A nagging, long-time dream eluded me:

Making my Current Husband, Peppermeister, jealous.

You see,  he’s always been incredibly secure, and, well, it’s maddening. Like, who is he to steal all the confidence in the world and leave nothing for the rest of us? Am I right?

What’s more, in order to keep the relationship balanced, I assumed the surplus jealousy he was unwilling to feel. Exhausting.

I yearned to put this pepper-lover in his place.

I tried talking about other men, crafting elaborate schemes to secure a second husband, flaunting my assets… Nothing. Nary a raised eyebrow or passive-aggressive-taking-of-the-last-Hot-Pocket.

Argh!

The closest I ever came? Justin Timberlake hosting Saturday Night Live:

“You know he’s not as funny as you think he is,” Peppermeister commented, watching me howl as J.T. brought it on down to Omelet-ville.

My heart fluttered. Could this be it? Was it not perfect teeth, rock hard abs, unfathomable wealth and a melodious voice, but another man’s comedic talent that would rile him?

“Are you jealous?” I asked.

“No. I’m funnier,” Peppermeister calmly replied.

Double argh!

Is it time to finally give up and accept his constant praise and unconditional support? I wondered.

Then, as if the chipmunk gods had spoken, last week Peppermeister caught sight of something resting on the kitchen counter:

“What the hell is this?” he asked, eyes as fiery as his homemade sriracha sauce.

Bingo.

“Oh that?” I batted my eyelashes. “This guy at work gave it to me. He said he has more peppers than he knows what to do with.”

I paused.

“And you don’t grow that kind.”

“This isn’t organic,” he spat.

“He said they were,” I replied innocently.

“Get this out of my kitchen.”

“He sits right next to me,” I sighed. “I just love the regular bell peppers.”

He stormed out of the kitchen, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.

At last.

At long last.

So. What keeps your relationship spicy? (PG-rated, please, Chipmunks.)

***BLOGGY NOTE(S): The deadline for my “Hold Onto Your Hats” Halloween Contest is Oct 27th! The prize is amazing: A jack-o-lantern designed and carved just for you by yours truly…and Sun-Staches mustache glasses!

Also? I’m sorry I’ve been pretty M.I.A. lately; lots of fun things to share with you soon. In the meantime, please know that you and blogging are an important part of my life. I really mean that. I hope it makes you as uncomfortable as my coworker [with the bell peppers] would be if he read this post.***

Uncategorized

For My Sister: Canvas Print Giveaway!

Go Jules Go

Dear Sis,

Who made you that cake, Sis? Not some g.d. slouch, I’ll tell you that much.

Today you turn thirty…something. But don’t worry – you don’t look a day over 18!  Must be all of that running and biking and swimming and not drinking and how are we related again?

Being the kind, compassionate sibling I am, I thought this was the perfect opportunity to remind you of my forthcoming inheritance. I mean, ha ha, the family’s not getting any younger, are they? (Are we? Are you? Is that what’s going on here? Families don’t keep secrets, Sis.)

Anyway, like I was saying. My inheritance: Babs’ photo albums.

Oh yes. Remember when I staked my claim long, long ago? As a kid, younger than you as ever, I’d creep into Mom’s craft area (by the way, nice of you to share part of your room for that), sit on the floor, and flip through her photo albums for hours.

Even before scrapbooking was ‘in,’ Babs created masterpieces. I’ve yet to see photo albums that rival hers. Oh, except yours, of course.

And one day? They’re mine. All mine.

Don’t worry, Sis, I’ll take pictures of the pages any time you want.

Of course, Uncle Jesse will be in all of them.

To soothe any hard feelings, I got you this lovely 11 x 14-inch canvas print from Printcopia.

There you are, right in the middle. I’d have competed too, but, you know. Don’t want to spill the drink.

Well. Technically they gave it to me. For free.

But it’s the thought that counts, right?

What’s more, Printcopia said I could give one away to a lucky reader! Yeah! Doesn’t that make you happy, too, Sis? To give something to one of my blog readers?

Happy Birthday! You’re welcome.

Love,

Jul

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Let’s just say Babs is better with scrapbooking than she is with haircuts.

You heard correctly, Chipmunks – and all you have to do for a chance to win a free 11 x 14-inch canvas print like mine (but, you know, with your own pic… No you can’t use this one. Don’t be weird. Weird was so three days ago. Now we’re being satirical) from Printcopia is leave a comment below telling me a sibling rivalry story. If you don’t have any siblings, what ridiculous rules did your parents have when you were growing up? 

Deadline: 8am EST, SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14th.

I will announce a favorite answer at 6am EST on Monday, October 15, 2012. The winner will receive a promotional code from Printcopia via email and can order their free print online, just like I did (it’s easy peasy)! Cool beans, Printcopia! Thanks!

I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

Homework is for Suckers and Weirdos

Go Jules Go

Well, Chipmunks, I promised to report back about my first HTML (web design) homework assignment, and if there’s one thing I do, it’s keep my word.

As you might recall, I had to create a basic web page featuring certain elements like an image and a list. Since content doesn’t matter in this kind of class, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to show my eccentric side. And yours. Thank you for your phenomenally weird suggestions. I think we can all agree we made my professor and classmates uncomfortable had fun.

Here’s the web page I we came up with (click on either image to enlarge):

Pretty special, huh? In case you’re wondering, the “wizard” link goes here, and the “She-Man” link goes here (thanks, Byronic Man and clemarchives!).

I also made a lasting impression when, in the first class, the professor brought up this page, and…

…I burst out laughing.

I was the only one.

Thank god you guys have a sense of humor.

Because apparently no one else does.

Has anyone else headed back to school this fall? If you could teach any class, what would it be (go ahead, be phenomenally weird again [please])?

P.S. – My next web page? I’ve Held My Father-in-Law’s Back Hair.

Giveaway Junkie, I'm Going To Chop My Ear Off Any Day Now

Hold onto Your Hats: My Halloween Contest Starts NOW!

Go Jules Go

Oh. Oh. Oh. My God. Deep breaths.

I can’t believe IT’S FINALLY TIME.

I’ve been waiting ALL YEAR for this.

No, it’s not giving the middle finger. I never said I was good at this.

Last fall, when this blog was still called Go Guilty Pleasures!, I asked readers to make a 30-second video blog about a favorite guilty pleasure. The winner received a custom jack-o-lantern, designed and carved by yours truly.

Imagine apple picking with THIS.

I know. As if fall wasn’t already the Darren Criss of seasons.

I had so much fun with it, I immediately started thinking about next year’s contest. Video blogs are tricky; I wanted something easier for participants.

Then this happened:

Did you hear Renée likes to win? (rasjacobson.com)

And this happened:

Donah, aren’t slap bracelets royally awesome? (sweetjellybean.com)

And it hit me. I love hats. All hats. It’s, without a doubt, a top guilty pleasure. Thus, I bring to you:

The Rules

Design a hat incorporating something fun / funny / silly that speaks to your inner chipmunk. Use ANYTHING, so long as you can find a way to put it on your head and take a picture.

If you want to stay anonymous, you can put the hat on a pet or stuffed animal, or I will gladly superimpose a head of your my choosing onto the picture before posting it.

Submit your pictures via email, Twitter, or your blog (just be sure to let me know you’ve done so).

One submission per person.

The Deadline

Friday, October 26, 2012, 12 MIDNIGHT EST.

DEADLINE EXTENDED to Saturday, October 27, 2012, 12 MIDNIGHT EST.

The Prize(s)

1st Place: A custom jack-o-lantern from Go Jules Go. Since I can’t ship that to you, you’ll also receive a pair of ‘stache glasses!

Runner-up: ‘Stache-glasses, ‘o course.

(If you already have a pair of ‘stache glasses, I’ll give you some other fun, ‘stache-y options.)

I’ll post your submissions throughout the month, and announce the winner on Halloween (Wednesday, October 31, 2012, 6am EST).

If you didn’t just pee a little from excitement, you’re dead to me.

Good luck! …I love you.

Family Ties

The One Where Things Get Hairy

Go Jules Go

Chipmunks, this is undoubtedly the most polarizing post I’ve ever published.

If you make it through, I’ll know where we stand.

Once upon a time, this came into my life:

Wait for it…

Maybe I should back up. Speaking of backs, that’s a bag of back hair.

My father-in-law’s back hair.

Still with me? Okay, good. It really makes perfect sense. You see, a guy’s gotta shave his back, and my mother-in-law heard sprinkling hair around the perimeter of your property keeps deer away.

And if the deer are away, Peppermeister‘s (Husband #1) garden is safe.

And everybody’s happy.

Though this was a surprise to us, it was like it was meant to be. Like recycling between father and son. Mother Nature at work.

…No? Are you saying you’re against recycling and Mother Nature? You probably just want us to shoot those poor deer, don’t you? Wow.

The day we were given the back hair, my sister-in-law (SIL) caught sight of the exchange, and, well… She was less than pleased. Disgusted might be the word. Yeah. That’s the one.

So, naturally, there was only one thing to do.

Before we left the family gathering that night, Peppermeister hid the bag ‘o back hair in SIL’s cooler. Specifically, the cooler where she keeps her children’s food.

Because…obviously.

Over the next few months, we found various unsettling ways to keep the back hair traveling between each other’s houses. It landed anywhere but scattered around the perimeter of our house, clearly destined for greatness.

And then it went missing. For months.

Until last Saturday, when I did my yearly cleaning.

Well played.

Thank god. I should really clean more often.

Do you have any ongoing pranks / inside jokes that tickle your back hair fancy?

P.S. – Watch your back, SIL. Watch your back.

Just For Fun

I Need Your Help with My Homework

Go Jules Go

Somehow, on Tuesday night, I found myself back in school.

After earning my Bachelor’s in 2004, I never thought I’d go back.

Homework is for suckers, am I right?!

Yet there I was, on my merry way to a web design certification class.

Yes. They make nerd ‘stache glasses!

Okay, technically it’s a continuing education class for old farts like me who want to broaden their skill sets   change careers  eeny-meenie-miney-mo between Pottery 101, How to Interpret Your Dog’s Dreams, and House Plants for People Who, Sorry Mom, Are Never Having Kids.

But still.

There’s a teacher. There are students. There are rad new school supplies:

And the college diet essentials:

I just don’t know how to quit you, Hot Pocket.

It’s totally school. I’m back in school.

What was I thinking?

I almost had a stroke when I had to take the 4-hour, 200-question Project Management Professional certification test last year.

But then I got my hands on Dreamweaver (HTML editor software), and well, I think I’m gonna like it here.

There’s just one thing.

I need your help.

For my first homework assignment, I have to create a basic HTML webpage. It must contain a header, intro paragraph, a picture and a few bullet points.

The actual “content” doesn’t matter.

HA!

Like I’m going to write about the weather!

This is far too much temptation.

The possibilities are endless!

So, please have at it in the comments section. What weird, random stuff can I pull into my web page to make the entire class uncomfortable? (And don’t worry, I’ll report back and show you the final product. You know I live for this shiz.)

Oh and don’t forget to enter the September ‘Stache Glasses Giveaway Contest (deadline: Friday, Sep 28th, 12pm MIDNIGHT EST)! The entries so far are a riot – thank you!

Oops. I have no idea how this freshly groomed picture of Uncle Jesse got in here!

P.S. – Did anyone notice I already put my new HTML skillz to work in this post? Wait’ll you see me in the comments section.

Giveaway Junkie

September ‘Stache Glasses Giveaway!

Go Jules Go

Who cares that it’s Friday, all that matters is: It’s ‘stache glasses giveaway time!

I hope you were sitting down.

This month is EXTRA chipmunkalicious, because Sun-Staches sent me ‘stache glasses to give away for free! That’s how awesome you are!

They’re just…they’re just so…I can’t even…

To win a pair of Sun-Staches glasses, tell me in the comments section below about the funniest way to quit a job. What would you say? How would you make your grand exit? Whether or not you’re a disgruntled employee, I encourage you to go all out, and use some part of a current or previous job as inspiration. Extra points for puns and creative use of office supplies.

I’ll choose a favorite and announce it on Monday, October 1, 2012. The winner can pick a pair of ‘stache glasses from the below and I’ll have them shipped faster than you can say, “Does polygamy really only apply to multiple wives? Because I’ve looked this up and frankly it’s unclear. And, P.S., polyandry is not nearly as fun to say.”

Don’t think that’s amazing? Just ask last month’s winner, Nicki from The Middlest Sister (I’m sorry, mylifeisthebestlife – yours will be there soon! Blame Canada!)!

Nicki’s the first person to let me pick a pair for her. Annnnd probably the last. But seriously. They’re beautiful.

Deadline: Midnight EST, Friday, September 28, 2012.

Print that’s way less fun than this video (thanks, Darla!): This giveaway is open to anyone who’s willing to enter and provide their mailing address in the event that they’re the winner. If you have any trouble leaving a comment in the comments section below, you can enter via email: Julie(dot)Davidoski(at)yahoo(dot)com. One submission per person.

I love you like my first husband loves peppers.

What more do you need to know?

Blogging, Family Ties

No Way I Was Missing My Reservation at Rachel’s Table: THE PREQUEL

Go Jules Go

Come with me, Chipmunks, on a little trip…

A little trip to Maryland for a family retirement party. Pretend it’s this past Saturday and your friend Jules is looking very cute overdressed in her lacy black dress…

Peppermeister (Husband Number Uno) and I headed down to Maryland in the morning and made great time – under 4 hours from western New Jersey.

We were staying overnight, but didn’t have time to check into the hotel first. No matter, because once at the party, I got to do one of my favorite things:

Drink Color.

I had to keep a safe distance from my other adorable nephew, who brought just one toy. Yes. A scorpion. The only thing I fear more than a world without cheese.

Everyone’s a comedian.

After the party, Peppermeister and I headed a little over 20 miles north to Baltimore to check into our hotel. We paid to park, and dragged our luggage (complete with cooler full of beer, natch) a long distance through the parking deck. We anticipated issues at the front desk, because Peppermeister and his dad have the same name.

Sure enough, they didn’t have us on record. Peppermeister called his parents, who had somehow gotten to the hotel before us, despite having left the party after us.

It all soon made sense, though.

Because we were at the wrong hotel.

We’d driven 20+ miles away from the party and the correct hotel because, like Peppermeister and his dad, both hotels had the same name.

We hauled everything all the way back to the parking deck, where this happened:

Thirty minutes later, when we walked into the RIGHT hotel lobby, Peppermeister’s family members greeted us with snickers.

“How was Baltimore?” they all chortled, one by one, as we passed. (“A gauntlet of chop-busting,” Peppermeister would later call it.) I shook my head warningly in Peppermeister’s general direction, and wondered how Second Husband would have handled this situation. Probably with a sense of humor. And a song and dance routine.

I made a mental note to recommit to finding Second Husband’s cell phone number.

We got to our room and changed into casual clothes. Where were we headed for dinner?

Baltimore! A few blocks from the “wrong” hotel!

Yes, I was still laughing. And no, Peppermeister was still not. Okay. Maybe a little.

In the end, we both had a lovely time, but I called it a night after dinner and drinks.

Peppermeister and I were sound asleep by 12:30.

Annnnd…

That’s when the fire alarm went off in our room and throughout the hotel.

We stumbled to get dressed and evacuate, but found out it was a false alarm (literally). Sound asleep once more, the alarm went off again, accompanied by a seizure-inducing strobe light.

By now it was clear the alarm system had gone Charlie Sheen. If we weren’t totally sure, we would be by 5:30am. Because the alarm would go on and off for the next five hours.

“This never would have happened if we’d stayed at the wrong hotel,” I said for the hundredth time, still finding it funny.

Rachel the Magnificent.

We would have been tempted to just pack up and drive home (as some people did), except we were both drunk meeting my bloggy friend, Rache, from Rachel’s Table on the way home. There was no way I was missing out on the woman who pulled off one of the greatest slap bracelet coups of all time.

Click here to read the outcome!

Any vacations-gone-awry stories? When don’t you and your significant other see eye to eye?

Blogging

No Way I Was Missing My Reservation at Rachel’s Table

Go Jules Go

I tried to tell this story in one post, Chipmunks. I really did. But you know I don’t like to ramble.

At least not until I convince you to meet me in person.

Like I did with Rache from Rachel’s Table.

I’ll regale you with a prequel later this week, but for now assume getting to this point was a feat and a half:

Yes! Rache made THIS happen! (This is NOT Rache.)

On Sunday, I met Rache and her husband for the first time. Peppermeister (Husband-Until-I-Secure-Second-Husband) and I were in her neck ‘o the woods for a family party this past weekend, and nothing was going to keep me from the woman who pulled off one of the greatest slap bracelet coups of all time.

‘Member Rache’s hub in a slap bracelet? And my subsequent lobster roll obsession?

Though Peppermeister and I were living dead by lunchtime on Sunday (don’t worry, I’ll explain everything in the prequel), meeting Rache and her hub at a Cheesecake Factory in Delaware was a calorie-laden thrill.

“Peppermeister has officially asked me five times if I remembered the peppers,” I texted Rache as we pulled up. “P.S. – I never said that.”

I recognized the dazzling, scarlet vision as soon as we walked up to the restaurant. Rache and I hugged and immediately ordered drinks. Then it was on to handmade cards and peppers and ‘stache glasses.

I know! I forgot my f&#$* ‘stache glasses! But I didn’t need them to see that this was the best card ever made.
Boy, being allergic to avocados would really suck.

Rache is a locavore (i.e., eats only locally grown/produced food), but doesn’t deny herself the occasional avocado egg roll and Snickers cheesecake. In fact, it was one of my greatest ‘enabler’ moments of all time.

And that’s saying something. I used to call this blog GoGuiltyPleasures.

Nearly three hours flew by. Rache has a great sense of humor, and so does her hub. It was one of those rare occasions when I knew we’d click, and then we DID click, exactly the way I expected.

Rache, you’re tops.

Who wouldn’t click with THIS?

I’m pretty sure this was Rache’s first bloggy meet-up. I think we were gentle.

Or at least she and her hub managed to disguise their deer-in-headlights look once they realized we didn’t want to collect their toenails.

We like hair.

(And Rache has really great hair.)

I eagerly anticipate Rache’s glowing write-up of me, I mean, our next lunch date.

Stay tuned for the prequel (Thursday, Sep 13th)!