Category: humor

Family Ties, humor

You’ve Got Mail! I Think. I Don’t Know. This Is Your Mother. Are You Seeing This?

Go Jules Go
I'm sure you remember Jenn.
Obviously you remember Jenn.

You know you’ve got the perfect best friend when she not only emails you blog ideas, but good blog ideas – and the makings of your next post!

Like all of us, my BFF, Jenn, was inspired by my mom, Babs, and Babs’ recent emails re: dead deer and faceless Cabbage Patch dolls.

This week, Jenn forwarded an email from her mom, and trust me, there’s more where this came from.

To: Jenn (a.k.a. “Butter”…because, well, Jenn won’t tell me why)

From: Jenn’s Mom (a.k.a. “Moth”)

Butter: I  understand you sent a reply to my last email, but someone (I won’t say who) Managed to delete it—-I’m sorry, could you please forward it again–thanks!!!Not only does someone (I won’t say who) read my emails, but deletes them (unintentionally), I’ m sure!!!!”Retirement in winter “—–leaves a lot of time on someone’s hands, while your mother is at your grandmother’s cleaning her apartment…..Hope you’re having a good day Butter !!!!I pray to the dear Lord for winter strength-(-till someone has more to do )…….THANKS—–Hugs

And a few minutes later:

No need to send it again sweetheart, just found it in “trash” …..

Thanks, Moth

Got any emails from your old lady you’d like to share? Jenn and I think there could be a new blog feature here. Send them to: Julie.Davidoski@yahoo.com!

Yes.
Yes.

***BONUS BACON-FILLED POST: Rachel’s Table is showcasing my spicy turkey meatloaf recipe today! I know. All this [facial hair] and I can cook. I figured I needed a fall-back plan in case my Glee audition doesn’t pan out. Oh, also? If you’re not subscribing to Rachel’s Table, you just made a baby chipmunk cry.***

humor, PSAs

Be Careful What You Wish For

Go Jules Go

While mustaches are kinda my thing, and I constantly wax poetic (pun totally intended) about the merits of the handlebar, the Groucho, the walrus, etc., there’s something that’s bothered me for years.

Discovering the vanity-inspiring MacBook photo booth application, circa 2008.
Discovering the vanity-inspiring MacBook photo booth application, circa 2008.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

“It’s probably just a shadow,” I told myself. But it continued to eat away at me. For the next five years. I could have been curing cancer, saving tigers Britney, learning sign language, but I was simply too busy worrying about It.

So. Last week I went to the drug store and picked up this:

bleach-box
I didn’t think it was a good sign that this is what happened to the box when I opened it.

The instructions mandated that I test it out and wait 24 hours to see if it caused an allergic reaction.

“That’s probably wise,” I thought.

bleach-kit

Two seconds later, I was mixing the cream and slathering it on my face.

bleach-stache-apply
Go Jules Go: Living Life on the Edge Since…Today.

“If it starts burning, I’ll wipe it off,” I thought.

I waited the recommended 10 minutes, killing time by wondering if horse really tastes as good as people say, and whether Adam Levine’s tattoos make him more or less more sexy.

bleach-stache-2
Got shame?

I don’t think that shiz worked at all. Look!

DeepThoughts-Jules-mustache

No but seriously. I think it did the trick. Thank gawd. Now I have time to learn how to sign, “Is Adam Levine a vegetarian?”

Sooo… how about sharing your embarrassing personal grooming stories? No? Um, okay, well, gosh. This is awkward.

Family Ties, humor

Brace Yourselves. I Just Got Another Email From My Mom.

Go Jules Go

You probably just stopped having nightmares over last week’s email from my mom, Babs. Remember that one? With the deer carcass? Babs had emailed graphic, carnage-ridden pictures to me, describing how her neighbor had strung up a dead deer only yards away from her back porch.

Then, a couple of days later, Babs emailed again, saying she’d bought us tickets to see Spank!, the 50 Shades of Grey parody/musical.

Surely, you’re thinking, in such a short amount of time, Jules’ mom couldn’t possibly electronic-mail any more atrocities?

Nay, chipmunks!

Behold!

Dregs from the crawl space 1-28-13 002

Wait for it.

Subject: This Almost Killed Me…

I’m almost done with the eaves clean-out. It was a cross between a Chucky movie and a 30’s dust bowl.

Opening some of the last boxes was very scary. The mother [squirrel] nest wasn’t the straw [I’d seen] on the floor, but inside a box disguised as Christmas storage.

And the choices of nesting material? That was found in a stuffed animals/dolls box. Yup, the doll is missing her face! Plus lots of the pink insulation from the ceiling.

This was such a gross job.

xox Babs

attic-nest
Oh look! It’s my box of Christmas treasures! F&*#%^& squirrels!
Cabbage-Patch-doll-attic
Well at least my children’s momentos are safe and sound… OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLE-Y.

Obviously, Babs needs her own blog. Or a new storage space.

Chipmunks-Babs

What’s your least favorite / grossest household job?

P.S. – You have until NOON EST TODAY (Wednesday, January 30, 2013) to enter my latest giveaway – you can win custom artwork from Julie Maida!

Animals, humor

Deer Neighbor: I’m Not Okay With This.

Go Jules Go

DISCLAIMER: Animals were hurt during the making of this post. Really hurt. Like Bambi’s mother hurt. 

This weekend, Babs, my mom, sent an email with two troubling pictures attached. The email was entitled, He Finally Snagged One.

She was quite put out, because her neighbors recently constructed what she called The Gallows in their backyard. Every time Babs set foot on her porch, this monstrosity was in plain sight.

Before I show you these pictures, you need to understand that my parents live in suburban New Jersey, in a town full of white-collar yuppies who take the local train into Manhattan for work. They shop at Pottery Barn. They buy artisanal bread. Their kids play lacrosse.

In my parents’ world, the world in which I grew up, people have graduation parties and swing sets in their back yards. They do not have…well. This:

Gallows occupied 1-13 003

Gallows occupied 1-13 004

I’m sorry, Babs. If it makes you feel any better, now that Peppermeister and I are out in western New Jersey, we have deer in our backyard every day, too.

Of course, they’re still alive…

Do you have any neighbor horror stories? No? Any good venison recipes?

humor

Crap. I Am So, Like, Totally That Girl.

Go Jules Go

Well, we may have survived the Mayans’ prediction, but this holiday season still brought forth The Darkness.

Before I go any further, let me say that there’s no gift better than a homemade one. My mother, Babs, makes the most extraordinary gifts.

I actually danced when I put up the star this year.

Peppermeister’s aunt cross-stitches intricate, beautiful ornaments.

Aunt-Michele-Ornament
What truly lights up the tree.

Then, too, are the thoughtful gifts. The funny ones. The ones that say, I get you.

I don't know why anyone would think I'd want any of this.
I don’t know why anyone would think I’d want any of this.

I absolutely adore these gifts.

Deep down, I’m sentimental and romantic to a fault. I can’t write a serious card to save my life, but I treasure heartfelt words, and sometimes even carry letters in my wallet for good luck.

But.

Then.

Well.

On Christmas Eve, this happened:

Jules-Kate-Spade

I got a Kate Spade bag. From my brother’s girlfriend. She totally forsook the Secret Santa price cap. (For anyone not gasping, this is sort of like the Mercedes of purses.)

I’m not proud of this picture. Look at it. Eyes that might roll right onto the tissue paper-littered floor. A smile that could crack marble. Pure, unabashed joy. I don’t even remember it being taken.

“You said you didn’t care about designer labels,” Peppermeister (Husband #1-Who-Didn’t-Buy-Me-This-Amazing-Present) teased once he saw this up on Facebook. “I’ve never seen you this happy.”

At least I think that’s what he said. I was too busy staring at my new purse, planning our future together.

What’s the overly indulgent gift you’re a little embarrassed to admit you want[ed]? 

Giveaway Junkie, humor

Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway – The Winners!

Go Jules Go

Seasons-Sheetings-2012-FINAL

Chipmunks! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

In case you forgot, the prize is totally amazeballs.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I am with the caliber of your Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway! entries. My heart is as full as Santa’s jiggly jelly belly on Christmas Day. Thank you doesn’t even begin to express my gratitude for your creativity and support.Bacon-Ornaments

The Byronic Man and I had a very difficult time narrowing it down. In fact, it was so tough, we picked runners-up, too! My runners-up will each get one of my world-famous bacon ornaments. (You’re welcome.)

Check out The Byronic Man’s winners on his blog!

Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway – The Go Jules Go Winners

1st Runner Up

25ToFly

Sheet-Entry-4-25tofly

I love Becca’s entry because she captured something so very real about the holidays that never would have occurred to me – her dad’s notoriously terrible photography. It’s charming, funny and creative, and I absolutely adore it.

2nd Runner Up

Keeping It Real

Sheet-Entry-KeepingitRealMom

Anka’s entry speaks to the alcoholic graphic designer in me – doesn’t it look like something you’d see on a greeting card website? Except one that’s actually fun? Not only that, but she had a very clever title for her card (Dreaming of a White Christmas), and, well, I heart clever titles.

Grand Prize Winner!

steadily skipping stones

I think we can all agree this video screams winner – Michelle went above and beyond to deliver a vlog that captures the ‘real’ side of the holidays. It’s thoughtful, well executed, and most importantly, hilarious. If you haven’t already, please watch it. And if you have? Watch it again! It only gets funnier.

Congratulations, ladies! Hopefully you’ll all have your prizes by Christmas! And as a reminder, The Byronic Man and I will also make a Hurricane Sandy Relief Fund donation in the winners’ names.

To see The Byronic Man’s winners, head over to his blog! 

Thank you again, everyone, for your spectacular entries. My sheets told me they want to sleep with all of you.

Giveaway Junkie, humor

Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway – The Entrants!

Go Jules Go

Seasons-Sheetings-2012-FINAL

Chipmunks! The bad news is: The deadline for Holy Sheet: A Holiday Giveaway! has passed. The good news is: Now you get to see all the entrants!

The Byronic Man and I asked you to tell us, creatively (through a card / image / blog post / description), what the holidays ‘really’ mean to you. You did not disappoint.

You can check out the rest of the entrants on The Byronic Man’s blog, and we’ll announce the winners tomorrow, December 21, 2012!

In case you forgot, the prize is totally amazeballs.
In case you forgot, the prize is totally amazeballs.

And now, in no particular order, LET’S DO THIS.

(CLICK ON ANY OF THE PICTURES TO ENLARGE.)

Lily

Sheet-Entry-7-Lily
It’s hard to appreciate via this image, but Lily sent a snail mail card in which the orange female bird insinuates the red male bird is a total pig.

Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings

As part of her blog post entry, Peg entered:

Sheet-Entry-PegoLeg

Misty’s Laws

Sheet-Entry-MistysLaws

Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride

As part of her blog post entry, Susie showed how she made her incredible 2012 holiday cards:

Sheet-Entry-SusieLindausWildRide

blissflower1969

Sheet-Entry-blissflower1969

Undercover L

It’s hard to do the poem Undercover L submitted justice here, so check out the full entry/post. This is a sneak peek:

Oh, my dear friend, I hate your Christmas greetings.

When I get them I wish you would get severe beatings.

Your Christmas letter makes your life look so nifty.

But I know better.  Your card is so shifty…

Keeping It Real

Anka sent us this, entitled Dreaming of a White Christmas:

Sheet-Entry-KeepingitRealMom

Girl on the Contrary

As part of her blog post entry, Girl on the Contrary made a snow cookie angel:

Sheet-Entry-GirlontheContrary

Steadily Skipping Stones

Wino on a Ramble

Sheet-Entry-WineonaRamble

Rachel’s Table

Christmas Card for Jules and BMan

Want to see the rest of the entrants (yes, you do)? Head over to The Byronic Man!

Thank you so much for your incredibly fun and creative entries – this has been an absolute blast! Byronic Man doesn’t know it yet, but we’re going to have contests like this every month.

Winners announced tomorrow, December 21, 2012, at 6am EST!!!!

humor, New Jersey is breathtaking, PSAs

Is It 12-12-12 Or Am I Dreaming?

Go Jules Go

Oh man, Chipmunks. It happened… again.

Another conversation in my head. And this one gets deep.

Slide01 Slide02 Slide03 Slide04 Slide05 Slide06 Slide07 Slide08 Slide09 Slide10 Our First Conversation Leo Slide 11Our First Conversation Leo Slide 12

…I really need to stop drinking.

If you want to check out the details about the 12-12-12 concert to support Hurricane Sandy Relief, or find out how to donate, please visit: http://www.121212concert.org/.

So, come on, it’s been a while: Who are you having “imaginary” (ahem. It might have happened. You don’t know) conversations with?

Giveaway Junkie, humor

NOVEMBER ‘Stache Glasses Giveaway!

Go Jules Go

I can’t believe I actually remembered to do this this month.

I’ve been way too busy finally understanding Adam Levine’s hotness catching up on The Voice post-Hurricane Sandy.

So… Yay me!

Then again, it’s hard to forget something as special as Sun-Staches mustache glasses.

Fortunately for you, the dream-killing gene is not hereditary.

I only have two pairs left from Sun-Staches, but don’t worry – the winner can pick out any from the Sun-Staches website. Because I would never want you to feel like I felt when my mom, Babs, said I couldn’t get that Samantha American Girl doll. (And then she rubs it in 20 years later, telling me they made a Julie doll, who has blonde hair and drives a blue VW bug, just like I used to drive. And maybe Julie has roller-skates, too. And maybe it’s not too late and Christmas is just around the corner, Babs.)

Just think – you can be as stylish as Speaker7, one of last month’s winners!

All you’ve gotta do for a shot at a pair of sweet ‘stache glasses is tell me, in the comments section below, the most ridiculous thing for which you’re thankful. 

Me? Dog costumes. Yup. Definitely dog costumes.

Someone needs to die. Like, now.

Deadline: MIDNIGHT EST, Saturday, November 24, 2012. (Winner announced Monday, November 26th.)

I love you forever.

humor, Summer is Hot, Wipe the Drool

Summer Is Hot and So Are You – Issue #3

Go Jules Go

Editor’s Note: Your favorite blogger (ahem) did an ongoing slap bracelet giveaway this year, but the bracelets feature my old blog name, “GoGuiltyPleasures!”. For a full listing of all Slap Bracelet pictures and posts, please see my Slap Bracelets page.

Cover Story – Don’t Quote Lily

Lily is a relatively new blogger and a fellow Jersey girl, and I could tell you how sweet, supportive and fun she is. I should do that. Right now. But you’re not going to believe me once you see how f&@#$% hot she is in one of my slap bracelets.

I should charge you to view these. But why don’t you pay Lily instead, in compliments (in the comments section below)?

She will store your compliments in here.
Screw honey.
Annnd THIS is what I’m saying. Pay up.
Oh, Lily. Can I quote you on that?
This is perfectly normal, Lilykins. I mean, it is Tuesday morning, right?

Featured Article – Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat

Love & Lunchmeat is badass. There’s really no other way to put it. Both she and her blog are fresh and funny –  as if you couldn’t tell by the name. She claims to have a favorite kid and has been skydiving, for starters.

She was also recently Freshly Pressed (i.e., featured on the homepage of WordPress.com)! And more importantly, Babs (my mom) likes her.

Here’s a sneak peek of what Love & Lunchmeat orchestrated all in the name of slap bracelets! Click the picture to see the rest. (I mean, the blog post title is “Because Bacon is Sexy.” C’mon.)

I hope this one is the favorite.

That Fun and Quirky Last Page of Every Magazine –  Erin from Catstache

You may recall Erin from her mind-blowing ‘guilty pleasures gift basket giveaway‘ entry, which earned her a runner-up spot:

And it’s STILL one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen.

Her chipmunkitude so does not stop there. She’s a very talented photographer (I’m especially fond of these pictures), and she just, you know, gets me. I mean, she recently gave this Pot Head something to really geek out over.

…I’m talking about Harry Potter. Why are you looking at me like that? My pupils are always this big.

It says my devotion to chipmunks, slap bracelets and second husband, Darren Criss, have earned me a Prefect position in the Gryfffindor House. You know that’s right.
Instagram and I tried to make our pictures pretty for you, Erin.
Erin, you put the magic in my wand. Or something.

Backcover – Peppermeister

My first and only husband, Peppermeister, is hosting a photo contest on his blog. Email or Tweet him your best pepper pics by noon EST Sunday, August 26th and you could win a pepper roasting rack!

Click the ‘stache glasses to check out the contest details:

He’s practicing safe salsa.

Summer is almost over. OMG. What are you still hoping to do? …Oh, what’s that? Win some ‘stache glasses? Well stay tuned this Thursday, Chipmunks!