I found the most perfect Valentine’s Day card for you. In fact, words cannot express how perfect it is (other than the words in this card), so, I made you this video. (Sorry about the swearing; I’m just so damn passionate about our relationship.)
This week, Jenn forwarded an email from her mom, and trust me, there’s more where this came from.
To: Jenn (a.k.a. “Butter”…because, well, Jenn won’t tell me why)
From: Jenn’s Mom (a.k.a. “Moth”)
Butter: I understand you sent a reply to my last email, but someone (I won’t say who) Managed to delete it—-I’m sorry, could you please forward it again–thanks!!!Not only does someone (I won’t say who) read my emails, but deletes them (unintentionally), I’ m sure!!!!”Retirement in winter “—–leaves a lot of time on someone’s hands, while your mother is at your grandmother’s cleaning her apartment…..Hope you’re having a good day Butter !!!!I pray to the dear Lord for winter strength-(-till someone has more to do )…….THANKS—–Hugs
And a few minutes later:
No need to send it again sweetheart, just found it in “trash” …..
Thanks, Moth
Got any emails from your old lady you’d like to share? Jenn and I think there could be a new blog feature here. Send them to: Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com!
Yes.
***BONUS BACON-FILLED POST: Rachel’s Table is showcasing my spicy turkey meatloaf recipe today!I know. All this [facial hair] and I can cook. I figured I needed a fall-back plan in case my Glee audition doesn’t pan out. Oh, also? If you’re not subscribing to Rachel’s Table, you just made a baby chipmunk cry.***
While mustaches are kinda my thing, and I constantly wax poetic (pun totally intended) about the merits of the handlebar, the Groucho, the walrus, etc., there’s something that’s bothered me for years.
Discovering the vanity-inspiring MacBook photo booth application, circa 2008.
Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
“It’s probably just a shadow,” I told myself. But it continued to eat away at me. For the next five years. I could have been curing cancer, saving tigers Britney, learning sign language, but I was simply too busy worrying about It.
So. Last week I went to the drug store and picked up this:
I didn’t think it was a good sign that this is what happened to the box when I opened it.
The instructions mandated that I test it out and wait 24 hours to see if it caused an allergic reaction.
“That’s probably wise,” I thought.
Two seconds later, I was mixing the cream and slathering it on my face.
Go Jules Go: Living Life on the Edge Since…Today.
“If it starts burning, I’ll wipe it off,” I thought.
I waited the recommended 10 minutes, killing time by wondering if horse really tastes as good as people say, and whether Adam Levine’s tattoos make him more or less more sexy.
Got shame?
I don’t think that shiz worked at all. Look!
No but seriously. I think it did the trick. Thank gawd. Now I have time to learn how to sign, “Is Adam Levine a vegetarian?”
Sooo… how about sharing your embarrassing personal grooming stories? No? Um, okay, well, gosh. This is awkward.
You probably just stopped having nightmares over last week’s email from my mom, Babs. Remember that one? With the deer carcass? Babs had emailed graphic, carnage-ridden pictures to me, describing how her neighbor had strung up a dead deer only yards away from her back porch.
Then, a couple of days later, Babs emailed again, saying she’d bought us tickets to see Spank!, the 50 Shades of Grey parody/musical.
Surely, you’re thinking, in such a short amount of time, Jules’ mom couldn’t possibly electronic-mail any more atrocities?
Nay, chipmunks!
Behold!
Wait for it.
Subject: This Almost Killed Me…
I’m almost done with the eaves clean-out. It was a cross between a Chucky movie and a 30’s dust bowl.
Opening some of the last boxes was very scary. The mother [squirrel] nest wasn’t the straw [I’d seen] on the floor, but inside a box disguised as Christmas storage.
And the choices of nesting material? That was found in a stuffed animals/dolls box. Yup, the doll is missing her face! Plus lots of the pink insulation from the ceiling.
This was such a gross job.
xox Babs
Oh look! It’s my box of Christmas treasures! F&*#%^& squirrels!Well at least my children’s momentos are safe and sound… OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLE-Y.
Obviously, Babs needs her own blog. Or a new storage space.
What’s your least favorite / grossest household job?
P.S. – You have until NOON EST TODAY (Wednesday, January 30, 2013) to enter my latest giveaway – you can win custom artwork from Julie Maida!
DISCLAIMER: Animals were hurt during the making of this post. Really hurt. Like Bambi’s mother hurt.
This weekend, Babs, my mom, sent an email with two troubling pictures attached. The email was entitled, He Finally Snagged One.
She was quite put out, because her neighbors recently constructed what she called The Gallows in their backyard. Every time Babs set foot on her porch, this monstrosity was in plain sight.
Before I show you these pictures, you need to understand that my parents live in suburban New Jersey, in a town full of white-collar yuppies who take the local train into Manhattan for work. They shop at Pottery Barn. They buy artisanal bread. Their kids play lacrosse.
In my parents’ world, the world in which I grew up, people have graduation parties and swing sets in their back yards. They do not have…well. This:
I’m sorry, Babs. If it makes you feel any better, now that Peppermeister and I are out in western New Jersey, we have deer in our backyard every day, too.
Of course, they’re still alive…
Do you have any neighbor horror stories? No? Any good venison recipes?
Then, too, are the thoughtful gifts. The funny ones. The ones that say, I get you.
I don’t know why anyone would think I’d want any of this.
I absolutely adore these gifts.
Deep down, I’m sentimental and romantic to a fault. I can’t write a serious card to save my life, but I treasure heartfelt words, and sometimes even carry letters in my wallet for good luck.
But.
Then.
Well.
On Christmas Eve, this happened:
I got a Kate Spade bag. From my brother’s girlfriend. She totally forsook the Secret Santa price cap. (For anyone not gasping, this is sort of like the Mercedes of purses.)
I’m not proud of this picture. Look at it. Eyes that might roll right onto the tissue paper-littered floor. A smile that could crack marble. Pure, unabashed joy. I don’t even remember it being taken.
“You said you didn’t care about designer labels,” Peppermeister (Husband #1-Who-Didn’t-Buy-Me-This-Amazing-Present) teased once he saw this up on Facebook. “I’ve never seen you this happy.”
At least I think that’s what he said. I was too busy staring at my new purse, planning our future together.
What’s the overly indulgent gift you’re a little embarrassed to admit you want[ed]?
Chipmunks! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!
I can’t tell you how thrilled I am with the caliber of your Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway! entries. My heart is as full as Santa’s jiggly jelly belly on Christmas Day. Thank you doesn’t even begin to express my gratitude for your creativity and support.
The Byronic Man and I had a very difficult time narrowing it down. In fact, it was so tough, we picked runners-up, too! My runners-up will each get one of my world-famous bacon ornaments. (You’re welcome.)
I love Becca’s entry because she captured something so very real about the holidays that never would have occurred to me – her dad’s notoriously terrible photography. It’s charming, funny and creative, and I absolutely adore it.
Anka’s entry speaks to the alcoholic graphic designer in me – doesn’t it look like something you’d see on a greeting card website? Except one that’s actually fun? Not only that, but she had a very clever title for her card (Dreaming of a White Christmas), and, well, I heart clever titles.
I think we can all agree this video screams winner – Michelle went above and beyond to deliver a vlog that captures the ‘real’ side of the holidays. It’s thoughtful, well executed, and most importantly, hilarious. If you haven’t already, please watch it. And if you have? Watch it again! It only gets funnier.
Congratulations, ladies! Hopefully you’ll all have your prizes by Christmas! And as a reminder, The Byronic Man and I will also make a Hurricane Sandy Relief Fund donation in the winners’ names.
Chipmunks! The bad news is: The deadline for Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway! has passed. The good news is: Now you get to see all the entrants!
The Byronic Man and I asked you to tell us, creatively (through a card / image / blog post / description), what the holidays ‘really’ mean to you. You did not disappoint.
You can check out the rest of the entrants on The Byronic Man’s blog, and we’ll announce the winners tomorrow, December 21, 2012!
In case you forgot, the prize is totally amazeballs.
And now, in no particular order, LET’S DO THIS.
(CLICK ON ANY OF THE PICTURES TO ENLARGE.)
Lily
It’s hard to appreciate via this image, but Lily sent a snail mail card in which the orange female bird insinuates the red male bird is a total pig.
Want to see the rest of the entrants (yes, you do)? Head over to The Byronic Man!
Thank you so much for your incredibly fun and creative entries – this has been an absolute blast! Byronic Man doesn’t know it yet, but we’re going to have contests like this every month.
Winners announced tomorrow, December 21, 2012, at 6am EST!!!!
If you want to check out the details about the 12-12-12 concert to support Hurricane Sandy Relief, or find out how to donate, please visit: http://www.121212concert.org/.
So, come on, it’s been a while: Who are you having “imaginary” (ahem. It might have happened. You don’t know) conversations with?
Fortunately for you, the dream-killing gene is not hereditary.
I only have two pairs left from Sun-Staches, but don’t worry – the winner can pick out any from the Sun-Staches website. Because I would never want you to feel like I felt when my mom, Babs, said I couldn’t get that Samantha American Girl doll. (And then she rubs it in 20 years later, telling me they made a Julie doll, who has blonde hair and drives a blue VW bug, just like I used to drive. And maybe Julie has roller-skates, too. And maybe it’s not too late and Christmas is just around the corner, Babs.)
All you’ve gotta do for a shot at a pair of sweet ‘stache glasses is tell me, in the comments section below, the most ridiculous thing for which you’re thankful.
Me? Dog costumes. Yup. Definitely dog costumes.
Someone needs to die. Like, now.
Deadline: MIDNIGHT EST, Saturday, November 24, 2012. (Winner announced Monday, November 26th.)
